Trigger fish out of water syndrome


It’s been a while since I’ve done a non poetry /stream of consciousness post.

There’s been a shit load going on in the Willows, and every time I think I need to put my thoughts in a post-,life crops up. haha!  Life, damn you!

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Since June  2016 ,I’ve  felt all the positive vibes I usually throw out to the right people shrivel up  into  dead  petals.

The fragrance  of mustard gas  toxins in my mind and body have knocked me out. I’ve tumbled  into a fitful slumber – ignorant to the   natural  effects of the  buzz of Life.

I’ve  become ashamed.

Ashamed because I was finally in the best place I’ve ever been in my life.

And I decided to self sabotage.

Here is the weird logic.

Sometimes, when I feel like creeping back into my comfort zone, I retreat from all the people who  treat me with respect , encourage me to carry on being creative and love me , give me chances to rise and  make a difference in my own life and possibly in others. I become a scorpion in defence and attempt to  sting myself to death.

It’s a primitive response – commanded by his most rational Amygdala.

No chance I’m going to let anyone else crush me. Haha! I will do it myself at my own hands or tail… even.   

Suspicious mind sets in.

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The thing is my self destructive tail  shrank while I was living life allowing myself to be confident, taking compliments, getting ahead ,  climbing the arduous trek uphill, and finally relishing the view  on top of my own mountain .

I  had already  started the process of  adaptation, in response , to the good fortune I’d made in my life.

Let my guard down.

In fear of being who I have always wanted to be, I fleed with my stumped tail,  roamed the desert and searched  for a medley  of creatures and elements to crush me.

I know this sounds abstract.

I recently went to an open mic night for people in recovery from various addictions, and one girl  came up on stage  and performed a piece about her strange and unusual relationships with toxic people.

It’s almost like a  buzzword. I hear this phrase everywhere’

‘don’t let toxic people into your life

I do get it.

I understand  that I don’t need to be on drugs, or overdosing or starving myself to hurt myself.

sometimes, when I feel self destructive, I seek out people who I think need saving or who can help me escape me or they seek me out. It’s not something I’m aware of until it’s too late.

These people are attracted to me like gravity. Vice versa.

These people become a drug.

There is an allure, a peculiar drive to chase after them. Hang onto every kind word spoken , every sweet gesture.

Then when  they wake from a spell of disallusion- or they feel they have been stirred in the wrong direction,or  an ingredient they needed to feel good about their current situation is added too lightly or heavy handedly; They turn on those they see as weak and prepared to put up with their bullshit.

I liken this behaviour to a rather lethal bad batch of substances or hootch .

I  refuse to walk away,  I guzzle up swigs of insults and snort up the  all the flaws that make up my chemistry.

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Eventually, they take all their own self loathing, regret, frustrations  and issues and dump it on me.

There is strength and vulnerability in me. I’ve never wanted to build a wall around who I am.

I’m transparent.

I may do shitty things and its no excuse when I say,

I’m always upfront about it.

I always let the people in my life know what’s going on.

Where I am at.

I  tend to do this with people I have just met too. I’ve hid myself for so long. If people can’t get me from the start, then I’d rather know sooner than waste precious time.

It’s not an excuse to do shitty things to other people.

I choose to tell people what I’ve done/doing. Good and bad.

I confess, I usually  have a lot to lose -most of the time.

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 I’m blessed to have a small circle of  family and friends who are  ready to take my hand and help me out of the jungle.

Help me leave the ones who are in the thick of it ,simulated  and hanging out with  familiar,  estranged  animals. They are trying to survive.

It’s hard to take a knock. It’s facile to blame others for your setbacks. I’ve done that in my life over and over.

Many times.

It’s only when I decided to make a conscious choice to make peace with my past, and take responsibility for what I do now, have I been able to bounce back quicker from life’s trials and moments of fuckery.

It’s obvious, right?

 Blaming others for how you feel is hardly going to solve your problem ,is it?

I’m full of passion, empathy  and I can be blunt,I do speak my mind  and  I can be a soft touch.

Disastrous in the wrong hands.

It becomes difficult to keep my mouth shut and not  turn the remnants of my poisonous tail  on those who hurt me.

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Passion floods through my veins. Bubbles over.I retaliate  especially after seeing someone else’s  imperfect life. After listening to their feelings and ideas and dreams. Reaching out and saying, ‘ I’ll be there for you’ .

These people usually say: I didn’t ask for your help – ( it doesn’t stop them from taking it when it suits them)

It’s hard not to retaliate when family, friends or an acquaintance who  I’ve trusted to divulge so much about myself, in things I trust they won’t use against me, because of our common acknowledgement that we listen, don’t judge and empathise.

I retaliate at hypocrisy and denial.

I retaliate  when a person uses ammo to hurt me and then cries in a murky pond of self pity  at what a scoundrel I am! 

 when I give it back to them- in their language. People dont like being spoken back to  in fluent asshole. It’s usually my last resort.

It takes courage and stupity  to allow another to  hurl a  barrage of abuse at you. This can be subtle- only you know it is abuse because of what it does to your mind and emotions.

To have  someone  not understand how or why or  even care, that  they are poking my underbelly;

To try and  reason with a person who can only see how hurt they are – how what has been said  to them is far worse than what they have said, is frustrating.

Bashing heads  together-over and over. It becomes consuming and frustrating. I just want to record what we have already gone over, press play.

Stuck in a loop. Trying to move forward.

Attack!

Go away. 

Wait, I need you.

Welcome to radio station FM  mixed signal.

In my experience, I’ve met many people who are going through their own shit storm,and instead of looking to fix themselves they will  throw sticks at another’s issues.

Some do try and fix themselves but are surrounded by other toxic people who hold them back.  Their dreams and goals become more obscure and more difficult to make out.

The  other ones caught up in the spiral of habitual self abuse can’t help but bring others down with them.

So,

Why do I feed into these wonderful people who are full of heart  and pointed edges?  I can see they  are clearly awash with troubles.

Why cant I leave them alone?

 the nature of addiction is  compulsive and obsessive.

It’s agonising to know the psychology of toxic people and know what they are doing, feel immoblised and, desperately hanging on to my sense of self. The voice that usually stand ups and says

I won’t take this. I know who I am. 

is replaced by a mouth stitched up in apathy.

A shell of myself holding tightly onto hope.

Its not the person its their behaviour.

Hard to swallow until my passion and sense of justice regurgitates all their abuse, the cold words, the push and pull effect.

It’s hard not to expect people to be on your level- it is worth training your mind and heart to expect little from people.

Especially the people who let their guard down.

Am I the only one who can be around certain people and not feel self conscious?

 Not doubt  my intelligence, ability, my ideas and my very being?

I’m not left questioning  If I am worthy.

Then,

there are the people in full bkoen toxic mode, who will take all the positive energy from you ,and then discard you. It’s because they are   highly  absorbed  in their own life of misery. They know deep down they are better than their current situation. The anger is a reflection of the weaknesses same weaknesses they see in those they use.

 I say:

 don’t hate these people.

Most toxic people have good hearts, and when in a good place (if ever) have a lot of love and time to give to others.

By all means walk away from them, let them push you away.

Yes, sometimes we have to be pushed.

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Sometimes, we have to put aside the good we can see in them, and realise that they can only help themselves.

I know all this because I have been toxic.

I’ve done all these things.

We can all be toxic.  Always take time to refocus and reflect.

All experiences can help build on your character and teach you important lessons about yourself.

We are all works in progress.

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28 thoughts on “Trigger fish out of water syndrome

  1. Good to see you girl. I knew that you were taking some time off. Indeed life does happen and loads of times not the way we want them. I know that those times I’ve found myself in the self-destructive toxic mode, I didn’t like myself very much even when it seemed I couldn’t dig myself out of the funk to save my life, but I’ve learnt to cut myself some slack during such times and step back to exhale. Quite an introspection you’ve got here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You really got what I was trying to get across in this post. I’m so glad you can relate. Yes, I’m back. Dipping in and out. I’ve missed you and many friends on WordPress. It seems you are even more busy. How can you do more than you do already? 😊 it’s good to see you on Instagram too. It is so true what you say about cutting some slack and taking a moment to pause and reflect. πŸ˜‰

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  2. You nailed it with this. Toxic people have no place in my life and usually, end up tripping over their own shoelaces. Unfortunately, these playground bullies don’t play fair and it takes time to shake them off.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for reading. An interesting metaphor. Considering they don’t know when they have actually fallen. When in toxic mode we expect people to always come back to us no matter what we do. It can be a hard cycle to break but there is so much relief and energy and passion to be gained. Sometimes it is scary to believe we deserve to be treated well . We forget. Anyway here’s to the people who cheer us to go for our dreams knowing our faults and qualities. 😘 😊

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  3. hi daisy, long time no see! i’m so happy your still blogging! i think we all do it to some degree, self sabbotage and end up with toxic people in our lives! your recognising it tho which is good. sending you many hugs! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I loved this insight into your mind. You make sense to me because you explain it all so well. I’m sorry you feel rubbish. Relationships and friendships cause me lots of heartache, in phases of drama, then when I decide to step away from the drama (the people) I feel better again. I love your complexity and your scorpion-ness doesn’t put me off as I’m a scorpion sometimes too πŸ˜› Love ya Xxx

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    • 😘 I don’t feel rubbish, babes. I did and now i feel free. I do get sick of some people trying to tell me what is right and what I should be doing with my life when they have not got their shit together but it’s best to just shrug it off. Sometimes the most toxic people are our family . You may relate. πŸ˜‰ you are a bad ass! BSM4EVA. Will text ya. Just had a bit going on with Isabella. Putting all my attention on her. She needs me xx chat soon babes xx

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  5. Sounds so familiar…my mother died and I picked up the hammer to continue bashing myself in the head. The ex-husband died and I heard myself tell people I’m stupid (not once, many times) in order to continue on the familiar path. I guess I want to say that I thoroughly understand and the positive thought is that perhaps we’ll never completely recover, but as long as we understand the reality of our situation, and try to haul ourselves out of the sh*t pile, well, it’s a move in the right direction: up and out. Would be perfect if we could never slip back but, at least in my experience, I do. That’s when I’m grateful for the self-reflection, music and writing and the few who care enough to believe that we’ll come through this. We will ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah Clarissa. You have such courage and so much insight. Yes, setbacks seem inevitable. Some people hide theirs better than others. 😊 music and writing gives me great comfort. Yes, there are those who care and we must not worry about giving our time and energy to others who don’t appreciate or understand. Big hearts. X is this recent? Your mother’s death? I don’t remember us chatting about her in our previous conversations. If so I am sorry for your loss. I can tell from your comment your loyalty and care toward her even if you felt conflicted. It takes great courage and strength to live in your path. You have had setbacks but look at all you have done with your emotions, ancestry and creativity. A true inspiration, my friend xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Loving Hugs……Loads of them….
    I just LOVE the end of this post:
    “All experiences can help build on your character and teach you important lessons about yourself.
    We are all works in progress.”
    πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

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