Apologies for being a bearer of bad news (again), I received a message today from a relative about a WordPress member in our community.
I’m devastated as I am sure his family are.
Paul Mc Aleavy aka Palfitness passed away yesterday.
Paul went through a lot of crap and he found a sense of acceptance in the blogging community.
He was always generous with his time reading and sharing blogs.
Paul, you will be missed.
Please pay your respects to his family.
Paul came up with this award. Remember life is short and be awesome!
Stop having a go at me, Miss ‘
Then use your intuitive and stop asking me if it’s okay to stop and have a piss.
I’m not your momma. I’m not your carer.
Any more of this inaction and I ready to to scare yer.
I’ve had enough of your lack of ambition.
Lack of adventure — you pierce my nerves with razor precision.
Take a risk, go gungho!
Dress to impress-
I’m telling you-to get on with the show.
I’m done having to prompt you to use your mind
Its like ,dude-honestly – I’m about to implode from frustration — storied deep inside.
I can’t think for the both of us.
Seriously,mate – I’m strong minded-had to work out my way to suss-out
Talk to people.
A random stranger!
Just don’t take candy off them unless you want to end up thinking you’re a KAKKA ranger.
I’m compromising with all the patience I can muster.
Yes, I’m hard headed, strong, independent-.
Blow the dust from your inner mind — here, take my new sublime duster.
You have all the tools. I can’t speak for you.
Have a go.
Life is for living the most Avant-Garde show.
There is nothing wrong with being different,
My hearts switching to scales that don’t under stand how to stay consistent.
Have some gumption.
Seize the day!
What is the point in demonstrating against the unsaintly, Theresa May?
I crave excitement, adventure, moments and endeavours.
My blood goes cold when I see you stumble-a face frayed it tethers .
I can just about carry my own daughter.
Get on with life — or sign yourself up for the slaughter.
I may seem cruel and misdirected .
Take on responsibility for your perceived sense of a pathway defected.
I love you, I do .
Yet, you infuriate me — these four walls are suffocating me. You should understand one word from all this “blue”.
A colour to drive terror into the minds of men
I’m living as a woman — a choked mind from within.
I have my own issues. I stumble on this path.
Leave your issues behind you or tell every fucker about them.
What they think is not relevant to you moving forward.
Have confidence in your own self .
I’m screaming cos you won’t make a move.
I know playing chess can take some rudimentary decision.
Can’t you just side hop the rules and get into the groove?
I’m not asking you to be Kylie.
Flirt with her if it makes you feel Styley Wiley.
I’m doing the best I can.
Summon up that courage-I know is inside you-
Take charge and be that man!
*Inspired by #peoplejustdonothing
With my husband’s permission. I will let his words dominate this post. Not easy being Mr willows – just kidding. Slightly…..
No one said that life is easy, no one said that marriage or relationships are easy or perfect.
It’s been hard for me to write about my feelings on my blog lately,because of all the shenanigans going on in my life. It never stops, does it?
There is a lot I want to say before I pass over my blog to my other half. I talk and type way to much for my liking.
We are all struggling and we are all working on our dreams. It’s easy to give up and I don’t know many people
-anyone -who has ever done this to show how much he respects and wants to know me and understand me .
I will not hide that we have problems and we both fuck up. I’m not proud of some of my actions or my behaviour.
I do know that the man who is so different from me brings out the best in me and the worst. Mostly ther best.
Usually, the men I’ve chosen have brought out the worst in me. ( they got issues just like me.)
For the first time I can say I chose a good man and some guys have been proper knobheads to me.
I’m not making excuses for those men.
“You are wankers, no more making excuses for you. I hope you get what you deserve. I don’t know what you deserve. Karma is not something I have power over, or even wish to have. ” Daisy aka Natasha Bodley
I have a man who has shown me what is feels like to be loved,respected, cherished and who wants our happiness.
Here is a man, who I get to call my husband.
I’m uber emotional.
I didn’t know he was doing this. Our marriage has been crumbling from the start tbh… (laughing, nervous laughter)
I’m at a loss for words.
So this Mr Willows
This is a rather difficult situation to talk about; my wife and I are at odds with each other, she suffers from a horrible illness call Anorexia, it is a controlling and manipulative entity. Anorexia has taken a lot from my wife and maybe even our marriage. Through researching this illness I have realised I will never know truly what my wife has to go through on a daily even hourly basis, So to truly understand what she suffers through I have decided to walk a mile in her shoes. I know that Anorexia is more than just restricting foods and liquids, but I aim to try to discover more. The last time I had anything to eat was two days ago (12th May 2017) and I will try to document both my physical and mental states through this journey of discovery. This may not be enough to save my marriage, but at least I will have a greater understanding.
15th May 2017
10:15: It has been a struggle this morning, it is very hard not to eat when things are very automatic, the struggle with suppressing hunger takes a lot of energy and mental fortitude. My physical state is that my hands are shaking, and used caffeine as an appetite suppressant. This is my second day doing this and will try and document often when things change.
10:30: I have been aware that this illness is also about body fixation, I have been aware for some months that my inner legs chaff when I am warm; I am going to use this as a point of fixation because it genuinely makes me unhappy and uncomfortable.
11:00: Housework is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are it takes up time so you get to switch off the brain for a while and you are doing something so it takes up part of your day. On the flip side I know it is taking up valuable energy and that is going to leave me very weak in the days to come. I know it is going to be hard to hide my non eating but Anorexia is a selfish and manipulative illness. The coffee I had over an hour ago has hit me like a truck, I feel jittery and my heart is racing. I will be doing a small shop for some bits, this is going to be very different because I am no longer free to just pick up an impulse buy, I feel a little anxious about going to be far but I feel I can handle it.
20:07: The household shopping was hard when it came to doing the food part, my stomach ached so bad. I managed to force myself through it. I guess this is something my wife has to often, it takes so much energy to get through all you want to do is hide away and sleep off the hunger. It fails in comparison to having to cook for my daughter, it was hard not to pick at the food or fall in to what I have always done (cook a little extra for myself. I just want to see this through because I need to understand what my wife goes through on a daily basis. The fuzziness in my head feels very strange; I will stop if I see it going too far.
22:28: I understand why she chooses to binge on bread and cheese, right now, it is looking very tempting just to grab some bread and cheese and just go mad. I hope that I get better night’s sleep tonight
11:34: I feel very shaky today almost hyperactive. Finding it very difficult to focus on one task when you have so much running through your head. I can see why this feeling is attractive because you get a big buzz when you complete a task, even if it is something you do regularly. I can see in my face that bags have become to form under my eyes and have a yellow tinge, I look a bit more washed out and drawn. I dare not weigh myself because of both fear of seeing the numbers change. I can’t believe how hard it is to battle with something so simple as standing on something, what I can understand even more now than ever what those numbers represent. I promise myself that this cant continue to long.
9:30: Yesterday afternoon I had a large hyperactive spurt, I was walking round the house very giddy and wanting to spin people around, this lasted for about a half hour, during this I was running up lists of all the things I can do with the business, being a success at finding work, been a good partner and farther.
So to conclude what I have discovered doing this is this, Anorexia has a lot to do with control and hating parts of yourself both physically and mentally. It takes a lot of energy to get through the day and do simple things. Managing moods has been very difficult, riding high can be very addictive and the slumps take so much away from you. The stress on the body is frightening and I have lead a very active life. Sleeping is valuable if your body and mind can rest, this is because I have found when you are asleep you are not thinking, it breaks up the day and it conserves energy, plus I suspect that when someone is in full anorexic mode they don’t have to worry about eating. To think about food is a pain, caffeine helps supress appetite, gives your mind and body something to do and the caffeine and sugar gives you something to get through the day. Being around food can kick off a lot of anxiety because all you want to do is eat, and you feel disgusted and ashamed of these feelings. It feels like you are in a constant battle with parts of mind and body. I am unhappy with the way my legs chafe when I get warm, when you become uncomfortable with how you feel, you become very fixated on that area, you notice every time you move, get dressed and when you look at yourself. Weight gain and weight loss play a key feature because upon weighing myself for the last time I had lost 0.02kgs, with how much effort it has taken, I can see this been very devastating to sufferers because the results do not match the effort that is put in, this will lead to a big drop in confidence and mood. In a final note, I have a newfound respect for people who suffer from this illness because it is a minute by minute, second by second battle with what can only be described as fighting an intruder in your own mind. I know I will never know the true extent of the illness but I have a better understanding of how I can better support, listen and what actions I can take.
MASSIVE RESPECT FOR YOU, WE DO HAVE A STRONG CONNECTION ,AND SOMETIMES WE NEED TO REMIND EACH OTHER.
Dealing with life 😀
*Things/thoughts society urge people not to talk about or write about*
If you believe everything you read then I should have gone into the media business.
thanks for this. Meg is highly artistic and creative lady who only sees a hint of her talents.
She is a friend and the reason I’m writing this post.
song inserted to listen/lyrics at end of post (optional) – It all ties up at the end……
DISSIDENT DAISY THOUGHTS
How to know if you are not a weakling sap?
You do everything wrong.
starve yourself, stay in bed, pretend everything is okay, hoover crap up your nose, watch and wait for your grandma struggle with death for 3 days.
Forget about what makes you well and happy.
Fallout with everyone you would die for
Think you have ignored your daughter’s needs and are dismal parent
then, still say
I’m sorting out my priorities.
H20 AND O2 🙂
moment by moment
I tumbled a fair way -off the waggon wheel.
This is not just about drugs – in fact, drugs are probably the only dysfunctional part of me that looks so horrific and doomed because it is so visceral.
People can’t see my other issues.
Okay, maybe a bit of weight loss- not so shocking that people turn around and gawp. I cover it up well.
I slipped off the waggon – mentally and physically many months before I decided to reach out for coke.
Point is, I did a three-week drug binge – hated every moment of it.
It took the announcement of my Gran being given the short straw of life to stop fucking about.
She may or may not be in heaven. I hope she is.
This may or may not be a piece of fiction. I hope it is.
Research for my EMA? ( one of my characters is addicted to drugs and is homeless)
well, he was when I last looked at the script back in November…..
I told the supplier not to supply me. He respectively hasn’t and I respectively haven’t had the desire to ask.
I don’t like the way drugs or alcohol make me feel or act. I don’t like how denying myself food I like and love makes me feel.
I don’t like what the symptoms of my issues does to my personality, how I behave when caught up in it.
People slip everyday.
How many accident claim adverts have you seen lately?
Slip up, is what meant. 😉
Most people don’t talk about it.
What have I got to lose?
I have everything to gain.
War is peace
Truth is Freedom……….
Ignorance is strength ?
ha! got you
George Orwell is a pseudonym 😀
bloggers who know the real me – bloggers like Meg.
People in my real life may read this and go………………
I’m not telepathic and I never ever want to be.
I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, WHAT YOU THINK. EXCEPT TO THE ONES, I SPEAK TO BUT I ONLY SPEAK TO PEOPLE WHO GET ME. ( maybe that would sound better in a ghetto lingo)
I’m on the mend. I still have issues – just cos I’m not hoovering shit up my nose doesn’t mean I’m 100% healed.
What about your business Daisy?
Business is growing.
How did you support your habit?
I rented out my body …
(FACT OR FICTION )
does it matter?
I have a personal account and a company business that is separate and I have another issue where what I would spend on food gives me overflow money to spend on prostitutes, porn, dunking doughnuts, Cider, cars, gambling, clothes, shoes, drugs – illegal and legal self-medicating.
Yes, love a bit of Erotica – Anais Nin 😉
The point is the waggon is not electric and it is in sight. I’m running alongside it.
What about your Master’s degree, Daisy?
Doing it. On track. One more scipt to write and year one down.
I can tell you -100% truth that having mental health issues and reverting to my default coping mechanism has done NADA for my creativity.
Me being me and writing from my heart and keeping my head just about screwed on is why I have managed to come out of this with flowers blooming out my ass.
Bit of a rant…
for the tag.
I TAG (optional)
I LOVE A CHALLENGE.
I LOVE MUSIC.
Combine the two together and I have put myself up for a HEALTHY CHALLENGE.
It’s going to be a busy couple of weeks sorting out the funeral with my Ma.
I need to help others to dig myself out of my own shit storm.
I’m committing myself to this challenge because I can.
A song I currently love is this
It gives me hope that the youth of today are thinking like this young lady.
My quiet observations on the bus city people lost trust
Maudley’s out patients are shouting with the pavements
They looking rough can’t get to grips so they end up looking worse than shit
Maybe if I can see who there talking too I might talk to them to so they can prove
The spirit never lies but before I get to try the clouds open up and let god cry
Why is this white lady nervous cause 3 black youths come on so she checking were her purse is
Make me feel nervous like they ain’t my country like they don’t really want me
But mummy always love me I never had a daddy it was me and my mummy
Mummy was my daddy I can either cry or see it as funny
How you can have a child and then just leave
Now I’m walking around with my heart on my sleeve cause I’m effected anytime anybody leave
You can see my scars and hear my silent screams
I been reading books to analyse my dreams and to me it seems
The only chance we get to make sense of it is when we put our heads down a little bit
That’s why I’m spitting it cause each one teach one and you can take it how you want don
Right now I got a lot of work to do
I gotta smooth out my edges
Eat more veges
Listen to my elders
Vibe with my peers
Confront my fears and
Finish this album
Right now I got a lot of work to do
I gotta represent the youth
Speak more truth
Eat more fruit
Get wise with my years
Confront my fears and
Finish this album
But it seems I get side tracked it’s like a mind trap I get a call real late bout were the foods at
Cause certain man a certain place got certain food to taste so my Nikes are laced
And I was never really one to stay awake through a working day for them little bit pay yo
This nine to five is just killing me slowly but quitting is for quitters so I wait until they fire me
But now no one will hire me cause I got more lies in my CV than a pro’s had STD’s
When will they see I was born to reign entrapment is my pain I need to feel alive again
I need a man that compliments my style overstand I’m this way until I die
Has ambitions of his own so ovastand i don’t wanna be alone I just need a little time in my zone
This one goes out to my shotters in the alleys were all brothers and sisters were all family
All my sisters trying to raise there babies all the youth man with court cases crazy
It’s like the smarter you are the bigger your worries stupid people are lucky trust me
This one goes out to my people with ambition I’m still learning I’m still trying but for now
Honesty is courage and since I got the heart of a lion then there’s no sense in lying
I portray my life over violins no matter what it brings least I’m being real
When I look at my future I fear failure I fear the fact that you might not like me
I know I’m skilled but just maybe slightly what if my light don’t shine so brightly
I’m scared of that I’m telling you the truth I’m scared of that
What if the doctor said you couldn’t have children
What if the system they tried to topple what I’m billing better living for all my ghetto children
And I don’t mean were you live I mean your state of mind
Cause ghettos not just a place ghetto is a vibe
And I don’t need no boastie words or complicated flows
If I know what I gotta do then I flow
But sometimes I get tired sometimes I lose faith I guess that’s the reason that we got to church
Cause when you at the bottom of the barrel it hurts need something to believe in and God works You think spiritual is just hocus pocus what you really saying is you have not noticed
Inside us all is a silent protest you can acknowledge or ignore but me
SPEECH DEBELLE – FINISH THIS ALBUM
Sometimes it’s not the people who actually know you -who want to see you succeed but I know when I started blogging on WordPress, I found a supportive community of people on here.
Sometimes it takes the people who don’t know us to see something in us that others can’t or won’t.
We are live!
La bella bijoux Ltd is online! LOOK HERE
This is the start of a long and hard and remarkable journey.
I have so much to learn. SEO blah blah
I’m getting there
PLEASE can you like my business facebook page
Share my Blog post on WIX -PLEASE. HERE
Today, I have drafted scene two of my TMA 3 – Omniscience – about a girl with second sight.
I’m about to get ready to get a train to do Week two of the Drama workshop I am on.
My Bella made her own jewelry last night. In 20-30 years times, it will be vintage and Retro. ha ha!
I will catch up on all the study material etc on the train to Leeds university, I need to catch up on.
I found out over the weekend that in May 2017 ( if I pass) I get a post graduate certificate in the Humanities.
Thanks for being so patient.
Finally, I can accept this award. My comma, on my keyboard, stopped working yesterday! Yes, I couldn’t pause, I couldn’t breathe!
Today being the last day of 2016. oh yeah! I would like to thank the lovely -B.G @ Getting Through Anxiety for this mysterious award. I’ve secretly been wanting it for a long time. mwahaha (evil laughter)
I will nominate 20 blogs who I think need be seen more and if they are AWARD FREE, I still believe in these blogs and what they have to say.
IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT ZEE- RULES ARE THUS:
Display your chosen award logo/image on your blog- (google images are a great place to find one to suit your style)
List the rules
Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to the nominator’s blog
Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well – OKOTO ENIGMA’S BLOG …Because life is all about learning new things and having fun
Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
Answer 5 questions from the nominator (me)
Nominate 10 – 20 people
Notify your nominees by leaving the nomination link in the “comment” of their blog
Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question (specify)
Share the link(s) to your best post(s)
THREE THINGS ABOUT ME
I am all heart but I can stick up for myself and I am no pushover. 😀
I doubt myself constantly but I never give up
I woke up to this song in my head
Have you had a crush on your teacher as a teenager?
Mmmh.. I’d be lying if I say no. I vaguely remember a male teacher when I probably not even 12 years old; yet, I can’t remember what he taught or his name or even what school I was at but, I do remember feelings stir inside me. Obviously very short lived and not memorable enough to go into detail. 😀
If you had the power to change one thing in your past, what would that be?
I would wear my glasses or beg for my family to get me fitted for contact lenses so, I could actually see the world I was living in and see people’s expressions, learn to lip read, watch nonverbal communication, not be so internalized and complexed by my imagined ideas of how I thought others felt about me.
Which country is your next dream vacation, and what made you want to go there?
Really? cheating here. I need to go to Italy and Greece. I’m obsessed with Western mythology. I really want to travel to all over the East. I imagine when I visit India, I will wake super early so I can get to the Taj Mahal before all the other tourists so that I can experience being there and feel and hear the energy of silence.
Do you think it is okay to keep secrets even between best friends?
Well, it depends on the secret. If it is personal to whichever friend and is not compromising my loyalty to my other friends, then yes. It’s a tough one.
If you could be transformed into something else, what would be your preference, and why?
In winter, I would like to my cat – not anybody else’s but my Miss Tatiana. In summer and spring, I would want to be a fairy or a pixie – some creature able to fly, create magic, observe others without being noticed. In Autumn I would like to have a chance to be a tree. I want to know what it feels like to lose my leaves, foliage etc.. I want to feel that season from a Tree’s perspective. Just don’t cut me down.
MY NOMINEES: (RANDOM ORDER ) IFYOU DON’T DO AWARDS TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT -I SEEK NOTHING IN RETURN
I’m rolling with the same questions I was asked 🙂
See you in 2017 – onwards and upwards. Make it your own.