Category Archives: MUSIC

Not your average music reviews

GOAT Feature interview with Hessian


I first came across Hessian’s TOLD YOU-on Soundcloud. I find most of the tracks I’ve listened to of his are transcendental and epic (it wouldn’t fit out of place as a backdrop to a movie.



Hessian is Bristol based electronic music producer. His music is an infusion  of  enigmatic textual soundscapes. Some of his  music has been likened to Bonobo ( ninja tunes records) & Maribou State. 


Who is Hessian?

Matthew de Souza (aka Hessian)



What (if anything inspired) ‘Told you?’

I like to build a solid soundscape before I start arranging anything and this is exactly what I did for ‘Told You’. Once I had got the sounds I was looking for I then started to arrange. A lot of the inspiration came from the vocals I had previously recorded. I love messing around with vocals as they can provide textures that no instruments can.

Where are you from originally?

 Born in Twickenham, London. 

How old are you?



Why do you live in Bristol?  

The music scene in Bristol is amazing and everyone is so welcoming where ever you go. I live on one of the most vibrant roads in Bristol, there is always something exciting happening.

Yeah, The Bristol sound has been quoted as “possessing darkness that is uplifting, a joyful melancholy” 

Random fact:  Trip-hop band, Massive attack member/graffiti artist  – Robert Del Naja hails from Bristol.  



Why do you continue to do music?

I have always been a very creative person and music seems to be the perfect outlet for my creativity.

Music helps me express myself.

If for some reason I end up not composing/producing anything for over a week, I  can definitely feel the difference in myself not being able to release that creative side of me. I am also very interested in finding new and unique ways of making sounds. I don’t think I will ever stop making at least some form of music.


 Have you had another career that wasn’t in the music industry?

No not really, I have always had other small jobs to support my music but never another career.

When/What made you start playing music?

I went to a music specialist school and so from that point I had always been interested in it.



14. How did you get started in the music industry?

After learning the basics of music at school and then music technology at collage, I then went on to complete my degree in Creative Music and Sound Design. From here I learnt about the industry and gained connections enabling me to start my career.

What kind of people connect with you and your music?

 Looking at the statistics on Spotify/instagram and other social media platforms. The majority of my listeners range between 25 and 40 year of age. I think this is because the sound I try to portray is slightly more complex/intricate than your standard house music.


What genres of music do you like/would like  to perform in?

I love to DJ the entire spectrum of electronic music. Taking people on a journey I personally think is very important when performing live. 

Do you write your own music?

Everything I write is my own work.

 What other roles do you play in the industry?

I make a lot of sample packs and background music mainly to help pay the bills but the more connections I can make, the better.

What are you trying to do in the industry?

I have started my own label which I hope in the future will be the hub for all my releases, maybe even some other artists. I don’t like the thought of contracts which essentially gives away the ownership of my work. I want 100% of what I have made and starting my own label is the best way to do so.


What are your view on mental health issues and the music industry? 

I think mental health plays a huge part in every industry but especially the creative industries. The expectation to perform and provide for audiences/fans is becoming more and more demanding and there doesn’t seem to be any more help. Fortunately I have been lucky enough not to experience any mental health issues myself but I know a lot of people that have and it makes a huge difference on that person even when doing the smallest of things. It is different for every person but I think in general it isn’t addressed enough and more should be done about the issue.

Indeed. It seems you have used music as a positive creative outlet.  

MUSIC MINDS MATTER     is a charity for UK musicians /artists mental well being & is worth checking out.

What is your favourite quote?

I don’t actually have a favourite quote. I feel when having a favourite ‘something’, you tend to favour that way of thinking and so I like to leave my mind open and just see what happens

Yeah… I liken it to a “mini” prayer or mantra & I can see why you take such a strong stance on not having a favourite quote. 

What quote/sentence would you say best describes you and your music?

I always struggle to describe my music. I would probably put my music under ‘textural/ambient deep house’. Something like that. Most of the time I just end up showing them and letting them decide.

What are your 3  favourite songs ?

Fwoooah, tricky one. It changes almost ever week as I’m always finding something new that I like. But at the moment I would have to say:

  • Apollo by Tourist

  • Sonnen allee by Ben Bohmer& Hifi Brother (and finally I recently went to see Deadmau5 which brought a lot of love back for him so I’m going to say)

  • 4ware by Deadmau5.

What is your perspective on the current state of the industry?

I personally think that the music industry is one of the most dynamic and adaptive industries out there and if you can stay on top of things and keep with the times then everything will work out fine.

What do you think will help the industry survive/what do you think the industry needs in order to stop its decline?

The only thing I think the industry needs is time to adapt. There is always new companies and start ups pushing new ideas and the full transition form analogue to digital will be a long process. I have no doubt that the industry will survive. The decline will stop once everything else adapts.


 Finally, what are you currently working on?

I am currently working on a new 4 track EP which features a selection of singers. It’s a lot more clubby but still represents my sound and style through the vocals chopping and textural elements.


Hessian’s new EP has dropped. 



#NYAMR Freshard & Stanley Brinks

If you like a to embrace world music  & understand the importance of celebrating different cultures then  I’d definitely recommend Stanley Brink & Freshard.

If you like Tequila sunrises then  this is the kind of gig I’d recommend going to go.

Natural Born story tellers & Travellers & Chanteuses.

Stanley Brinks ( André Herman Düne)  was born in Paris. His lyrics & overall laidback vibe  conjures up feelings about the need for a balanced society who recognise the limits of capitalism & voices a necessary voice for the pros of living with a more socialist outlook ,in terms of  the sub culture & influence it has  on the musical  community

  • Socially
  • Politically
  • Pure entertainment

Music & culture is only good as the people.


Stanley Brinks has  lived and travelled to Berlin,Malta & USA

He has recorded over 100 albums under various different moniker names.

He has  collaborated with the New York   anti folk under ground scene.

This is the second time I’ve seen him collaborate with  the cheeky, pure vocals of Burgundy,France Clemence Freshard, Her effect is to capture the rooms attention (with a ukulele , bass guitar ) ,a day dreamer who knows what a good dose of reality feels like.

These are  necessary voices in the music scene


They highlight the importance of embracing all cultures, keeping an open mind & keeping a level head  if we are to understand the balance linked with  the economy climate  shifts & the impact  it has on  cultures infographics


A Live gigs with down to earth people ,impromptu nights, going with the flow turned into a  great night an anti establishment ,non violent protest to enjoy music without boundaries.

They allow moments to indulge in nostalgia  whilst inviting an audience to question the world we live in.

Check out their new album on Bandcamp



#NYAMR Floating Points

Floating Points has come under my radar recently with

  1. Coorabell- visual & ear galactic delight. It took me three listens to fall in love with the track. I kept coming back to it  Why?  4:21 mins is the moment I fell in love-100%. Sam Bishop (birth name) drops in hard techno yet still maintain the spirit of not becoming lost to the machine of electronic music. Electronic Ambience with a holy mother of God punch.


Turns out Floating points is a Neuroscientist turned D.J.  -(He studied the Neuroscience of pain)  He’s managed to gain respect with the likes of Four tet, Kode 9, and Theo Parrish in the current electronic/EDM movement.

He has a classically trained background he describes as ‘classical, baroque, romantic renaissance’.

He discovered through improvising  & experimenting on the piano  with what he later identified as jazz compositions.  That was how he learned to break the rules.

He cites he was influenced by the  Brazilain sounds of bossa nova of artists such as Gal Costa.

He was challenged to explore electronic music (which didn’t have the instruments such as the clarinet or violin) because the music still moved him.

He describes it as making sense of ‘organised noise’. He started finding music possibilities that he felt in every day, organic  sounds such as being on a train

The second track I listened to of Manchesters, Sam Bishop ( Floating points) was

Les Alpx -The video explodes colours of plasma have a calming effect to contrast to the tempo of the track

I love the energy. It’s bordering hardcore techno yet retains a melody I can relate to

Something I can only refer to as  -the  ‘soul clap’.  I’m not a huge fan of hardcore techno

If a track brings on a feeling resembling the soul clap then that is what usually wins me over.

What I like about his music is that he has insight into how he produces music  – there is a methodical approach creating music with science and using visual media create an immersive experience of sound and using visual imagery to create a space where we can see music. Music that engages multiple sensory stimuli.

I feel like Science x creativity with a touch of esotericism is a perfect equation for experimental music – He named his debut album-  Elaenia. (after having a dream about) a tropical bird.


Genre- Afro Futurism

‘Dub -verb, to make space – COLDCUT A-Z

Remember this track?

When I first heard and watched this video I knew I had come across something cosmic. Something bigger & more striking to any other the song or video I can recall watching at that time. I loved the colours  & the surreal animation.

This was my first introduction to  Afro-Futurism music- the black man’s perspective of science in the future.

Listen up! Lose one sense to finely tune another sense. Time to rely on imagination & see what visuals come up. It’s strange how certain sounds can bring up emotions to identify. I find it harder to identify emotions without a visual. Another post for another time.

This was on my first introduction to Ras G & the Afrikan space program.

I was intrigued by Africa’s space program. Do they have one?

Yes, they do.

More than I thought

South Africa & Nigeria are the few countries who have an actual Afronaut.  Yes,  there are afronauts.

Edward Makuka Nkoloso Initiated a space program involving a lady and two cats travelling to the moon

Sadly, he did not raise the £7 million to achieve his dream.

I have a dream – Martin Luther King.

Not even  Martin’s homies believed that they would ever have a civil right to be a black human being.

Dreams are only goals with no structure.

Knowledge and education and an open mind led to a group of thoughts to come together, united by challenging their beliefs about who they were & what they wanted. THINK TANK often turns into a WAR TANK

We don’t look agree with slavery, do we?

Slaves accepted that they couldn’t achieve what was not even a dream.

Add in a spark of hope and Edwards space program involving sending

two cats to Mars shows me- a man using the tools he has. Logistics are subject to change.

I definitely recommend checking out his Back on the planet album too. (2009)

Though to be honest, I didn’t warm to the entire album initially. I had to get in the zone ( haha!)

I had an invitation to textural soundscapes that put me out of my comfort zone.  Change?  Never!

Open your ears 

open your mind philosophy 

Let’s take a trip somewhere

 You are not in control.

This thought-

Instructions: Just, let go

Led me to listen again & again.

I  admire Ras G’s execution of pushing the boundaries of the sound of all his cultural roots.

The Cosmic vocal samples maintain the essence of Soul & Hip-hop. He creates extraterrestrial sounds revelling in traditional Dub & reggae.

I feel this album is a triumph in not defining itself anything than an exploration of the space between what we hear & what I believe

It is a musical philosophy.  The core idea demonstrates the scattering soundscape of the global communities of Africa.

Ras G adapts the essence of ‘ never forgetting to understand our roots & to grow, breathe new life into old traditions.

Invent new traditions.  Be playful.

I think to the know the future you need to know where you come from.
To have self-identity  -exploration evolves from the seed of History.

Science creates miracles & monsters created by man. People over the history of our lifetime have done atrocious acts in the name of Aquisition of power & wealth. The cost is humanity.

The cost is a barren crop.

Nurture Life
Mother nature

This album is or dedication to the Afro-futurism genre.

“The womb is The Stargate of Humanity,” he says. “Stargate Music is a record that I livicated to the Womb-man … to the Vagina, The Stargate from which beings emanate life on this planet. I gathered these sound pieces and presented them as a reflection of the life cycle of beings on this planet.”

Ras G is an abstract thinker. I’m closer to understanding what he is doing with music- genres & sub-genres. I’m surprised & impressed.  I suggest listening to this album & getting a new perspective.

What’s the worst that can happen?
You don’t like it?
You find out something new about life?
Or yourself?

Los Angeles based music producer Ras G ( Gregory shorter Junior) & the African space program passed away on 06/08/2109. The is a cause of death is not fully know

He travelled in his mind & I had an invite. Stream of consciousness is my preferred style of travelling.

What is afro-futurism in music culture?

Afrofuturism: reimagining science and the future from a black perspective. … In the way that film noir functions as a genre, or jazz as a musical style, Afrofuturism are a philosophy that can be simultaneously obvious and vague in its identity, bounded and porous in its edges.

The Guardian

Once I started researching into Ras G & Afro-Futurism I’m immersed in researching it outside of music too.

An intriguing article to read is CULTURE: Afrofuturism reimagining science & the future from a black perspective

A few well-known Afrofuturism artists are

I love this statement below because life is colourful -Black & White shades, not hues.

Music can make you engage & think.

Afro-futurism is evidently more than a style or genre of music it is an ideology. It has been noted that Afro-futurism dismissed and challenged the idea that all things futuristic are white or even black.

The album is abstract & challenging without being overly nostalgic.
There are often many moments when the soundscape or rhythm propels my emotions to flit between the past & the future. The journey is Marvel -esque.

Black Panther!

GOAT drop bahs not bombs

Tonight’s #notyouraverage music review  was produced by Parisian based music label, Nouvelle Ambiance (known for celebrating cultural & musical collaborations)  

It merges Kenyan, Arabic &  Egyptian culture & traditional musical percussion instruments, drums and vocals to create a 15-minute soundscape that is just dope.  

The track ‘Mabomba dance’ took my soul on a  cosmic journey, so hypnotic that my feet & body were charmed into a dalliance on an otherworldy dancefloor.  The only thing missing was me wearing a goat fur Kondo headpiece.   (Maybe not) 😀

STRANGE  TRIVIA: the Kondo is part of the traditional Kenyan attire to don when dancing to the Nyatiti (plucked Kenyan lyre).

The entire EP ‘ Wolf Muller meets the Nile project’ is G.O.A.T. -it is music that is in a league of its own.

It was recorded in the Egyptian city of Aswan, by Jan Schulte (Wolf Müller & Bufiman) & Kenyan and Egyptian musicians Kasiva Mutua, Rapasa Nyatrapasa Otieno and Adel Mekha.


Wolf Müller meets the Nile Project by Wolf Müller meets the Nile Project


NYA Music Feature: Corky Traxman Strong

A man not afraid to express his emotions (as difficult as it may be at times) & talk about music, politics, beliefs, values & his future aspirations. Interview further down.


I had a crazy phone interview (covering so many topics) with, Corky strong Traxman. He  explained  how his two biggest influences –US Garages, Larry Lavin and Chicago’s Frankie knuckles shaped his own musical style as one of the co-founders of the footwork genre community. 


Larry Levin quick started a whole new genre to electronic music -blending Latin -Spanish Harlem, hip hop & underground disco music in New York that would inspire Frankie knuckles to salvage disco in Chicago with the techniques he learned off  Lavin in New York.


He dared to play & remix songs other D.J.’s were afraid to play.

This was the early 80’s when Chicago radio declared :

‘Disco music is a disease -It is a disco dystrophy’ 

Some of this prejudice against disco was due to the transgender scene that Lavin flouted. Radio wasn’t ready to put gay black music on the airwaves.

So the warehouse with Frankie Knuckles at the helm, became for many of the Chicago dance community another place to socialise with like-minded souls. It was referred to as a house. Or church.

Disco has its revenge -Frankie’s knuckles

Frankie & the Chicago underground music scene tried to preserve disco & created a new sound ‘chicago acid house’

To understand corky’s music style we have to delve into history.

Soul, dance & technology created a new hybrid.

When you try to kill something, it goes underground & comes back harder the early 80’s 

Corky had the opportunity to embrace both music scenes


It was a very diverse scene my uncle had a girlfriend whose brother was openly gay in the early ’80s and they used to go to the warehouse on the martian circuit. We had Spanish Harlem.

Did you ever get caught up in drug scene -ecstasy vibe?

I’ve never done ecstasy.

As a kid, I didn’t experience or witness hard drugs. It was 1981. There were big parties but I was too young, y’ know. Then when I hit 13 years old I became the curious DJ I met up with

Slick Rick  the masters ( the American music producer )  

Steve p .and through dance mania (records) in 1984, and that’s when we  got a taste for the party scene

Corky was signed up to the dance mania label  ( founded by Jesse James in 1985) 

In 1987 the door opened and I met up with slick rick the master. And a body down the projects called DJ. Funk 1 * (check ref ) we hung out at the Jam House (and) Gerald did something we’d never seen before. He used a cassette machine to make our own beats. One track was Sleazy Dee’s ‘Loss of control’. and another  THEN  one of the U.K. music house hits was ‘No way back traxman 

Corky was a co-founder of TEK LIFE (Top 50 Rolling Stones magazine in EDM music for 2017 ( album insert)  – reviving the footwork era -( CSTraxman has a varied & insane knowledge about music and genres. So what inspired to become a part of The footwork genre with  (the deceased) D.J. Rashed? 

TO understand music sometimes you have to know the history, then you can appreciate it more and give it a try.

What have you been able to do with music and your vocation /career  

Think of another word?

I’ve now got my own label – Music chicago -we – Rob ( muffled sounds in the back ground) -our distributor in Germany open it so that we had the freedom to make our own choices. 

Corky lists his other influences as the Hotmix five 

Delving into politics ( music & politics are inseparable for those who have something to say or something they believe in) – reword 


So what do you make of Trump?

Trump doesn’t concern us -African people, you know… What he is doing to us -he is not doing anything to us that hasn’t been done before.

What about Obama? 

Fuck Obama! (laughs).He did something for the American people & the minorities. He didn’t do anything for the Black people…. Obama gave no tangibles 

(asked to elaborate)

The black people wanted 365 days of Free labour back?


How do you think that is going to happen? 


I dunno a grassroots campaign (gives example) Hold your own nuts , you know.. Don’t do harm to children & babies & that’s it. 


What Kind of people do you think are drawn to your music?

I dunno, Normal people-you don’t have to be white or black or transgender. 

Corky’s biggest base is in Japan and when I asked him what genres of music were popular there he said:

It’s not just footwork & Juke . They are massively into reggae & beats like that.

To follow is our  conversation about a suicidal kid in Phoenix,U.S.A .

Check him out on Bandcamp below.


GOAT Coldcut

Coldcut -English electric trio (making electronic music for 30 years.)

This was the first U.K. act to release a sample-based record.

It’s so fine!

Its a mash-up of  James Brown, Public enemy ‘you’re gonna get yours’,

There are so many awesome samples. I can’t name them all.


  • The good the bad & the ugly

  • Grandmaster Flash -the message.

  • I wanna be like you  -monkey song( classic sample)It all dope & fits with the sunny weather in the U.K.


I had to go check out  & their website states that the entire track contains 35 song samples.  Bwahaha!



They went on to do another track called ‘Beats and Pieces’ that samples Vivaldi (if you are into call centre music – just kidding)

GOAT Jon Wayne

American rapper, poet and record producer from Los Angeles JonWayne -not your usual hip hop suspect.

‘My words are my only thing‘ reminds me of the saying I use a lot ‘write to recover’.

His emotional connection to his words and his passion are relatable & inspiring.

The Intro immerses you into a dream state with mesmerizing percussion instrumentals

Looking at this non-stereotypical wordsmith:

A long-haired, casual, big man definitely stirred up my judgments.

How good is he going to be?

Jon Wayne has an effortless dope flow and on point rhyming.

This track ( taken from his ‘Rap album 2, 2017) is a personal narrative documenting his rise in the hip hop industry.

He decided at an early age that if he “made it” he would revel in the hip hop music fame lifestyle.

as he raps

life’s too short for modesty.

This album is an album that “saved” Jon Wayne’s life as he was a full-blown alcoholic before he wrote this album. It is a product and a process of how he recovered from drinking.

the instrumentals layered under Jon Wayne’s beats and bars immerse you into his world of how he made it & he backs up his more bold lyrics with introspective lyrics that reveals how his experiences & character are informed.

The song is structured as a chronological timeline of his experiences. It is like a spoken word diary.

His lyrics have a bite to them that doesn’t come across as ostentatious (it may help that he looks like a big cuddly brother or friend)

2006 Dilla died and i was living off his gift

His candour & his ability to relate his experiences in a way that establishes what he wants to do in hip hop shows an endearing vulnerability. He is not afraid to state he promised himself that he would “body shit” ( and embrace his career ) if he became successful.

There is a depth to his lyrics and style of raping that reveals someone who is not going to take his career or life for granted and will embrace all of it. He will even revel in his alter ego because of how far away he veered from being in a position to be so philosophical, and existentialist about expressing himself.

I wrote my poems so I could stay in my zoneThinking: Why go to church if I feel God in my home?Maybe, I write because I’m feeling odd in my bonesAnd when I exorcise this demon I’m not thinking of those

His soothing, smooth easy style of emceeing unravels a personal and autobiographical narrative. He raps so eloquently about ideas beyond his rise to the music industry that he is 100% G.O.A.T.

Big up to credible talent showing the best of the talent on the west coast of contemporary hip hop artists

#NYA GOAT Baco Rhythm &Steel band

I seem to be drawn to the chilled out vibes in music this week. The cha cha cha chang  (?) of this song is soulful, laced with moments of winding funk beats which lend it a cool, fleshed out tune. Sometimes, I enjoy listening to a bit of instrumental hiphop/triphop/ soul /funk. Instrumental music is cool to chill out to.

The saxophone gives the A-side a G-funk delight.

Is that even a music term?

I guess it is now.  😀

This is the first song I’ve heard of the BACO RHYTHM & STEEL BAND.

So it’s great they’ve got a B-side to sample.


On the B side, they have done a rework of Mobb Deep’s hit with the same name. In fact, the B-side has gone straight into my playlist. I adore sounds that immerse cultures and flaunt a multitude of sounds. This has a real Bhangra, anime, Bolly wood espionage feel. It’s playful and seriously cool. Bangerz delight.

For those of you who want to hear Mobb Deep’s ordinal song ‘Burn’ – yeah, they’ve done the song justice. It’s sweet!

Finally, to round up this post, if I may… I wish to impart and depart (lol)with a few words

.I always want to be successful in whatever I’m doing just like everyone else. I want to get it right. I want to see my “5-year GOAL/PLAN” results from the day I have an idea to do something different with my blog or with my Life.

It is cool to not have everything figured from the initial conception. Be cool with that and enjoy the process.

Every day is not going to be a day where we feel we have hit our creative goals.

Great or small.

Sometimes it’s cool to break down a big dream in to smaller chunks. Count all your achievements -great and small

Hit play!

Have a great day!



I’d be letting myself down if I didn’t post about my  Eating disorder or mental illness or if I didn’t write about my body image issues.

I shouldn’t be alive. I’ve been in & out of hospitals sectioned, medicated, threatened with E.C.T. therapy, my Dad didn’t want to care for me  & asked social services to get involved in my life. I had other family members who loved me more & didn’t think that is what families do to their children.

I am still alive (obviously). I wish that kids could learn about body image & emotional intelligence at school.

Body Image is the mental picture you have of your body. It includes attitudes and feelings about how you look & how you think other people see you.

Hosted by the Mental Health Foundation, Mental Health Awareness Week 2019 will take place from Monday 13 to Sunday 19 May 2019. The theme for 2019 is Body Image – how we think and feel about our bodies.

Body image issues can affect all of us at any age. During the week we will be publishing new research, considering some of the reasons why our body image can impact the way that we feel, campaigning for change and publishing practical tools.

My stepfather used to tell me I was fat & would eat sweets & cake in front of me. He was a bastard for many more reasons than that….

People with HEALTHY Body Image…
▪ Accept bodies come in different shapes and sizes.  ( I accept that as long as it doesn’t affect me)
▪ Know there are good things about their bodies. ( sure- legs……….)
▪ Are comfortable with their bodies.  (Most of the time I wish I could swap heads with someone for peace of mind)
▪ Are critical of the ‘ideal’ body seen in the media. (Yes

People with UNHEALTHY Body Image…
▪ May think a lot about how they see themselves or how they think others see them
▪ Maybe uncomfortable with their bodies. (I’m not shy just aware of it).

I found  Sa Roc when I was going through another post-suicide blues.

I’m also inspired by her courage to talk about her own self harm & body issues

I dealt with feeling inadequate or less worthy because I didn’t fit conventional standards of what was considered beautiful,” Sa-Roc explains to HipHopDX. “There was also a lot of unexpressed anger and pain that I didn’t feel comfortable or courageous enough to share with my loved ones, so I took it out on myself.

I  identified with her honesty & her strength, and her vulnerabilities.


Because she emcees about how much trauma she went through & thinks that as an artist she needs to empower women especially in the one-dimensional world we live on social media. She has her own style &  doesn’t conform to any style but her own. She has a message. She wants other women to feel free & she wants to break the discrimination of men in the industry dismissing talented & credible female emcees.

People forget that women have been instrumental in Hip Hop since its inception,” she says. “Most of us are really familiar with the early male Hip Hop icons and pioneers, but women have been present and just as instrumental since the beginning. One of those women, who my name actually pays homage to, is Sha-Rock.


Her album is a personal inspection of how her experiences and childhood shaped her personal views.

Sa Roc is in a league of her own because she wants other women to feel empowered and to be self-defined on their terms.

I look to the past a lot.

And worry about the future.

I lived in other homes though I had a home.

I was lost.

I was dying.

I survived.

I’ve looked to others for approval to my detriment.

I’ve turned away from people who put me down.

I’ve been fighting an eating disorder-Anorexia since I was 5 years old. It is a chronic illness & I have a Bipolar & Emotionally unstable Personality disorder too.

But I think I just had a very mixed up childhood & responded to trauma by turning on myself. I had a lot of love and a lot of craziness.

I love my family.

I’ve erased /dissociated from my memories of the past. I have huge gaping holes of cosmic proportions. I have blacked out so much.

I’ve been in many hospitals for suicide attempts mine or watched family close to me harm themselves others, Sectioned many times, I’ve been drugged by doctors, men, myself.

It doesn’t make me a victim. I know how hard I fight with my thoughts every second of the day.

I too live with my guilt

I have moments when I Think I’m worth it. 😉

I can’t seem to confirm. Even when I try……

I always get back up after getting knocked down.

Sa Roc is proud of her African heritage &  she embraces it.

I am not a black African, I am a white South Africa. Lived there for many years.

I was from the pre &  post-apartheid era.  I mixed with as many cultures as I came across. There are many.

I’ve seen a lot of gun crime – had one pointed to my head, seen my mates owing money to drug dealers with guns, I’ve met diamond smugglers & nearly ended up dead. I almost lost my life to living with Niagarians. Attending to the bar & getting addicted very quickly. I’ve had Mandrax dealers set a dog on me.  I’ve just seen a lot of guns. South Africa, yaar?

I have regrets ( I’m working to not dwell on them)

I dig the chorus cos it lends the tune a bit of soul.

I’ve starved myself physically, emotionally & spiritually

The chorus is like a mantra I  sing to trick myself into believing a lot.

I love stars (even if they are dying)

I’ve self-harmed in so many ways -self-harm, knives, drugs,  toxic people…

I was advised by my doctor & professionals to have an abortion in 2010. I regret my actions though I know I did the right thing.

I went on to have my daughter who will be 8 in October.

I’ve had many break downs and I’m still here.

I’ve fought many people & gained strong allies too.

I’m on a spiritual journey not religious.

My eating disorder consumes me.

I too don’t know what I would do if I could reverse time?

I have experienced a  life that many people wouldn’t believe if I told them.

I’ve had gold teeth 😀

I love the drumming bit in 3.18 min ( What a #goatbah)

She’s got gumption.

Listen more………. 😀

Read in between the lines

A few years ago (when I was in college) I tried to make money & raise awareness of my eating disorder by sharing my story with a scrupulous magazine. ( many years ago) & all my words, my moms were distorted.

I was naive. Don’t buy into any one’s media hype if it makes you feel shit about yourself.

The article ended up pitting me & my Mom against one another.

I don’t believe my Mom made me anorexiC Be careful of what the media is doing and how it wants to portray people. Sensationalised bullshit.

First of all, I have never called my Mom – ‘mum’.

If they can twist words then they can make us want to look like people who don’t even exist.

I hate being skinny but I love the security it gives me.

I hate being hungry & I hate feeling full.

Mum made me an Anorexic.     

Nobody talks like this and these are not my written words!

I’m glad I wrote these words.

#NYA GOAT Elderbrook


Today’s #notyouraveragemusic review

Stopped everything I’m doing to post this track. It’s catchy. I first heard it back in 2018. Its got an almost haunting & entrancing introduction. When the intro kicks in with Elderbrook hypnotic chorus

‘If you wanna switch off you could’

You know you are going to be engaged from the start till the end.

 describing   his approach to the  music production process

Phonetics are as important as lyrics. My voice adds another important harmonic element to the sounds

It’s a mesmerizing song.  I love the repetition of words  & their apparent simplicity.  Hypnotic. It’s downtempo/ambient with a twist. The bridge chorus chants toying with your ears & soul.

The clicking sample has  ( is there an official term for this? )   adds an organic feel to this track  & fits with the harmony & lyrics. It’s GOAT.

Inherently, Elderbrook enjoys creating samples from simple sounds

two examples are, Breaking his reading glasses and the crackling of ice in a hot cup of coffee.

” I often bang the table I’m sat at, sample it and use that as my drums

It’s a sweet little find. The video is A Vincent van Gogh painting come to life. A paradox of a song- You can switch off to this yet still remain critically engaged. Who can switch off when someone is telling them too? Reverse psychologically 101?

Who is Elderbrook? British musician, producer & all-around Creativist, Alexander Kotz.

He’s relatively new on the electronic scene. His musical background started at 16 when he joined a folk/ indie band.

He initially wanted to explore the more soulful sounds of hip hop. This song captures the essence of gospel