Stay on top.


For she’s a jolly good fella… For she’s…. a she is 

not even a fella

She’s 83 today.

Big deal, right? 

 what is so special about her lying in a state care home in a periwinkle neglige?

She is someone I dread going to see -every single week.

I won’t stop going – even when every at every visit, I have  to  protect every orifice from catching the decay lingering in the air.  The food smells like an institution – a broth of flavoured purgatory.

This is not the final destination- I will take the unknown every time. 

Staring  death  in the face – eye to eye.

She fights with every breath.

‘Tu veux du jus?’ says, I  – mentally fumbling about for something to fill the time. I pour her a glass of watered down juice.

she grunts and moans in feral tones – I assume she means oui.

Usually, I am really comfortable  at free flowing . This doesn’t  flow  so well.  I’m in the thick of it. It’s a plot,alright. I’m standing too close to it to fill it with flowery words. but I have to get this out of my head.

My head shouts:

Move.

March.

Turn around.

Salute me.

Do something.

Stop.

walk.

 Over and over arrows laced with commands to make me revolt or dissolve. 

I’m  not so sure anymore.

I’ve got no other vices.

Thought about having a drink, taking more valium than I should but the outcome is always the same.

So, I sit here trying to process my thoughts. Align my feelings – they are like every kind of liquorice all sorts, except for the actual plain ones. The ones I look for when I want a taste of Life.

You don’t always get what you want. Well, you may have a winning  streak for a while but you don’t know where you are truly going to end up,do you?

Sure. we have goals – Do you know with  absolute certainty that no obstacle will come in the way and prevent that from happening?

Hey, Don’t stop the fight. We need more of you.

I’m not here to put you on a downer. 

Tripwire, I fall  into the firing line. A spray of bullets rains through me.  Visualise it on a time lapse sequence.  Don’t call me a hero . I am a coward. 

I see her fight.

83 years old.

She can’t  remember,

can’t  talk, 

she can’t  even walk. 

The rings she has been put through. It’s not evil it’s truly wicked. 

She is so divine if only I could make her all fine.

Skin flawless. A  wooden doll. so tiny.  She has so much fire.

 Burn in hell, Weak? they said.

 She had  it easy. (Life.) She didn’t for the fucking record.

 Stop the record, then  I can take the needle and jab any mother fucker in the eye, who dares to judge her with their hypocritical ,  artificial,over consumed  minds. 

It’s like like the song – easy like a Sunday morning.

We all get at least one of those days – some have a more fortunate hand.

When will this be over?

When is she going to die?

Another person, I love and could have done more for.

No , no

No regrets!   the   little sparrow  bursts out a melody enough to make me weep.

Here I am bawling – feverishly  knitting  a   blanket infused with Tsunami waves, suffocating myself, wallowing- staring at her – All I want to do is start hollering. 

If I do I know I will get collered.  One apprehension   is enough for one day.

I get to be alone with her.

She sucks up at least half a beaker of juice .

 I love   you ,gran’

Her eyes glisten – a meadow  dew-effect . We connected.

She knew I knew  she knew I knew. 

It’s that befuddling. 

I couldn’t hear the radio, I couldn’t see the lampshade glow.   All that energy directed me to focus on her mouth.  

Possessed,

 she came out with the most grateful and graceful ,

THANK YOU – I have ever heard.  English is not  even her native language,

to me – her  own  granddaughter.

Thanking me for giving her some juice. Seeing her an hour a week . It’s  all sluice.

Drink up your purified juice. Punishment does not lie.

I ran out of that place- discombobulated.

Sometimes, I feel nothing. Other times, I am a gibbering wreck but I always have to collect and that is why I am a respected member of   the poker face club.

I have my own Ma who needs me. My daughter.

I’ve made some crazy bets.

A lifetime of betting and I see only now, how important it is  that  I need to take care of myself.

There is a struggle – warfare -conflict within me .

Not thin enough to be hospitalised but thin enough to warrant concern. I still   get  appraising looks for this form I inhabit in now.

It awakens the Furies inside me. No, you need to accept me for who I am. Whatever  shape I transform into. 

I need you to . I need me to.

She is about 5 stone. She eats a lot – can’t put on weight. What a fucking paradox .

I restrict. I know I am putting on weight. I deliberately don’t do cardio exercise  anymore.

I do  walk a lot  -like them L.A. girls. Power walk  my way up   ‘panic attack  ‘hill and finally dwindle down into a corner. Shallow breathing.  It’s better than hyperventilating and heaving. 

Girth.

Something  to do with birth.

I have everything I need to get obliterated- fuck I could OD – I’ve always been the ultimate elusive escapist of life.

I had to talk to myself.

Me? Talking sense to myself.

So it was my Gran’s birthday today.

She is still clinging on to life. She is not hanging out with her fellow homies  in the lounge downstairs making cupcakes or doing puzzles – listening to Polly-the ultimate nutcracker, sitting in her favourite chair and swearing.  Put her hands down her pants to feel something. Nobody else cares.

I can’t swallow. These are not the most sprightly of places to visit.

How much longer has she got?

How much longer do we all got?

I wake up every morning to life- I stare  at innocence in the eyes – it’s reflected back to me in my daughter’s eyes.

Still,I  have moments when I contemplate dicing with my own life. gambling it , frittering it away.

To have this kind of raw ,exposed  insight. To know better – is self-flagellation.

To sit with a belly full of food and a head and heart full of thoughts and emotions

and wonder …

not wander.

I’ve done  that far too much.  

Escapology  trick 101 .

I wonder why I won’t accept my lot.

Am I the only one?

Really ?

I’m not convinced. I’m sceptical like that. 

I mean sure I’m special but c’mon……..

I have issues- being a narcissist is not one of them – unless I am having I look like shit – no one liked my selfie post today.

Then it’s all about me  mimicking others emotions to get what I want.

drifting…..  

 Thoughts.

I’m  not overly whimsical  with this post.

On a lighter note me and my husband ( bless him) we fucked so hard yesterday.

DING DONG!

We had  round two  because I wanted my pleasure.

So I fucked him good and proper. I role played, Gepetto, in retrospect.

I wasn’t bothered about his needs. For once.

It’s actually a kind of breakthrough for someone like me. 

My Nose is not growing.

I could say so much but I may embarrass him. Oh, hang on. I  do that all the time. That’s why he married me. I am truly one of a kind and so is he.

A perfect match. 

Ladies, you know how when you have been fucked ( I’m not talking about making love and  a bit of slap and tickle) I mean when you wake up  the morning after ?

Cliche phrase alert!

‘John Wayne’ has come out  as a woman. It’s all good but its  the after effects of pedalling on a bike, cards  t t ticking in  the wind, bells tinkering  the first time – all that bruising. 

 Serious bicycle abuse.

My  Man- is hurting today. I’m laughing. I’m evil.

Don’t worry he enjoyed it . He keeps making sure I don’t forget it. 😀 

Of course, I was on top.

My ride – my rules.

So I’m gonna leave it there – I think I’ve covered some pretty big themes.

Sex, Life, Death, Abuse.

 I’m done.

Feeling vulnerable now. Do you  mind if I put my  armour of skin  back on? 

If you made it this far – fucking well done.  Not patronising you. I promise. 

Not my usual style of writing. 

Life is short – make it sweet. Stay on top of the game  for as long as you can.

These are my words.

* Inspired by my Life, Dementia, thoughts*

Advertisements

30 thoughts on “Stay on top.

  1. Hi! Daisy. Well, first off – I want to say, intensely raw and powerfully striking message.
    You a champion. You are a warrior. I have never read anything like this in the style of writing that you put into it. I love everything about this writing style and the formatting is superb! 🙂

    You have my respects. This is incredible inspiring and the whole world should read you.

    I am back!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Charlie is back on the radar. How is the book promoting going? You always say such lovely things. I get all emotional. Only a poet could that to me 😀 😉 You have my respect. Your writing is sublime and totally inimitable. I would love to take a day trip in your mind. I don’t know how long I would last but it would be one hell of an adventure. Hope all is well ? I’m super busy these days. So if I am slow to catch up with blogs it is nothing personal 🙂

      Take care 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • The book promoting is going well. 🙂 I’ve sold enough books and I am satisfy with the book. 🙂

        Awww…your such a great and wonderful person. 🙂 I always respect our friendship and you are a blessing. 🙂

        Take your time. When you get a chance stop by and have a blast. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Excellent news. So happy for you. Already caught up with your latest. I’ve never ever come across someone that thinks and writes poetry like you do. It’s like the mutual appreciation society today – ha ha – I am sincere, my friend 🙂 Take care 🙂

        Like

  2. Hey Daisy, this was so raw and powerful and nothing about it shocked me. Not the dementia or the abuse or the sex … all topics that I may not write about but I’ve experienced in a real and shocking way. You have such a talent and this was just amazing writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Miriam. I am so glad you can relate. Well, not glad -of course, but it’s good to know that there are people out there who are receptive to reading about similar issues we may come across in our life and how we manage them. We are only human. It’s good to know that emotion – no matter how messed up – they seem to me or an individual experiencing these emotions -that it is normal and okay to have these emotions. If that makes sense? Thanks so much for reading and your comment is really uplifting. It makes smile and um.. yeah. I don’t know what to say.
      Have a great day. T Y again. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi friend.
    to receive an email copy of my 35th painting, you merits my friend…..you have to send email messages (alozadea@gmail.com) with: * Your name. * Your blog. * Your country. * Painting chosen number. ALOZADE

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s