Vacant


I’m scared  because I don’t know how to comfort her anymore.

I’m scared because when I go and visit her ,

she  does this trick of making out like her eyes have glazed over into a  dark,shut, emerald door.

I can’t see inside. I try to peek through  the key hole,  carefully.

There is  seemingly no one there.

Vacant. a word chastened in hyperbole.

The remnants of a body is  clearly  still  in front of me.

I only sit and stare.

I hear a sound – high pitched screams.

It sounds like there is a disturbing altercation   going on in there.

A neighbour  breathes and passes by , leaving  only a scented whisper of

” Feed her chocolate. It keeps her subdued”.

Fair trade Chocolate does not seem like the  ethical solution  to end  a deplorable mental feud.

The air is thick with  my punctuated  words.

WHY?

the neighbour screams,

Red, furious and right up in my face-

“BECAUSE THEN YOU WON’T HAVE TO KEEP UP YOUR NOBLE ATTEMPTS TO MAKE OUT SHE IS STILL A PART OF US HUMANS SPACE

She is!

look,

Look at her .

I kiss her head and she flirts with that smile.

The neighbour shakes his head.

“All she does is mumble like a car spluttering ,trying to clock one last mile”.

“It would be kinder if they actually just stopped and kept her  underfed.”

Oh really, if she  doesn’t understand then why the hell did she lash  out to hit me ? 

She saw her ring on my finger .

If she is only a  shell then why do  such  emotions come out like she is  an venomous, angered Bee?

“I wish she would go. It is no existence”.

Yes, it is hard to see her exist like this but the only the alternative you suggest is that me ,you and her have even more distance.

Maybe I am selfish,

but nobody really knows how much she  knows.

Just because she can’t speak or walk or do much anymore .

it doesn’t meant everyone can just talk  around her like a she is a retard.

 It doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel our ignorance  like fists pummelling  her heart in  fierce blows.

I see the image of her in bed , sleeping with her Teddy bear.

 I can’t take my eyes away from it and just pretend that this is what it is and carry on like I don’t care.

I don’t cry. I try .

I don’t try . I cry.

Suffer.

Suffer.

Suffer.

If it was me in her place,

 I would make sure I had a will that specified I decided when I wanted to  dissipate into another state or  place.

(For my Gran. Dementia is ……. I am at a loss for words)

Advertisements

52 thoughts on “Vacant

  1. I’d been through the same a few years ago with my dad. It’s hard to see it happen, seems like their personality changes. He knew it was happening, which made it even harder to accept. They don’t want to be this way, but have no control over it. Keep doing what you are doing, but don’t forget to take care of yourself, also. (((hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Daisy, I read your post and my heart just went out to you because I can relate so much. I’m so sorry for the pain and the heartache that you’re going through. I know the feeling. I’ve been going through it for over a year with my own mum. Some days are so hard, but all you can do is be there for her. Her soul is still in there and she still loves you, even if she can’t express anything. Hugs. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Epically Awesome Award | Never Backward
  4. My grandfather was similar a good 15 years ago i would say. My grandmother insisted he go to the er as he had ab pain. He had a tiny spec in a Pet Scan, I am doing one Friday, and it was said come back in 6 months and if it has not changed it is all good. I have experience with this turning. He was fine and the growth was the same size. my grandmother insisted he had surgery. Oops a clamp slipped and he lost a leg and almost died. I had pull and got him upgraded. I worked with him 3 days a week outside of 3 days with a pt and I taught him to strengthen himself. He scared the hell out of my grandmother and she cursed me for teaching to climb up the stairs using his arms and he surprised her as she slept. he did not need surgery and he settled for poor surgery badly and lived several years later but he was never the same. So, i understand.

    Like

      • I did my first half today and the Cardio hated my echo result. I had told him that I have had stress tests since I started heart rate training. In HS I would suck the first week of cross country practice, I would walk the warmup when my heart felt bad. week later I was doing 2 miles in ten minutes, maybe 1.5 weeks. So the cardio is scared, the ortho today told me surgery will probably not heal me and I may never be able to workout again and I may need to alter biking or may never be able to do that again, after 2 years of it, maybe 3. Tomorrow is interesting and I am waiting to calm down and start cramping shortly.

        Like

      • Your post brought up that she is communicating now in an emotional mood. It is second childhood stuff. It is the way we used to communicate before we learned words – through non-verbal bonding. One can actually tune into it if they try, and perhaps hear the “silent” conversation. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    • yes, the nature of the illness means she goes back in time until she reverts to a baby again. Isn’t that messed up? I’ve tried music, touch , different sensory stimulation. She is so far gone. But I won’t give up. She is still alive and the though it gets harder to see her this way I can’t let her or my own Mom down. I wish I could make my own Mom feel better .. 🙂 thanks for the advice

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Brooke. You can’t imagine how awful I felt about my engagement ring. She was there when G proposed. The ring date back to the late 1930/40’s and was my great grand mothers. She passed it on to my mom who passed it onto to me. I guess she forgot – or there is some emotion attached to that ring and her feelings about her mom. I hate playing detective. Especially when I am not going to solve the reason why… xxxx

      Like

  5. Beautiful post Daisy, and so so sad. All you can do is love her and be there for her during this time. (which you are) She knows you are there, and she loves you for that. Her love for you is unconditional. Hugs. x

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s