Reinventing Daisy

I’ve avoided listening to music for over 6 months now , maybe longer, because I was afraid of the emotions or lack of emotions it would give me.

Today, i played this song for the 1st time in a long time, I was terrified it would only bring up bad associations and memories; that I wouldn’t get the buzz I felt when I used to listen to it(and other music)-like I did before; that
I wouldn’t feel the depth and intensity of my emotions that I used to.

The highs , the lows,every nuance of Emotions.

I know my brain is wired differently( for many reasons ) and I can only self- advocate that trying to alter my neurotransmitters; chemicals through ( the spectrum of my) self harming behaviours; wasn’t necessary: because I already feel – more intensely and extreme than say your average person. 🙃🙃😃. These coping strategies did serve a purpose when I’ve tried to survive experiences I’ve had.

These flawed survival strategies just confused my inner mission control board to send out conflicting messages to what I was trying to achieve.
I’m still trying to find a stable self image/identity.

I will find better ways to connect with others.
There is nothing wrong with my personality.
I am not flawed in character.

My boundaries are evolving every day.

Forgiveness will come with time and healing.
I have to believe this & I do have hope.

( staying on track 😄),
I know I’ve outgrown many songs as I’ve grown as a person , that scares the hell out of me.
I took a leap of faith & I feel exactly like I did – no- even more present- listening to this song.
I dig my bass 🤣🤣.

Music is as sacred to my well being ;as an olive branch was sacred to the Romans sense of peace 😀😀😀😁.
( random : but I had a dream last night that I was in an Olive restaurant🤣-hence me trying to come up with a metaphor to describe how important music is to me).

It is a place I’ve always been able to lose myself in and to still every other loud thought I’ve had.

Keep playing music.

Reinventing Tasha – authentic to the very core.

Reinventing Daisy – a rose by any other name ?
Reinventing Daisy :true beauty is hard to stamp out?

I like the ring to that .

#wellbeingtools

#SelfExpressionMatters

( going off track yet still relevent to point out),
It is terrifying to have lost my voice through the written word because when I used to write asI found a drive in me towards something bigger than my inner thoughts.

I allowed certain people to crush that identity I had found for myself through being creative & writing.
These people were hardly characters worth being influenced by:
Two examples of things said to me that I am challenging:
I’m (not)just an Entity and I’m (not )Vapid.

My thought process is : why did I allow too many unworthy people in my life( and my mind) who weren’t worth my time or energy?
I surrounded my self with people who would take any chance to put me down because they had such a fragmented understanding of themselves.
So many Insecurities that I allowed them to pass on to me.

I can be very naive , I’ve ended up in crazy situations- situations where my true notice was to connect with people and maybe make a friend..

I have a story to tell and I don’t think many people will believe it to be true because I hardly don’t 🤣🤣🤣.
I’m lucky to have people in my life to verify that many events that have happened aren’t a creation of an over active mind .. I have many scars and my body has an astute memory too.
A memory sometimes more reliable than my visual memories.

I’m trying to forgive ,however there are certain people where it may take a bit more time to forgive.
I think it is because they didn’t just hurt me , they hurt the only extension of myself : another human being. Once I see that that beautiful soul healing from what has happened then maybe I can move on to try to forgive them ( and most importantly myself too) .
This is my hope.
I have to show this important person how to move on & working on myself is the best way to show that it can be done.

I will write again with a clearer , more purposeful and stable voice.
I will read
what I’ve written in the past and see that it has relevance, with the purpose to push me to move on ;drive me to bigger goals.
I was only going to share a song 😅😅😅🙃.

Take a leap and confidence will come with practice .
My ‘on paper’ voice still shakes , it trembles.

I know this is worth it ,because it means I will find a way to integrate my selfs/states into a whole ( me) .

There is another side of fear.
I’m ready to explore it ,to create roots that I’m happy to spread and nurture ;
Create a home and bed worth making every day – no matter the weather.

Ear me out

I haven’t listened to music for months.

Crazy but I’ve been trying to find songs that I don’t have negative memories of.

It is really strange having an ‘erratic personality ‘ as one person so diplomatically put it, without me sounding like a head case and relying on diagnoses.

For me when I experience emotions , I experience them intensely- more than the average person.

So I’m listening to this song and I feel so much euphoria – it feels like ecstasy , the same can be said for my other emotions like anger , fear, depression etc….
Im prone to my moods shifting so rapidly – I can go from mood changes that last a few hours to days ( very different from say bipolar).
My brain is actually not wired like others – neurologicaly and that is because of epigenetics & my experiences of what has happened to me over my life time.

I’M NOT CRAZY!
Please don’t encourage it. 😃😃😁😁
I can’t even begin to explain how terrifying it is for me to not have a precise pattern or one trigger that stops my moods / emotions from de regulating.

Imagine not knowing who you really are from one moment to the next.
That is like having an existential identity crisis over and over – not just a once in a lifetime thing that may happen in person’s latter years. 😅.

My default coping mechanism has been to eliminate myself completely out of life’s equation from a very young age.
A bit tragic but absolutely true.
It is so crass for people to label as its coming from a place of fear.
The other side of fear is?
Alternative perception- maybe…
If I talk about the term ‘ splitting ‘ – it seems like I’m warped.
The fact is because of my experiences ( ACES) a person can go from hero to zero in a nano second even though rationally I know that is impossible.

It is all very black & white.
It is a somatic experience.
I know I can’t change what has happened in my life.
I’m trying to learn to change how my body responds because my body hasn’t healed from trauma.
The body has a memory too.

A part of my issues is over sharing and I don’t think it is a bad thing although it can be to my detriment at time as to how people interpret what I’m sharing because I often forget that no person can read my thoughts.

There are many times I feel unable to articulate myself.
So I’ve tried to make myself understood in any form I can to express myself as misplaced as those expressions may have been.

People can have their own preconceived ideas about me & my actions and I’m learning to say : that’s okay.
I’m on my train. I’m on my journey & I can’t take anyone back to the start of my journey unless I write a book 😅😅😅.
Even then I can’t control people’s opinions.

I’m trying to utilise Somatic experiencing trauma solution.

To get back on track 😀😀😀.

I feel elated and euphoria atm.
I need to self regulate.

This song never gets old for me.
The lyrics are like they were written for me.
They weren’t but ..
Every lyric..

03:20 mins .

Ahhhhh I’m eargasimng ( ? ).

I can think of worse ways to feel ‘high’.
I think it is what I do afterwards with that energy.

How to respond to a therapist summary email

* If you want to skip the pre bramble 😀then skip to FOR THE FOLK WHO HATE INTROS though you may lose the context *

Life update

I’m in therapy with a psychologist ( not a therapist) just so the title doesn’t mislead anyone reading this.😜🙄.

Finally.

There is a difference folk.

We can all be therapists but not everyone has the dedication or passion nor finances  to be a psychologist . 😅😅😀.

Yay, finally Daisy in the willows  is: in therapy!

A huge !YAY! Moment for me.

I’ve been struggling to find my narrative voice in the written form for a few years now.

I’ve gone from being genuinely passionate about writing in multiple writing genres. ( see my bio for more info)  , to being so terrified of writing down any thought ,in fear of being inauthentic to who I want to be or who I already am.

It is apparent and absolutely evident I score a perfect 20/ 20 on the neuroticism scale of personality factors. 😶.

My confidence in my writing -creatively- has been eroded by years of allowing others opinions of my writings and my belief that I’m  a washed up wordless- woman . I feel like I’m stateless . I have no home in the writing world. Woe is me.

My words and my creatively indulgent  right to express myself through  the written word  hinges itself on the idea that I  am often a head attached to a vapid vacuum.

An entity so drained of its mystery and allure…..

That is so cruel to think of myself as so worthless,what do you think?

I’ve been struggling to see how I can be passionate about writing again and to honour that what I feel I’m writing about isn’t- superfluous.

If I write superfluously then I have this phrase of ‘ I’m too ”adult ‘ to write about my emotions because  ( my belief) writing :doesn’t make money or a career ; it doesn’t make me a better mom / wife/ daughter/insert status- that phrase is  uselessy   tefloned to my neurological pathways.

That phrase I’ve just written *is* tragic considering how much I’ve gained from writing about different topics and in different mediums in the past.

It is discrediting all that makes me – me!

Here is my response to my Psychologist’s summary email ( if you  really * really * 😅😅😬want to read the summary  that my psychologist wrote then feel free to.

Sincerely,

Daisy in the rECOvery  comfortablely uncomfortable zone.

(Rinse on cold setting of 30 degrees  only to conserve emotional energy ).

I know what I mean because I write for myself.