Only one

Honesty is courage

pride myself on not hiding behind kabuki masks

yet, I’m still hiding in the dark seeking out my whereabouts.

A familiar name being called from a place I know I felt zen.

I can’t manage to summon the courage to get in with the rest of them.

Success should be kite high skittle eventful,

not something that drains your blood, depletes energy,

life? I’ve become resentful.

If Honesty is courage

then I should be a  maned lion.

Here I get to sit and watch the world roll on by

prefer to roll down the blinds. Shade the light from my remaining eye.

Shut out the sunshine.

how dare those bright beams try to tempt me.

Keeping up appearances,

easily done as long as you don’t have to face people in reality.

Has my reality become so virtual?

Is Second life all I’ve got?

Would I even register if I have ever logged on?

I haven’t felt the grass on my bare feet for so long.

I forget every hour that goes past I can’t go back and hold on.

Fooling who ? nobody only myself.

A pick me up just so I can wash my hair and maybe pretend to care.

Where did I lose my carefree air?

I eat more than 7 fresh fruit and veg a day.

It’s complicated.

uPPERS

Downers

I can’t control the outcome.

sit in the darkness listening to melodies that once soothed the soul I carved out of pure love

Hugging onto a unicorn-    hoping for a fantasy to employ a mimetism of  what I once sung.

clear skin , bright eyes and oh so much wit.

What is done is done.

We tell the world to learn from histories lessons

Yet

we struggle to learn from our own

A paradigm of obstinate sin.

No words can express how lost I am within

Death

embrace me on a whim.

 

Heart blush

Words … my brain hasn’t the capacity to express what you have done to make me feel whole.

You love me blindly – kiss me fiercely. Tender hands – your love never dims or folds.

Oh, sorrow. so may sorrows I have bestowed upon thee.

and yet, you still sought to find me.

I never knew I would ever feel…

love

Grow.

It’s a backdraft of silver outlined in glow.

Words, fail to express – it all comes across as sans-esque

I look at the man you have become. I see you through the eyes of clarity.

Rose tinted glasses were never my thing. Maybe other boys looked better in blushed gallows – less grim.

I know you, I love you. I respect you. I suspect me. 

Is is because I gave you such a hard time? 

Or is there truly one soul mate for us in this endoscopic world in mime?

How can this feel so right yet so wrong?

Cognitive dissonance – never felt so omnipotent and strong.

I love you. I am in love with you. Thank you for never letting me go.

These words falter…

..my hands move to type in  slow.

Hesitant, all I want you to know is….

… I know. 

I know.

 I’m shouting stars of praise across the Pleiades milky way. 

You are the man who will give our daughters away.

You are the man who will help set our sons on the right path.

If they become half the man you are – then songs will rip out of my heart.

I didn’t expect any of this.

I pushed and I pulled and indeed I still impulsively resist.

Two stubborn pairs – what a conjuring affair.

If I lose you, my love – indeed I don’t think I will make it to despair.

Whatever happens,

wherever our paths go.

Know – without you being a part of my cosmic. Darling, I would not have had a capacity to show I can grow.

*For my husband, this is really hard to publish, my husband knows me well. I am complex, sarcastic, loving and bloody awkward. It’s about time I expose my feelings for him. It’s such a lame poem -I haven’t done this man justice, I’m cringing in my sappiness. I don’t express love well in words  *

the You! fallacy

Just jotting my thoughts. I’ve been prompted to make a complaint.

little four eyes when you were half your current size -why did you doubt yourself so?

Looking back to a densely plotted past – hazy.

What would you have done knowing all people doubt themselves even if it means you becoming the foe?

‘Have no regrets’ – the tagline of the present.

no regrets, no regrets, no regrets.

When you are looking at granny in a catatonic state, unable to walk or talk. Fragments of images of people now gone, tell me you won’t wonder how life would have played out by taking assertive bets.

Complaints department – sizeable queue. What can we do to answer people’s feuds?

Create a passage for people to commit to taking responsibility for themselves, sign that in ink and wrangle with their own moods.

Blame everyone.

You!

You,

and you!

well…… the list unfolds until it reaches the flaws of flooring.

Finger pointing in every direction. Buckle up, prepare to look within and see how far you can go when you begin to see only you can change your state of deploring.

Control comes not from puppeteering others. Cut loose – let the strings fall.Let people walk,

hell! let them figure it out-  leave them to crawl.

Worry about how you are going to make it. What you need to do to advance in the dance – motions to elevate and bypass the savage instinct to maul.

How many complaints is your God of choice dealing with?

in Her brassic attempt to fulfill everyone’s wish

Did it ever occur to you to get off your indignant knees to check out the employment vacancies for extras needed to help your  God succeed in appetizing your particular dish?

Stop giving control to others to fix your problems. You have a brain, how much has been wasted?

Think of the energy and time used in a  futile attempt to get people to see your view,

the moment before the curtains go down you have become the finale unstitched,  obtusely basted.

What do you do to make this world a better place?

What do you do to help us people stay in the race with human grace?

Life is never going to get easy – you’re never going to be 100%  fulfilled. There will always be a doughnut sized whole to fill.

Do you even know what it is you need to fix yourself?   In monetary terms, you will have to pay for your own self- advocacy bill.

Money, time and energy well spent making you a person who can figure out how to make sense.

Dig deep and take a deep breath-  Don’t be afraid to be a master of your own success.

To run away from your potential achievement will be your greatest offense.

 

jjj-2017     THANK YOU TO  SHAN JENIAH and LINDA FOR KEEPING ME IN A WRITING HABIT.   WORD PROMPT:  COMPLAINT  CLICK HERE TO TRY IT OUT.

Choice has always and forever.

Three days to start afresh.

2018 word reflection piece – -candor, heart spilling starch tumble dry fresh.

Ominous eyes on stalks can feel the tearing of flesh.

Lobster bisque – feel the pain- rubbing eczema flakes in the mesh.

Motivational mantras praying for imaginative depth.

A leap of faith from a dark quarry,   novels unwrap intoxicating pages saturated in meth.

White suits, red suits, black suits – jokester howls in lunatic tongue at his procurement of all laughter.

Voiceless, misunderstood, invisible  swan still morbid, unhappily ever after

Death scents not in lavender bursts, clashes with stale tobacco.

Steven Hawkins, robot voice stuck in a stench of staccato.

Future anxiety. Past Regrets.   Present lives in the moment -startlingly clear.

Blink and the eyes will miss it. Shut off all senses and lose the rest of the steer.

Grace be mine,   Ego ride away on a horse of jaded divine.

Little Mockingjay prepares Dame to release her idealized body conceptions. Babies speak in benign.

Selfish task force. Love to bind a new union.

Born addicted –   a chance encounter for a significant sibling reunion.

Selfish, marred acts of those who seek to atone for sins of Greed.

The world’s a lot smaller, fewer cards.

Time to make new memories in clear waters running with creed.

Tall orders,   cats mewling, and choleric baby withdraws from life’s order.

What a sappy mess they make.   Second chances don’t come with a promise.

Each soul has its own border.

The ring of education – judicators,  over boil in an over timed pressure cooker.

Hungry students ready to whore out the possibility they carry the pearl. Send out for the Hookers booker.

Close these scriptures. War wages paid out in illness.

 Mind cavernous in an unresolved mess.

Sales galore – glorified slave stitched clothing for all. Moral urges to make do with a Makeshift dress.

Recycle on thought- careless whisper – the banana flavored condom went in the wrong bin.

Karmic balance.

Next time buy the toilet freshener with the least amount of Carcinogenic properties within.

The future promise of a surge in over priced goods.

Planning for this new hood smacks of a drugged reality.

Low suspension thoughts, feelings soar through the milky way- lost in an energy of fatality.

Maternally skinny – nourished on a liquid diet, uppers, downers and 7 0f your five a day.

recoil in horror for the day expectant ghoul comes from it’s decided gestational incubation from its hostess.

Who deserves to pay?

A hike up in rent for turning out disabled and bent or, a life staring into the consequences of hitching up an unhemmed skirt?

Murderous plot.  Rumors of have not. Denial that life belongs under flowers in stalks covered with dirt.

There is always a choice, Never a right time to get to perfection.

One decision to make.  God willing, the next messiah is a fruitful resurrection.

*I dedicate this piece to thank Sudden Denouement Literary Collective A Forum for Divergent Literature for adding me as a member of their literary circle.*

Merely human

I lost my temper yesterday, let the Anger consume me and took it all  out, one person.

a03a89a50b2a5cc10b97351d25f228f1.jpg

Did this person deserve to feel the wrath of all the turmoil and pain that has been festering away for years and years ?

No.

There is a part of me who feels a bit guilty for dumping it all on this person.

I hate injustice.

I hate cowardice behavior.

I detest people who say one thing and then do/say  another.

I loathe people who I allow to take advantage of me.

Yes, I know am the only one to allow that to happen and it pisses me off.

I let people who shouldn’t and don’t mean anything to me: get to me.

 

giphy-5

 

ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT

 

 

 

I think (for me) I can see how hard I have fought to become the person I am today,then  I have people  around me who don’t even know me well- tell me positive qualities that  they see in me. They don’t have to say these things.

Then, there are certain people  I’ve come across in my life- they all look different yet carry the same traits- who are very quick to point out that I am the one with the problem.

Why do we question people’s motives  who build us up?

giphy (6).gif

 

Do I have issues?

Yes.

One of them is being tired of beating myself with another person’s shit sticks

The very people who called me a psycho or crazy or something else are hypocrites – somewhere along the line, I find out just how messed up these people are.

I don’t want then to be unhappy or messed up .

My issue is that they make out that their issues are mine.

No.

I take responsibility for my shit – you take responsibility for yours.

d0a6a240a7b83695ac954ed11fbcac4b.jpg

I am direct, blunt  and an upfront person who wears my heart on my sleeve. I have a lot of love and time to give others and I do allow people to take advantage.

I’m learning, but when I get caught out giving away my energy to those who have never even bothered to respect me or even ask me  how I am or even ask anything about me – my emotions build up , then like a tornado the emotions pick up momentum  until  I can’t contain the wrath I feel.

Anger may be seen  as a useless emotion.

tumblr_lq4ieaCHSU1qzqvm2o1_500.jpg

 

In general, I am not an angry person.

I just don’t like people who clearly have their own baggage dumping it all on me.

I am sensitive, I am the kind of person who will sit for hours trying to make another person feel better.

These last few months – I allowed myself to get sucked in,  manipulated  into feeling the need for a specific person  to want me.

In hindsight, I think I wanted to show that person who I had become. I went straight back to looking for approval from someone who I didn’t need approval from  to be me.

giphy (7).gif

 

I am aware I have my own self-esteem and insecurity issues to work on and I do, every day.

 I refuse to allow people to take the piss anymore and when I realize they have, my fuse burns up – I come at people like a rabid ,gangster dog.

download (5).jpg

Possibly ,not the best way to handle a situation because getting angry to the point where I am hurling abuse at someone and doing the exact same thing that person has done to me for however many years or months :is giving my power away.

So, maybe I shouldn’t have said what I said – I am not a person who keeps my mouth shut these days. I have done that for far too long.

I am direct, openly honest , to the point.

Is it fair to expect the same  from others?

Yes and No.

If the person is going to be a part of my life then 100 % absolutely

but

If that person isn’t (as hard as that may be to accept and feel) then I can’t expect these things from a person who may not have these traits or want to give me what I want.

It hurts.

People are going to do what they want to do and so it is always worth reminding ourselves that we too are human and have a bull shit  offload  cutoff threshold  until we act human.  😀

giphy (8).gif

I’m not going to carry on beating myself over the head.

I am going to carry on reaching out to the people who I feel good around.

I’m going to carry on succeeding and moving on with my life.

I had a rough collision with my past and it played out for far too long.

I had this idea in my mind of who and what this person is and my expectations led me to feel hurt.

 

f2b47d52500b7b0bfd9c4a8dbb7fa25a.jpg

 

THE ONLY TIME TO HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS

 

 

I’m not expecting anymore:   is my point.

There is responsibility on both parts but I can only take responsibility for my part.

Always question what other people call you and how they treat you before believing you are worthless and they are right.

Remember not to filter out all the good that people tell you about who they think you are.

Look back at all you have achieved.

Look forward to all you are achieving.

To wrap this up – I live by the motto

quote-i-shot-the-sheriff-but-i-didn-t-shoot-no-deputy-bob-marley-132-19-18.jpg

I’m the first person to put up my  hand when I have done something wrong but I am also going to tell you when I haven’t done wrong – I’m not going down for a crime I didn’t commit.

quote-i-m-not-judging-people-i-m-judging-their-actions-it-s-the-same-type-of-distinction-that-i-try-to-jeff-melvoin-284833

They say all is fair in Love and War……

I guess there are no easy choices nor right or wrong ones but there are choices and I guess that is about as fair as you can get.

cb4617f02fca629ff20abc9ce5ef4a6d.jpg

Catch 22

Fall – leaves turn shades of browns and greens.

my heart dips and I don’t feel  that same sense of  summer’s beams.

Alone. I look to my left. Creativity shines- glitter, stilettos- latex, white faux fur coats. All legs.

Like a string of pearls flung across a room,  a musky scent wafts across my midst.

Temptations persist. Glamour. Warmth is all I seek. Summer,why do you have to be so cruel?

I know if I cross over to the other side – I’ll be feeling the  warmth – it will be pimped out in box ring styles – I won’t have time to dodge the fists.

My body will burn up an exotic shade of hues. I will have no rest.

Hell is the other side of Summers gluttonous  jazz bassline.

One hit. One vein. Blood – artificial nirvana could infiltrate my being.

I won’t have to think of the biting cold that is ringing in my ears. Muffled will be the ice cone, frozen on the edge of my nose. It doesn’t matter who sees that I have been seen.

Bus shelters full, spikes erect from the corporate  underground – I can’t sit down. I know it takes less muscles to smile than frown.

Energy is all I have to see me through this cycle of  undomesticated abuse. October may be  Domestic abuse awareness month.

If I hadn’t left my keeper, I would still have a roof over my head.

A blanket.

I would still be touched.

 Roughed up .

Better the devil you know – I know every one of his moves. I know when to dissociate –

detach my mind

from my body.

Floating above the marital , martial art stylised  bed – I see myself and that devil I married,grabbing folds of my skin. He doesn’t notice the smell of the new conditioner I bought at Asda or how soft the sheets feel now they  have been newly spun.

Dryer . I’m dry. He doesn’t notice the lack of moisture. He doesn’t notice that all of that fluid has shot up to my eyeballs . I refuse to let them free flow – I am not her. I’m floating.

Fly on the wall. Caught up in a spiders web. I have to watch. It doesn’t matter if I have a crick in my neck – oh hang on a minute is he choking me?

Leftover food languishing in the sink drain. He switched the waste disposal  on to automatic .

Arrested, I am back in bed , under him. Time to vogue with my lips and give him  a little pucker.

These white sheets  have turned red in his need to let off steam. I come out in blisters hovering underneath his vapour.

Turn my neck – feels like I need a box of  throat lozenges for having to get all deep throat.

5 am flashing in stimulant green.

I’m 5 months pregnant. I am going to be late.

Grab the nearest decent clothes. Pull on my Adidas trainers. Scrape my hair up into a ponytail.

Finally the motivation to go on the run. I don’t have to time myself. I know his schedule well.

An Olympic torch passes into my hand. I’m running for freedom . Liberty is my destination.

I can start over.

Spring – blues, violets, colours in a perfect union – uncompressed. Naturally dressed.

For the first time in months, I feel like I belong. I too am a medley of colours. I blend in.

Natures milkshake collects in my breasts –  4 months to go until I give birth to a miracle of pure life.

Not branded a colour – just innocence – a chance to see a light – work on my soul and tackle it all. This is the only cure.

Vanilla.

I am no Killer.

Life goes in cycles. It passes by fast. There are no traffic jams when you have to pick up your feet and walk.

Eyes cast down, belly protruding.

Christian volunteers crouch down next to me- hand me a card.

Die and be reborn.

They can help me. I just have to give my old life to our saviour. I’ve never met him but he sounds

Forgiving, comforting, caressing- a handwash with extra Aloe vera – calming properties.

All I have to  do is offer my unborn child to him and I can enter paradise with the rest  of  my weary comrades.

Eyes raise up to the bitter sky. I’ve always thought whatever is up there twinkling and winking down at me is having a far better time than me.

My unborn deserves a place in heaven. Earth only promises scars and  wild jungle roots to keep it grounded to the spot.

The ultimate sacrifice.

Did I fold in with this cult out of cowardice?

I will drink my poison.

Maybe this winter I will be reunited with the one that let out a sudden cry.

Lead me not into temptation. I lie  down , no need to be afraid, child. I close my eyes and sigh.

Hope is my last premise.

* Inspired by domestic violence awareness month*

 

mainimage_0

OCTOBER 2016 (IMAGE SOURCED FROM GOOGLE)

 

HERE IS A LINK TO A  POST I WROTE,ON 11TH MAY 2016 , ABOUT MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES IN A D.V. RELATIONSHIP , TO RAISE DOMESTIC ABUSE AWARENESS IN MY COMMUNITY AND   SOCIETY.

CLICK ON THE PINK HIGHLIGHTED LINK BELOW

THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME

*photo credit Rhode Island Francesca Woodman, Benjamin Moore *

 

 

Mrs Go Lucky Gappy

( photo credit)

Francesca Woodman – White Socks, Providence, Rhode Island, 1976.

( … from the book Francesca Woodman, edited by Corey Keller, San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, 2011.)

Mikkipedia

Never give up!

Nina sang it well: it’s a new dawn, a new day….

When you look at yourself straight on in the mirror – chant his name three times.

The Grim Reaper is more likely to pay a visit and say ‘wassup?

Thinking about all those folk who want to live. Don’t have a cat’s chance or a lucky clover to pray over.

Last night, life became mission impossible. If you read it – I’m free flowing this to say, don’t give up.

Don’t give in.

When it feels like you are at the end of Hangman’s noose, about to kick the bucket from under your feet;

that is the moment where we have the opportunity to reveal our true soul’s pathos.

Don’t you think the cloaked hooded figure has a lot of soul collecting to get on with?

I’m not saying that what we feel at the time we feel it is an illusion.

What I pointing out is that change is the only constant – and  that can lead to desperate ,devastating confusion.

Inside me – I’m still trembling, worrying , wondering. What am I going to do? Can I do this?

Questions and questions and questions blowing out fog enough to make any mind spin.

Stop. Hammer time.

giphy (6).gif

 

No , that is not what I meant to write.   😀

Warped sense of humour.

Effective enough to keep all the rattling bones and bolts inside me, cast a  glow over my demeanour.

Hope.

Look around you. Every time you see a flower bloom -despite its brethren humming out sad tunes.

Hope.

That is Life continuing in spite of all the strife.

Hope .

One seed of Hope. Get through this second,hour, evening.

Take the seed, germinate it, nurture it, feed it, love it , talk  to it.

Take the time – make it thine.

watch it grow into a mighty oak – proud and on display.

it seems impossible to define.

Plant it. Don’t throw it away.

Keep a hold of it. It may just be the one thing that  carries you over the struggle D-day line.

On the surface – flowers. trees, icebergs – all look fantastical – magical even.

Look below the surface. There is a formula – you can build on that too – no magic. no miracles.

Approach thyself with an examining eye.

Make it  your number one priority to get to know what makes you  tick.

If you stop ticking- make it your priority to know where to go to get a battery replacement or get your heart resuscitated.

Know what makes you well, try things that seem alien, reach out of that comfort zone.

Scream ,yell, type, don’t bottle it  up – we have the technology – make a call -pick the phone up.

We have a voice – use it. Listen!

sweet melodic freedom – I am the only one with the key to unlock and escape from my own prison.

Hope.

Never give up.

No matter how difficult and complicated it gets – remember  that there is more to this space than a  one-dimensional prism.

 I know it’s scary – to feel caught up in a schism.

Pieces of the mind caving in -thoughts toppling over, it’s like being a Chilean miner being held hostage underground.

Two months of no light . A sorrowful plight.

It’s dark but you are still breathing. You may be the only one but time is not about to start giving in.

Chin up. Keep looking for a strategy.

An exit route. Use that sombre time to recollect . Hell, get all dramaturgy.

We come into this world kicking, screaming, wondering, possibly even believing. We mustn’t give up unless time says  ‘okay enough’.

So, I say go the way you came in . If it is not  our time – then fight with every muscle. All the nerve you can summon up.

Truth  or  dare?

I  have truth spilling out of my aura like pennies falling into the slot machine, the one in  working  order.

Dare to have.  slip on your shades if you have to – things might just get a little brighter.

You may levitate – feel lithe and even  a little lighter.

Don’t be afraid to succeed and be happy

You don’t need to go to the dentist to get your two front teeth divided so you can look like Mrs Go  Lucky Gappy.

*Inspired by my WRAP plan and my recent WRAP facilitator  training*