Will dance for Life.


“To become a spectator of one’s own life is too escape the suffering of life” OSCAR WILDE

My G found an awesome Oscar Wilde Quotation Book for me in a charity shop.

Last night, I came across this quote and I began to ponder on  it. I went to bed with it in my head. It is obvious to me that I have been a spectator when I was taking drugs or drinking too much.  Yet, I was still suffering.

I think the way I dealt with social services when I was proving myself as a worthy mother  was a time when I should have suffered the most.

I didn’t cry every night. Hardly ever.

I didn’t go drinking and getting high and over dosing every night or even every 6 months.

I began to watch my life unfold.

I was actively participating in it but for a while  my mind needed breaks- binge watching horror  movies, stand up comedy and other series .Learning to eat properly  again and not party.Take my medication even though it makes me put on weight.  I couldn’t be a Brecht- like spectator 24/07

I learned to live an almost hermetic existence. I  DID became closer to my Mom and my hubby to be  and I found out a lot about who I really am.

I couldn’t throw myself in the whole emotional vortex,  that was my life 24/7  because I think I  would still be in it.

I had to take it day by day.

Moment by moment.

I had to become an active spectator because I had a  choice to make. We always have a choice to make.

Of course on some level I must have suffered not being able to see my daughter for more than 10 hours a week for 16 months.

But the more I stopped looking at social services presence in my life as an invasion. I began to observe them as they did with me and the relationship dynamics began to change.

It’s a most surreal idea to say I never suffered when I was fighting for my daughter.

When the control of how I governed my life needed a full 360  degree turn. The control became about governing myself.

I did have moments where like a spectator I cringed and was brought to tears and “oohed” and “aaahed” .

 It was like listening to a song that disarms you for however many moments.

All songs end eventually.

Then, I was free to spectate again.

Sometimes not knowing what to do and just doing what I felt was right is what I think  saved me.

I called social services – MY UNWANTED ENTOURAGE.

It was our very public  joke .

Because let’s face it -if I  am ever going to need an entourage -I am going to pick a  P.A., a hair dresser, make up artist, editor, child minder,accountant etc…

But on the other side of the coin if you remain a mere spectator in your own life –

yeah sure you  won’t suffer,but

you might just  forget to feel.

If I can’t feel then what is the point of getting married?

Having children?

Having friends?

If I can’t participate in life because I am scared I am going to be let down then that is just a cop out.

When I risk the chance of suffering or potentially being let down or hurt…

If I participate, I have  half a good chance to make things right.

I get to fight for who and what I want in my life.

So suffer we must but the rewards, on the upside ,are the people we have around us and the experiences we get to feel that makes suffering worthwhile.

There is a saying – it goes something like this:

“How can we be so sure to ever know  and appreciate true happiness if we have never experiences disappointment and unhappiness?” 

I have learnt to take more risks with my heart and I have become a more open and aware person.

Yes, when we love others – friends,family – our partners…

There are going to be rough times.

Just be there.

You don’t have to give advice.

Just listen and check in every now and then.

If you want some one in your life.

Ask that person  to to be there.

They can only say Yes or No.

More to gain than lose if your heart’s intentions are good.

These are my thoughts on this stunning, sunny ,Spring Bank Holiday Monday.

 

 

 

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18 thoughts on “Will dance for Life.

  1. That Wilde quote is pretty zen. There is such a thing as an observer state. This is most often mentioned in Buddhism. In this state one uses their soul to observe themselves in their physical surroundings. The reason for this practice is to understand not so much the situation we find ourselves in, but rather to find the meaning for the situation we find ourselves in. The purpose is to see that there is a reason for everything we go through and how often we are drawing these situations to ourselves for the very purpose of working through them. In this way, situations of life are not painful, but light in that they teach us understanding and knowledge that we build on later in life. Life becomes a happy thing of always leading us forward on the path to enlightenment.
    I like your quote as well, and personally I think it complements the former. We understand how to go forward sometimes just by going through the process and learning from it, be it pleasure or pain. When we know what we don’t want, we appreciate what we actually have.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, this makes sense. I was trying to find meaning. Thank you for the feedback. I feel 100% understood. I appreciate who and what I have – I had to go through crap to get to this point. Now it is all about what next? Afraid? yes. My next move? enjoy life with what I have now or extend life and improve it? I want my career back. I want a bigger family but I don’t want to lose all that I have become. Physically I am so vain to lose all that I have worked hard for. Isn’t that just selfish and shallow? I work out a lot. Am I ready for nature to have its way with my form? There is so many important issues out their than my identity – the part the world sees. I like this me.. I don’t know how to keep what I have fought for and to take the next step…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Going forward doesn’t necessarily mean leaving something behind. The baggage and the mistakes maybe, but not the progress. That we can build upon.
        Keeping up one’s shape is not a matter of vanity. It is a matter of health and proper balance. One will find that people who are generally fit are generally in balance as well.
        The greater question that I would pose to myself or to the Creator, if you wish, would be, “Is this a time to be having a slew of children.” The body can always be recovered. The choices, they have a way of sticking.
        Maybe that’s it. There is no way of knowing the future except getting in touch with your personal side, your higher self. It’s a switch from the material world, but well worth the investment in the long run. Life becomes less of an experiment that we fall into, and more of a knowing what’s coming next.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks for the advice. I need to look at the bigger picture. Exercise is my biggest coping mechanism. A slew of children huh? Sounds fun ;). That is it I understand the choices of having a child and the consequences and what comes with it. There is so much GOOD but it needs to be me 100% committed and I want to enjoy it. I never had that chance with my daughter. I am at my happiest when I am around my daughter. She has a way of bringing me to life……… sorry.. me just rambling……. Thanks again. G is a great father to my Bee . This is not some thing I am going to do on a whim. Planning is exactly what is needed. So I have a lot of talking and thinking to do. 🙂

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  2. Beautiful honest post as always. You needed to fight the fight, and you did in the best way ever. You now reap the benefits. It is sad though sometimes what one has to endure to have a life of happiness. You have done the whole 360 and come out tops. You truly are an inspiration. x

    Liked by 1 person

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