No Regrets


Hey flowers,

Please if you will -take the time to read this post or any  Blog posts raising awareness  about mental health. May is Mental Health Awareness month.

We all have Mental health – it can become good and Bad and does change -all the time.Illness  does not discriminate  when it comes to our Mental Health or our Physical health.

I don’t know about our soul.

I only can pray that it leaves our soul alone.

If for whatever reason it does affect our soul then we all have a duty to become  a unified spirit to fight stigma and raise awareness for the souls troubled by the many maladies ready to lock jaw our loved ones.

It was Hectic day yesterday. I went to visit my Gran (as I usually do) and I found her sat in her chair screaming at something or someone. When I walked closer to her and checked around the bend to see who she was so angry and frightened at , there was nobody there!

I went up to her and went to say hello and comfort her. Her eyes shimmered. Possibly happy to see a human with her. I don’t know. I don’t think she recognised that I was her grandchild. She may have just been happy to see a familiar face?

I started talking and she saw my engagement ring. This is a ring that has been passed down from her now deceased mother. She gave it to my Mom. When me and G got engaged, Mom   gave it to me. She was there when he proposed!

She started trying to get it off my finger and then he went to hit me.

I wasn’t afraid.

I was shocked.

My Ma reckons I took it too personally. I didn’t.

People say she is not who she was and her mind is not there but she is still here in her body and just because  she presents herself as a person  not here nor there.

I know she is living somewhere in the past or present at an almost hallucinogenic frequency.

No she can’t talk but she knows – on some level that ring was her mothers and she for whatever reason – did not like me wearing it or it conjured some memory of it.

I don’t know.

We play music – it sometimes help –

sometimes it doesn’t.

I sing this to her a lot.    She loved this song and always laughed when I sang it to her.  Here is the English translation

Chocolates and sweet things seem to be the only thing that make her happy.

Which is fine for me!

Her wonderful, named carer is on holiday for a few days and I found her not cared  for or like she usually is.

I know she makes a mess of her clothes with food but yesterday she appeared to me to be   filthy . Her eyes were full of green gunk.

She was tired,

Aggravated.

She smelt obnoxious.

I never smell anything bad when I go and visit my Gran. Mom and I discussed it. She may have a urine infection and that may be why she smells and  is more disorientated than usual.

5 weeks to go to the wedding. Ma is convinced my Gran will be there for the ceremony. I want this,of course , then, I also know that to keep her quiet, her carer, will be feeding her sweets.

I suppose they do that at the care home but it sounds so harsh – so selfish. Doesn’t it?

Ma wants her God to take her. I understand why but what about when she is gone?

We will never see her again. Never see even a faint glimpse of her smile

I will never see this face again -feel her hands.

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I know I have my photographs and my videos. My mind was fucked up when I got home yesterday.

Another  Daisy rant but it is mental health awareness month and it is Dementia awareness week from 16- 21 May 2016 in the U.K.

Check out what is going on and what you can do  HERE

This is what is happening in my local community.

Dementia Awareness Week – Soul Journey with Verd de gris

To coincide with Dementia Awareness Week verd de gris in conjunction with Calderdale Libraries will be screening their beautiful film ‘Soul Journey’ at venues across the borough all week, including Halifax Central, King Cross, Hebden Bridge and Todmorden Libraries.

The film explores some of the myths that build up around dementia and weaves together spoken word, moving images and an original score to capture some of the beauty and dignity of the people taking part – and to celebrate the extraordinary richness of the landscape that means so much to them.

If you want to take part in the creative sessions contact jeff.vdg@btinternet.com for more information

https://halifaxnorthandeast.com/2016/05/13/dementia-awareness-week-soul-journey-with-verd-de-gris/

I recently became part of a Face book support group-DEMENTIA AWARE U.K.  and they are a great bunch of people. It helps to hear other peoples thoughts and what  is going on for them and their loved ones.

If you use FB  or other social media websites you can search in the FaceBook search bar for groups to join , wherever you are in the world.

Some lovely individual shared this poem with me.

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THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS.

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32 thoughts on “No Regrets

  1. It’s crushing to see your loved ones in this state. My aunt has been dealing with Schizophrenia for a while now. It hasn’t been easy for her and all of us. But after reading this, I have this sense of belonging with everyone engaged with mental illness in some way or the other.
    Thank you for this. Really. ❤

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  2. Such an insidious condition but so wonderful that you can share this with us! Shed some light on what it’s like for the family. Such a lovely photo of you and your Nan too – and such heartfelt, loving words. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to being addressed as a flower, but don’t stop. This practice reeks of Daisy, and it smells good in that way. 🙂
    Those first few lines made me collect a few thoughts. I was watching a video on brain science recently and realized that the brain is not actually the thinking part of us. The thinking part is actually the soul. The brain is more of a storage and processing unit. The soul seems to be the thing activating the brain and causing it to act. That must be why, when the soul is connected to Source, that it becomes so infinite. Unfortunately, it also means that the soul is the part of us that gets messed up too.
    On the brighter side. It is much easier to fix a soul than a body. Usually when the soul is fixed the body heals as well.
    Sorry about your Gran. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve worked in Alzheimers wards a time or two. It’s peculiar. Now that I think about the changes witnessed there, it seems to indicate a disconnect between mind and soul. The mind is still there and can recognize life to a certain degree, but the thought and the prompts are missing. When this happens life is approached as if one were a computer, knowing what to do, waiting for input, but somehow not getting the prompt.

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    • ha! What if I say “Hey Flower” in a manly voice? Not sure it is a greeting I will use all the time.I think I have lived in the U.K. for . far too long 😀 The brain is like a machine. what makes us human is our ability process and feel. There is some research about a lack of protein in the brain. It does seem like she is possessed at times. By this shitty illness. Illness is the true devil and hell is watching people suffer and not being able to do something.

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      • Just walk up to G-man real casually, and in a manly voice, greet him with, “Hey flower!” Report back to me what the response is. 🙂 In the meantime, I’ll decide what kind of a flower I’d like to be, since I can’t quite wrap my mind around this at present. Lol!
        Of course, this is all in jest.
        I do like your flowery address. It fits you quite nicely. So please don’t change, and continue to be yourself as you wish to express it.
        As for your G-ma, it is a totally different story. Though nobody is willing to admit it. In fact, most will hide it from themselves for fear of what it means, illness is primarily spiritual. It only manifests in the physical as an anomaly.
        Therein lies the key to all health. Actions and choices either attract or repel spirits. The resultant anomalous behaviour is spirit based. The soul is the part of us that is being affected. Heal the soul and anomalous behaviour disappears. No condition is forever, unless we choose it to be so.

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  4. Sending so much love your way 💕. I know how hard it is, and it’s not going to get easier, but at least we find people to share our stories and for me that’s comforting that I’m not alone. It’s so hard wondering if they know you anymore. I remember my dad telling me he told my mom it was their anniversary and of course she didn’t remember, but she also asked him to tell her about their lives. He said, “We have three children.” And she said, “Who are they?” 💔

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    • that kills me, that must have been horrific for him ,bless. It is such a mind fuck not knowing what is going on in her head. You have it bang on . What does make me laugh has always been a bit of a magpie , last September, my Nan on my Dad’s side came to her 81st birthday and she had this blingy hand bag with her. She tried to take it off my Nan. She hasn’t lost her taste in style and fashion 🙂 xxxx

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      • LOL! Well it is good to laugh when we can! Sometimes we have to turn to humor to get through the bizarre moments. Like we have two cats at home, but my mom will often end up petting me or other people instead of the cats. She’ll look right at them, say something directed their way, and then reach her hand and give me a pat or a rub. I have to laugh because I’d rather see that moment as humorous than sad.

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  5. I can really relate to this post. It was somewhat hard for me to read, because I went through the same thing with my grandmother almost four years ago. Before she passed away and was still somewhat with it, she would watch the Sound of Music and the video of my mom and dad’s wedding.

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      • Oh well I can’t really like this comment but at least you still have some time and a chance to build some strong positive memories. I will pray to any God of yours (I don’t have one) to be merciful on your grnadfather. It is is a horrific illness. People are getting diagnosed in their 40/50’s – I think mediction should be given in the earlier stages. We should all be afforded the right to be pre tested for any signs or pre dispostions to illness. I guess the health industry profits too much on illness than our health. xxx

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  6. Hugs Daisy 🙂 . I know it is not easy to see your loved ones age, suffer, or in any pain or disorientation. It is hard to see the once independent, now reliant of someone else to take care of them. It too, is hard for them and must be awful. Your Gran’s mind maybe a little mixed up, but somewhere she is there and she knows. She indicated that with your ring. Be strong, hold onto all the beautiful memories. You are lucky to have your Gran, and she is so lucky to have you. xxx

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      • I hear what you are saying, but you know what, I think you did your best, as you were able, at that time. When our loved ones pass or age, i think it is normal to feel that we did not do enough, it never is enough…I think it is natural to automatically think we could have done more. You did what you could, and she loved you no matter what, her love for you is unconditional. Be strong, and know she loves you, no matter what. xxx

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      • I know you are right – like you say,it is normal to feel this way. I do tell the people in my life how much I love them -as many times as I can remember. This illness and how it has affected not only my Gran but her children and the entire family makes me appreciate the people in my life so much more – it helps me express it too. So there is the silver lining and the life lesson from our sufferings :). You sound like you know what you are talking about. In my experience someone so compassionate usually has suffered themselves xxx thank you Lynne. You are a treasure x

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  7. Superb post…if heart-wrenching. Every human being is afflicted to some degree….Too many people see only ‘others’…and even speak of ‘them’ or ‘they’.
    My favourite ‘field’….Psychological Welfare. 😉
    I just LOVE that picture of you and your gran…
    Love and Hugs for both of you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Be well sweet Daisy! I am sure the pain must be great seeing someone you love so in such a state. Thank you for sharing and helping raise awareness. Her love of you is the same, just as yours will not change. Stay strong, many blessings. 💛

    Liked by 1 person

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