Strange Blood


Dad,

how do I  wish you a great day without addressing the past?

Memories are  usually a good place to start.

Let’s forget about the bad ones.

No room for improvement in a negative mind state.

You taught me how to fish.

That was cool because I actually caught a fish but I was not impressed when you threw him back into the ocean – he was too small to eat.

You taught me a valuable lesson:

Compassion and what is necessity.

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The night I was sat on the step, crying. Mom was going through a tough time. Nobody understood how ill she was and you sat next to me and begged me not to follow in my Mom footsteps. I would never live a life with joy.

I learnt that  enemies can want the same thing and can come from two completely different view points . Ma never wanted me to follow in her footsteps either.

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I remember the day I baked you a cake. You came over to Nan’s and you were sobbing. Great granddad was not well.

You taught me that there is a lot that goes inside a persons mind and just because they don’t express emotion all the time, it doesn’t mean they care any less.

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I remember trying to get to know each other in 1994. My holiday and first time back to South Africa in 6 years.

I sensed you were trying to talk . To break the ice. It is a pity my sister in her teens and  a little shit at the time and you had to act as the buffer.

I learnt that vulnerability doesn’t make you weak. I learned that jealousy is a wasted emotion. It makes us say ugly things.  I am only sad you didn’t try again to speak to me -one on one. 

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I remember on that same holiday we went on a safari. It was a treat and one the of the best days in of my life.

You taught me that you did indeed care about my happiness and you wanted to create happy memories.

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The truth is we are not close for so many reasons. I am so over blaming. It’s un productive and the truth is we do things that we think are the best for each moment we live. 

I understand this because I am a parent.

I know it is hard to instigate a conversation with some one you barely know.

I know you may have feelings about what you could or should have done differently. 

Let’s not get too hung up on what we could of done. 

Focus more on today and what we can do today.

Want to hear something funny?

I may not know you very well but I have kind of ended up getting married to a man whose birthday is two days apart from your own. I am actually marrying my Dad, in a crazy round a bout way.

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AWKWARDS!

Before I end this -I want to thank all those silly quizzes you do on Facebook. 

Who would think that I can learn so much about you based on a trivial quiz? 

We may not be close but if anything happened to you and I held you in my heart with resentment and bitterness, I would never forgive myself.

I do love you, Dad. 

There is some ethereal sense of commitment I have to you. I can’t give you up. I have tried but I won’t give up on you -ever.

I know my illness scares/ scared you. 

I am much more self aware these days. I don’t blame you , Dad. 

All I wish for is, to get to know you better. To sit down and have a chat, laugh and I want to look into your eyes and I want you to hug me and tell me you love me. 

I know you do but I want to feel you  see you and hear your voice. 

Have a great day , Dad -from the U.K. to S.A.

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HAPPY FATHERS DAY! 

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25 thoughts on “Strange Blood

  1. I love this…you are truly your own woman now. This is a post written by an irrepressible woman with masses of wisdom. What’s special is you can extract meaning from the emotion. It is meaning and wisdom that I’m sure a lot of people will be able to connect with nuggets of wisdom that they may never have arrived at themself without you writing this. With lots of love from your virtual bridesmaid 😊💖🙋

    Liked by 1 person

    • My Queen Bee. You truly know how to make a person feel special. You always champion what I write and it means so much to me. I just want you to know I think you are an incredibly empathetic person and I hope one day we will meet. You are a very special person indeed xxxx Much love

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have tears in my eyes reading this Natasha…thank you so much for what you’ve said 💖😘 Your writing touches me deeply. You’re one of my favourite writers, and I’m not just saying that to suck up. I mean it, and I never say things I don’t mean. Your authenticity is very appealing to me and it shines through in your writing. I was just reading your fab post about class and I feel I’ve learned a lot about you-it was very thought provoking too, and I value people with a past, whose past has made them irrepressible like you are, and I think how I am too. Athough our experiences have been different we are quite similar on a soul level. 😇 I think you’re totes amazing and I too would LOVE to meet. We live in the same country, we’re blogger kindreds, it’d be daft not to! Haha 😆😂 💜💖💙 Xxxxx Wedding countdown continues, eeeeekkkkkkkk! 😘🙋

        Liked by 1 person

      • Stop! we are both going to be in tears soon. After the wedding maybe… I think a Blog I follow is trying to get Bloggers to meet up in Manchester or Leeds. I will need to go through my emails because it was a while back when I got the email. Soul sisters forever xxx

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