Blood makes noise


I had nothing prepared to blog about  in my mind. Again – I thought. No inspiration to type anything.

I’m finding out my inspiration comes from reading your posts!

So thank you .

Today I want to thank Annette @ Annettes place  – post on child hood scars  and her using the daily prompt. 

Her  child hood scars remind me of my own scars.

One scar I have is huge – it almost wraps all the way around my upper wrist -it is 2-3 cm wide.  Indented, It reminds me of  a dried up river.

The cause?

Domestic violence.

Before I continue..

I do want to point out  this month is MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS week in the UK.

The theme  and focus  for 2016 is on relationships

I’m going to state the obvious here.

Domestic violence in a relationship fucks about with your mental health, whether you love the person or not.

lose-love-and-self-respect-maya-angelou-daily-quotes-sayings-pictures

Toxic relationships have  usually tipped me  over into using shitty coping mechanisms like drinking too much  , taking drugs, over dosing and not managing my medication or my eating disorder and Bipolar.

So back to the blood  river scar.

One night- no

Another night of heavy drinking and arguing ,I found me in a house -not mine- that looked like a slaughter house. all dirty browns. There was a rusty scent  of blood impossible to ignore.

Every time I inhaled, the scent   would drip down the back of my throat like a  tap -I could taste it too.

I  had mixed copious amounts of  alcohol with my medication and all I remember is trying to push my ex away with my left hand ( I am left handed) ,he grabbed my arm and I struggled back .

BLACK OUT

giphy (9).gif

 An image.

An arm.

maxresdefault (1)

 a massive shard of re enforced window glass- barbered-   poking out  of my  right arm.

 

Another image.

the back of my exes legs  and back running up the stairs.

PANIC 

BLOOD

DRINK

VODKA

WHERE IS THE ORANGE JUICE?

WHERE IS THE GLASS?

WHERE IS MY EX ?

BLOOD 

DRIP

BLOOD 

DRIP

BLOOD 

DRIP

BLOOD 

DRIP

PANIC 

PANIC

An arm coated thick with blood. I wear it like an accessory

giphy (12).gif

Blood makes noise.

I hear screaming.

Mine.

Ex re appears and tries to grab me .

I try to run away.

PANIC 

BLOOD

DRIP

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

Why is my ex naked? 

In the middle of the street?

Rolling on the floor with me- trying to muffle my screams with his hand. Trying to stop me from running away...

BLOOD

MIND FUCKERY at its best.

“Look what you have done…” ex says.

6 hours later – location:  hospital.

The doctor asks to speak with me in private. My ex doesn’t want to leave my side.

I don’t say anythingquack quack! quack quack! quack quack!   the word on a loop ..

quack

“What happened?”  he wants to know.

“We don’t know. We were drinking. I can’t remember. It was an accident.” my ex speaks for us.

My head bows down,it almost appears as if I am nodding. I can’t quite remember.

What I do remember feels like I have made it up, it is so detached from my mind and emotions. It is about as close to me as Pluto or Saturn.

3 days in hospital my ex never left my side.

Not even to go home to wash or brush his teeth.

I wasn’t alone- my mother was with us too.

I was high on Morphine for the pain.

Why didn’t they operate sooner? 

Did they want to monitor me? 

The situation? 

Us? 

three days later…  I’m being wheeled on the hospital bed- away from the stale ,coughing  ward..

“count back with me from 10 “ says the anaesthetist.

10 , 9 ,8 ……

BLACK OUT

giphy (13).gif

“1”. my eyes burst open. I gasp a breath. It is  like I’ve been living in a home made  sac filled with  half shallow water and half air .

 Disorientated.

What happened?

I look down at the art work the surgeon has done.

No more blood .

re stuffed  re patched, re covered ,

by a micro surgic  hand.

Discharged.

Back to the carnival freak show.

I enter his home – a massacre.

Dry blood everywhere.

Smell.

Bleach.

Sound.

Scrubbing brushes.

Stubborn blood. 

If only it could  serve as a reminder of what actually happened that night.

“I don’t remember” the ex says.

How can he and I not know?

Every time I look at my scar I am reminded of the chaos that was my life for 4 years.

This scar says –

mutilation.

despair.

secrets.

emotions numbed.

detachment.

silence.

silence-1.jpg

This scar reminds me to NEVER be silent in the name of so called love or a sense of loyalty to one who  claimed to   love me so much he would do anything to keep me.

http://www.vevo.com/watch/suzanne-vega/blood-makes-noise/USIV20300313

When I left him, I did not take his threats seriously.

 What he did next gave serious  competition  with the scar I see .

That everyone can see.

Toxic relationships result in severe loss – sometimes that means your life.

Think  carefully about what and who your life may include.

I was re born again on the 06/05/2015.

The day the court ordered social services out of my life.

The day that my ex turned his back on me,  is they day I realised I had been  holding my breath for years.

I had forgotten how to breath.  I might have been dead- a wanderer.

06/05/2015 -I remembered not only how to breathe  again but why.

Life -not just my own but that who is of me.

Life is precious

Life is my responsibility

resumption_by_jorgeremmy-d3drxy2.png

Advertisements

48 thoughts on “Blood makes noise

  1. What a story, and what bravery to share. I’m so awful that you’ve lived through such awful things. But things change! You’re getting married! Don’t get too bogged down in the past, yeah? Your future could be more beautiful than you can even imagine.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. What a story. I’m sorry you had to live through that. I must honestly say that I lived in a community where, for some reason, there was a lot of domestic violence. I had to drive more than a few of my employees to the hospital or a shelter. In my head I would always get angry. Why didn’t they just leave? However, when I moved to Los Angeles I landed myself into a violent, dangerous three year relationship that I tried to save at any cost. I understand now.

    It’s good to see that you were finally able to break free from that environment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • you sound like a good man to help these people. People just don’t want to talk about abuse- it is so common in our society. It’s expected! People don’t understand than men can abuse and so can woman. I’m glad you are out of an abusive relationship . You come across as a kind man and deserve to be treated with respect. 🙂 thanks for reading 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Someday you should compile this stuff in a book. I know it is graphic, but it shows what a person can live through, and not only survive, but find a way to thrive in, in the aftermath.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Blood makes noise – A Thomas Point of View
  5. I know that I dont know you, but I am proud of you! You have come far. My mom, in her second marriage, was abused. I dont know how many times I drove her (at 12, 13, 14 yrs of age) to the hospital after a major argument/beating by my now ex-stepfather. Thank God she is away from him, but it is a constant struggle for her every day. You are so strong!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • wow! that sounds pretty traumatic. My late aunt was never diagnosed but she defo had wife beating syndrome. I’m glad she is away from him too. It is soul destroying. That must have traumatised you as a teenager. You say I am strong! well, I don’t know you either but what you did for Ma takes epic courage xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • hehehe He got scared of me when I threatened him with an iron skillet one night. I was probably 13 at that time. It is soul destroying and my hubby has never been around anyone who survived it until my mom. Its been hard for him to understand, but he understands why I am the way I am about certain things now. Everything that happens is what makes us who we are today. No regrets!

        Liked by 1 person

      • no no regrets. I came from an abusive home and we (me and my Ma) actually laugh about the time I took a knife out to her ex and accidentally caught him in-between his thumb and index finger- hit a vein – it looked worse than it was but he was being such a asshole. I paid for it. He ended up trying to choke me and my Ma saved the day. We looked out for each other.. But he had to go so I had to devious and find ways to make sure he stayed out. When I finally convinced my Ma he was wrong for her. We were coming back from somewhere and we passed this mall that we had to get home. There was the fire ambulance people and a crowd all looking at the top of the mall roof. It was ex threatening to kill himself- he was as drunk as a skunk – But yes. No regrets. Me and my Ma have such a strong bond. She is my best friend 🙂

        Like

  6. Sometimes writing without a plan can end in the most powerful works: this is one of those times.
    Wow. That’s all I could say when I finished reading. Domestic violence is not something that I’ve ever been through so I can’t pretend to understand, but the honesty in this post brings me one step closer to being better able to empathize with people who are stuck in these places.
    Thank you for sharing such a personal and painful story with the world. These kinds of stories are key to shining a light on the issue and preventing it from happening again and again and again.
    You are so STRONG for getting through that.
    Xo
    Ayla

    Like

    • Thanks Ayla. It is never okay to abuse someone but when abuse does start happening and the boundaries get blurred and alcohol and drugs feature things can get bad. I knoW I tried to fight back many times especially when I had a black outs. It was like all the abuse I was keeping inside and all the pain I felt I would wait until I drank and then I would feel strong enough and brave enough to lash out. THANKS for the thumbs up for my writing style. I tend to do this with all my writing. I am not a planner Thanks for your support as always :0 x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. What an incredibly powerful post. Raw, honest and brutally graphic. I’m so glad that you got out of the situation. There’s a powerful message here for everyone to hear, thanks for sharing your story Daisy. You’re a brave woman.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Daisy, I cried and cried this morning. Tears of gratitude to have inspired you to speak out. Tears that someone else has suffered and tears for those many who suffer. My one scar sounds as deep as yours. The one visible one that is the biggest anyway. Sad that we have this in common but you made me feel not so alone this morning because I dreamed of my abuser which happens often after 25years in the relationship who would not still dream. Not good dreams either. Anway, I have only had 2 sips of coffee Dasiy so excuse my babble. Thank you again for the honor of the inspiration even know it is such a bleak subject it needed to be told.

    Like

  9. Reblogged this on Annette's place and commented:
    What an honor to be someone’s inspiration to write from the heart. The subject matter may be a taboo still but people like us that speak out do not want it to happen to another soul. Thank you for your wonderful post!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. This was graphic…and exactly what we need to see to understand how important it is to kill the silence. It’s always the deafening silence that needs to be given first priority. Always. Glad you rose above this Daisy.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This was heavy, Daisy. Thank you for sharing your truth. Your post was a like a graphic novel-form poem. I could really feel your pain and disorientation. On another note, “Blood Makes Noise” reminds me of the Suzanne Vega song, which I haven’t heard in about a million years.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry .A bit early in the morning for heavy shit . You got me. Love that song and it totally inspired my title 🙂 xxx thanks for reading . Think I will add it to this post. People need to hear the song 🙂

      Like

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s