She bares all she can bear

Nothing is holding my interest today.. I feel sad, empty, confused.

Confused because I should be anything but these dreaded feelings…

Here are all the amazing things going on that I SHOULD be happy about

  • I’m considering topping up my BA with a masters in Creative writing because I can. Well, I will fund it but I can write. Some people have no limbs and wish they could write!

  • I get love and hugs from my partner and my daughter all the time.

  • I’m moving forward slowly but surely with the volunteering. In two weeks time, I’m doing a 4 day facilitating course to help mental health service users- One step closer to getting the Eating disorder group up and running.  Gaining more and more experience and knowledge

  • I am fit. Healthy. My body is neither thin nor fat. It is in good shape.

  • I have friends and family to. I don’t have loads of friends but the ones I do. I treasure.

    I got my tattoo cover up done yesterday and it is colourful and bright just like my future and my true personality. I’ve waited three months for my slot too come up to get it done.

    My Ma is pulling out every stop you can think of to make sure I have the fantasy wedding that I never even dreamed about.

Brain’s suddenly stopped. What else is going on?

Oh yes, this . My blog. It’s growing as I too grow and find  new interests. I feel  more supported as each day comes to a close and it is blanketed,lulled into a cozy slumber.Stillness. Time to rest.

Why isn’t this enough?

Why in the back of my head do I turn away from my family and go inwards and inwards and inwards -spiralling around and around and around, until I am  at the centre of my own lonely self?

Not even a flower to show for it. Not even a weed!

I look down

No, I’m the fucking weed! I’m scared I am losing my mind…

Why does the thought of organising my wedding feel like a cold pail bucket of ice water thrown over me?

Why do my thoughts tell me that my husband- to- be -doesn’t love me?

No, that is not entirely accurate. He  sees..

He sees flaws!

Flaws that he never saw before. That he refused to see?

REPULSIVE ONES!

Why don’t I give enough love to my daughter?

Why do I continue to compare my life to others when we are all so different? Not necessarily better.

Different.

Unique ,right?

Why do I feel stupid when I am not? My hobbies , the things I think about…

..all point to someone with some degree of intelligence and to up the dramatics of this post; I have  a never ending warrior- like  cry, yearning for more learning and understanding?

Why do I allow myself to let people who I knew years ago,  make or break my day,with the thoughts I think that they think about me?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

Why do I feel guilty for having a non- workout day? One day. .

Why can’t I be enthusiastic?

Why am I so hard on myself?

I torture myself with my mind. I’m losing my mind. This time I don’t want to. I’m conscious  this time..

Not good enough. Never good enough.

Whatever I do – whenever I succeed,

I go on a brief high and then comes the

THUD.

My body remembers it has to conform to gravity. Bloody bollocks to that.

I compare myself to other peoples successes and  how they look and that –

That,is when I feel my mood gets to the point where I want to be numb.

No, that is only temporary. Numbness inevitably always wears off.

I want to trade my body,mind and life with another!

What am I saying? these words…

My body is beautiful!

My soul ,

my life is simple, magical and it is mine. No. I won’t let these thoughts taunt me. They know my emotional IQ is below average. A lot of my emotions all feel the same.

For the record ,I don’t need more therapy.

I just need to let go and identify my feelings. My thoughts chase after them,around the twisted turns and corridors of my mind.

Ghostly faces and limbs,

missing.

  Gaping black ,open mouthed  monsters.  No teeth – not one glimmer. A glimmer would mean that  their is hope to escape them.

Only darkness- they want to swallow me and keep me in that pit of darkness.

Blacked out blinds and windows. Some rooms in my mind have been better refurbished than others.

No light bulbs – not even a match or a candle…..

They have burned the last of my light,

 my books – my precious books, that helped me connect to my emotions,illuminated my mind.

They  helped me navigate my emotions in the darkness, grasping  onto the ball of string.  Unravelling,

Unravelling  the one thought that can help me exit this existence  –

Possibly.

Possibly, I can get back on top of that mountain and inhale the pure air. Allow the mist to cloak me in  happiness and success again.

Maybe then,

Then I could see my self as enough -all of  the time.

I could see myself the way some people in my life describe me!

How many contradictions can my mind have? I AM GOING INSANE!

NO,I AM GOOD ENOUGH. one sharp intake of breath. Mine.

a pause,

longer;

 No sound. I scream louder and louder – some kind of  jaded sorcery  has stolen-

Stolen my voice, my light, my smile, my..

My me.

NO! I WANT WHAT IS MINE!

I don’t even know how I feel about this post. Wait!

My useless words feel inadequate,  my sappy command of the the English language is that of some cursed simpleton that everyone avoids.

I’m not vain! I know beauty fades.. Insecurity is unattractive…

I do love to laugh.

I love cuddles.

So it all boils down to my words. This.

This post! … lost… trying so hard to be a writer and have I succeeded?

NO!   (wait there is a whisper, faint ever so faint)

yes.. yes yes you have- because ,

because I am being true to myself.

I am honouring my feelings- the ones that lack an IQ.

I’m trying to give them the only  chance  they have, to get into the newly built safe- house. Built higher up , into the  low beamed attic of my mind.Steep. small stairs  to climb.

I have a key. I can’t go on too much about it. The other thoughts will try  mix me up and I will forget.

Yes,  I lost it- it was dark but I think  can find it…

I will find it.

Yes, we will be safe … until I figure out where the hell to put  my emotions

Run! NO -Fight… Fight.

write and write and write and write …

write, because it is the only thing that is keeping me safe. The only thing that gives me hope; is that this melancholic garbage- this freaky house  of a  mind of mine , invaded with – haunting, damning  thought- squatters, will pass.

SSSHHHHHHHHHHH!

The other thoughts have super keen hearing.  Hold my breathe.Hold yours. Hold it!

Erase what I told you from your mind.

ERASE IT!

please…..

Wait.  Okay..

The safe house if I find the key . I have access to light .

Well one lighter,

and,

A safe full of explosives.

I will exterminate them from their favourite breeding grown. My fucking home!

“Here little critters, come out , come out -let’s play dangerous” Can you hear them scuttle, their  hard shelled cockroaches clicking. Their preferred form.

No more.

No more hiding in the dark.

I need to go.

I need to find that key.

Draw a fine line and tell me what side my mind is on.

EVENTUALLY…………

“Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose’ Janis Joplin

 Today is the first anniversary  of my Aunts death.

Long  story short: Mid June 2014 She moved to Costa Rica to work. For the 5 months she was there she suddenly couldn’t breathe. The doctor said she had COPD and that she needed to carry a portable oxygen machine with her at all times.

She came back to the U.K. and was admitted into hospital. She was in hospital for nearly 2 months being poked and prodded. The doctors didn’t think it was COPD. It transpired that she had fluid in her lungs.

I don’t know if you know the procedure for draining the fluid but I want to tell you so you can understand how  brave my Aunt was.

They cut open a hole on  of  the side her body -fed a tube through the lung to drain the liquid. Yes, she was on morphine but she still  screamed out in pain. Then once the fluid is drained they need to dry out the lung. They cut another hole on the other side of her body and blasted talcum powder into her lungs. Yes, she was awake for all this.

We all knew what she had. Two months later, she was told she had Cancer and there was no more they could do. She went to stay with my Ma. I went to visit her the night she got back home.

I couldn’t stay long, I said.

I have so many things I need to do ,I said.

We must have a movie night, kissed her on the cheek.

Then went on my way attending to my busy important life.

7 a.m. 22/02/2015

RING RING

“Hello…”

“Daisy! Something is wrong with Babs she is not moving, I don’t know she won’t answer me –BABS! BABS! –   I’m calling an ambulance.”

“Ma … Ma?”  No answer. I sat up in bed and did not react and then I thought – fuck this is not good.

One call and a taxi ride later,

I get out of the taxi as the paramedics are carrying my Aunt down the stairs in a wheel chair and into the ambulance. Pulse  monitor flashing 16.

We were allowed to ride with her. Get to hospital. She is rushed in for emergency care. Doors slam in our face. A doctor comes out and leads us to a quiet room to wait. We wait.

Doctor comes back in. My aunt is stabilised but she will be on a machine support for the remainder of her days. What do we want to do?  Ma and me look at one another. Ma’s face crumbles.

“No , we let her go! she has to go no more pain” I speak up. Mom is nodding. The decision is made. No time to call other family members. We are allowed to enter the room. We pull up two chairs and watch as she dies in front of us, snowed under morphine. It takes seemingly forever for her to go.

We sing Janis Joplin’s ‘Merecedes Benz’ .

Tears

Tears

Tears.

PLEASE GO.

The death rattle finally comes and it takes forever for her to drown in her own spit.

“MOMMY” my cousin rushes into the room. We all turn back to my Aunt. She has gone. It is all over.

60 years of knowing her alive and 20 minutes knowing her on her way to death.

She didn’t want to be chained to an invisible leash- an oxygen machine.

My aunt was awesome, everyone got on with her, we were great friends -always giggling, she didn’t take shit from me. She was a true hippy and a traveller. She could read palms. She fought a good fight. Life was hers -she owned her life. Life did not own her until the end.  We used to joke that I became  a drug addict because she used to sing me ‘Puff the magic dragon’ without knowing what the other meaning of the song is.

One last song

ME AND MY BOBBY MCGEE

FUCK TATI I MISS YOU . I LOVE YOU. Wish I could hear you laugh again.

Expect less

I find it hard not to expect the same from people.

Expect Nothing And You Will Never Disappointed

Like what?

 The same commitment, friendship, ways of approaching issues, thinking  styles, letting go. I do find it hard to let go and that is when I am at my unhappiest. That is when I become obsessed  with having my expectations met. These people are not aware of these expectations and I brood over them. I mourn. All that has passed and all that has not resulted in a ‘… and Daisy lived happily ever after.’

It’s great getting attention and being flattered by past flames and it is hard to see them happy with another(not me) and wave them on and say goodbye for now. I’ve realised if I want to be free and ‘talk the talk ‘then I must free the one’s the took a place in my heart, especially the ones who didn’t know about  the perfect mould I had built to keep them there. They too need to be free to be happy again.

I need to be free to live -consciously   in the life that is mine. 

It’s hard to write this next section not because it is painful . It once was but I have to stop living in another time. I have everything and more that I want and need.

I have a soul mate.

How many people can truly say they have found theirs? This is the only person who doesn’t expect much from me. Does everything to make me happy . He has  held the title for best husband to be award way before I knew  the form that makes up his physical   make up.

 The most remarkable point I want to make in this post is -slowly but surely he has woken up the sexual creature in me. The one who doesn’t hide behind a narcotic mirage. The one who allows myself to lay back and enjoy. Reciprocation comes naturally. 

He doesn’t leave me dry. 

He does leave me high.

I want to feel.

I want to orgasm.

I work with him to orgasm.

It’s taken a long time to get  me  to start to let go. I stopped looking for pleasure a long time ago. 

We made love last night. I let him go down on me. I led him with the movement of my hips to help us find that place where I feel I don’t want to pull away. I don’t have to make an excuse that I can’t go through with this.

My body didn’t suddenly say “Get to the bathroom you need to pee”.

He teases.

I’m learning the fun in teasing back.

We both get what we want

He throws me about.

His teeth finds a nipple

I cried out – no, not in pain but in desire.

I trust him.

He respects my body. That is why I am able to experiment with him and enjoy myself.

I finally see a male body as sexy -not as something repulsive.Not something that will hurt me.  Something I don’t want to look at.

I admire every inch of my soul mate. I find my eyes fixating on his body when he knows I’m not looking. Hair wet, straight out of the bath. Where did this lust, this stir come from? 

He is kind of hot. That helps 😉

I find myself wanting to love him back. To trace out parts of his body, I never want to forget.So I can go back and explore those parts more.

 I drew the long stick. No innuendos, please.  

I have found  my expectations let me down all the time. I’ve learnt  the less I expect and the more I let go- the more I gain.  It does require consistent practice. 

 

Another example. I woke up this morning feeling free after my last post and laying my feelings down bare. I woke up to people who read and understood.I woke up to a surprise. I expected nothing. People liked what I was almost too ashamed to put into words. I have gained new friends. All I had to do was speak the truth,  Translate what my heart and mind really says. All I had to do was let go and be myself.

This is when I truly connect to like-minded people – The whole reason. I started out on this quest.

Thank you for accepting me.

 

( All images sourced fro Google images)

Truth

Okay so lately I am mostly talking about embracing ourselves with love and shit. The last couple of days. I  have felt less like a Hippocratic student of healing and self love  and more like a  Hypocrite.

I am not but I feel like one.

My beliefs haven’t changed. I do believe in the content of my posts. I just want to say that I also have shit days when I don’t feel so accepting of my looks and body and the rest of all that is me. I also want validation through superficial social media websites. The last two days have been pretty fucking miserable . Usually exercise, blogging, interacting with blogs,volunteering, working on new projects  and finding ways to be positive with one or two of ‘mothers little helpers; help shift the doom and gloom.

 

Got to give myself a break.

Talk and write the truth. This usually works. Write -freestyle it and post. Don’t check if some one may or may not like what I have to say. Minimum editing. None if possible. Small spell check . Hit the publish button, making sure I have attached all files titled ‘vacuous  negative energy’ to it,blast it into   the blogospheare -somewhere- all the words unravel and collide with an infinitum  of other unread words..

They may or may not get read. Usually people who enjoy jigsaw puzzles get these kind of posts.  Guess what? I hate jigsaws!

Bit blunt?  Sure?

 I guess the whole aim of this post  is to free myself -Let it all hang out.

So, yeah. I’ not happy and self accepting  all the time . I work at it and I don’t give up. I’m not one dimensional.

I try.

I try give Happiness and Self acceptance a secure bosom to lie their heads against.I don’t want doubt , negativity and self hate to  nestle it’s way onto my bosom and go

“Oh look tits! We are gonna suck every last drop of Happiness and Self acceptance out of them until they a flaccid, wrinkled and bruised.” 

Villainous  laughter like “mwhwhwhahahaha” or some other shit. Then they take my head full of shit and slam dunk it. Yes, those three

d,n,s-h,

they will make me think that me accepting myself and being happy can’t happen outside my mind. They will try and repress the independence of my native toungue. They will find a way to make my rediscovered language seem like a myth– folklore…

It never happened.

There were never words such as Happiness and Self acceptance. There was never a language that was not approved by them. 

This is why I won’t stop writing empowering posts. Like ‘body image awareness’. Yes, I agree when I try and speak this language,sometimes, I feel like an idiot, a foreigner. I quickly lose my confidence  when I pronounce  it wrong. Use it in the ‘wrong’ context. Oh how quick my enthusiasm to live freely is  so quickly caught up in a net -stenched  in mockery and  jibes. HOW DARE I ? 

DARE OR TRUTH? I DO BOTH.

I fight to be happy -truly happy- no superficial bullshit

I fight to love my body and me- no superficial bullshit

Always keeping it real

UNIQUE TWO

Some THINGS  we can change by effort

Some THINGS  we can’t change

Some THINGS we have to wait a bit until we can change

THREE THINGS I AM GOOD AT

Challenging-myself

I’M ALWAYS UP FOR A CHALLENGE.

hugs

I’M GOOD AT BEING A FRIEND

say-what-you-feel-its-not-being-rude-its-being-real-quote-1

I’M GOOD AT AT SPEAKING MY MIND

 

 

INSPIRATION FOR CELEBRATING BEING UNIQUE………..

 DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT YOU CAN CHANGE AND WHAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE  ABOUT YOURSELF?

 WHAT  THREE THINGS ARE YOU GOOD AT? 

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(All pictures sourced from Google images)

UNIQUE

We hear so much about equality and diversity these days. If I asked you what each word meant, off the top of your head could you tell me?

 Mine goes: well, Equality is about fairness and being just with all people while at the same time celebrating our differences (diversity).

It’s so frustrating why can’t we accept what we can’t change?

 You accept your friends for who they are.

Your children?

Boyfriend?

 Why can’t we accept that there are some things that we can’t change about ourselves, no matter how much we try?

What You Can Change: You can work on eating cleaner, healthier foods that leave you feeling full of energy and in a good mood throughout the day. You can find an exercise plan that suits your needs and also doesn’t leave you feeling as though your life revolves around physical activity. You can wear clothes and style yourself in a way that makes you feel attractive and healthy, while still being aware that your physical appearance does not define you as a person. You can pursue a balance in life that involves both indulging yourself and treating your body with respect.

What You Can’t Change: You can’t make your body be naturally predisposed to a different shape. You can’t guarantee that you will always be in a certain weight range. You can’t ensure perfect skin, or find a diet and exercise regime that works without fail. You can’t spend your entire life denying yourself the things you want every now and again, nor can you give into every craving or whim and deny your body the care that it needs to function normally. You can’t make the scale replace every other source of value in your life.

SOURCE LINK

Our main focus should be on being healthy and maintaining that health. That saying ‘you don’t know the value of health until it is taken from you ‘seems apt –I may of made up that quote.  I guess we can to some degree alter our physical appearance. It is harder for us ladies when we go through puberty and when we go through ‘the change’. There are loads of traits we can change about ourselves if we are unhappy.

We can change

  • how   we do certain things

  • how we act

  • Our attitude.

By the end of this ‘Celebrating your unique qualities’ challenge. I challenge you to find three things that YOU can do to help promote acceptance of your own unique qualities and appreciate other people’s qualities.

UNIQUE TWO?

Change is good

I haven’t left the house in 5/6 days now. This always happens when I set myself a new challenge. My new project is my Body image challenge. It takes a lot of my time and I haven’t been able to read your posts or post about other shit. I’m am like this in  everything I do. If there is a stirring passion inside me -I go at it full force. No breaks. Nobody gets a look in. I don’t know why I get like this. 

Wait… I do.. I kind of am a full on perfectionist who doesn’t think I am a full on perfectionist. Yeah…. a bit irritating. 

Today I am getting out of the house. I will come back home and have a fresh head and get reading your posts again. I miss you guys. 

I just want  this whole ‘body image’  mind challenge to work. I want it to work and help me and then I know it can help others. I don’t know what I will do with it when it is complete. Move on to the next challenge. 

What else am I up to this week 

  • Co-production awareness workshop

  • a meet up with my fellow WRAP graduates

  • Going to see my Gran in her care-home

  • Make up trial for wedding

  • Reading blogs

  • Body image challenge project

So no chance to wallow and feel guilty for not getting out for a whole week. 

Need to stop typing or else I will never get going. 

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