Tag Archives: communication

Grateful Milky chancer

(2 months ago and scroll down  to the bottom for today’s inspirational  track & lyrics – I’m so grateful)

 

We all say we want to disappear

By God, I truly want to conjure it and truly never come back from this planet.

I’ve tried so many times

And this might sound like Self -pity ( perhaps it is).

But I’m not here to get into it.

These are about my feelings.

I’m not a poet. I am just a person who has feelings & thoughts,

I’m not trying to hurt anybody.

I’m trying to live the best way I can,

I’ve tried to take my life many times (and) yet, here I am.

I do the best I can.

Deep pan Pizza, Fried chicken,Sushi, Proscecco.

Get my fringe trimmed,

My daughter, a mermaid’s tail.

My husband. Yes, I have sinned!

But I’m still here.

And all I want to do is disappear because I know that,

Eventually-

Everyone I love,

Everyone I know is going to be gone.

And I wouldn’t have made the bonds with the people who I brought into this Life

And the people who I’ve… met or come across.

I wouldn’t have secured any bonds.

I am lost

I am always forlorn.

Flawed, I wear my heart on my sleeve and

I cry. I pace this kitchen over & over

And no I don’t have an excuse for relapsing

And I don’t have an excuse for what I have done.

I just know that my heart was invested in it all and I’m trying to do the best I can!

I wish I wasn’t here. I have plans- is this a death threat?

I don’t know.

All I know is there is pizza cooking, and I’m on my last tether

Overdoses don’t do it.

Maybe hang myself?

I’m (just) so far gone. This is not even a poem.

 

 

(Today)

Inner Mic O’pen Dictator

 

Have you ever been away from the open mic/talking public scene? Perhaps you’ve isolated yourself for too long … perhaps you’ve lost confidence?

Perhaps you mention your partial denture to people to ‘break the ice’.

Perhaps you doubt
Perhaps your inner dictator needs to get a few words off its chest, then you start reading a borderline poem about the time you broke up with your husband (in front of your husband & everyone in the audience…EEP!
EEK!

 

 

I believe we all have an inner dictator waiting inside of us to be heard.

3min maximum slots are advised. 😀

Perhaps you have your say & think it will get easier another day.

Poem to follow…

 

 

 

 

 

.Daisy -the Dissident Goat

The song I’m sharing to day is by New Zealand’s very own Bjork-Kimbra. & a blogging associate  turned me on to her.

This is  #goatbahs for today because it makes my heart soar & I feel a great adrenaline kick from it.

 

Mother Nature does discriminate.  Why?

Yesterday, I found out a badger is loose in our garden. I think it’s looking for a place to nest. I decided to google ‘how to get rid of a badger’. The number one solution is:

Human male urine.

Yes, or a hot Scottish bonnet or 8th on the list is Lion’s wee. Even if I was still living in South Africa that would be hard to get.

Mother Nature!

What do single woman/parents do if they are being “urbanised” by a pregnant badger?

Just a thought.

 

My passion has always been for  causes that fight oppression in its many guises. Poverty, discrimination from Mental Health to Homelessness & inequality  , clique groups, media censorship.

This is  a  huge problem  globally,  including places like  Nigeria. It’s devastating to know what is happening in Nigeria. Check the United Nations website out.

 

If we want to be seen as  cultured or considered cultured, we should  strive to educate ourselves. This is what I try to do for myself.

 We are so quick to judge people by what country they come from.

Charles, is Nigerian born man with goals ,ambitions and dreams.

Not every person is a stereo type or trying to scam you.

There are a lot of folk who I’ve realised do scam you ( if you let them). We all need an income, right?

It’s about ethics, inherent  morals we are born with and choosing who you decide to associate with.

This is why I am honoured to  call myself

Daisy-the Dissident Goat.

I think  Charles vision to connect as many creative people  to come together as a community fits in with my vision of what I want to achieve by blogging/writing/goals/career prospects .

  • Connect (with people)

  • Create ( with people or on your own)

  • Collaborate

  • Communicate

Check out What is with the whole GOAT thing?  for more information.

Please check out  CEOLARANTS website for  Q & A as a part of  the dissident team’s  THE DISSIDENT PROJECT.

 

It’s a learning process. We learn & re learn every day in our lives.

I’ve experiences (and still do experience) prejudice & stigma.

I was mentally and physically in a terrible place for 2 years.

And  (now) I’m “woke” .

I almost lost myself, my family and self respect to   scum of society. I allowed myself to be taken for a ride by people who disgust me. Drug dealers

Losers with a drivers licences/bullies & I’ve told them what I think. I’ve also told them I’m not afraid of them either.

Make of that what you will.

Love is a two way street…

So is business.

I have realised by using my wellness recovery tools that self medicating and making plans to end my life was because I felt so little worth about myself & I thought people ( even  wannabe  king pin drug dealers have feelings) had the same integrity & values that I do.

Or, at the very least if a person compromises their values then tries to consolidate the problem.

I’m back  in place where I see my worth again. I see where my energy, time & money is better used.

I’m not a girl for NA  or that kind of set up. I  have my family, friends & support around me.

I’m going to get back into volunteering again.

I’m grateful for Hope Street Calderdale recovery college for seeing the potential in me & giving me the chance to do my own 12 week WRAP  (2015)& then fund for a 5 day course to co-facilitate WRAP  (promo video link)  to give other people as many different tools to navigate and deal with life ups & downs (so to speak).

I still  intend to use my skills when I’m well and unwell to helping other people.

I’ve bonded more with my daughter properly for the first time. I feel focused again. I feel happy when I’m not making myself ill.

I already have diagnosed ‘illnesses-Chronic Anorexia & Bipolar.’ I  have the responsibility to make sure I don’t fall back & do serious damage to myself (in the future) that I cannot undo.

I’m never going to be perfect & that is where I always go wrong. I aim for perfection when there is no such thing.

Even Mother Nature is flawed in all her  complexity & beauty.

 

 

If you’ve read this far…

Thank you for indulging me.

Shout out to Linda for  her  #1linerWeds  prompt & fun writing.

 

Make Believe

And then there are the days when the rain has stopped.
sunshine will follow the rain as the Nora Bayes song ‘ Make Believe’ goes . By all accounts I should feel at the very least warm.
My smile aches.
My heart breaks.

I realise my cheeks are strewn not by rain this time but more tears.

I feel a part of me dying I think of all the tears I’ve overcome, the one I’ve mopped up.

I think about how other people struggle, and see them get up again and again until, one day they don’t.

In these twisted moments of my melancholy; my heart beats even faster- than when I’m even tempered.

I realise I won’t die from heart ache or an abundance of leaked tears.

I won’t dehydrate.

I won’t become the next corpse poised in fledgling flight to arouse its soul.

So many words and questions I wish to ask.

I answer them myself-in moments of cowardice . In these moments of despair, I search for strength.

I love to see people I care about prosper.

I cry because
.. I shouldn’t have regrets.. but I’m beginning to wonder if I should….

When words are few

When Words are few

Connect

Create.

Collaborate

With other Creativists.

creativists

Noun — (1) To be a creative activist. (2) To challenge conventionality using art and expressionismas your tools. (3) To creatively enactchange.

Someone who is attuned creatively to their surroundings; a person who understands and expresses their lifethrough creativeworksor motifs.

URBAN DICTIONARY

When I don’t feel able to talk to anyone my thoughts are scattered and strewn about;

I’ve always found clarity & relief with the help of writing and Music. Music allows me to put displaced emotions into a feeling of organized chaos.

It can help with replacing my emotions and self talk to break the negative cycle I’m in and I can re-engage with people (even if on a small level) and feel passionate about life and my goals again.

I believe that we are all creativists — We don’t need to sing well, play an instrument or be a DJ, professional dancer to express our emotions through music. Personally, I enjoy combining my passion for writing about and listening to music to get what I need from music.

We don’t need to have a degree in Music and Arts to feel or write about it. Although that’s cool too.

Google, a couple of books, communicating with people who are into music, and your soul-should be enough to make whatever it is that you get out/want out of the music industry- happen. Oh, and passion and focus helps too 😉

Self-expression is creative.

When we find a medium to feel, it can help us feel that we’ve been heard-we are being creative.

I’m more than passionate about Mental health and anti-stigma. I know the Music industry is in need of more help to help artists channel their energy productively, but like any industry as big as the entertainment industry there is a lot of pressure and stress attached to achieving our goals.

On the flip side of the coin, there are the obvious benefits being creative in any medium can have on improving mental health.

One massive stumbling block to (ahem..)blocking creativity is not connecting with people who allow us to create something with another person. It could start out as a simple conversation, comment, idea, compliment, dream, or career.

This decision to connect with a person/group creates.

We are all creativists. Technology and social media help to communicate. So that even a person who doesn’t or who can’t get out and “connect” socially can still be super dope in their creative outlets via the internet.

Self- Doubt and listening too much to other people’s negative opinion can wreak havoc on your confidence and ability to express yourself. This is intensified for people who are suffering from their mental health issues.

Of course, feedback is a good thing. Pick your mentors wisely, if (like me )you want to write about music or work in the Music industry.

Find someone who doesn’t rip you to shreds. Constructive criticism and being a blunt asshole can seem like the same thing coming from an “expert” but it’s not.

Constructive criticism is taking into account the overall work and presentation and breaking that feedback into sections. It should be honest and tactful. There is no one way to write a review, or compose a piece of music or run a music label.

When you connect you have an opportunity to create something with another individual who has a whole different system of thoughts, beliefs, ideas and experiences to contribute.

You don’t know what the result is going to be and that can be the best part of the creative process: The not knowing. We often surprise ourselves with what we can do when we just-DO IT!

The collaboration process doesn’t have to be a huge gig,

Or it can be.

It can be anything.

I’ve uploaded on social media have spoken word/music oddities that I’ve made on garage band!

My favourite recorded spoke word project is one I did with a mate. It was fun.

I’m not too precious about what people think. Creativists should take risks and often end up surprising themselves.

Don’t let other peoples talents or your own self-doubt, or a lack of knowledge of music theory, for example, stop you from expressing yourself. If you want to learn to play an instrument well. Then you have to put in the effort. Technology makes it so much easier to connect and learn.

I’ve also started writing song reviews on my blog. Not everyone gets it or likes it but its something I’m passionate about doing. Blogs should evolve if we are to change, surely? They need work and I need to Improve. We all have to start somewhere.

NWA all the way.

EXPRESS YOURSELF!

 

wabi -sabi disambiguation (audio version)

This is my latest ,warped experiment with using GarageBand and sound effects/ free samples and my words and voice. WAHEY!

‘Word ?’

‘Word.’

Ha ha!

Musing of the day:

If the birds are still flying. Your world is not over … yet.  Keep  on living and be yourself.

Attempts on her Life

Be a bare foot bear in mind, body and spirit.

Daisy

LIFE UPDATE

There has been so much going on-trying to write consistently  and coherently has and is still a struggle.

I did a major overdose in March 2018 (yes, stupid and I didn’t want to come out of it)-the gory details are :

I could have died and came close to it.

I went through the whole anger and retaliation at the world stampede.

I’m still struggling to cope with EVERYTHING

Yet I’m still here coping with EVERY THING.

I feel like a machine at times — loathe the mundane, monotony  of everyday living.

The enormous amount of stress that we all experience.

I hate this feeling but at the same time I feel the need for routine.

It’s easy to fall into bad  habits. I seem to get into toxic cycles a  lot. I get out of them too.

Oh my hat! After complaining (to whoever would listen)about never getting out open mic gigs; I finally got to  do another open mic night-I got my wish.

It can be an intimidating scene. Pretentious even. I hate the drama and Ego ism that comes with any thing to do with being creative. Best piece of advice I can offer is:

Don’t be like me and think double whiskies are going to make you awesome.

We already are… unless you have complex issues about yourself. Your life, your goals  , etc..

Like me!

So, I did the  open mic 4 minute slot.  😀 I don’t have a problem performing. Of course ,I worry about how I come across, want people to connect and genuinely clap or show interest cos something sets off a spark.

I got caught up in my head. Yesterday, I was on the phone to my mom about it, and I tried to explain the complete sense of emptiness and loss I feel about my eating disorder.

Nobody seems to really get it. And its unfair to expect them to.

It won’t give up on me but I have people who think I’m cool for being me. That is important.

It’s messed up how we can sometimes let our demons wreak havoc and have a full on hour fest with our emotions.

Disconnecting is  defunct for me.

Its standard to my character and way of dealing with life

Connecting is harder and typing about this may seem fucking boring but it seems necessary.

It’s not meant to be a profound post. WOW!  I know how to beat myself up. Don’t you feel we do that far too much? We are. Hard mofo’s on ourselves.

DO you ever feel like guilt will cause you eternal harrowing sorrow?

It will haunt your every moment. Sneak up on every smile.

I want to be loved and want to figure out what I want.

So this is what I have become Doubtful yet I am still full of gumption.

God, I can be so self absorbed.

Suicide is a huge global problem and it’s getting worse.

Check out lil Donald’s positive message about the  suicide endemic .

Get help and speak out.

I’m glad I’m alive. Christ, it’s a hard struggle. An onward battle. There are precious ,sweet moments that make it worth it.

I’m so glad be alive. Yes, I’m repeating that.

The anger has passed as do all things.

Suicide is not the answer. Its final — we don’t know what is on the other side.

What if on the other side we are trapped on one side of a mirror-only able to feel the cold and watch the world without being able to make contact again….

We all need time away from the mundane, from ourselves.

We all have vices ands poisons. Its easy to judge a person by what they use to cope. We walk with the feet that we are born with.

Sometimes we don’t have shoes to wear. It’s often the time we feel most free.  That first contact with bare feet and grass or beach sand is the most grounding and exhilarating feeling a person can experience.

Be a bare foot bear in mind, body and spirit.

About Write to Recover

My blog (that I share) has always been about ‘keeping it real’ and being authentic to myself. I never started out my blog  think ing – YO This is the shizzle- (as my mate Lou says). And then expand my blog to include other passions and interests on Art, mental health, politics, ideas, poetry. I’ve started writing what I’ve ahem.. coined borderline poetry or IN-YER face poetry, done a couple of open mic nights and delved into recorded spoken word projects and film projects.

I wrote/write about the shit going on in my head. I t was and still is a way to get all the crap sifting around my head out and into the written form. It’s a creative outlet.

I call this method of writing ‘Write to recover’ -I often us stream of consciousness techniques. I try not to overthink what I type.

I believe in the quote.

The truth is stranger than fiction

Mark Twain

I don’t know about any of you…

But I’ve lived a long and colourful life (I’m not  bitter, I wear my heart on my sleeve )

I’m just trying to do what I need do to get by.

Music is a full-time love of mine. I want to get into music journalism. I want to write about album reviews and singles.

I have the opportunity to know something many dope and creativists (creative people). who have so much to share. I get the opportunity to do interviews.

I am passionate about interviewing all artists – painters, D’J.’s, film/documentary enthusiasts/ photographers – anyone passionate about being creative.

It is as a bonus if they are aware of mental health issues. Cos we all should be by now. We need to start coming together as a community.

I believe being creative helps improve our mental sense of wellbeing.

No one is perfect. Don’t knock yourself for getting through and surviving

Here is my thought for the day

If someone is going to treat you like crap. Replace their Ass. Especially if they fall into the non -fam category. Don’t give up on your fam, folks.

Daisy/ GOATS2BDazee/Natasha Bodley

Why are you watching this?

The ugly truth about why i haven’t been able to write.

Things became too much for me. All of it and  life, I took a huge overdose and I ended up waking upon a hospital.I became hopeless.

I feel so estranged from life. I am closer to my daughter more than I ever thought possible. Here is me looking glamorous and 1 step away from a hospital bed.

self medicating turned me into going into drug/ medication induced psychosis.

Writing is getting easier. I know that I will not quit my final year of my masters. I am rebuilding our lives and I’m relieved that I threw my ex husband/partner out the house. I don’t care how hard things get- once I lose respect for a person or they don’t walk the talk -my patience runs thin.

I’m focusing on getting back to blogging, my Masters. Writing and getting these feature music artist posts in publish mode.

My daughter was with my Ma when I took the overdose and so in honor of Paul  all those who suffer in silence or are misunderstood to remember that we are all awesome. Some more than others…….

only joking.

There are more videos i took. I think I thought if something good can come out of watching blood pour out my nose and looking and acting not like my usual self.

I’m still adjusting to the fact i’m alive. I’m happy to be with my daughter. Yes, call me what you want.

I’m merely human – no unicorns to be found here.  I’m just doing what I need to to get by.

These are my words 😉

 

 

 

 

 

The simple life

Great ideas and plans sometimes mean delays.

I’m the worst person to put off goals I’m passionate about. I am learning that if I want things to look and come across a certain way, I have to wait.

I’m beyond excited to be approached to be a part of an industry I love. I’m one of those people who will do what it takes to learn how to be the best at what I am doing and then worry about the money.

I do believe ‘money is a means to an end’

I’ve had money and I’ve been on ass and lined up in food banks.

No-It’s not fun owing money left, right and centre.

It’s  a bleak existence not knowing what the true value of money is.

Today-I know the true value of money.

Its value is not a destination.

It’s a means to get me from one part of my journey to the next.

Some people (who I’ve met in my life) wonder why I make out like I have an endless supply of money.

People have come into my current home and looked around confused —

“How dare this “peasant” make out /look  like she is rich”-

First of all,

I am rich.

My idea of wealth is different to the next person. I grew up a certain way and some traits stay with us.

I have also realised the value in ‘letting go’.

 

No, I haven’t read ‘the secret’ or started an illegal job nor am I involved in work of a frivolous nature.

(If I did want to sell my body or body parts….)

My body.

My life.

Hashtag  “Just saying”

I have Life to guide me. I have my personality, experiences and I have an open outlook on Life.

I am a student of Life.

Be happy. Don’t give your energy to the wrong people, if you do then let it go. What they do with your energy is out of your control.

We gain more from realising the power of letting other people be. It’s taken me a long time and many mistakes and heart aches, falling out with people and picking myself off the floor; to realise I gain so much from everything I do.

The quote

There are no mistakes, only lessons to be learned’ is true

Continue to stay to true to yourself. Embrace your quirks and work them.

Flaunt them and love yourself.

Look around you , think of all the people you have loved, admired, bigged up, given a part of yourself to

On reflection you may go :

aargh! what the wtf was I thinking..’

There may be a part of you who is divided —

well that person is different. They are allowed to have an ” ugly” side because…

their talent or looks or status make up for their faults.

We should all prescribe a dose of that empathy and love to ourselves-

I am blessed to have a daughter who is a direct reflection of me

She is my mirror image. I love her and I think she is smart, funny, creative, gorgeous, articulate talks too much, stubborn, a bit of. a dram queen.. The full package.

I love myself too.

I am not a super model in a magazine nor do I want to be. I’m not a model citizen – I would have my face eaten by rats in Orwell’s Ministry of Love and be high/ numbed by synthetic products all the time in Huxley’s world.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy indulging in a  hedonistic life, zoning out watching and reading ‘Trash’ and watching ‘trash’ too. I

Go OverBoard by all means.

Make sure you get back on the boat.

I’m good enough. Be real — not a cardboard cut up of a media pitch advertising how you should act, look and live.

Thanks for reading my morning musings…

lots of willow’s GOATS2BDazee love

 

 

7X7X7 = creative reciprocation

Art,’he said, ‘should offer the viewer the chance of merging with the creator.’

Colours explore emotional Integrity – encourage the oft skittish after thought.

His rainbow palette unlocks the blueprint of his makers true motives.

Reasons for his restless soul ; to convince us to pause; then walk away appraising transformation.

Change in notion pollinates – an opportunity to conceive to full bloom.

Open minds connect to open hearts .Creation over rides desire- Fosters survival.

Existence is impassive – Life becomes a conscious act of fruition.

This writing prompt came from the the seventh sentence on the 7 th page of the 7th book my bookshelf .

The task was to write a poem starting with the sentence from my book and make a seven line poem. Almost did it 😉

the sentence comes from the book ‘Screenplay -the foundations of screenwriting by Syd field