Category Archives: Beliefs

Things I believe in and don’t. I’ve always been fascinated with religion and faith without wanting to commit myself to anyone faith. I nearly decided to finish my degree learning about the religions of the world but I can do it now. With all the chaos going in the world – we are more divided than ever. I want to go back as far as I can go to time and research everything to do with beliefs, faith and religion. I do keep a sense of humour and make the post as light-hearted as possible. This is not solely constricted to religious or spiritual beliefs.

I

Don’t let life keep you bitter

Don’t let life, and how other people treat you let you become bitter. Don’t expect people who keep the same company to be on the same level as you. Be a good person.

Remain honest, full of heart and genuine

You do not owe anything to anyone who chooses to disrespect you or your values.

Remember – we all have our own way of coming to a conclusive thought or opinion. We are human and we feel and it’s okay to talk about our feelings and thoughts.

People are influenced by the company they keep (an observation).

Protect yourself, keep yourself safe -especially when you are a person who has a lot of empathy ,and time for others.

Let other people talk, critique, gossip about you. It doesn’t matter what people do or don’t say who aren’t in your life.

Remember who you are.

We learn everyday of our life.

Stay around people who ask how you are, who care, who stick up for you. Forget about those who don’t.

Give people the benefit of the doubt but don’t ever allow anyone to disrespect you or bring you down.Or make you feel that your values are being disregarded.

Don’t hate. Let people find their own path.

Lessons I’ve learned lately. Opinion is not always the truth. I can’t be responsible for what a person understands.

Copyrighted Natasha bodley

I wish this was fiction -Pro choicer

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Exactly! not so much religion but more your beliefs about pro-life.FYI
All of us in this debate are pro-life. You don’t have to be religious to respect and be Pro-life.

I have a lot of anger towards the hypocritical B/S sludge techniques that some Pro-lifers use to prevent Abortions from going ahead legally ( safely and hygienically).

They use religion & guilt & even shame and protesting to bully women into carrying the fetus to full term.

This is ignorant & these are debauched tactics using  -mind games /Emotional blackmail.

Why?

One simplistic example?

A pregnant woman may find she bonds with this unborn life and is conflicted about her reasons to abort & then it gets to the 24 weeks cut off date that the law states is ethical. If a mother or another person causes the death of her unborn child it is classed as murder in the U.K.

Women around the world who can’t have a legal abortion are often forced to have back street abortions.

Here is a loose retelling of a friends experience having a back street abortion.

Her partner was highly abusive. He beat her with abuse, words to have an Abortion at 25 years old. She was not given an anaesthetic & the person she paid did the abortion with a coat hanger.

It’s B/S that MOST women who have/had an abortion use or do it as a contraceptive prevention tool.

My body is mine as is all other women’s bodies are theirs. Men have ownership of their bodies. The body can be used as a vessel for life to grow in it.

It’s an incubator.

If I don’t want (for whatever reasons) a host to feed off my body zapping me of minerals, iron etc & (sounds crude) that is my choice. My body.

9 months is the average period to carry a life/ unborn life/developing life/ host to full gestation That’s 9 months of my time not anybody else.

Pro-choice is pro-life.

Pro-choice looks at multiple & complex factors in deciding to terminate the growth of a fetus -full-term baby. I don’t want a baby is a good enough reason.

Pro-lifers I ask: why don’t you adopt the orphans – all of them. Take financial responsibility, take emotional responsibility.

A possible Pro-life answer :

It’s the mother who has that responsibility. God will provide. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. You will end up in hell if you do.

I  had an abortion at 24 weeks – I am a living person.  He would have been called Nicholas. Medical professionals advised me of the risks involved. Largactil – a medication that I was taking at that time would result in the unborn child being severely physically & mentally disabled. Risk chance probability – Over 70%

I couldn’t justify having a child who I knew could possibly live a quality of life that would merely be existing not living.

I’ve lived that kind of life.

 

Could I manage? Mentally, physically, financially, emotionally.

Eventually, I agreed with the doctors and had the Abortion in a private clinic in London.

Of course, I grieved. It was one of the shittiest moments of my life. I couldn’t take back life. I made a choice & I had to move on and make the best of my life.

I digress,

I abused alcohol, I was with a very violent & manipulative man. I should have been more responsible & used a condom. I was naive as after my abortion

How many of you who have sex use a condom all the time? A round of applause for all those who are 100% safe all the time. ( I am on a non-hormonal coil to that does the least amount of harm to the reproductory system  I bled for  10 days & tried to find comfort in my now ex, I got drunk, cried about what I had done and we had sex. That’s how it went.

I was naive when I found out I was pregnant the first time because I had thought I couldn’t fall pregnant.

I had amenorrhea ( no menstrual periods)for over 15 years of my life due to 1 diagnosis of Chronic ( something that doesn’t go away) Anorexic I wasn’t ready to put on weight when I found out. My ex was ecstatic.

His words: I’ve known for weeks. Your breasts have swelled up.

At this point, I  spent most of my time at his house. I stopped seeing my family and friends.  (paid 3 months advance on my own rent in my own home).

I was grieving & started drinking to c ope.I  was finishing my undergraduates’ degree & had a tutor who was bang out of order & a bitch towards me. I had a performance to do for one of my modules & I refused to fail. I have seen pictures of what I looked like at the time. I wanted to get a good mark. I wanted to be with my colleagues and enjoy the experience.

I had been confined to my bedroom. Against my will, He handcuffed to my bed drifting in various states semi-consciousness, unconsciousness after taking a  substantial medication & alcohol overdose. This person decided to play “God” with my life for 5 days. He didn’t call an ambulance because he was trained in 1st aid (that is what he put in his statement). It doesn’t make him a Doctor.

(2 weeks after my abortion)

I returned to college with a black eye to the final piece for summer 2010. Everyone on my course was stressed in rehearsals & had their own lives to deal with. I had cut them off & turned their back on me. I covered up my black eye with a mask when I took part in our live art installation.

I remember a tutor  ( same age as me) looked at me and she said ‘Man up’ to me. Why? BITCH.

She had paperwork and deadlines to do. …Idk maybe that is why.

Morally bankrupt and highly ignorant.

She used to patronize me & belittle me.

Now she is a mother herself so she is a Mother bitch.

I’m sure she is a great mother. I don’t care.

I was dealing with my own mental health issues, I was trying to get away from a HIGH-RISK violent relationship. I fell pregnant a week later with Isabella. I had stopped the medication that was toxic to a growing baby. That is the truth.

I didn’t leave his house, I struggled to get to college or out of the house because as I had started nightly binge eating sessions, the depressive part of Bipolar the feelings & thoughts that go with overeating and self-loathing meant that I escaped by sleeping my life away. Severely Depressed. Then I would have panic attacks and look for a way to escape from myself. I took many overdoses, cut my wrists, drinking.

I started to have blackouts when we started arguing .Especially when it turned physical/sexually abusive. It was like a switch went off in my brain and I used to have serious blackouts that continued right into the early stages of my relationship with my now-husband.

Due to childhood abuse and other male and female abuse I learned to disassociate to cope with all the trauma because my mind can only process so much. It’s very common.

It’s something that started from a young age (self-preservation).

The blackouts happened when I had been drinking & mixing it with benzodiazepines (prescribed).

Some people have said that I was confrontational or violent even. How and it was my ALL my fault said certain men who were emotionally or physically /sexually abusive to me.IA pattern for the people I attracted to my Life emerged.

I think that many the people who put me down are full of self-hatred and complexes. It doesn’t justify them with an excuse.

It highlights how many people I’ve come across in my life  (my hand is up too) who have their own self-image, emotional issues. And when feeling vulnerable or see a trait that they don’t like about themselves in someone else sometimes deflect how they feel about themselves & put it on another person. Psychology 101.

When I was dating my now-husband, he would recount events when I blacked out. What I had done. We analysed it. We would discuss at length of what I had done, what I remembered.

 I was able to get a different perspective of where I saw myself to blame along with what was not mine to own. It helped me to put things in context. How much of what was said about me (to me) was distorted?

In my experiences, it’s harder to look at ourselves rationally when we are hurting. It is can seem easier to blame another person for a fall out/ violence/ abuse.

I slowly came to realise I wasn’t to blame for every situation that happened or when I was confrontational with my words or reacted to what people said. My biggest mistake was to let a person disrespect me and still expect them to respect me.

I became more aware of certain  triggers to my behaviour and attitude. Some of it was my shit to own & the rest was abusive.

Whether it was a valid trigger from another person’s actions/words. Or whether it was my subjective/automatic reaction to (perhaps) misinterpreting someone’s words, reactions or facial expressions.

I believed that I couldn’t use my memory as reliable evidence. I believed what he was telling me. I have done this with many people in my life due to self-doubt.

 I fought (along with my true fam beside me) social services /the ex and the court jesters for 16 months. We didn’t stop until our daughter was living not just in her home but with me being her sole carer -legally. I had the experience of addressing the judge myself. Social services, and lawyers, Appointed children Guardians were instructed to sit at the back of the courtroom.

My legal team thought/hoped  I was more than capable of requesting for the shared responsibility cared order to be revoked. It’s a big achievement considering they had her up for twin tracking ( from 12 weeks old)

Twin tracking is looking at other alternatives for my daughter’s life and adoption/twin Tracking whilst the case was still live was ratified when my daughter wasn’t even 3 months old.

I  didn’t feel I could express emotion in the meeting room. There were at least 10 people involved not including from my support system because it could be used against me in court to prove I was unable to care for my child. They wanted to throw a textbook at me & tick all the boxes.  The Social service system is flawed, underfinanced, open to corruption and abuse happens in the care/foster system too

I have parental responsibility for Isabella -legally. The ex didn’t want to see her. He had contact workers picking my daughter up /dropping her back off from his house. Not a lot of Dads get that choice. One day he sent her back refused to have her in his home.

It happens to mothers every day.

I stopped having blackouts. Life was more positive. I was hiting my goals. I was happy.  I became better.

Another  blackout happened in April 2017 when an ex-friend punched me. I wish I could This led to me being assaulted by a load of yobs who thought it was justified to beat up a woman who asked then insisted that they stop recording me being punched by ex-friend. I have a broken nose from that experience.

This ex-friend can’t understand why I won’t speak to him. I allowed him to disrespect me over and over again. He thinks it is a minor tiff. I have defended myself or tried to when ex-friend assaulted me (many times) I allowed the abuse to happen cos I would accept his apologies Its in the past.

I’m lucky and deserve to be with a true Alpha- my husband. He has never put me down nor has he belittled me. Intentionally? Never. He hasn’t ever raised a hand to me though has been close to it. I am not easy going especially when I’m ill and (I don’t agree with violence) I am saying that if there is one person out of all the others who’VE  disrespected me( & tried to take away my inner fire ) Gaz would be the only person I can truly state might have been “justified” being violent to me.

He isn’t and he wasn’t.

I will gladly have another child or children when we decide and if nature gives the green light.

PRO-CHOICE is PRO-LIFE. Look at how we treat children. This image prompted a lot of words. Haha!

What a character!

Ladies and Men, Do you want to really waste most (cross out) all of your life chasing an idea of what you think is the perfect weight and way to look?

Do you know that some dreams can turn into nightmares?

Some dreams are best left in the subconscious-don’t fuck with your health. Mental & physical -(be) ‘cos honestly, those increasing digits (age, scales, money, lack of money; the  Obsessive compulsion to want “control” over your world  (think Pinky & the Brain) is impossible.

There is something better than perfection… The miracle /creation of life.

 WOW! Fuck Area 51-Alien life. Appreciate human life. The earthlings who still exist on earth, and who keep the ecosystem in balance while we look at what to eat, wear, fuck, do, spend on, take the piss or use other people (dead or alive) to further their career, aspirations & agenda.

 We are a selfish murder of crows.

When you have body dysmorphia, eating disorders & hang-ups remember to hit those thoughts. (No, whack them straight in the middle of the sentence get in a clause, pause and push those thoughts out)cos they will be your demise if you ruminate on thoughts until you forget that you are putting yourself down.

I was given life. I don’t want to have regrets. These days… I still get panic attacks after eating or shopping for food & then I self medicate to forget ( figure that out in an equation or sum ) If you look with your heart & not your Ego-there is beauty everywhere. There are ( and were ) so many species living in different continents ( homo sapiens too).

I have one wish:  A Brain break (without losing my personality-flaws and all) & not being aware of my body so much cos honestly the guys I picked up ( lol) when I was dating seemed to be interested in outer me ( some were interested in both). There are good men & women who see the beauty in an abstract ( fucking normal way).

If we could just stand up or sit down, and just say F**k your profile, selfies.IDK girls seem more fixated on this idea of being “fit”… How about your sense of humour, your beliefs? GIVE ME IMPERFECTIONS, please…

How about a big F U 2 Standard beauty? Facebook, how about Personality book? Character book?
How about accepting one breast is one cup larger than the other & letting someone who loves you .. love you…Scary AF.

We can be visual whores! Me too btw

My new mantras are more engaging and thought-provoking than standard affirmations.

I’ve realised if I want to be happy (fuck 70% of my thoughts. Fuck money, fuck likes, fuck…… just know me cos we all flawed or

 Who are you?
Not important to my world.

 Alan Watts asks: What do you desire?

My mantras or “mini prayers” is:

Is this the reality I wish to create? -a lot better than ‘I am successful at whatever I do’ ( I know what I can do to myself and the knock-on effect extends to helping or hurting those I love).

So, What do I desire?

PEACE OF MIND –

Thoughts to stop spinning, a body of water ( not a bath) & laughter & security.

MEH …… these are my words….. If you judge me I get louder and then I ignore ( I may have a fleeting thought about you or something that makes me feel shit), then I remember those who know me when I’m A loudmouth or quiet.

I don’t want much except a break from my mind without poisoning it.

The “beauty”  of Facebook is we are so worried about our face or feed that no one will read this & if they do wise asses who say “I Don’t get it”. When I feel like articulating myself and making an effort you won’t reply ( not me being arrogant) just experience with Smart asses, cons, piss takers and general Giff gaff.

 I HAVE A GOOD HEART and a devil on my shoulder. ………End (of) T.hinking C.apacity.

 What is beauty?

A rose wouldn’t be so enticing to touch or pick if it didn’t have thorns. Some of us can be the thorn between two roses ( thanks to the person who came up with that)

Dead Dad beats

Happy fathers day. Sorry, I don’t have any shame for wearing my on my sleeve)for the 2 or 3 years of you blocking me, Dad. (I guess it what some would call gumption).
Dissing me, ignoring me.

Yes, I called you a ‘spineless bastard’ cos sometimes you’re just too laid back & let two women rule you. I’m not what you think of me cos every year I’m. going to wish you Happy father’s day./Birthday etc..

You can justify why you don’t speak to me or say I’m a bad egg. I say: Life is short. I didn’t even get to speak with u about when Grandpa B passed away. I just wanted to give you support. As a daughter. Pay my respects but I did it in my own way. I was there for my Nan. I know its hard building on a natural bond( after deciding to forget about me & Lou & moving on to find some happiness in your life). That probably kept you sane
.
but I’ve chased you more than any man I’ve ever known. All I wanted was a tiny piece of you & insight into who you are.

Anyway, look after your health, be happy, I did ask for money to help with the rent & was down the rabbit hole in 2017. I just couldn’t believe you would think that me and Bee being homeless was an option cos that was where I was headed if I didn’t think creatively. If that is tough love-its brutal & well… I don’t know who you are. Sometimes I think you have died. I shake my thought away & hope I get to see you one last time before you go your way, & I go mine.
Forget the money. I was more interested in your poetry, your acting the character Othello & I wanted to see a bit more of the Dad I started to get to know in 2004.

Yeah, I got ill & I’m obviously not what you expect from a daughter. It’s cool. I’m 38 this year & I’m more curious than angry.

I expect this just reaffirms r that I’ve got more love, curiosity, and respect for you. Okay, a spineless amoeba bastard is a bit low, I was on my ass -my fault or not) Blood in, Blood out, yeah?
You probably won’t see or read this but for what it’s worth, you can’t stop me from doing what I am right and performing my (in so far as I CAN) duty towards you, as your, eldest daughter.

Nah, I don’t give a shit about money & inheritance.  Listen to Alan Watt’s ‘What do you desire?’

Trust me I’ve never fallen for a man for his kerching. Except one but I was not in love and well… I didn’t get to the 5*** hotel in Mexico cos I couldn’t bear sleeping in the same bed as someone I had no chemistry with. TMI?

I heard from a source that this is one of the songs that you used to play on the guitar. I read the love poems when you dated my Mom -way back. Romance isn’t dead it just grew up. Take it easy, Pops.

If this is hanging my “dirty ” laundry’ out then I will say that this a fresh lot of laundry, just out the machine. It smells of. Jasmine & posies. It’s clean.
And me? I’m only a rag n bone hope sapien like the rest of us. I do what I do to get by. Enjoy your day & if it isn’t Father’s day in South Africa (it is here in your Yorkshire).
I can still see the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh & I can hear your laugh in my inner ear (or mind).
HAPPY FATHERS DAY!
I wish I could give you a hug cos I know how close you were to your Dad. And the loss is hard. You have support ( and I will be thinking of you). I still remember how you broke down great Grandad fell ill when I was 12 or summit. I hugged you. And you let me hug you. It made me cry. These are my words.

 

#NYA GOAT Illogic

 Illogic has pushed the boundaries with the track  ‘First trimester’ ( Illogic – Celestial Clockwork (2004)).

Each verse focuses on the different perspective of a couple and their unborn child going through the decision of whether to keep their child or have an Abortion.

It’s a lateral thought-provoking song to the Life versus Pro-choice debate.

It is Illogics maturest track to date.

It highlights the need to create more awareness (about not only women) but Mens thoughts and emotions; about Life & Abortion & challenging our beliefs. It definitely engages critically with this still taboo subject.

We see ther gamut of emotions  the couple go through trying to keep their relationship together & looking at what is best for their futures. The inner conflict is raw. The last verse from a childs perspection blew me out of the water.

Chapeux Illogic

 

#NYA GOAT- Jaz Kahina

Jaz Kahina is IN-YER -FACE and unashamed to speak her mind. Fiesty, hard to like & hard to hate.

Her confrontational attitude is hard to ignore. She’s a marmite 12-foot subway.  I think she is in a league of her own.

She hails from  Hackney, London & is an active member of the London Hip Hop & Open mic community.

When I first heard 284 ( video produced by Danny Wolf & filmed by Film Jordan Grant studios), I was half fascinated & half mortified.

Part Fascinated & and part mortified at her raw confrontational style.

One thing you can’t deny is her passion. Passion is one of the 7 top virtues to have in my opinion.

She is feminine &  inspiring to women in the U.K.  because she doesn’t apologise for speaking her mind. She is acerbic in her witty wordplay & audacious. She is a politically conscious MC highlighting the social & culture issues in the U.K.

An active part of her community she has featured alongside many artists including the prodigy.

FEATURE interview to come on her views about the music industry, Mental Health, the inspiration behind her track & more.

One more track  I  love

God is a Narcissist

Intolerant society.

Living in a belly-fighting off bacteria
Begging other intelligence to disembowel us

Before
Hatred’s tsunanima floods our irrigation system of morals.

No lives matter.Nazi’s aren’t the only few crazier than Mercuries Mad Hatter.

Everyone has an opinion.
Every Judy thinks they are entitled to a Punch – no need to be drunk.

No justice
infers we can’t learn violence is a domino effect.
Cause and effect
ripples from skidding stones.

Balance in humanity
artifially inseminated tinnitus
is the reality.

We look to archaic verse in the Testament that
‘ an eye for an eye’
is as natural as witnessing two beasts bin active fornication being violated.

Our instinct

Our emotions show us we are alive.
We feel we must feel — we have to feel to carry a vigil of hope

Godless goddess installed a program of free will.
A Divine sign?

Why not take back this privilege?
Why make n imperfect world full of sublime, then lure us out with the promise of sporadic sunshine?

Caters to the needs of every breather, every ecosystem.
No need for adulterated theft.

God is a Narcissist.

Why would someone with such power sit back and watch us destroy one another?
Fuck the lies, the parables,
Jesus dying for our sins?

His resurrection dragged through centuries of blasphemous leaders chanting idolific hymn.
In the name of Ignoratious Barkus Dogma.

Religion – organised to control the masses
Sniff out to snuff out the submissive odour- of terrorism.

Bombs

Nuclear weapons.

fists connecting with human bodies

Unlicenced rifles blasting into chunks of beasts flesh.

Rights?
Who is right?

We’re in a goblins  game lost in a maze

They have the eduction to translate to us
cuts to every department.

Global
Division.

Revision .
This is a prison.

When Suicide is a man’s motive to rise to the heavens and receive a reprisal.
Then it is a given.
God is a narcissist.

Jesus was a shoddy carpenter. Check out my gate.
A whore mopping up brows is the only tangible part of this story I find plausible.
Give me a sign!

suffering to this extent is for an entity pantomime.

A gathering On Mount Olympus of Enlightened gods who never miss an episode of planet earth.

Darkness   reveals a screen
A  dismal form of the masses. These pupils— dilated, babble out  words of freedom

Freedom to insult ,
Freedom to obliterate ,
Freedom to disfigure,
Freedom to impregnate,
Freedom to live in contempt.

A society bloated, heaving up piles of excess.
Anarchy doesn’t mean terrorisation.
Revolution is for the mighty hearts.
Revolution is for a shift in consciousness from inequality for the many in parts.

Race,
Gender,
Sex.

We all deserve to be on the earth offender register.

Why do we obey ungovernable laws ?
We take our grievances into our own hands.
How can there be justice?
When her namesake fails us with a well-practised pose of inverted corruption?

Born in navigation mode,

We’re grappling at pockets of hope to Trust in humanity.

Live by your true North

Live by your inherent moral compass .

Especially if life decrees a sentence of physical deformity;
Don’t look to the sky for an answer.
Don’t look to a man with free words dribbling down his jumper.

Don’t tear down statues that can’t fight back.
There is no sense in joining hands with this vicious pack.
We all have it wrong.
Every. Single. One. Of. Us.

God is a narcissist

Hidden behind every face with a  stoic sense of entitlement

 Knitted together from years of oppressive Dogma

Teaching  Seers to

Oversight at what a plight this method of living truly is.

We all need to hang.
Hang our heads in shame.
Enough.

Cut out my heart
See it bleed
Let it bleed …

examine its appearance

understand there is no difference –
we come into the world.

We all rely on another hand for our first feed.
Then we are taught to have a plan B.
Alone, I’m ready to denounce my mammalian side, take my chances, swim against the tide of  sick oceans in one last effort to truly be free
Free from what?

Free From.
Free from hate,
Free from Rhetoric verse spoken lost to a lingering scent of horse manure.
I denounce my own and seek a new home on the basis-I don’t recognize my own kind.
I don’t see a common interest
A goal –

All I see is another foe.
I choke on these words.
Why can’t we learn
I could go on

We have history books showing our true face in good faith.

Nothing is censored.
The age of enlightenment has turned into the stagnant pregnancy of disillusionment.

God is a Narcissist.

That woman

I’m the woman who feels her mind unravel every single day. I’m that woman who will drop (almost ) anything to be loved, liked and to try and be there for people. I am that woman who thinks I am one step away from insanity. One meal away from sitting with others -in the cafeteria suffocating with all the beldam and discourse of those who have held all their pain and confusion inside for too long.

I am terrified I am losing my mind. I have panic attacks, social anxiety, Chronic Anorexia and Bipolar. I’m am that woman who sees every one I love (or now)know that I do love get sick or die around me. Drop-dead.

The black sheep. I forget what I want to say. I doubt my self. I think too much. My biggest secret is I want to be grounded. I do! I seem to be caught up in the cycle of escapism. Escapism not in the form of writing, dancing or talking or being cool with me, but I feel myself inching closer towards ‘the dark soul of the night’.

I want to be saved. I question my faith. Did I ever have faith in anything other than toxins that would take me away from my current emotions?

Yet… even though I am the girl shunned by family and friends, I seem to reel it back in. I wind my mind and wrap it into a neat little bow. Always a different colour. I survive. I don’t know how or why.

Well.. I do. I am a mother, woman, daughter, friend and I have a purpose to fulfil. In my most delirious moments, I find myself inching towards praying to my own mother’s version of God. That biblical character. It frightens me to conform. I don’t want to be brainwashed by society and religion and politics. I don’t want to fit in. I want to be accepted.

I find joy in music and dancing. I find sense in writing. I write to recover.

Did I do a Faustus? I did. A long time ago, in between going to a catholic nun run a school, having Jehovaha’s witness lessons after school and then going to get “drunk” in the Lord’s spirit with, my mates, in the evening. I sought out Satanism. I asked it to take me and I lost my way.

That sounds crazy. I’m running empty on spirituality. Mortality is harsh and fleeting. I cry every day for me, my family,even those who hate me so.

I have to move on and let go. Many say I’m too hard on myself. Do we all feel like a fraud?

Knocking on doors for help. What’s the worst that could happen? I end up alone? Forced to be content with this body, this mind, this personality.

I can’t go back. It’s easy to want to go back when the future is so uncertain. In the distance it reveals that is is not benign. It is a vast tumour. There is no way to stop time. It’s an entity independent of reality.

I’m told I need to look within. look after me. Find my place in this world. I’m still here.

I wanted to die. I nearly did.No bright lights.No memory of the ambulance, the police smashing down my door, the room in Intensive Care.

I’m still here. Every time I think I can’t get through with my day or be with myself, time passes and I’ve survived. I’m reminded of Alan Watts famous clip’ What do you desire?’

 

Be happy or die trying.

To be continued…

About Write to Recover

My blog (that I share) has always been about ‘keeping it real’ and being authentic to myself. I never started out my blog  think ing – YO This is the shizzle- (as my mate Lou says). And then expand my blog to include other passions and interests on Art, mental health, politics, ideas, poetry. I’ve started writing what I’ve ahem.. coined borderline poetry or IN-YER face poetry, done a couple of open mic nights and delved into recorded spoken word projects and film projects.

I wrote/write about the shit going on in my head. I t was and still is a way to get all the crap sifting around my head out and into the written form. It’s a creative outlet.

I call this method of writing ‘Write to recover’ -I often us stream of consciousness techniques. I try not to overthink what I type.

I believe in the quote.

The truth is stranger than fiction

Mark Twain

I don’t know about any of you…

But I’ve lived a long and colourful life (I’m not  bitter, I wear my heart on my sleeve )

I’m just trying to do what I need do to get by.

Music is a full-time love of mine. I want to get into music journalism. I want to write about album reviews and singles.

I have the opportunity to know something many dope and creativists (creative people). who have so much to share. I get the opportunity to do interviews.

I am passionate about interviewing all artists – painters, D’J.’s, film/documentary enthusiasts/ photographers – anyone passionate about being creative.

It is as a bonus if they are aware of mental health issues. Cos we all should be by now. We need to start coming together as a community.

I believe being creative helps improve our mental sense of wellbeing.

No one is perfect. Don’t knock yourself for getting through and surviving

Here is my thought for the day

If someone is going to treat you like crap. Replace their Ass. Especially if they fall into the non -fam category. Don’t give up on your fam, folks.

Daisy/ GOATS2BDazee/Natasha Bodley

She didn’t know

She didn’t know how to give up.

Her greatest ally and her all consuming demise. 

Daisy Willows/Natasha Bodley/GOATS2BDazee/Daisyinthewillows

Musing for today.

Hope you are all doing what you need to get by. Life is what it is.

This song always makes me thing of life in a different way. It’s a bittersweet song that always bring a wry smile to my visage.

La fripon- Flopsy Ears

Death rattle

Reminiscent of an uprising of crickets ready to battle

Stare at a puffed updiamond heart

Drumming inside an empty cage. Birds ripped apart.

Gargoyle  stares ignored.

Folk bumble about unaware what is in store for us all- eventually.

The breathe of Hades-

Lingers then makes a dash for scant flesh and bones.

Meat is not this gods instrument. Lust causes call for more drones

Sponge, moisten  parched parted  lips

Raven signals the ire of its whips

The ones who don’t loose it in bedlam excite

Death.

Invites all loved ones to rally round

Stands by door. Stands back.Admires its ownpower.

A moment to savour for a while more.

Every door closed,  each breath cloys

Begs for enough fare to cross the distance to embrace elysium air.
Today everyone shall know how close we are to parting from brown soil

Lamb,hatched chickens,babies born in  Cumbersome air.

the cycle must  complete before we can emerge reborn

Death is inevitable  as necessary as life is to the Cumbaya

of springs first show of petal.

When you look at the beginning of this  new dawn

Know that when you stand back in awe

It is because you have felt the chill of winters soul depart

Shed a tear for the snowman who brought  our youth so much joy.

Appreciate death. Stare it in the face

The sun chants

 count in rosary beads

tomorrow never dies.

Trying to type something while listening and watching my  grandmother dying.

Rasp

Gasp

I support the assisted dying law.  This is inhumane.

A selfish farce.
Happy mothers day

Wherever  you go

Wherever  you roam

I hope that it is a place as magnificent as earths revellers make it out to be

Ma petition fripon. J’taime xxxx

* What I wrote waiting and comforting my ma and my gran before she passed over