Willing to believe


Life is  not fucking easy. Can  just put that out there and state the obvious. One minute you are up and on a high and then you hear a tiny whisper of news and it brings you crashing down.

Not trying to get cryptic and poetic. It’s not my style.

My thoughts are all over the place.

First day down of facilitator  support group  training. -I can tell you it is not easy to facilitate a peer led support  group.

I’m not going t give up.

six hours of intense training -what did Daisy learn ?

The only thing I can think of at this moment is what my ma has just told me My uncle has a tumour – in his colon – cancerous- 6 cm big .

Oh and I remember this quote

“In the silence of listening, you can know yourself in everyone, the unseen singing softly to itself and to you.”

Read more at: http://www.azquotes.com/quote/824105

I think it sums up what a facilitators role is and the need to be self aware all the time.

I lost an aunt to cancer last February and another uncle not many weeks after that to Cancer. My Gran’s dementia is in the final stages. I’m trying to carve out a new life for myself, my daughter. I am terrified of losing my own mother.

I’m human.

 Conflicted.

Mental illness sucks balls

. I really don’t need it to start causing shit when I have so many important things I need to get on with.

Like what ?

Well my life.

My family,

my career,

Volunteering

I’m not going to let this beat me. No matter how many panic attacks I get, how many times I weigh myself  or how complexed everything gets. I’m going to get through this. I will be there for my family.  I will succeed in my goals with volunteering.

 Went to the dentist and his  assistant says to me

“you are one tough cookie.”

 So did the tattoo dude when I got my new tattoo 2 weeks ago .

Yes, It’s a good job I have lived the life I have.

I can honestly say thank fuck for every experience that has led me up to this moment.

I am holding up pretty good.

 I’ve done a gym session, had a bath and read my daughter a story. I’m not going to go into what I learned today.

I need time to process it.

I’m not going into my uncles condition.

 I need time to process.

I am going to try and distract myself and read your lovely blogs and posts. I want to write but I feel numb. I feel like if I carry on writing like this – no emotion will come across in these words..

In a way I’m honouring what I always profess to be. I am honest to a fault. Transparent.

I am the first person to mock religion but the first thing I thought about when I heard the news about my uncle was :

I am willing to believe in a God if it makes my uncle better. I’m willing to believe that  there s still hope,the operation will be a success .I’m willing to pray to something I have never laid eyes on if it will heal the suffering of a person I love.

My heads all over the place.

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Willing to believe

  1. Pingback: Willing to believe | Site Title
  2. There is a difference between religion and spirituality. You are right. Religion doesn’t do much. The two have to be separated to understand.
    Religion is knowing something about something and going through rituals that relate to it. Religion is nothing more than physical interplay masking a much deeper truth. One can’t expect religion to do anything for them. It is not activated. It is dead. But it sure seems to make people feel good to go through this role play.
    Spirituality, on the other hand, is that unseen thing religion is built upon. Most are religious, not spiritual. There are certain things upon which the consciousness of the universe is built upon. There are certain precepts and laws that cannot be circumvented. There is a Spirit that exists in all things and gives life. Spirituality doesn’t point to these things in any way. Spirituality has to do with becoming this very essence. It is powerful. It is that from which all things derive.
    Spirituality puts all things into context and balance and provides inner “support” and understanding to deal with any situation. Spirituality will not only get one through a situation, but will provide strength to overcome any bad situation or action again and again. It is just linking with and becoming a part of The Most High. That’s pretty simple.
    I really don’t want to wax eloquent here and bore you to death, but I want you to know, regarding the latter, you already have it within you. You don’t have to go out and get it. It’s already there waiting for you to access what’s inside.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi ART . you never bore me. I get what you are saying. I know I have a strong sense of spirituality but the point I was trying to make is within in me I have the energy I need to keep faith but if the world or Cancer demands I sit in a church and pray I would gladly focus on the God that my uncle believes in (dead or not) if only to strengthen that positive energy and for the result to be positive. If that makes sense. I would not give up my ida of spirituality but I also at the the same time would not be too proud to to publicly -use words of prayer of his faith to connect to his sense of spirituality and strengthen the healing energy I wish to send to him. If that makes sense.

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  3. Lots of fortitude and courage to you. Hard stuff to process, the worst … Life and death, living, dying. The most brain rattling emotional shake up of all. Big hug xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words. He is going for an operation next week – it’s 50/50 -either it is benign -god willing- or it has spread so I’m pooling all my energy into the benign pot. Thank you for the support. It means a lot x

      Liked by 1 person

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