24 hours


Today- the present.

If you read what I refrained from posting yesterday, this will give you a clear perspective on how our thoughts and feelings change constantly. I wasn’t going to to go out yesterday. My feelings on how I  was feeling was that I was being  all very ‘woe is me’ and I  had a ‘doom and gloom’ outlook.

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Such an unproductive way for me to think.

 How did I get myself from my bed to out and about and carrying on with my life?

  • I COMMUNICATED.

  • I talked about my worries.

  • I explained my anxieties.

  • I spoke to my Mom and My G.

 

Mom’s great advice was

“You do not know what the future holds”

“Live for this moment”

My four year old daughters advice was this:

” Mommy, I have a good idea . Do you want to go to Asda with me and Daddy and then I can ride the bull/ car ride?”

 Here I was worrying about so many things. I should have been getting excited about getting married.

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I  know I am not  the only person  who over analyses and catastrophizes things. It’s a shit mind set to be in but I do work on it.

Catastrophizing is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is. Catastrophizing can generally can take two forms.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-catastrophizing/

I have really missed doing my volunteering. I’ve been so focused on the wedding. I am so happy to say that I have a chance to co -produce and facilitate a mini workshop for Healthy minds at the end of June.

It is in connection with the OPEN MINDS PROJECT.   – that Raises Mental Health Awareness and helps to fight against reducing the stigma around Mental Health issues. 

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Fingers crossed!

Please send me some positive vibes. 😀

 

 

I get the opportunity to help Healthy minds   do a mini -workshop ,to help  raise awareness around how    parents can  manage  Depression and Anxiety, in a  more holistic way. The other  aim of the workshop is to also sign post people to organisations where they can access help.

I may share a very small part of how I  personally handle my mental health as a parent.

I’ve got a meeting on the 27th June.  The wedding will be over and I can get back to doing something that gives me a sense of purpose.

What a difference a day makes!

I’m so glad I used my care plan and my coping skills yesterday and pushed myself. I can 100% honestly say that when I came home I felt I had accomplished something. I paid the bills, I went to Asda, I popped in to see a friend. I had a chance to laugh and I got to spend time with my daughter ( in the U.K. it is half term holidays.) .

If I had shut myself down completely and said no which is what I initially did. I wouldn’t be feeling like I feel today.

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I will post details of the workshop in a post  as soon as possible.

24 hours ago –  My mind state. 

As you lose your youthful Strength,and your body acquires a “more lived in look”, meditate on your true self, your essential consciousness. Body consciousness has no place in your thoughts. You are old enough to know what really matters.” UNKNOWN.

You would this I had this one quote sussed already, right?

WRONG!

Yes, I look more mature these days, I’m getting married and I have a beautiful spirited child who gives me more joy than any drug or party  or person ever did. I’m turning 35 in November.

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As many people say:  I have come so far.

I have cheated death more times than the luckiest of cats.

I’ve gone from a 5 stone , skeleton to a 10 stone toned person full of child hearted  playfulness , a life, friends and  love.

What comes after marriage?

YOU MUST COME OFF YOUR MEDICATION DAISY! IT IS ADDICTIVE AND YOU DON’T WANT TO CHANCE ANOTHER CHILD  BEING BORN WITH WITHDRAWALS FROM PRESCRIBED MEDICATION  DO YOU?

No. Of course I don’t. I was  put on these meds to drug me into staying on bed rest.So, I didn’t burn off more calories when I was ill and severely Anorexic in 2005 . I also use them too hep me eat. Sometimes I still get anxious when I eat and after I have eaten.

One part of my eating disorder that hasn’t disappeared.

I do love food. A great anxiety reliever for me is exercising (in moderation).

I’ve been on these meds for over 10 years! Along with other medication.

I’ve spoken with my support  of a reduction plan at my own pace. I am up for it because eventually  we want to extend our family but today  I have suddenly been struck with the blood of a lizard.

Pale and anxious.

How am I going to cope without this shit that keeps me okay?

G  is an epic Dad. He deserves his hockey team.  😀   -(He is  not getting a Hockey team)

I haven’t touched cigs since my Aunt died of Lung Cancer in February 2015  but I am still addicted to nicotine.

I E -VAPE.

I can go without alcohol . That is not an issue for me.

So on these terms and as I stand today, what kind of start would I be giving our child (if I can conceive) ?

It is not  good enough.

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I’m trying to get my career back.

Since I have been focusing on the wedding, I have stepped away from volunteering and I feel a great loss in my life.

Volunteering and training in various courses was my career and still will be until I can get FULL  TIME work to pay the bills and maybe even take a holiday.

My previous pregnancy was a disaster because of the place I was in at that time.

I am utterly terrified of my body changing again, I’m afraid I won’t get an easy labour now I know how it all works and feels.

So do we wait a few years?

I’m less likely to conceive as each cycle goes by.

We want to move to  better place. A place we will be happier.

There are no chances of any accidents.

I am responsible and have the Non hormonal IUD fitted in me.

There are so many quotes about trusting your heart and not your mind. I yearn for another child. I want the chance to be excited and be a life  giver with a whole new outlook this time.

Time is working against me. I wouldn’t worry  so much if I was in my 20’s.

I looked up 50 great reasons to get pregnant. There are some gems in there. I never felt my Bella Bee move as she was snuggled behind my placenta.

How shallow does this sound.

I want another girl.

I don’t know what is up with me. I should be happy I have a family already.

I am.

I am scared of  having regrets too.

I am scared that I have a limited chance of conceiving again.

I am terrified of losing what I have (including control of my body)

I am angry that I worry about my body when the bigger picture is the miracle of life.

So I should know better.

I don’t want to go down the IVF route.

I’m not to posh to push ( gas and air will do)

I don’t even want to carry on with this post because I get so emotional.

I’ve never been great at planning. Impulse has always been my default mode.

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TEMPORARY FEAR MELTDOWN

 

 

THESE ARE ALL  THE  THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I HAD RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND YESTERDAY.

Today, I am not magically fixed.

I may look like I have my shit together and most days I do.

I am also a human  being who has thoughts and emotions just like everybody else.

I just  choose not to hide the fact that I have bad days.

Why should I?

 I am not saying it is easy to shift Depression and Anxiety. It isn’t.

Finding  Good coping skills  and using them are the key to helping  you manage yourself .

  • It takes time to find healthier coping skills. 

  • New Coping Strategies take practice

  • Be kind to yourself.

  • Remember, whatever coping skills you are using now, you have probably used them for a long time.

  • It will take time to gain confidence in using other coping skills.

  • There is no time limit on change- it is constant.

  • Be easy on yourself but try and find the balance to challenge yourself too. 

  • Know where to access help 

  • Ask for help

  • Establish and use a support network .

  •  Consider making a some kind of contingency plan like WRAP

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34 thoughts on “24 hours

  1. Pingback: 🏆 My Lovely Blog Award 🏆 | Simply Etta D.
  2. It’s all about finding balance.
    I’ve been struggling with a bit if this lately but as time goes on I’m finding it easier to put things in perspective.

    My time is my most valuable asset and the one thing I have very little of. If I don’t balance it wisely to include all the things that you say that matter I feel out of whack and a little resentful. But when I get to do a little of everything I feel much better.

    Sounds like you’re figuring this out also. ☺ Hugs and best wishes 🌷

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  3. Hey. It’s weird how I have never met you in ‘real life,’ only interacted with you a bit and read some of your work. But I feel like I somehow know you, through your memories, experiences, honesty and thoughts you share. The one thought that seems to stick out from all this is that you are brave. And I really admire how open you are–about yourself, and towards others.

    I’m a big believer in positive vibes….some are now drifting your way.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Maybe we have met. Ha ha! If you live in the U.K. , S.A. ,France or Miami – there is a possibility 😀 Thanks for your support. I used to liken myself to a hermit crab and used the name online -many years ago. Our reasons may be different for choosing it. I did it because I hid so much of me as possible from the world. I was terrified of what people thought and wanted to please everyone. I have got to a point where I know that is impossible. Many years ago I had a conversation with some one and I said I wish I could read peoples minds. He pointed out that would be the worst thing in the world. I couldn’t understand his logic. He said to me something like- we already have to live with our own thoughts and feelings. Imagine taking on everyone else’s ? Today I see the wisdom in those words. Thanks for the positive vibes, I’m feeling them . Sending some your way too. Do you go by another name? 🙂 Have an awesome weekend! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Alas, I live in Canada. Wow, that’s really cool to hear of your hermit crab persona. My inspiration behind the name was quite different, actually. I chose it because of something I learned as a little girl, wandering the beaches of Fiji. I used to play with the hermit crabs all the time and I learnt that they have the incredible ability to change their shells as they grow. That struck me as a fantastic metaphor for the change and different homes I hope lie ahead of me. I suppose I hope to be drawn out of my shell more, too!
        That is a wonderful piece of wisdom from your friend, thank you for sharing that story.
        P.S. I go by Trin 🙂 I hope you have a lovely weekend, too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Trin. Canada looks like a beautiful place. I never knew that about hermit crabs. That is an awesome symbolic creature to choose. WOW! You grew up in Fiji. that is so cool. Can’t wait to carry on reading your posts – brilliant metaphor for what you are achieving xx

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  4. Daisy, you have so much happening soon, you have so much going on. I am not surprised you are feeling as you are feeling. Sending positive vibes your way for sure. Don’t feel bad about wanting another little girl, after my first daughter, I too, only wanted another girl. Little girls are so precious. This time around your experience may be different, just enjoy it and love it. Even if baby no. 2 is a boy, you will love him, because he is a part of G. Hang in there, you are going to be fine. This is a new chapter in your life, embrace it. Hugs, and good vibes. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Daisy it’s good to be real just the way you are. I find myself in some funny situations too sometimes. Then I remind myself that I’m just human and things will fall into place.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Flippin eck! You’ve got a lot on! Amazing post Daisy! I’m thinking of you in your wisdom and in your turmoil. Things will work out just the way they’r emeant to if you just focus on the moment and leave the rest up to God (or whatever kind of ‘plan’ you believe in!)

    firefly

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Daisy I have LOVED reading this post. I love all your writing, but this post particularly ‘speaks to me’. You have laid yourself bare, and looked at your recovery journey as a whole, past, present and future. No wonder you feel emotional…but it’s GREAT that you show your vulnerability to your readers. To me vulnerability IS strength. To expose it requires strength, so you should be justifiably proud of your achievements. I know you get a lot of awards and have many followers so you’re probably quite used to praise by now! But I want to take this opportunity to thank you for what you write. You’re honestly a big inspiration to me 😊💙💙 B.E x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh my B.E! What praise. I only want people to understand that we all have our moments of self doubt and well… you totally get what I was trying to achieve. YAY! It is strange when I make myself vulnerable I do feel stronger to carry on… A bit of a weird one. I’m so glad you got something from this post. I am grateful for such beautiful, complimentary words. Erm.. yeah… I’ve been sitting on this post for a day now. THANK YOU. I don’t think you know how much what you have aid means to me. xxxxx hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      • Really? Aw I’m SO GLAD Daisy. Hugs back to you 😊 I often ‘nearly’ comment on your posts but then see how many other supportive comments you get so figure you don’t need mine…but now I know how much you appreciate it I will comment more. I think you do come across as a strong person, you describe yourself as ‘an irrepressible woman’ and that’s true-but even irrepressible women are human and flawed and have all kinds of inner shit and self doubt goin on. I project a strong persona, but am extremely fragile deep down. Everyone is to an extent, but bravery is expressing your ‘not so good’ moments. Well done lovely-you have my full respect and unconditional support 💙💙,B.E x

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