Today- the present.
If you read what I refrained from posting yesterday, this will give you a clear perspective on how our thoughts and feelings change constantly. I wasn’t going to to go out yesterday. My feelings on how I was feeling was that I was being all very ‘woe is me’ and I had a ‘doom and gloom’ outlook.
How did I get myself from my bed to out and about and carrying on with my life?
I talked about my worries.
I explained my anxieties.
I spoke to my Mom and My G.
Mom’s great advice was
“You do not know what the future holds”
“Live for this moment”
My four year old daughters advice was this:
” Mommy, I have a good idea . Do you want to go to Asda with me and Daddy and then I can ride the bull/ car ride?”
Here I was worrying about so many things. I should have been getting excited about getting married.
I know I am not the only person who over analyses and catastrophizes things. It’s a shit mind set to be in but I do work on it.
Catastrophizing is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is. Catastrophizing can generally can take two forms.
I have really missed doing my volunteering. I’ve been so focused on the wedding. I am so happy to say that I have a chance to co -produce and facilitate a mini workshop for Healthy minds at the end of June.
It is in connection with the OPEN MINDS PROJECT. – that Raises Mental Health Awareness and helps to fight against reducing the stigma around Mental Health issues.
Please send me some positive vibes. 😀
I get the opportunity to help Healthy minds do a mini -workshop ,to help raise awareness around how parents can manage Depression and Anxiety, in a more holistic way. The other aim of the workshop is to also sign post people to organisations where they can access help.
I may share a very small part of how I personally handle my mental health as a parent.
I’ve got a meeting on the 27th June. The wedding will be over and I can get back to doing something that gives me a sense of purpose.
What a difference a day makes!
I’m so glad I used my care plan and my coping skills yesterday and pushed myself. I can 100% honestly say that when I came home I felt I had accomplished something. I paid the bills, I went to Asda, I popped in to see a friend. I had a chance to laugh and I got to spend time with my daughter ( in the U.K. it is half term holidays.) .
If I had shut myself down completely and said no which is what I initially did. I wouldn’t be feeling like I feel today.
I will post details of the workshop in a post as soon as possible.
24 hours ago – My mind state.
As you lose your youthful Strength,and your body acquires a “more lived in look”, meditate on your true self, your essential consciousness. Body consciousness has no place in your thoughts. You are old enough to know what really matters.” UNKNOWN.
You would this I had this one quote sussed already, right?
Yes, I look more mature these days, I’m getting married and I have a beautiful spirited child who gives me more joy than any drug or party or person ever did. I’m turning 35 in November.
As many people say: I have come so far.
I have cheated death more times than the luckiest of cats.
I’ve gone from a 5 stone , skeleton to a 10 stone toned person full of child hearted playfulness , a life, friends and love.
What comes after marriage?
YOU MUST COME OFF YOUR MEDICATION DAISY! IT IS ADDICTIVE AND YOU DON’T WANT TO CHANCE ANOTHER CHILD BEING BORN WITH WITHDRAWALS FROM PRESCRIBED MEDICATION DO YOU?
No. Of course I don’t. I was put on these meds to drug me into staying on bed rest.So, I didn’t burn off more calories when I was ill and severely Anorexic in 2005 . I also use them too hep me eat. Sometimes I still get anxious when I eat and after I have eaten.
One part of my eating disorder that hasn’t disappeared.
I do love food. A great anxiety reliever for me is exercising (in moderation).
I’ve been on these meds for over 10 years! Along with other medication.
I’ve spoken with my support of a reduction plan at my own pace. I am up for it because eventually we want to extend our family but today I have suddenly been struck with the blood of a lizard.
Pale and anxious.
How am I going to cope without this shit that keeps me okay?
G is an epic Dad. He deserves his hockey team. 😀 -(He is not getting a Hockey team)
I haven’t touched cigs since my Aunt died of Lung Cancer in February 2015 but I am still addicted to nicotine.
I E -VAPE.
I can go without alcohol . That is not an issue for me.
So on these terms and as I stand today, what kind of start would I be giving our child (if I can conceive) ?
It is not good enough.
I’m trying to get my career back.
Since I have been focusing on the wedding, I have stepped away from volunteering and I feel a great loss in my life.
Volunteering and training in various courses was my career and still will be until I can get FULL TIME work to pay the bills and maybe even take a holiday.
My previous pregnancy was a disaster because of the place I was in at that time.
I am utterly terrified of my body changing again, I’m afraid I won’t get an easy labour now I know how it all works and feels.
So do we wait a few years?
I’m less likely to conceive as each cycle goes by.
We want to move to better place. A place we will be happier.
There are no chances of any accidents.
I am responsible and have the Non hormonal IUD fitted in me.
There are so many quotes about trusting your heart and not your mind. I yearn for another child. I want the chance to be excited and be a life giver with a whole new outlook this time.
Time is working against me. I wouldn’t worry so much if I was in my 20’s.
I looked up 50 great reasons to get pregnant. There are some gems in there. I never felt my Bella Bee move as she was snuggled behind my placenta.
How shallow does this sound.
I want another girl.
I don’t know what is up with me. I should be happy I have a family already.
I am scared of having regrets too.
I am scared that I have a limited chance of conceiving again.
I am terrified of losing what I have (including control of my body)
I am angry that I worry about my body when the bigger picture is the miracle of life.
So I should know better.
I don’t want to go down the IVF route.
I’m not to posh to push ( gas and air will do)
I don’t even want to carry on with this post because I get so emotional.
I’ve never been great at planning. Impulse has always been my default mode.
THESE ARE ALL THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I HAD RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND YESTERDAY.
Today, I am not magically fixed.
I may look like I have my shit together and most days I do.
I am also a human being who has thoughts and emotions just like everybody else.
I just choose not to hide the fact that I have bad days.
Why should I?
I am not saying it is easy to shift Depression and Anxiety. It isn’t.
Finding Good coping skills and using them are the key to helping you manage yourself .
It takes time to find healthier coping skills.
New Coping Strategies take practice
Be kind to yourself.
Remember, whatever coping skills you are using now, you have probably used them for a long time.
It will take time to gain confidence in using other coping skills.
There is no time limit on change- it is constant.
Be easy on yourself but try and find the balance to challenge yourself too.
Know where to access help
Ask for help
Establish and use a support network .
Consider making a some kind of contingency plan like – WRAP