The optimistic Anorexic


I know I have been going on and on about my Anorexia lately but what else can I do but pour out all my stress in my head  out and down onto paper ( well a post) I have started eating again and yes, the scales have gone up by 2 kilos. I do feel anxious and think the scales are going to go up and up and up and up – you get the picture. Since eating food again I have finally got my strength back. I have the energy to exercise again which means I can eat stuff I enjoy and fingers crossed not put on weight. I still am holding back with portions etc.. but I feel alive again. Anorexia had started to take all my confidence again and I didn’t think I could work in the volunteer sector any more. I had started to become paranoid and my thoughts came out in jumbled sentences . I was forgetting how to communicate. I felt like a failure.

But, the silver lining is I keep on fighting. I didn’t resort to old coping mechanisms such as  using coffee, chewing gum, pepsi max and other vices to kill my appetite. If I had chosen to go down that route then I might as well have built myself a coffin. The truth I am stronger than my illness. I’ve accomplished so much in four years. I have a lot of living to do and being skeletal is not a part of that journey.

Of course, I want to be lean and toned. I want to be healthy. I don’t know what has happened but there has been a shift in my mind set. I wish I could tell you how I have done it. I suppose seeing what life is like on the other side of a despondent hell has helped me a lot. My family have helped me. I’m stubborn and wilful but I guess that has been  my anchor.  My life raft. These traits are  being used for a more positive reason.

I read a lot of posts where people with mental health issues are suffering so much. They don’t have the support and help they need. Here is me with an almost perfect little family, my health- I am not in a wheel chair or have problems so severe I can’t keep healthy and fit. I am not some idiot. I am articulate and smart. I am ambitious and a go getter. This is my true nature. Not some vile, putrid anorexic that cowardly hides behind a mask . I got my medication change and I do feel better. It may just be a placebo but it works for me. It has helped get me back on equal footing with the world.

I’m feeling optimistic again.  I am going places and with one blow the candle goes out and I can turn the volume down on those voices- trying to lure me like Odysseus’ sirens. I’m navigating my way around the rocky depths of Scylla’s cave.  I’m on my way home- to reconnect with my Penelope- my soul, my pure self. My most loyal self. The self  who has never let me down.

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6 thoughts on “The optimistic Anorexic

  1. Reblogged this on Daisy in the Willows and commented:

    An new day REBLOG form my archives. January 2015. I needed too get something optimistic out into the sphere. Fall down. Get back up. My tuition loan for my MA in Creative writing has come through- waiting on more then. Then 2 years from now I will do a mini PHD top up and go and rule my world! Oh and in other great news officially approved on the WRAP training facilitator course in September. If you don’t know about it yet. You will do. I will merging my own personall WRAP PLAN and journey with my new role of holding the space for others to have courage and believe in themselves . I’m not teacher merely a person who has chance to offer support. Vokunteering charities with Mental Health is the best thing I started doing with my life. They know I have been ill , may even get ill again but the point is if I don’t put myself out there I will not have a chance to seize any opportunities. Volunteering gives me drive, Keeps me focused, empower me to do my best in life and if I manage to help a few people out on the way then I am game.

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  2. Kudos to you for taking your life back. It helps that you have such a strong support system to help you through this.

    I understand what you mean when you say that you don’t know how your mindset shifted so dramatically. I’ve gone through a similar change in my life, and I don’t know how I developed the power. Now that I have it, I’m doing whatever it takes to foster more of that attitude.

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    • Yes a strong support system is a big factor in helping me get back on the wagon. It wasn’t always the case. A lot of my extended family hate me and don’t get me at all. That is not my problem. You hit the nail on the head. There is that saying that attitude is everything. I think I will always have the dreaded ED but I have more priorities now. I think that has helped me change my mind set automatically.

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      • Go Daisy! I understand a bit where you’re coming from. As you know, I’ve also suffered from anorexia. I suspect that I may always having an ED, in that it never completely goes away does it? We continue to fight it and to fight for our health. I’ll be leaving on vacation soon which is a trigger for me. I’ll be watching my weight closely and my eating habits to ensure that I remain healthy. Take care, Daisy. 🙂

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  3. It is so exciting to see you sort it out in your soul. The purer and truer to your real self the internal signal, the more you will bask in the glow of health.

    Wishing you the best!

    Liked by 1 person

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