Mr Willows takes over the willows


With my husband’s permission. I will let his words dominate this post. Not easy being Mr willows – just kidding. Slightly…..

No one said that life is easy, no one said that marriage or relationships are easy or perfect. 

It’s been hard for me to write about my feelings  on my blog lately,because of all the shenanigans going on in my life. It never stops, does it? 

There is a lot I want to say  before I pass over my blog to my other half. I talk and type  way to much for my liking.

We are all struggling and we are all working on our dreams. It’s easy to give up and I don’t know many people

-anyone -who has ever done this to show how much he respects and wants to know me and understand me .

I’m waffling. 

I will not hide that we have problems and we both fuck up.  I’m not proud of some of my actions or my behaviour. 

I do know that the man who is so different from me brings out the best in me and the worst. Mostly ther best. 

Usually, the men I’ve chosen  have brought out the worst in me. ( they got issues just like me.)

For the first time I can say I chose a good man and some guys have been proper knobheads to me.

I’m not making excuses for those men.

“You are wankers, no more making excuses for you. I hope you get what you deserve. I don’t know what you deserve. Karma is not something I have power over, or even wish to have. ” Daisy aka Natasha Bodley

 

I have a man who has shown me what is feels like to be loved,respected, cherished and who wants our happiness. 

Here is a man, who I get to call my husband.

I’m uber emotional. 

I didn’t know he was doing this. Our marriage has been crumbling  from the start tbh… (laughing, nervous laughter) 

I’m at a loss for words.

So this Mr Willows

 

Introduction

This is a rather difficult situation to talk about; my wife and I are at odds with each other, she suffers from a horrible illness call Anorexia, it is a controlling and manipulative entity. Anorexia has taken a lot from my wife and maybe even our marriage. Through researching this illness I have realised I will never know truly what my wife has to go through on a daily even hourly basis, So to truly understand what she suffers through I have decided to walk a mile in her shoes. I know that Anorexia is more than just restricting foods and liquids, but I aim to try to discover more. The last time I had anything to eat was two days ago (12th May 2017) and I will try to document both my physical and mental states through this journey of discovery. This may not be enough to save my marriage, but at least I will have a greater understanding.

15th May 2017

Weight: 89.7KG

10:15: It has been a struggle this morning, it is very hard not to eat when things are very automatic, the struggle with suppressing hunger takes a lot of energy and mental fortitude. My physical state is that my hands are shaking, and used caffeine as an appetite suppressant. This is my second day doing this and will try and document often when things change.

10:30: I have been aware that this illness is also about body fixation, I have been aware for some months that my inner legs chaff when I am warm; I am going to use this as a point of fixation because it genuinely makes me unhappy and uncomfortable.

11:00: Housework is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are it takes up time so you get to switch off the brain for a while and you are doing something so it takes up part of your day. On the flip side I know it is taking up valuable energy and that is going to leave me very weak in the days to come. I know it is going to be hard to hide my non eating but Anorexia is a selfish and manipulative illness. The coffee I had over an hour ago has hit me like a truck, I feel jittery and my heart is racing. I will be doing a small shop for some bits, this is going to be very different because I am no longer free to just pick up an impulse buy, I feel a little anxious about going to be far but I feel I can handle it.

20:07: The household shopping was hard when it came to doing the food part, my stomach ached so bad. I managed to force myself through it. I guess this is something my wife has to often, it takes so much energy to get through all you want to do is hide away and sleep off the hunger. It fails in comparison to having to cook for my daughter, it was hard not to pick at the food or fall in to what I have always done (cook a little extra for myself. I just want to see this through because I need to understand what my wife goes through on a daily basis. The fuzziness in my head feels very strange; I will stop if I see it going too far.

22:28: I understand why she chooses to binge on bread and cheese, right now, it is looking very tempting just to grab some bread and cheese and just go mad. I hope that I get better night’s sleep tonight   

16th May

11:34: I feel very shaky today almost hyperactive. Finding it very difficult to focus on one task when you have so much running through your head. I can see why this feeling is attractive because you get a big buzz when you complete a task, even if it is something you do regularly. I can see in my face that bags have become to form under my eyes and have a yellow tinge, I look a bit more washed out and drawn. I dare not weigh myself because of both fear of seeing the numbers change. I can’t believe how hard it is to battle with something so simple as standing on something, what I can understand even more now than ever what those numbers represent. I promise myself that this cant continue to long.

17th May

9:30: Yesterday afternoon I had a large hyperactive spurt, I was walking round the house very giddy and wanting to spin people around, this lasted for about a half hour, during this I was running up lists of all the things I can do with the business, being a success at finding work, been a good partner and farther.

So to conclude what I have discovered doing this is this, Anorexia has a lot to do with control and hating parts of yourself both physically and mentally. It takes a lot of energy to get through the day and do simple things. Managing moods has been very difficult, riding high can be very addictive and the slumps take so much away from you. The stress on the body is frightening and I have lead a very active life. Sleeping is valuable if your body and mind can rest, this is because I have found when you are asleep you are not thinking, it breaks up the day and it conserves energy, plus I suspect that when someone is in full anorexic mode they don’t have to worry about eating. To think about food is a pain, caffeine helps supress appetite, gives your mind and body something to do and the caffeine and sugar gives you something to get through the day. Being around food can kick off a lot of anxiety because all you want to do is eat, and you feel disgusted and ashamed of these feelings. It feels like you are in a constant battle with parts of mind and body. I am unhappy with the way my legs chafe when I get warm, when you become uncomfortable with how you feel, you become very fixated on that area, you notice every time you move, get dressed and when you look at yourself. Weight gain and weight loss play a key feature because upon weighing myself for the last time I had lost 0.02kgs, with how much effort it has taken, I can see this been very devastating to sufferers because the results do not match the effort that is put in, this will lead to a big drop in confidence and mood. In a final note, I have a newfound respect for people who suffer from this illness because it is a minute by minute, second by second battle with what can only be described as fighting an intruder in your own mind. I know I will never know the true extent of the illness but I have a better understanding of how I can better support, listen and what actions I can take.   

MASSIVE RESPECT FOR YOU, WE DO HAVE A STRONG CONNECTION ,AND SOMETIMES WE NEED TO REMIND EACH OTHER.

 

okay……..

I’m off.

Dealing with life 😀

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32 thoughts on “Mr Willows takes over the willows

  1. Oh Daisy! It’s been a while since our paths have crossed. I saw your comment on a fellow blogger’s post and decided to stop by and say hi. After reading this, I just want to give you the biggest hug! We all have our struggles and it’s so courageous of you to share yours like this. I’m sorry for the current state of affairs. May you find what you need to support you on your journey. It’s amazing the lengths your husband is going through to understand. No relationship is perfect because none of us are perfect. That being said, I do hope that you are both able to find the support and tools you need to move forward. There’s so much I’m leaving unsaid but if you want to continue this conversation, please feel free to email me (niki@nikimeadows.com). Sending you lots of love ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Niki! It has been a long time. Thank you so much for supportive words. I hope all is well with you ? Indeed we all do. I’m glad you picked up on that. It was my reason for publishing it. I want people to realise there is no perfect relationship and we do what works for us. I’m actually doing loads better. Put on weight and I have less stress so it’s a good thing. My focus in for the next couple of months is getting out and about, sunshine; road trips, music, family, good company and great experiences. Thank you so much for your email address. You are an absolute treasure. Biiig loves back xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better! Good for you! It sounds like you have a very healthy attitude and action plan going forward. The sunshine and company sound like wonderful ways to support you! Wishing you lots of sunshine to keep you warm and brighten your day, lots of love to fill you from within, and lots of peace to fuel you through each day. 💖💖💖💖💖

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  2. @ Daisy: I think the toughest task in life is to be kind to yourself. The whole world can tell you, you are worth it, that love is your birthright, as loving yourself is too…well, that is easier said then done 😉 I ‘follow’ you for quite a while know and you are a Beautiful Soul. Big hug and XxX
    @Mr.Willow: thank you for being so vulnerable and not only show your lovely wife you care, but also us readers. XxX

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You have a remarkable and understanding husband, Daisy. Be strong and you will both get through these difficult times. Think of what you are going through as building a stronger relationship rather than tearing it down. Hugs to both of you. 🎵

    Liked by 1 person

  4. He is a gem! And reading his records, I feel I have a better understanding of this illness from the perspective. He is so consistent about his commitment to understand you. I have to learn from this man

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Daisy, I pray that you two can get through this. He’s trying to understand what you’re going through. You are beautiful and I just want you to know that. Please work together and lean on him. His love for you is oozing throughout his words.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Brooke! Yes, love is constantly taking me off my guard. I have a suspicious nature but Gaz is the one person who has lowered my gaurd it is sometimes scary to know I’ve let him see so much. I’m an person and tell people whatever is on my mind but it’s very rare I allow a person near my heart and into the workings of my mind. I have a lot of respect for him because I’m not an easy person to love. I’m am worth the risk 😁😁. When I love – it is fiercely and passionately. We will xx ha ha

      Liked by 1 person

  6. We’ve been through a lot. Thanks babs. I will back on here more in the summer. He is a remarkable man. He sets the bar for how all genders should be when it comes to relationships in my humble opinion. I’ve made sure he is eating again. I don’t want him to go through that. My family and a couple of mates are the ones who drive me to be me. I found my match 😙😚.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Phew! You certainly have a most remarkable husband……Hopefully, you will both grow in your relationship as you regain some semblance of balance in your health….. Hugs! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. i am in tears for
    you then
    dear tasha
    me i m have voracious appetites
    i like to eat
    but lately something is making
    my insides seep out
    creep out
    old age
    i am shit
    literally
    my son and i
    do not like one another
    he yells
    most vile
    words
    our poor
    dog
    caught in the middle
    for you and your man
    good
    live
    love
    forgive
    please
    please
    nourish
    your body and soul
    tasher
    take good
    care
    thanks for sharing
    all the good and the
    bad
    and times you had
    and the best
    is yet to come
    jack bruce breath!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I also love to eat. Don’t be sad…. I’m posted this to show that no ones’s relationships are perfect.
      We all have out strengths and our weaknesses. I have a lot of love and support and I do what I need to do to work, study and stay on top of things.
      I’m mostly a happy person – ha ha! bless ya.

      Liked by 1 person

      • well tom will not accept who i am
        that i am a mess
        and dumb
        all too often
        and he is an ass
        but he went
        with his mommy
        today thank god
        going to turn my mind
        off to daytime
        american baseball!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Just carry on being you. People who run away from things and peopkewho that don’t conform to the norm are not worth the energy. You are not dumb. If people don’t want to take the time to get to know you, John. Fuck them. Always write and speak the words that are true to your heart and mind and you won’t stray far into a place beyond return. Make sure you get rid of people who don’t make u feel relevant

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      • oh i do but tom is my son and well today he was like i m going to call the cops. and i thought good they can take one of us away. such a life!

        Like

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