It’s been a while since I’ve done a non poetry /stream of consciousness post.
There’s been a shit load going on in the Willows, and every time I think I need to put my thoughts in a post-,life crops up. haha! Life, damn you!
Since June 2016 ,I’ve felt all the positive vibes I usually throw out to the right people shrivel up into dead petals.
The fragrance of mustard gas toxins in my mind and body have knocked me out. I’ve tumbled into a fitful slumber – ignorant to the natural effects of the buzz of Life.
I’ve become ashamed.
Ashamed because I was finally in the best place I’ve ever been in my life.
And I decided to self sabotage.
Here is the weird logic.
Sometimes, when I feel like creeping back into my comfort zone, I retreat from all the people who treat me with respect , encourage me to carry on being creative and love me , give me chances to rise and make a difference in my own life and possibly in others. I become a scorpion in defence and attempt to sting myself to death.
It’s a primitive response – commanded by his most rational Amygdala.
No chance I’m going to let anyone else crush me. Haha! I will do it myself at my own hands or tail… even.
Suspicious mind sets in.
The thing is my self destructive tail shrank while I was living life allowing myself to be confident, taking compliments, getting ahead , climbing the arduous trek uphill, and finally relishing the view on top of my own mountain .
I had already started the process of adaptation, in response , to the good fortune I’d made in my life.
Let my guard down.
In fear of being who I have always wanted to be, I fleed with my stumped tail, roamed the desert and searched for a medley of creatures and elements to crush me.
I know this sounds abstract.
I recently went to an open mic night for people in recovery from various addictions, and one girl came up on stage and performed a piece about her strange and unusual relationships with toxic people.
It’s almost like a buzzword. I hear this phrase everywhere’
‘don’t let toxic people into your life‘
I do get it.
I understand that I don’t need to be on drugs, or overdosing or starving myself to hurt myself.
sometimes, when I feel self destructive, I seek out people who I think need saving or who can help me escape me or they seek me out. It’s not something I’m aware of until it’s too late.
These people are attracted to me like gravity. Vice versa.
These people become a drug.
There is an allure, a peculiar drive to chase after them. Hang onto every kind word spoken , every sweet gesture.
Then when they wake from a spell of disallusion- or they feel they have been stirred in the wrong direction,or an ingredient they needed to feel good about their current situation is added too lightly or heavy handedly; They turn on those they see as weak and prepared to put up with their bullshit.
I liken this behaviour to a rather lethal bad batch of substances or hootch .
I refuse to walk away, I guzzle up swigs of insults and snort up the all the flaws that make up my chemistry.
Eventually, they take all their own self loathing, regret, frustrations and issues and dump it on me.
There is strength and vulnerability in me. I’ve never wanted to build a wall around who I am.
I may do shitty things and its no excuse when I say,
I’m always upfront about it.
I always let the people in my life know what’s going on.
Where I am at.
I tend to do this with people I have just met too. I’ve hid myself for so long. If people can’t get me from the start, then I’d rather know sooner than waste precious time.
It’s not an excuse to do shitty things to other people.
I choose to tell people what I’ve done/doing. Good and bad.
I confess, I usually have a lot to lose -most of the time.
I’m blessed to have a small circle of family and friends who are ready to take my hand and help me out of the jungle.
Help me leave the ones who are in the thick of it ,simulated and hanging out with familiar, estranged animals. They are trying to survive.
It’s hard to take a knock. It’s facile to blame others for your setbacks. I’ve done that in my life over and over.
It’s only when I decided to make a conscious choice to make peace with my past, and take responsibility for what I do now, have I been able to bounce back quicker from life’s trials and moments of fuckery.
It’s obvious, right?
Blaming others for how you feel is hardly going to solve your problem ,is it?
I’m full of passion, empathy and I can be blunt,I do speak my mind and I can be a soft touch.
Disastrous in the wrong hands.
It becomes difficult to keep my mouth shut and not turn the remnants of my poisonous tail on those who hurt me.
Passion floods through my veins. Bubbles over.I retaliate especially after seeing someone else’s imperfect life. After listening to their feelings and ideas and dreams. Reaching out and saying, ‘ I’ll be there for you’ .
These people usually say: I didn’t ask for your help – ( it doesn’t stop them from taking it when it suits them)
It’s hard not to retaliate when family, friends or an acquaintance who I’ve trusted to divulge so much about myself, in things I trust they won’t use against me, because of our common acknowledgement that we listen, don’t judge and empathise.
I retaliate at hypocrisy and denial.
I retaliate when a person uses ammo to hurt me and then cries in a murky pond of self pity at what a scoundrel I am!
when I give it back to them- in their language. People dont like being spoken back to in fluent asshole. It’s usually my last resort.
It takes courage and stupity to allow another to hurl a barrage of abuse at you. This can be subtle- only you know it is abuse because of what it does to your mind and emotions.
To have someone not understand how or why or even care, that they are poking my underbelly;
To try and reason with a person who can only see how hurt they are – how what has been said to them is far worse than what they have said, is frustrating.
Bashing heads together-over and over. It becomes consuming and frustrating. I just want to record what we have already gone over, press play.
Stuck in a loop. Trying to move forward.
Wait, I need you.
Welcome to radio station FM mixed signal.
In my experience, I’ve met many people who are going through their own shit storm,and instead of looking to fix themselves they will throw sticks at another’s issues.
Some do try and fix themselves but are surrounded by other toxic people who hold them back. Their dreams and goals become more obscure and more difficult to make out.
The other ones caught up in the spiral of habitual self abuse can’t help but bring others down with them.
Why do I feed into these wonderful people who are full of heart and pointed edges? I can see they are clearly awash with troubles.
Why cant I leave them alone?
the nature of addiction is compulsive and obsessive.
It’s agonising to know the psychology of toxic people and know what they are doing, feel immoblised and, desperately hanging on to my sense of self. The voice that usually stand ups and says
I won’t take this. I know who I am.
is replaced by a mouth stitched up in apathy.
A shell of myself holding tightly onto hope.
Its not the person its their behaviour.
Hard to swallow until my passion and sense of justice regurgitates all their abuse, the cold words, the push and pull effect.
It’s hard not to expect people to be on your level- it is worth training your mind and heart to expect little from people.
Especially the people who let their guard down.
Am I the only one who can be around certain people and not feel self conscious?
Not doubt my intelligence, ability, my ideas and my very being?
I’m not left questioning If I am worthy.
there are the people in full bkoen toxic mode, who will take all the positive energy from you ,and then discard you. It’s because they are highly absorbed in their own life of misery. They know deep down they are better than their current situation. The anger is a reflection of the weaknesses same weaknesses they see in those they use.
don’t hate these people.
Most toxic people have good hearts, and when in a good place (if ever) have a lot of love and time to give to others.
By all means walk away from them, let them push you away.
Yes, sometimes we have to be pushed.
Sometimes, we have to put aside the good we can see in them, and realise that they can only help themselves.
I know all this because I have been toxic.
I’ve done all these things.
We can all be toxic. Always take time to refocus and reflect.
All experiences can help build on your character and teach you important lessons about yourself.
We are all works in progress.