Many of you may of heard of PROJECT SEMI COLON for those who haven’t, there does not have to be a full stop;
The organization explained the significance of this particular punctuation, writing “[a] semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.” Since its beginning in 2013, Project Semicolon has gained worldwide attention and support, with the semicolon tattoo spreading in solidarity.
*PLEASE TAKE NOTE THE CONTENT I HAVE WRITTEN IN THIS POST IS SUSCEPTIBLE TO SUDDEN CHANGE BECAUSE OF COURSE I AM MENTALLY CHALLENGED*
I realise I haven’t really written much on my mental health issues of late. I find it a bit un balanced that I only talk about the shit days and not the good days. Maybe some of you will go
“oh she isn’t struggling BORING! time to move on to the next post”. That is cool but I feel there is a need for this post to explain how things are for me.
My illnesses have not gone away. They haven’t been cremated and gathered up. Taken up by the wind- dispersed to all four corners of the globe.
and West. I would love that to happen. If I was an artist I think that image could make an epic drawing or painting. My illnesses are still here.
I still have more thoughts about my weight than I do about my own wedding.
I still weigh myself a couple of times a day
I still deprive myself of certain foods.
I still exercise even when my body needs the rest.
I still think people are looking a my perceived flaws when they may just be listening to me speak.
I have found out a secret. My Grandad did this all his life and he was a mostly successful business man.
SECRET: When talking with people the best way to connect in a conversation is with eye contact. Seems obvious,right.?
“WHAT DOES DAISY MEAN? ” a shrug of the shoulders both palms open, pushing upwards
True eye contact that makes that spark. Similar to the one you use naturally when you meet someone new who you think,
Mmmmmmh yeah this person can put his/her shoes under my bed ANY DAY!
Don’t confine this look just to the people you want to screw or make love to or marry . Use it all the time.
Unless you are having a shit day then, by all means opt out.
This effort to spark a connection makes the other person realise that you see them as a person not just some guy who is at the check out counter helping you with your groceries, or that person who serves you a coffee.
It is a powerful tool, Rasputin didn’t do to bad. I’m not saying I can hypnotize people. Although that is pretty cool.
It is a look that urges people to engage and to reveal information about themselves.
A couple years back,I went to a live hypnotist show -another day -another blog. I can’t be hypnotised btw .
Okay,so back to my mental health. So why no huge blips?
I haven’t drunk alcohol since New years eve. I think this helps keep my moods in check and gives the meds I am on a better chance to do the job..
I’m still saying my mantras- constantly.
Before each work out, I go right up close to the mirror in my lounge and I peer into my eyes and give myself THE GOOD TALK. I usually get a little thought that comes from almost out of my mind that says,
You don’t look like you have convinced yourself . Ah ,if only I could hypnotize myself.
The point is, I try to big myself up instead of bullying myself.
I give myself small goals to achieve and look forward to; next week I am having a tattoo done. I am beyond excited about. I’ve been saving up and waiting for the day to come for three months!
I’ve not been spending loads of time dribbling over FB and hitting the scroll down arrow for hour after monotonous hour . Oh shit, maybe FB is the only thing that can hypnotise me? That is fucking terrifying. One reason I don’t watch T.V. -I read, I do watch movies and series. I don’t want to be a victim of Huxley’s ‘Brave new world’ of what the perfect society looks like.
Communication. I communicate my feelings. I don’t hide it all away from my family. If I have a panic attack I ask for a hug, I ask someone to help me in a way that I can help myself.
I don’t over- commit myself to events that I may not be able or want to fulfil. I say NO -a lot. I am an extrovert when I go out into the world but when I am around too many people for too long I became drained. When I give myself to people. I give my full attention. So, I then become an introvert for a bit because I need a lot of alone time to build myself back up.
I blog. All this has helped me naturally want to write about other shit. How lame and depressing it be to read about all my troubles?
Day in and Day out. When you read that last sentence try and picture a buoy bobbing up an down in the ocean. That’s all it does. How many times are you going to want to look at that image when you are at the ocean?
When there are ship wrecks to discover, colourful fish to photograph , clear white powdery beach sand grains gently ex foliating your feet, lots of tanned people smiling (because they are not in the U.K.)
I jest. I jest. I don’t. I would rather hand your the shot gun myself and help you squeeze the trigger.
I also have a sense of humour. I give my time to the people and causes I WANT to.
If there is any statement that can sum up this post it is:
I am Daisy.A living breathing component in this world,
‘I am not my labels’.
I do not want to breathe life into them and inflate them. I don’t want a collection of blow up dolls of my illnesses ,thanks. I’m trying to go for the minimalist look here.
That is it. No magic just appreciating the good times.
Some THINGS we can change by effort
Some THINGS we can’t change
Some THINGS we have to wait a bit until we can change
THREE THINGS I AM GOOD AT
INSPIRATION FOR CELEBRATING BEING UNIQUE………..
DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT YOU CAN CHANGE AND WHAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF?
WHAT THREE THINGS ARE YOU GOOD AT?
(All pictures sourced from Google images)
‘Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.’ –Janis Joplin
Got to live up to my reputation for being brutally honest, right? I had another post in mind -the second part of BREAKING THE CYCLE But, that can wait. I feel so low. I know I post mostly positive posts and come across as having my shit together. I do, most of the times. I can’t pretend that in the couple of months, something has shifted in me. It’s been big enough to derail me – the crustal plates in my mind and body have moved too much and too soon. I have to lean on something to stop me from falling, falling to where? and on what? What if I just fall and never stop. How does it feel? I sit back. It’s gnarls at my insides. I have to remind myself to ex pull the carbon monoxide out with each breathe.
Why now? I have so much to live for , to be happy for. Is this the nature of mental illness? My inner Iago is a great trickster -it can make the most amazing opportunities, experiences that are going to happen or are happening seem like a mirage. It loves to betray me. It loves to jinx me. It loves to beat me. I know it is him but he is good at hiding.
He is a sly and duped my lazy /starved neurotransmitters to believing that they can’t take one tiny step over, from one synapse, to another.
COURAGE YOU IDIOTS!
Man up! I’m on enough pills. I should be a a billion dollar comedian with all the serotonin and dopamine whizzing round my brain.
I had a full blown panic attack this morning, I had to ask G to come upstairs and hold me. This has worked before. I then got up and cleaned up and hit the gym. That helped but it came back with reinforcements. So ,picture me mentally rummaging around my wellness tool box to find the right tool to smooth over the gravely bits. The ones that live between my ribs – that defy gravity..
It’s not my heart racing, it’s that space high up in the middle of my first four ribs. It’s like every breath I take is halved- stolen. I have the need to break free, to implode- no, explode from this human body of mine and let the energy disperse. It won’t leave willingly. I need to pick up my sharpest knife ,slice my self open and let all the carnival loose.
The freaks can’t stay. I want to accept them but they repulse me. I am scared if they stay within me, I may become them and I will feel this way forever.
I’m just speed typing. Loads of errors. I’m hoping I can write myself out of a panic attack. Nothing else seems to have worked.. I am trying to take the least amount of medication as possible.
I’m due to have a Skype call with a lady who will be making my bejewelled bouquets in 20 minutes. I need to send the freaks on errands
Legless man – go and find a pair.
Fortune teller – read up on everyone’s star signs- dust off your glass ball. Go find some mystery somewhere else.
Obese lady- waddle down the lane and get some organic shit down your pipe hole- and make sure you stop by the pastry shop. Hopefully you will be to full to waddle back
Claw hand man – practice jerking off and walking sideways – right , no just a bit more to the right, oops, sorry! I didn’t see the cliff.
ALL OF YOU – I MEAN EVERYONE. VACATE. THE CARNIVAL HAS SHUT DOWN.
They beg me. They have nowhere else to go. Pleading, I can’t turn my eyes away from despite them their defects. I look at them. How can I leave them stranded with nobody to want them and nowhere to go?
So I write. I tell them I need to cool off. I need them to just go and find something to do and they can come back once I’ve had time to be alone. Once I find peace. Once I can breathe again. I could never make them homeless.
They are freaks. Yes, they scare me but they are my freaks. sometimes they listen to me and respect me.Let me feel a bit of peace. They come back quieter now and get on with preparing for the next show. I jut need to reign them in every now and then.
It’s going to be all right. Order has been restored. I write to live- I write for peace.
I am .
I am …
and that is good enough.
I have been quiet on the WRAP front – wellness recovery action plan . Only for the reason I knew this testimonial video would be available for YOU and others who want to take their life in their hands and have a plan for if it all goes down the toilet. Eeeugh!
Anyway here it is. I think it will have more of a powerful effect on those of you who do decide to watch it. Instead of me waffling about it over 12 weeks on camera. If you want to to do WRAP and are not in a physical place close to where I live. You can still do it via my WRAP page. No costs – for free. Or you can go to the founder of Mary Ellan Copeland and pay for the various material (if it is not free) that can be found on this website. It all about you. It is all about what you want to get out of it.
I have found out so much about myself and what I am like, what I enjoy, what makes me happy, what keeps me well, what works, what doesn’t work, what I want people in my life to do if I have a melt down.
So, I ended 2015 in a state of stupefied drunk despair. Regretting every action I committed on New years eve. Just over one month has passed. I’ve kept far away from the alcohol. I had my dip with my Anorexia. February life has started to pick up where I left it in December.
Waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care!
I’m gaining my self-confidence back. My diary is filling up – idle hands hands all that jazz. The wedding is coming together. I’m am delighted and a tad ‘on edge’ at the same time.
Positive people are gravitating towards me again. To say I have to peel myself from the roof is an understatement. Lionel Richie and me are busting out some moves on the ceiling. Oh yeah, baby. Has anyone ever seen him being interviewed? He is such a dick head! There is no way someone like him could write such beautiful songs. Who remembers ‘Ballerina girl’ ? Google him in an interview and then you will get it.
I am doing my -co -production awareness training work shop on the 16/02. All of these workshops brings me closer to getting the Eating disorder recovery group up and running. As a person in active recovery from an Eating disorder, to be able to realise this and watch it germinate and blossom like a flower 😀 and be a huge part of the process off it-is like -not being God- no, I am not Kanye Wet ( Yes, I will keep that last spelling error) delusional. It’s more self-validating. What I mean by that is,it shows I am on a good path. A well lit path . Like this dude. There is light in my hands I am responsible for keeping that light going and I am in charge of where I end up. Does that make sense?
I’ve recently posted some seriously depressing posts and I will continue to share my past with you; but their needs to be some writing room to rollick in the present. I need to feel the quiver of fluttering,
the beating of butterfly wings, reminding myself I am indeed alive and have purpose. I think my posts need a bit of balance. I don’t know if I am the only person -I suspect I am not. I sometimes finish writing posts that send me lunging backwards to my past and I am reaching out for the Diazepam- I can have full blown panic attack.
The cure? ( Great band. wrong context- or is it?)
Stop writing Daisy.
No! I won’t!
I have a purpose.
I am a human being.
I have a story to tell.
A past, a me right now and a bright and vibrant future.
Without me trying to get all Disney ‘Lion king’ on you (cue African music that makes the heart swell); I believe our life and experiences are full circle. Sometimes you are at the top and then inevitably you need to go round that circle. Of course, there will be many times when you are at the bottom. I always say
‘Look for the silver lining’.
That is my way of saying: I and you will come full circle again (eventually) . We all will get to the top of that circle of life again. The only thing I can’t tell predict is how long it will take to come full circle.
I have this belief, that if I use my time at the bottom of the circle, productively and push ahead and not do too much damage interfering with the flow. Then, I won’t slow down the time scale it takes to get back to the top again. I need to learn the lesson, feel the pain or whatever happens but I must move on. Easy words to type. Harder to put in action. However it is possible.
Possible is all I need to hold onto and go and do great things..
To get off the whole philosophy band wagon. My man and his rumbustious friends 😉 are coming round to ours for ‘SUPER BOWL 2016’ night. It is a tradition in our home. I don’t want to watch a bunch of dudes watching a another bunch of dudes ‘tackling’ and touching up one another. I DO want to know who is doing half time this year.
I don’t know if anyone saw Katy Perry and her foam mascot sharks last year?
So here is to a fresh new week. (Great shit is happening. Everything is coming together, not at the pace or even exactly how I plan it to go, but that’s cool with me. Stuff is getting done!
My mantra, I have used for a few months now is working. Mantras work! Mine is:
‘I am a success in everything I do’ –
I’m fulfilling my thoughts- the ‘mini-like prayers’ that I tell myself. Find one that resonates with you. It works! I am the most analytical person I know – I wouldn’t lie to you .
Time to buzz off and get reading some of your awesome blogs and thoughts. Word reader is a bit crap. I don’t ever get to see all the posts that I follow. I don’t know if anyone else has the same problem but I will read as many as I can.