I’d be letting myself down if I didn’t post about my Eating disorder or mental illness or if I didn’t write about my body image issues.
I shouldn’t be alive. I’ve been in & out of hospitals sectioned, medicated, threatened with E.C.T. therapy, my Dad didn’t want to care for me & asked social services to get involved in my life. I had other family members who loved me more & didn’t think that is what families do to their children.
I am still alive (obviously). I wish that kids could learn about body image & emotional intelligence at school.
Body Image is the mental picture you have of your body. It includes attitudes and feelings about how you look & how you think other people see you.
Hosted by the Mental Health Foundation, Mental Health Awareness Week 2019 will take place from Monday 13 to Sunday 19 May 2019. The theme for 2019 is Body Image – how we think and feel about our bodies.
Body image issues can affect all of us at any age. During the week we will be publishing new research, considering some of the reasons why our body image can impact the way that we feel, campaigning for change and publishing practical tools.
My stepfather used to tell me I was fat & would eat sweets & cake in front of me. He was a bastard for many more reasons than that….
People with HEALTHY Body Image…
▪ Accept bodies come in different shapes and sizes. ( I accept that as long as it doesn’t affect me)
▪ Know there are good things about their bodies. ( sure- legs……….)
▪ Are comfortable with their bodies. (Most of the time I wish I could swap heads with someone for peace of mind)
▪ Are critical of the ‘ideal’ body seen in the media. (Yes
People with UNHEALTHY Body Image…
▪ May think a lot about how they see themselves or how they think others see them
▪ Maybe uncomfortable with their bodies. (I’m not shy just aware of it).
I found Sa Roc when I was going through another post-suicide blues.
I’m also inspired by her courage to talk about her own self harm & body issues
I dealt with feeling inadequate or less worthy because I didn’t fit conventional standards of what was considered beautiful,” Sa-Roc explains to HipHopDX. “There was also a lot of unexpressed anger and pain that I didn’t feel comfortable or courageous enough to share with my loved ones, so I took it out on myself.
I identified with her honesty & her strength, and her vulnerabilities.
Because she emcees about how much trauma she went through & thinks that as an artist she needs to empower women especially in the one-dimensional world we live on social media. She has her own style & doesn’t conform to any style but her own. She has a message. She wants other women to feel free & she wants to break the discrimination of men in the industry dismissing talented & credible female emcees.
People forget that women have been instrumental in Hip Hop since its inception,” she says. “Most of us are really familiar with the early male Hip Hop icons and pioneers, but women have been present and just as instrumental since the beginning. One of those women, who my name actually pays homage to, is Sha-Rock.
Her album is a personal inspection of how her experiences and childhood shaped her personal views.
Sa Roc is in a league of her own because she wants other women to feel empowered and to be self-defined on their terms.
I look to the past a lot.
And worry about the future.
I lived in other homes though I had a home.
I was lost.
I was dying.
I’ve looked to others for approval to my detriment.
I’ve turned away from people who put me down.
I’ve been fighting an eating disorder-Anorexia since I was 5 years old. It is a chronic illness & I have a Bipolar & Emotionally unstable Personality disorder too.
But I think I just had a very mixed up childhood & responded to trauma by turning on myself. I had a lot of love and a lot of craziness.
I love my family.
I’ve erased /dissociated from my memories of the past. I have huge gaping holes of cosmic proportions. I have blacked out so much.
I’ve been in many hospitals for suicide attempts mine or watched family close to me harm themselves others, Sectioned many times, I’ve been drugged by doctors, men, myself.
It doesn’t make me a victim. I know how hard I fight with my thoughts every second of the day.
I too live with my guilt
I have moments when I Think I’m worth it. 😉
I can’t seem to confirm. Even when I try……
I always get back up after getting knocked down.
Sa Roc is proud of her African heritage & she embraces it.
I am not a black African, I am a white South Africa. Lived there for many years.
I was from the pre & post-apartheid era. I mixed with as many cultures as I came across. There are many.
I’ve seen a lot of gun crime – had one pointed to my head, seen my mates owing money to drug dealers with guns, I’ve met diamond smugglers & nearly ended up dead. I almost lost my life to living with Niagarians. Attending to the bar & getting addicted very quickly. I’ve had Mandrax dealers set a dog on me. I’ve just seen a lot of guns. South Africa, yaar?
I have regrets ( I’m working to not dwell on them)
I dig the chorus cos it lends the tune a bit of soul.
The chorus is like a mantra I sing to trick myself into believing a lot.
I love stars (even if they are dying)
I’ve self-harmed in so many ways -self-harm, knives, drugs, toxic people…
I was advised by my doctor & professionals to have an abortion in 2010. I regret my actions though I know I did the right thing.
I went on to have my daughter who will be 8 in October.
I’ve had many break downs and I’m still here.
I’ve fought many people & gained strong allies too.
I’m on a spiritual journey not religious.
My eating disorder consumes me.
I too don’t know what I would do if I could reverse time?
I have experienced a life that many people wouldn’t believe if I told them.
I’ve had gold teeth 😀
I love the drumming bit in 3.18 min ( What a #goatbah)
She’s got gumption.
Listen more………. 😀
Read in between the lines
A few years ago (when I was in college) I tried to make money & raise awareness of my eating disorder by sharing my story with a scrupulous magazine. ( many years ago) & all my words, my moms were distorted.
I was naive. Don’t buy into any one’s media hype if it makes you feel shit about yourself.
The article ended up pitting me & my Mom against one another.
I don’t believe my Mom made me anorexiC Be careful of what the media is doing and how it wants to portray people. Sensationalised bullshit.
First of all, I have never called my Mom – ‘mum’.
If they can twist words then they can make us want to look like people who don’t even exist.
I hate being skinny but I love the security it gives me.
aka Corky Traxman hails from Chicago and has been on the Chicago house and acid music house scene since ‘house music was born’
He branched out further into the electronic scene.
And became one of the co founders of now deceased D.J. Rashed and D.J. Spinn and Teklife crew which lead him to infuse the juke and the footwork subculture revival with his personal ,old school Chicago house and acid sound.
Corky is mesmerizing to watch on decks. You tube him.
His long extensive career in the music industry means he has a huge fan base in Japan, France, Britain and he is the owner of
Though he has an astute business acumen and can come across as “moody`” , he does show his softer side with tracks such as Depression. Music is his way of life it seems. It’s his raison d’être.
When asked why he started music he said
its just a way of life
Cornelius or Corky has been doing music since he was a kid.
His passion and determination have seen him become a self-made producer and D.J.
He recently featured in the rolling stones magazine of the 20 BEST EDM albums albums of 2017 called TRAXMAN TEKVISION
Footwork juke dance -is a huge revival back from the 90’s composed of mainly using Samplers, drum machine Roland TR-808, synthesizer, and a sequencer to get people dancing at 160 BPM.It’s ainfectious to watch and try out the moves yourself.
Be ready to feel like you are dancing on lit coals.
HOTMIX 5 is his reason for getting into music – find out why in my G.O.A.T. FEATURE soon!
His latest album has just dropped. Support music artists and get his DillaZ EP form Bandcamp .
Check out his acid house mix too.
LINKS TO CORKY TRAXMAN’S MUSIC AND EPS/ALBUMS BELOW.
One of the Highly intellIigent animals that lives in rocky mountains. These creatures actually seem to be smarter than the average human being, however they don’t have all the technology because of a lack opposable thumbs
“Happiness can exist only in acceptance” George Orwell
Why this quote?
First of all if you haven’t read this dudes book ‘1984’ . Get reading it. It is a dystopian novel and it packs a punch. This dude was so scarily right about what society could and has turned into
Secondly, the blogs I have got around to reading so far today, all have a common threaded theme of acceptance weaved into the content.
I have days when I am buzzing. I’m on an all self empowerment mission
if you don’t like me then talk to the palm , see the worry on my deadpan face.
Not accepting what and who you are and look like is a one way trip to an asylum – I know this.
Some days I accept I am a “normal” weight and body shape now. I am not supposed to l have the body and measurements of a 14-15 year old.
I know this but I have moments where I struggle to accept I have breasts, periods, thighs that touch, hip bones not jutting out.
I work out but I am not muscular -I try and see that this is healthy and is a desirable look to achieve and aim for..
Sometimes it is hard to separate my old beliefs that healthy = chubby or not slim or thin.
I wonder if I have made some God awful mistake taking up exercise. I’ve bulked up and when I see a picture of myself, on a down day. I zone in my arms.
Why they so big? Where have my waif arms gone?
Not accepting yourself can drive you mad. I know this.
It drives old behaviours and thoughts.
There is me trying to fit in with the world and it ends up like this!
My biggest not so helpful behaviours are weighing myself obsessivly -so I may as well super glue the thing to my feet, I do it so much.
The worst mind fuckery is when I ask my partner to take pictures of me. It is hard to accept myself and be happy in a body when the mind won’t allow it.
It rejects the body as a whole. It zones in on one particular aspect.
Big arms, no six pack, bloated tummy, cellulite.
So many thoughts scrabble the mind
It must be the increase in medication
I eat too much
Why did I fool myself?
Why did I let myself be fooled that I am beautiful?
The most insane thought…
Let me upload a bunch of pics of me in my bikini,not in some exotic holiday place lazing by the pool ,sipping cocktails; but in my small bedroom, pale , no tan, trying to get in as many angles as possible in so I can scrutinize my body.
Anorexia begs me
PLEASE PUT THESE PICTURES UP! WE NEED SOME KIND OF VALIDATION!
I won’t and I can’t….
So this is just a small insight into how even ONE day of not accepting yourself and others can turn your day from driving by in a vintage open top rolls Royce, past cotton fields, the air is a sweet honey and the smell of fresh pine.
Not accepting yourself or others can turn into a day of picking cotton, boiling and beating the starch out of the linen, the smell of sweet honey becomes a harbinger, it coats the scent of dead charred bodies- slaves. Tries to mask it. You become the person who sees the carefree people drive by so cool and seemingly no problems.
I want to be happy so I must strive to accept myself as much as possible. I cling on to the good days and try and remind myself of these days when I feel like I am in a suit and not a real body.
in other news today… Money comes in and money goes out.
It’s bill paying day 🙂 Just go with this one, please.
That is fucking seriously depressing but it doesn’t depress me because I accept that in order to be comfortable and happy I have to pay for that privilege.
It sucks that I have to pay for it but it DOES NOT have an impact on my happiness. I know I am poor in money and rich in love – I accept thatjust a thought. ….
” In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel “burnout ” setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective.”~ Dalai Lama
No Memes in this post.
I’M EXHAUSTED. just want to go back to sleep. I’m angry. I know people around the world who have severe mental health issues and are exploited by the ones closest to them.
Yesterday was challenging. I am duty bound to protect and safe guard those in my own personal life.. I had to get tough and put some rock bottom pressure on. I had to force peoples hands.
I did this from a place of care and concern over those I love.
Exploitation. The word -always makes me think of young Slovakian girls being trafficked for their body.
A lot of the time exploitation can happen and does happen closer to home.
Family exploit family don’t they?
It happens all the time – watch Jerry springer or Jeremy Kyle.
Money and addictions and poor mental can make a poisonous cocktail.
I wonder to myself how many times could, or indeed should I give chances to people who constantly let me and or others down; or have never ever been an ally from day one.
This is especially true in relationships – one example being relationship dynamics in families.
We want to forgive and move on and one day we might see a a spark of change. We may even say:
“I can see this person is struggling lets give this person another shot”
The fact is this person or people may turn out to have missed a true vocation in Acting.
That happens a lot in family and in relationships in general.
Has anyone tried to give a person the benefit of the doubt over and over again? Only to find out that you have been living under a lens. Living under a lens of a person trying to find out your weakness to exploit them for their own gain?
Have you seen this done to some one you love? care about?
Some times you have to make tough decisions. You have to force the poison out and that means going to the source –
no bullshitting and pussyfooting about.
It is about telling it like it is and what is going to happen.
I’m sure I am not alone. We all have people we love. We see the people in our life battle and sometimes recover and get better at dealing with life.
You see something come along that you know could take the very person you love who is doing better out and your don’t want to lose them,
so what do you do?
I know what I would do
I fight in their corner. I become merciless. Once bridges have been burned -especially if the bridge was not based on a solid foundation to begin with – I fight and protect the ones who I feel need me. The people I want in my life.
It might not be my battle or yours but I feel it becomes mine when I see someone falling and you I know how to solve the immediate and long term problem.
Usually the most vulnerable people in our society are the ones who don’t want to make waves or feel duty bound to stick up for the very people who get used for another their advantage.
This happens a lot. If it had to start happening close to home or close to the home of someone I love. I get into sniper mode and I can be ruthless.
Vulnerable people need to be protected, treated humanely, respected, listened to and encouraged to talk.
Yes, there is an influx of people who need help. If it was an easy job to tackle and well paid, everyone would want to work or volunteer in the mental health sector.
I see many professionals like a doctor reduced to machines when dealing with peoples problems. They see it all the time and become conditioned to protect their own feelings and usually come across as cold and anal.
Mental health charities try to humanise a persons experience and validate these people again.
So yes, I am exhausted. I didn’t get a chance to shut down. I may not have got everything I wanted to do done yesterday. I’m going to carry on but I need to listen to my own trigger signs.
My body and mind say go back to sleep and gain more energy.
Today is going to be a long one……..
Should I just close my eyes fro am minute or two? I want to make sure everything and everyone gets my full attention. Balance is hard to find when you become a vigilante for people.
Life is simple if you just keep to yourself but I can’t watch someone who has done everything in their power to live and be the best they can be, be exploited and watch their health dip even more.
There is also the hard tough love and judgement calls we have to make when we try and try and try again to help someone, who may not want to see the problem -they lie to themselves and to others.
It’s a fucking sorry state to be in –
horrific enough to watch someone have to go through that and know that no matter what is said and done -nothing will change until a person wants change.
So yesterday was all about dealing with various issues and giving my time and listening.
Where in all of this do I STAND?
I need to get some sleep so I can get shit done properly. I can’t function on anything the way I feel now. so first I have to take care of my mental health and only then can I give my full attention to others and that spills over in to my blogging life.
I want to take in what I hear ,see and read.
So, I will catch up with you all later.
Tuesday what awaits me?
Have an epic day and look after you first. You can’t hlep anyone if your health is suffering.
“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday.” John Wayne
I’ve had a lot of awesome feed back about what a great person I am and how people admire me for volunteering. I’m kind of taken a back because I have to be straight with you . I get so much from it.
It is not just some selfless act . I am not doing some altruistic act like some Mother Theresa or Ghandi.
Volunteering and all the training and experience I get from it helps me gain skills. One huge skill I get from volunteering is it keeps me focused.
It gives my life purpose.
When I want to say,
FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY (I did that yesterday)
Volunteering is a tool (or way of coping if you like) that I use to distance myself from my mental health problems. I can leave the house knowing my purpose for the day or for the next few hours is focusing on doing something thing that doesn’t feed into my illness.
When I put my volunteer hat on : It ‘s not about my issues.
It’s for something bigger. I am using the shit in my head to take something positive and use it to do something more constructive with it.
If it helps someone that is a major fucking bonus 😀
So before you applaud me.
Please,know my life is far from perfect.
I still struggle with my Bipolar, my weight and the scales and certain foods I won’t eat.
I am not emaciated or starving myself but I will always have this Eating disorder and Bipolar.
I am lucky I have finally become the kind of person who will eat my kind of food that I feel safe to eat -not giving a shit what people think about or don’t think about my eating habits.
I don’t feel shame rummaging in my bag and taking my medication at a certain time.
Here is the reason why.
I hid that part of my myself human, for so long.
I used to be so ashamed to show people I too had to eat sometime when I was very ill at a BMI of 13- so we are talking low numbers -35 kilograms. 5stone if that.
So I do struggle -everyday -to a certain degree.
In previous posts,I’ve mentioned exercise as one of my top five ways to cope.
Yesterday I came back from the dentist, I went straight to bed. I didn’t want to see or know anything or anybody.
I wanted to call of the wedding! (drama queen moment).
Seriously, I was genuinely fed up and had blown the candle flame out myself.
I was disappointed because I had had great , big, huge expectations.
Number one lesson # never expect unless you want to be disappointed.
I got it in my head that my dentist was going to do some extra work for me and it turned out, what he had said about fixing up my teeth for my wedding, was not the kind of fixing up I thought he was going to do.
I got bummed out.
I can fix my problem teeth if I have oh, £1000 hanging around.
So yesterday I gave up. I managed to read my daughter a story.
My biggest support is my partner, my daughter and my Mom.
When I got back from the dentist. I was going to hit the floor and do a dance session.
My partner knows I weigh myself before and after.
There on the wall ,was a post stick note, with these words written on them
You are the strongest person I know
I love you
and you are soooooo sexy
MY SOUL MATE
My G does this a lot . He pumps me up and believes in me. He hates my illness because he sees what it does to me. He gets mad cos he doesn’t feel like he is doing enough.
He does more than enough.
All he wants from me is my love -(of course) and for me to be happy.
No long lists….
I’m the one with the massive list of what I expect I should be to my partner.
I woke up ,read my daughter a story.
I asked myself can I do this gym session?
It took me three attempts but I got it done
The scales are still being wankers but I did it.
I will tell you a secret.
Yesterday someone -not a friend/ family member told me I had the figure of a model and the look of a model. I took the compliment more for the reason not to offend her than take it in and think.
That is fucking awesome.
Did this person want something from me?
Throughout all the self hating we do. We forget the compliments we get/ dismiss them.
I know that today I’m going to be able to start some great work with another mental health charity and when I get home I will be able to blog and read blogs.
Another one of my top 5 ways to cope.
I COULD OF AND DID DO THIS
The problem with mental health issues is that if you don’t make some kind of effort. Say for example getting out of bed- nothing is going to change.
It is a catch 22 situation and it sucks!
Nothing to is going to improve.
Finding out the skills you need and what makes you happy is the key to motivating you, to carry on, when all you want to do is lie on a train track and wait.
People ask me how I can be so open with my blog and who I am and what I disclose. Some people in the place I live know me and my blog.
I’ve had 25 years of either judging myself or being judged.
So it kind of doesn’t bother me what people think of me and my issues and how I deal with them.
I know in my heart and mind what it has taken for me to get to this point in my life.
Still alive ,with a beautiful family and all my limbs and loads of opportunities.
There is no miracle cure.
The only thing I do is keep on going.
If I fall.
I get back up –
The day I don’t get up is the day I may as well build a coffin for myself.
Want to be a part #FollowGreatFootsteps? You can do it! I will review your blog -check out the link above. It”s easy peasy.
It’s that time of month. I’ve stepped on the dreaded scales and put on weight. Remember I have an eating disorder. Logic/science dictates that when I am on my period that I may have fluid retention.
I’ve been researching about weight gain and I’m on day 3 now and I should be weighing less according to reliable Google. 😀
I’m sure I go through this every fucking month but I have selective amnesia. My mind has compelled me to think the weight gain has nothing to do with my period. I’ve just got fatter!
My partner has to live with me and my obsession over weight. He always tells me my weight will go down -it always does. I want to rip his gonads off him when he says this because my mind is fucking with me, my clothes are tight.
I exercise daily.
I shouldn’t put on weight.
I’ve lost control. My eating disorder rules me for the next 7 days.
Isn’t that like how long it took to create the world?
Periods and creating the world are pretty epic ,monumental moments.
What if it is true weight gain?
I guess you have fathomed out that I am not a happy Daisy. These are the times I miss being so underweight because I don’t have to worry about my periods. I don’t get them. I don’t want to be anorexic again.
I WANT THE SCALES TO GO DOWN TO MY SAFE WEIGHT ZONE AGAIN!
“How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?” ~ William Shakespeare, Othello #FollowGreatFootsteps
WHY HAVE CHOSEN THIS QUOTE ?
Several reasons to be patient. I am going to be a patient at my dentists this morning ;. YAY!
I’m finally getting rid of my gold tooth-
“Aaaaaarhg me maties.” and going for a more subtle look. Ha ha
I am the most impatient person I know and I know that it triggers of my anxiety
I also played the part of Othello when I did my foundation degree in ‘Acting Performance’ way back in 2009-20011. ‘othello merchant of venice’.
I got to play the scene where Iago has planted the handkerchief of his nemesis in his wife’s hands and he thinks his wife has cheated on him so he kills her. Awesome scene. Wise quote too.
*RE FRESH* If you have a cool quote/proverb/folk tale or anything inspirational or unique you want to share. Pop in in the comments section of this post. I will post it and paste a link directing people to the source of the quote -YOU and YOUR BLOG 🙂