So, here I am. Eating again. I know the scales are going to up. I’m scared. I don’t want to go up to 65 kilos again. I’m bartering with my Anorexic Dinosaur- old, gargantuan and frightening. I got my wish. I am on diazepam and the novelty of taking it has died already.
There is no magic pill. Yes, these little pills are meant to be ‘mothers little helpers’ but I have built up such a tolerance to pills that it seems like they don’t work.
I have a lengthy list of what I take:
Fluoxetine 60 mg
quetiapine 600 mg
Lamotrigine 300 mg
diazepam 20 mg
Lorazepam 2.5 mg
Nitrazepam 15 mg
Today I took my morning dose and for the first time in a long time I felt melancholy about how I rely on so much medication. I get so forgetful -I am terrified of getting dementia from all these pills. I’ve been on medication since I was 14 years old. I’m going to be 35 this year. I want to be FREE of these pills but I am addicted to them. There we are, I said it: I am a legal drug- taking junkie. That’s what is boils down to. I’m not going to lie, I am down and out. I feel like a failure today. I can’t even leave the house. I’m letting my daughter and my partner down. It’s sunny in the U.K.! What a perfect opportunity to bask in the sunlight and be a family and go to the park. No, I’m way too morose and in my comfort zone.
What about the volunteering you ask ? The eating disorder recovery support group I am setting up. Where has that passion gone? That drive and lust to live with purpose?
I don’t have a clue. But, I am going to get it back. I’m going to start enjoying exercise again. Eating what I want- feeling proud of my body. Be happy again. Happiness comes from inside- where are you hiding? WHERE?
I can’t spend my days sleeping away like I have been pricked by some poisonous needle. I need to wake up from my nebulous slumber and face and accept that the figures on the scale are not what makes up the whole sum of me. How crazy is it that I get so upset over a weight increase of 1-2 kilo’s? I want to be free again. I love food. I do! I want my life back. Reclaim it. It is mine. I will not be prisoner of my mind any longer. No, no ,no.
I want to feel attractive again. I want to be free to rise to the dizzy heights of success.
NO MORE SELF-SABOTAGE. I feel like this post is not worthy of publishing but I must write first and foremost for myself.
End of post.