Nebulous


 You  know when you fall out with someone? Say you kind of knew one another years a ago and then met up again and had to meet up again. We made that happen- well I did- one night. I wanted to drink. I wanted to get pissed, soak up as much nostalgia as I could. 

Cocktails in a pub, turned to vodka, sambuca, dagga and my  extensive benzo cocktail medication at his house. I got ridiculous. Something happened. An argument? We fooled around. I’m going to say common sense and a conscious stopped anything too serious to occur. I admit that may just be  the glossed over version. 

Psycho!

 I didn’t have a knife in my hand. I was in the bathroom not in the shower. No blood but looking for my mobile phone. Stumbling about in a nebulous haze.

‘1984’ the book that first drew your eyes to that word ‘ nebulous’ . The person to make me look up its meaning .  If I could sum up that whole might in one word -NEBULOUS  would be it. 

An argument. I took offence  to the the word ‘psycho. I’m too sensitive for my own good. You were going to call the police.

WHAT WARRANTED THAT?  I walked home. Again I was told I am mad because I wouldn’t get a taxi. I was drunk, fucked up -confused, sad- offended- my pride……

Indeed my pride is why I sent you that email – everything thing I knew about you I used against you. You retaliated. I cried. But what did I expect after calling you what I did. I deleted the messages and blocked you. I forgot and then I remembered. We had fallen out before. 

Lately I have been wondering if you meant what you said. I’m glad I deleted the message because I can’t go back and read what you thought of me. I want to reach out but pride won’t let me. I’m sorry! I know we were both fucked up and you were just a bit of a dick and I  was reckless- a bitch? A psycho ?  but I know that is not the true you and I know who I am and what kind of person I am. 

This is the best way of getting YOU out of my system. What I really wanted was your friendship but I guess impulses got in the way.

Do I feel better?  

I will. I mean,

I’m only human.

Only?  

I mean I am human.

Being human doesn’t come with a Genie with the voice and comic timing of Robin Williams…  

It does come with a daughter and my husband to be,  a wedding,a trip to Orlando and a career. I’m not Daisy circa 2009 or even Daisy circa last night. I do however have too much heart and not enough sleeves to show it. 

No regrets. 

Only silver linings….. and  a heart free of anger and one filled with ‘I wish you well and have to let you go’ Your happiness precedes my Ego,my  pride and my curiosity.. 

Daisy 

(Image sourced from Google images)

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10 thoughts on “Nebulous

  1. You have a great prose style. It’s just really noticable–how you play with sentence structure to convey emotion. I’m kind of a nerd and notice things like that. 😛 Love “too much heart and not enough sleeves to show it”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds so very similar to a so called ‘friend’ I had and a New Year’s Eve of very similar circumstances. I have blocked this person forever and will no longer entertain them in my life. It does not mean that I do not want them to find happiness, it just means the cocktail of he and I together is lethal. And I’m taking my component away to a safe place where my life is protected.

    Swerve this person, they mean you no good Beautiful xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Clarity | Daisy in the Willows

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