Time is priceless, you know Father time tells me so Perhaps more caffeine Will kickstart my being I’ve been on a roll Trying to meet my goals Before the new year Which is almost here! Now you see Miss Daisy I’m really not lazy No, it hasn’t slipped my mind That you were so […]
I’m no academic poet.
Talk to me about about syllables, haikus – to be honest, I can only hear the blood rushing to my head.
I started doing stream of consciousnesss posts in 2016. I’ve received positive feedback on here, and now I want to step up my game.
Just for fun, the social aspect and it’s a different way to express myself.
So, I did what I do best.
I went to the poetry workshop, everyone seemed to know what they were doing except me!
I went with my heart, my emotions and willingness to try out new approaches, in tackling poetry for live performance.
It was a cool workshop – delivered by a well established,British poet – Matt Abott –
check out his bio HERE
A collaboration with DREAM TIME COLLECTIVE.
We went through a series of activities with the idea to have some form of a draft by the end of the 2 hour workshop
The theme was political poetry.
Each participant chose a theme that they felt passionately about. I chose ‘Animal rights/cruelty. ‘
I got so much out of a two hour workshop that I’m going to share what I did.
Once we had chosen our theme/subject
we had to ask ourselves three questions
Who does it affect?
How does it affect me?
Why is it important to me or to the world?
A Couple of notes I made:
It affects animals, people, ocean, planet
I’m a lover of animals, I don’t believe that we need to eat meat, or wear clothes or makeup made up of animal derivatives. Because of my knowledge of what animals go through to become a consumer product. I feel it is unethical.
I have my own view of animals. I admire how they are able to evolve and adapt, in a way, that doesn’t have a negative impact on the planet .This shows me that humans could learn something from nature, instead of destroying our home.
2. What Matt stressed is: that if we want our poetry to make an impact writing it to perform , we need a motive, a call of action, an agenda.
Who am I delivering this message to?
What do I want to achieve?
Examples: Do I want to shock people, encourage people to look at solutions to the problem etc..
Imagine a room( keeping in mind what your subject is) and put 5 points/Images using ‘show and tell’ language to come with up with strong words.
tearing of flesh
frothing at the mouth
Place the victim/s in that room.
What are they doing ?
How do they feel?
I had two victims. I imagined a gorilla coming round from another bout of being sedated by electrocution. He was wearing garish make up – heavily made up blue eyes and bold, blood colour red lipstick.
My other victim was human – a female who happened to be dressed up in chicken outfit or as a bird. She had a morbid fascination finding herself in this surreal room with this clearly broken ,macabre gorilla.
Next we had place ourselves in that room -observing what was going on
Horror, what do I do? , retaliate or fight or freeze. I was frozen on the spot. Upon reflection, this is how most of society reacts to topics that make them uncomfortable. They become apathetic.
Next, we had to place the victim outside of that situation/ROOM . Different surroundings. Aware of what they have witnessed/ or know and how they react in a different setting.
I chose the female ,costume wearing bird human and put her in a cosmetic store. The emotions that came to me were conflicting – this victim of societies idea of attaining beauty is thinking ‘ ‘I have a choice’
The next stage was to put these ideas into the poetic form.
Make a poem.
Always keeping in mind what we want the audience or how we want the audience to react.
We were directed to to start to put together a poem of no more than 50 words, or certain amount syllables. The aim was to keep it short.
Keep it punchy.
I wrote about 100 words – possibly more.
Then we had to cut those words in half – 😦
I ended up with 46 words.
This is the end product .
Gaze in the mirror.
Blue sparkled hues
Do I look pretty enough for you?
Tearing of flesh.
Bleached in acid
Reflection never part
Do I look pretty enough for you?
The true freak in this show is
, indeed YOU.
Daisy Willows/ Natasha Bodley
Times up. Workshop over. Get back to real life 😀
Now, I have another to approach to poetry when I write.
Have a great weekend!
I’ve finally received my results for my 1st year, doing my Masters, in Creative writing.
PASS-with merit. I officially can use more random letters after my name — ha ha!
I am now in possession of a post graduate certificate in the Arts and Humanities!
How’s this going to help me with what I want do?
I have a dream.
I do. 😀
One of my goals is to move back to France. They love people with diplomas. I hope to get a well paid job there. I need to book a trip to The French embassy later on this year. My husband has decided he is going to take on my surname and become a French national. He’s English!
He’s not only English, he is Northern, from West Yorkshire.
I need to register my Bella Bee as a French national because even though she is more English than I am. Born here. English Dad and roots. The British government will not give her a British passport because I was ordered by her majesty’s court to register her Fathers name on her birth certificate and now they won’t give her one!
I feel so uneasy about my family not having a passport. My entire life, It was drummed into me to always have my passport (in date)in case, we moved countries.
Which we did- a lot!
Moving on . ( pun unintentionally intended :D)
What’s happening in my life?
Loads of shit- ha ha! as usual.
I’m doing better – I keep making a come back. Oh, life – you little tease!
Dare me to live.
Dare me to succeed!
Daisy’s mental health
Yeah, it’s been.
up and down,
up again ,
very up –
not quite sure
aargh why did that and that and that and ..
did I do that?
Those kind of moments, really.
Surely someone can relate?
Not happy about a medication increase in my anti depressant.
I don’t of any person who is on (high/ highest legal doses) of
Two anti psychotics
Two anti anxiety tablets,
and sleeping medication.
I know my health posse want the best for me.
I don’t bullshit them.
I tell if I’ve been using shit coping mechanisms, good ones. Thoughts ,feelings…
I made my psychiatrist laugh.
He offered me psychology therapy — again .
I was like:
‘Look Dr J, seriously every time I sign up to a pyschologist , they leave!’
All my psychologists have left me half way through doing whatever new pycho babble, current trend treatment , is used, to deal with folk such as myself.
One dude, fell asleep in a couple of our sessions.
So, I was like
‘ Listen, I know how to use CBT/DBT, I know how to communicate and talk. I know what keeps me well . I just want a cure’
Another laugh escapes from Dr J.
He is a legend.
A legend ? yes, but not a wizard 😦
He totally gets me and I feel I have a choice in medication changes etc..
I’ve asked to come off one of my meds because I don’t see the point of being on it. It hasn’t helped me.
These meds have affected my memory. I’m terrified of getting Dementia. I’ve been on (legal) tablets since I was 13/14 and I’ve never been off medication.
Talking about memory.
I’m using my creative outlets to start getting into the open mic poetry scene .
I love performing but my memory is really rubbish. I’m going to brave it by doing more live poetry next week. I’m excited. Nervous. It’s all good.
I have my final year of my MA to keep me — super occupied. There is a lot of work to do. For part of my thesis ( check me out)
I’m thinking of using my blog to interview creative folk who live in my community to talk about, their work, (durr!) Creativity and their mental health. My photographer mate is on board to take pictures. Some people have shown interest — yeah!
My heads occupied which is good.
How will doing this help me with my thesis and final work?
Well, I am going to use this year of discovery and research on the link between mental health and creativity as an alternative form of therapy to cope with life’s unpredictable moments.
Then I will have loads of inspiration to write a film script (120 minutes) on a character ,who , is thrown back into society after a long stint in mental /prison institutions , and who is looking to find him/herself and another way of being and expressing him/herself positively, in society.
The opening scene will kind of look like this
I have an ending – (a bit abstract at the moment) – saying there words:
‘I look around for the first time with clarity. And see I’m exactly where I need to be. Around the misfits. The beautiful misfits just like me.’
DAISY’S UN NAMED CHARACTER
It’s all early days and I still have 4 scripts to write, a critique and a character analysis on a famous playwright to do before the final chapter.
All in all. I’m alive, optimistic-ish, full of emotion, drive, passion , a pain in the ass but just doing my thing.
All terribly boring really… 😀
So, I am back!
I can’t commit daily to blogging but I have joined a group on Facebook.
Shout out to Gary @ fiction is food for adding me.
It’s a website for us!
I’m a newbie, its good be around other bloggers again. I’m hoping it will keep me off Facebook and keep me connecting with people like yourself. People who use their time more productively. Doh, oh the irony.
One rant before I go : I wish people would stop leaving public posts about my appearance on my Facebook.
If you ever happen to read this
I know you are having a shit time dealing with your own weight issues. I’m well aware of mine. Please take a look at yourself. Look after yourself first. If you don’t – FUCK OFF!
That is a wrap. I know. Hilarious! ha ha!
Thank you so much for reading
Time to step out and live real life..
Catch up soon!
What’s everyone else doing with life? Blogging?
I’m genuinely curious to know.
It’s been a while since I’ve done a non poetry /stream of consciousness post.
There’s been a shit load going on in the Willows, and every time I think I need to put my thoughts in a post-,life crops up. haha! Life, damn you!
Since June 2016 ,I’ve felt all the positive vibes I usually throw out to the right people shrivel up into dead petals.
The fragrance of mustard gas toxins in my mind and body have knocked me out. I’ve tumbled into a fitful slumber – ignorant to the natural effects of the buzz of Life.
I’ve become ashamed.
Ashamed because I was finally in the best place I’ve ever been in my life.
And I decided to self sabotage.
Here is the weird logic.
Sometimes, when I feel like creeping back into my comfort zone, I retreat from all the people who treat me with respect , encourage me to carry on being creative and love me , give me chances to rise and make a difference in my own life and possibly in others. I become a scorpion in defence and attempt to sting myself to death.
It’s a primitive response – commanded by his most rational Amygdala.
No chance I’m going to let anyone else crush me. Haha! I will do it myself at my own hands or tail… even.
Suspicious mind sets in.
The thing is my self destructive tail shrank while I was living life allowing myself to be confident, taking compliments, getting ahead , climbing the arduous trek uphill, and finally relishing the view on top of my own mountain .
I had already started the process of adaptation, in response , to the good fortune I’d made in my life.
Let my guard down.
In fear of being who I have always wanted to be, I fleed with my stumped tail, roamed the desert and searched for a medley of creatures and elements to crush me.
I know this sounds abstract.
I recently went to an open mic night for people in recovery from various addictions, and one girl came up on stage and performed a piece about her strange and unusual relationships with toxic people.
It’s almost like a buzzword. I hear this phrase everywhere’
‘don’t let toxic people into your life‘
I do get it.
I understand that I don’t need to be on drugs, or overdosing or starving myself to hurt myself.
sometimes, when I feel self destructive, I seek out people who I think need saving or who can help me escape me or they seek me out. It’s not something I’m aware of until it’s too late.
These people are attracted to me like gravity. Vice versa.
These people become a drug.
There is an allure, a peculiar drive to chase after them. Hang onto every kind word spoken , every sweet gesture.
Then when they wake from a spell of disallusion- or they feel they have been stirred in the wrong direction,or an ingredient they needed to feel good about their current situation is added too lightly or heavy handedly; They turn on those they see as weak and prepared to put up with their bullshit.
I liken this behaviour to a rather lethal bad batch of substances or hootch .
I refuse to walk away, I guzzle up swigs of insults and snort up the all the flaws that make up my chemistry.
Eventually, they take all their own self loathing, regret, frustrations and issues and dump it on me.
There is strength and vulnerability in me. I’ve never wanted to build a wall around who I am.
I may do shitty things and its no excuse when I say,
I’m always upfront about it.
I always let the people in my life know what’s going on.
Where I am at.
I tend to do this with people I have just met too. I’ve hid myself for so long. If people can’t get me from the start, then I’d rather know sooner than waste precious time.
It’s not an excuse to do shitty things to other people.
I choose to tell people what I’ve done/doing. Good and bad.
I confess, I usually have a lot to lose -most of the time.
I’m blessed to have a small circle of family and friends who are ready to take my hand and help me out of the jungle.
Help me leave the ones who are in the thick of it ,simulated and hanging out with familiar, estranged animals. They are trying to survive.
It’s hard to take a knock. It’s facile to blame others for your setbacks. I’ve done that in my life over and over.
It’s only when I decided to make a conscious choice to make peace with my past, and take responsibility for what I do now, have I been able to bounce back quicker from life’s trials and moments of fuckery.
It’s obvious, right?
Blaming others for how you feel is hardly going to solve your problem ,is it?
I’m full of passion, empathy and I can be blunt,I do speak my mind and I can be a soft touch.
Disastrous in the wrong hands.
It becomes difficult to keep my mouth shut and not turn the remnants of my poisonous tail on those who hurt me.
Passion floods through my veins. Bubbles over.I retaliate especially after seeing someone else’s imperfect life. After listening to their feelings and ideas and dreams. Reaching out and saying, ‘ I’ll be there for you’ .
These people usually say: I didn’t ask for your help – ( it doesn’t stop them from taking it when it suits them)
It’s hard not to retaliate when family, friends or an acquaintance who I’ve trusted to divulge so much about myself, in things I trust they won’t use against me, because of our common acknowledgement that we listen, don’t judge and empathise.
I retaliate at hypocrisy and denial.
I retaliate when a person uses ammo to hurt me and then cries in a murky pond of self pity at what a scoundrel I am!
when I give it back to them- in their language. People dont like being spoken back to in fluent asshole. It’s usually my last resort.
It takes courage and stupity to allow another to hurl a barrage of abuse at you. This can be subtle- only you know it is abuse because of what it does to your mind and emotions.
To have someone not understand how or why or even care, that they are poking my underbelly;
To try and reason with a person who can only see how hurt they are – how what has been said to them is far worse than what they have said, is frustrating.
Bashing heads together-over and over. It becomes consuming and frustrating. I just want to record what we have already gone over, press play.
Stuck in a loop. Trying to move forward.
Wait, I need you.
Welcome to radio station FM mixed signal.
In my experience, I’ve met many people who are going through their own shit storm,and instead of looking to fix themselves they will throw sticks at another’s issues.
Some do try and fix themselves but are surrounded by other toxic people who hold them back. Their dreams and goals become more obscure and more difficult to make out.
The other ones caught up in the spiral of habitual self abuse can’t help but bring others down with them.
Why do I feed into these wonderful people who are full of heart and pointed edges? I can see they are clearly awash with troubles.
Why cant I leave them alone?
the nature of addiction is compulsive and obsessive.
It’s agonising to know the psychology of toxic people and know what they are doing, feel immoblised and, desperately hanging on to my sense of self. The voice that usually stand ups and says
I won’t take this. I know who I am.
is replaced by a mouth stitched up in apathy.
A shell of myself holding tightly onto hope.
Its not the person its their behaviour.
Hard to swallow until my passion and sense of justice regurgitates all their abuse, the cold words, the push and pull effect.
It’s hard not to expect people to be on your level- it is worth training your mind and heart to expect little from people.
Especially the people who let their guard down.
Am I the only one who can be around certain people and not feel self conscious?
Not doubt my intelligence, ability, my ideas and my very being?
I’m not left questioning If I am worthy.
there are the people in full bkoen toxic mode, who will take all the positive energy from you ,and then discard you. It’s because they are highly absorbed in their own life of misery. They know deep down they are better than their current situation. The anger is a reflection of the weaknesses same weaknesses they see in those they use.
don’t hate these people.
Most toxic people have good hearts, and when in a good place (if ever) have a lot of love and time to give to others.
By all means walk away from them, let them push you away.
Yes, sometimes we have to be pushed.
Sometimes, we have to put aside the good we can see in them, and realise that they can only help themselves.
I know all this because I have been toxic.
I’ve done all these things.
We can all be toxic. Always take time to refocus and reflect.
All experiences can help build on your character and teach you important lessons about yourself.
We are all works in progress.
What a difference 7 days can make! The only way I know to keep myself out of trouble is to scare the shit out of myself – ha ha!
Write to recover and then perform to recover. ;D
I’m moving forward again.
‘Fight the good fight’ as Charles Bukowski said.
Go big or go home.
The video isn’t great quality but I’m. sharing it more to reaffirm to myself that I have just as much to bring and give as the next person.
Something I jotted down last night. I’ver lived in big cities and many small towns in different countries (maybe some people can relate) and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m done trying to show others (especially people who live in small towns) I too have my own ideas and share similar interests etc…
It doesn’t mean I’m better or anyone else is better than me It means I am who I am and the world is bigger than where I currently live.
I’ve been looking for a genre for the kind of poetry I do. I couldn’t find anything that I fit into. So I introduce ‘in yer face ‘poetry. Inspired by ‘in yer face’ theatre. That’s me and that is how I write and I’ve found a niche and I finally feel okay. with not being everyone’s favourite read or person. ha ha!
IN YER FACE POETRY – first coined by me, Daisy Willows aka Natasha Bodley – taking 100% full credit for it. ha ha!
I’m finally going to take the advice of other people and get something published- not because I want to make loads of money but because it shows me that nothing is impossible.
So far when I’ve applied thais mantra to my thoughts and life -It has worked.
My definition of in yer face poetry
‘ poetry that is blatant, honest, provocative ,emotional and not pretty or fancy or written to hide reality. ‘
‘ Don’t be disappointed if you get rejected especially if you have made an effort to fit in. Farms are driven by human chains to contain. It’s highly unlikely that an animal bred to serve will accept you , especially if you are an animal who was born in the jungle or the savannah. Adapt , be resourceful and keep your spirit wild and free.
March to the beat that allows you to walk side by side with others, to lead others, be led or walk alone. Acceptance is but one way you feel secure and shouldn’t be a reason to stay in one place.
Remember those who wander and drift out of their comfort zone will always find kindred souls who get the idea that acceptance can be found in those who know security comes from within. Choose to roam and meet other spirits who remind you why you live life
. Don’t stick around waiting for people to get you or accept you. Keep moving and you will never be far from those who accept your different attitude, culture and traditions.
Embrace the misfits . They are the most intriguing and loyal spirits who will make an effort to teach you their ways and be as eager to understand your ways.’
The one word summary to the above is this.
Back on track…. Thanks to those who have been so supportive.
I’m still a newbie at doing open mic but what a great crowd and I’m so honoured to have had a chance to share a space with so many incredibly talented singers, comedians, poets/artists who welcomed this blooming weed into their little home and embraced me like a friend who had been away travelling.
Apologies for the poor quality video. Will try and upload a better one but tbh all you see is the back of me ha ha! Not very exciting.
Still waiting for my MA results but I’m ready for year two!
Honest and upfront is what I do best. I’ve avoided blogging too much or connecting over the last few months because I’ve been hiding a lot of guilt and shame –
so I’ve been doing some thinking.
No stream of consciousness or poetry in this post…
Are you still with me? ha ha
I write for myself first and I always will. When I write for an audience I lose my way easily.
Apologies if this is old news to the more evolved spirits reading this. 😁
Daisy has an epiphany.
I’ve been contemplating on the saying ‘dig deep’
if you decide to use this quote to get you through an experience
Do you know why you need to dig deep?
My humble findings are what follows
Because whether we become aware and conscious, in this life (or not) about my proposed notion of the meaning of the ‘dig deep’ quote
(that’s a bit wordy. ha ha)
here it is:
from our very conception into this life
-Our first breathe – we start to dig our own grave.
We begin to design the lay out of where our final resting place or end will be.
It would epic and less stressful if from the moment we are born we knew what we are meant to be doing.
Many people never figure it out or, if they do its too late to ask them if they have for obvious reasons. 😞
Many people decide to choose a saviour be it in the form of an icon – a god, a person , goals – money, love, careers, addictions , etc…
We strive to find something to focus all of our seconds, minutes ,hours and years blatantly meandering about on this planet.
Be careful who you allow to support you – some people are so busy trying to save everyone else, ( we all do it at some point) we forget our first honour and duty is to save ourselves and know our own purpose.
It’s known in psycho babble terms as the dramatic triangle.
Most of use tend to flit between these roles depending on the situation we are in ,people we are around etc.
Many of us go on to have children who rely on us – depend on us to teach them how to navigate their own path – how to create their own resting place – and to be conscious that each action,
each decision they make has a hand in determining how they will die.
Teaching others to rely on themselves is blessing not a curse.
Only when we are faced with our own reflection and with no other help but our own resources that we have collected along our journey in life ; will we know how we will get to the other side or to our end in this characteristic form.
Some off us end up addicted, or come to our end at the hands of illnesses like cancer or dementia , car accidents etc.
Many of us are not aware that from the moment we are given independent life we are consistently (for better or worse) building our own coffins .
is it fair that we are not told this from our first breathe ?
I didn’t make up the rules in life or society.
We – I – can only govern myself and my actions.
Be wary who you try to help or who you accept help from.
Don’t get mad when people let you down
they are doing what they need to do – following their own purpose.
Some people never find out what their purpose is.
How comfortable and aware of your surrounding do you want to be when you take your last breathe in this life.
We create our own Elysium or heaven or utopia even –
sometimes it’s not what we want –
but we won’t know until we are swimming against the tide or even hanging ten and riding the wave.
I do know that I want to be as conscious and aware of my choices ,limits when the wave crashes .
My personal chosen Gods have always been tangible- in the form of fully crystallised human beings -flawed just like me.
I think I chose human idols to put all my faith in to
so that I can have a go at someone when “they” 😉 let me down. I want to face my own success and disappointments A-sap . Patience /Sabili is not a strength of mine.
I need to look at a reflection of myself to determine I exist.
it’s not easy to figure out life- there is probably more evidence for the saying that instead of trying to figure out life- it needs to be lived – consciously and with purpose.
We can live with purpose and not know if that purpose is right and we can live consciously and not know what out purpose is.
hopefully, with the aid of our experiences we can decide which of the tools or resources we need to use if/when we have a “I’ve possibly hit the bottom of my pit”.
How do I bypass this mythical minotaur I’ve read about?
We wonder how or,
if we can
are able to crawl out and up out of it to place where we can find some sense of comfort.
We wonder if we have the endurance, courage and motivation to get out of coal mine
Whether it’s worth finding a running brook of water to wash the soot from the I side out.
The alternative option is that our final resting place will be exactly where we decide to rest – in this case the bottom of a pit . State the obvious 😂
Only we can make our ending a place where we feel we have done everything in our power tosit amongst the angels or the gods of Olympus or whatever it is we believe in that will take us through from the beginning to the end, where we can feel at peace with ourselves.
Some of us – most of us never get to that point. Downerz 😁😁
I don’t know about reincarnation but I am aware.
Society tells us it’s a selfish idea
‘ look after yourself’.
Human beings are wired to reach out but how we do that and to know our boundaries and the boundaries of others is tricky and a part of the dance of life- the cha cha
one step forward backwards thing. I’m full of cliches in this post.
It’s scary to know we are ultimately alone – only we can change our selves – our emotions – our ideas – our path.
It’s hard not to resent others or life for making us so capable and resilient.
Damn you life! How dare you 😂
it’s easier to choose to not see the bigger plan – the idea that yes we govern ourselves and we must govern our selves and own our actions and our lives.
and at the same time understand that every move /choice/thought we make – has that butterfly effect –
we cause the ripples .
science has come up with a terminology -a language to help us understand our position in this world, our make up , what and how much we are capable of – how much responsibility we all have
How significant just one body made up if molecules is :to the rest of planet balancing out or toppling over –
We have nature to compare ourselves to – an example of what happens when we fuck up our ecosystems – when we put element a somewhere and take out element b from somewhere else.
It’s trial and error.
We repeat – the cycle continues.
The fear of being alone is a lot scarier than actually being alone
When I am alone left to decide -I choose to swim and come up for air.
I remember that I have walked the earth with legs , I’ve flown and seen the world from a bird’s eye perspective.
I’ve also stayed a rather unglamourous amphibian thinking I’m in a vast sea surrounded by a fellow hybrid form of alluring sirens
I choose to live another day. I don’t know if my choices are right or wrong – time is what it is.
People in my life , of my life
I love you but I don’t need any of you In the way I have allowed myself to believe I do.
Do i decide to fight the battle every day or fall back into walking state of slumber
Big day in the U.K.
Let’s sort out any confusion
I’m under no great illusion
that Corbyn is NOT the messiah to lead this island
to balmy weather.
Fair in the ideas he postulates.
Words that that resonate with humanities mantra of together.
Don’t expect a perfect world unless we all put in some labour
One man can speak for the many but the many must graft for the life they seek in ardour.
the many make changes – X marks your choice
It’s not over.This is but the start – it’s time to think outside of the box – continue to use your new found voice.
This is phase one of an arduous journey
We will lose if we don’t endure the marathon and have JC’s back when it all gets thorny.
Don’t lose faith
Keep your head looking to the above.
It’s not a one man job
It’s up to all of us to stand the test -stay the course
perhaps one day we will see a world blossom from our sacrifice to give it one love.
Today I vote labour.
If there was a chance GREEN would or could win this election, I would have voted for them