Tag Archives: community

Inner Mic O’pen Dictator

 

Have you ever been away from the open mic/talking public scene? Perhaps you’ve isolated yourself for too long … perhaps you’ve lost confidence?

Perhaps you mention your partial denture to people to ‘break the ice’.

Perhaps you doubt
Perhaps your inner dictator needs to get a few words off its chest, then you start reading a borderline poem about the time you broke up with your husband (in front of your husband & everyone in the audience…EEP!
EEK!

 

 

I believe we all have an inner dictator waiting inside of us to be heard.

3min maximum slots are advised. ūüėÄ

Perhaps you have your say & think it will get easier another day.

Poem to follow…

 

 

 

 

 

When words are few

When Words are few

Connect

Create.

Collaborate

With other Creativists.

creativists

Noun‚Ää‚ÄĒ‚Ää(1) To be a creative activist. (2) To challenge conventionality using art and expressionismas your tools. (3) To creatively enactchange.

Someone who is attuned creatively to their surroundings; a person who understands and expresses their lifethrough creativeworksor motifs.

URBAN DICTIONARY

When I don’t feel able to talk to anyone my thoughts are scattered and strewn about;

I’ve always found clarity & relief with the help of writing and Music. Music allows me to put displaced emotions into a feeling of organized chaos.

It can help with replacing my emotions and self talk to break the negative cycle I’m in and I can re-engage with people (even if on a small level) and feel passionate about life and my goals again.

I believe that we are all creativists ‚ÄĒ We don‚Äôt need to sing well, play an instrument or be a DJ, professional dancer to express our emotions through music. Personally, I enjoy combining my passion for writing about and listening to music to get what I need from¬†music.

We don‚Äôt need to have a degree in Music and Arts to feel or write about it. Although that’s cool¬†too.

Google, a couple of books, communicating with people who are into music, and your soul-should be enough to make whatever it is that you get out/want out of the music industry- happen. Oh, and passion and focus helps too¬†ūüėČ

Self-expression is creative.

When we find a medium to feel, it can help us feel that we’ve been heard-we are being creative.

I’m more than passionate about Mental health and anti-stigma. I know the Music industry is in need of more help to help artists channel their energy productively, but like any industry as big as the entertainment industry there is a lot of pressure and stress attached to achieving our goals.

On the flip side of the coin, there are the obvious benefits being creative in any medium can have on improving mental health.

One massive stumbling block to (ahem..)blocking creativity is not connecting with people who allow us to create something with another person. It could start out as a simple conversation, comment, idea, compliment, dream, or career.

This decision to connect with a person/group creates.

We are all creativists. Technology and social media help to communicate. So that even a person who doesn‚Äôt or who can‚Äôt get out and ‚Äúconnect‚ÄĚ socially can still be super dope in their creative outlets via the internet.

Self- Doubt and listening too much to other people’s negative opinion can wreak havoc on your confidence and ability to express yourself. This is intensified for people who are suffering from their mental health issues.

Of course, feedback is a good thing. Pick your mentors wisely, if (like me )you want to write about music or work in the Music industry.

Find someone who doesn‚Äôt rip you to shreds. Constructive criticism and being a blunt asshole can seem like the same thing coming from an ‚Äúexpert‚ÄĚ but it‚Äôs¬†not.

Constructive criticism is taking into account the overall work and presentation and breaking that feedback into sections. It should be honest and tactful. There is no one way to write a review, or compose a piece of music or run a music label.

When you connect you have an opportunity to create something with another individual who has a whole different system of thoughts, beliefs, ideas and experiences to contribute.

You don’t know what the result is going to be and that can be the best part of the creative process: The not knowing. We often surprise ourselves with what we can do when we just-DO IT!

The collaboration process doesn’t have to be a huge gig,

Or it can be.

It can be anything.

I’ve uploaded on social media have spoken word/music oddities that I’ve made on garage band!

My favourite recorded spoke word project is one I did with a mate. It was fun.

I’m not too precious about what people think. Creativists should take risks and often end up surprising themselves.

Don’t let other peoples talents or your own self-doubt, or a lack of knowledge of music theory, for example, stop you from expressing yourself. If you want to learn to play an instrument well. Then you have to put in the effort. Technology makes it so much easier to connect and learn.

I’ve also started writing song reviews on my blog. Not everyone gets it or likes it but its something I’m passionate about doing. Blogs should evolve if we are to change, surely? They need work and I need to Improve. We all have to start somewhere.

NWA all the way.

EXPRESS YOURSELF!

 

WordPress member passed away -the truth

*This is a belated update on what I know about one of the possible reasons Paul Aleavy went on to take his life by suicide

This video can be read in conjunction with my original post ¬†(below) after finding out that he had passed away. The truth is I dislike bullies in all their forms. This is a message I received in my inbox of comments to approve¬†a few weeks before I found out that Paul had taken his life. I’ve decided to share it now because¬†I know something that contributed to his diminished self esteem & possibly contributed to him taken his life by suicide.

Apologies for being a bearer of bad news (again), I received a message today from a relative about a WordPress member in our community.

I’m devastated as I am sure his family are.

Paul Mc Aleavy aka Paul fitness passed away yesterday.

Paul went through a lot of crap and he found a sense of acceptance in the blogging community.

He was always generous with his time reading and sharing blogs.

Paul, you will be missed.

Please pay your respects to his family.

efa87b1cb1a13e6ddd8edad58dcee694
PAUL AND DAPHNE

PAL FITNESS

“Fitness” is the root to success in any career!!

Paul came up with this award. Remember life is short and be awesome! 

chalkboard-black

 

Attempts on her Life

Be a bare foot bear in mind, body and spirit.

Daisy

LIFE UPDATE

There has been so much going on-trying to write consistently  and coherently has and is still a struggle.

I did a major overdose in March 2018 (yes, stupid and I didn’t want to come out of it)-the gory details are :

I could have died and came close to it.

I went through the whole anger and retaliation at the world stampede.

I’m still struggling to cope with EVERYTHING

Yet I’m still here coping with EVERY THING.

I feel like a machine at times ‚ÄĒ loathe the mundane, monotony ¬†of everyday living.

The enormous amount of stress that we all experience.

I hate this feeling but at the same time I feel the need for routine.

It’s easy to fall into bad ¬†habits. I seem to get into toxic cycles a ¬†lot. I get out of them too.

Oh my hat! After complaining (to whoever would listen)about never getting out open mic gigs; I finally got to  do another open mic night-I got my wish.

It can be an intimidating scene. Pretentious even. I hate the drama and Ego ism that comes with any thing to do with being creative. Best piece of advice I can offer is:

Don’t be like me and think double whiskies are going to make you awesome.

We already are… unless you have complex issues about yourself. Your life, your goals  , etc..

Like me!

So, I did the ¬†open mic 4 minute slot. ¬†ūüėÄ I don’t have a problem performing. Of course ,I worry about how I come across, want people to connect and genuinely clap or show interest cos something sets off a spark.

I got caught up in my head. Yesterday, I was on the phone to my mom about it, and I tried to explain the complete sense of emptiness and loss I feel about my eating disorder.

Nobody seems to really get it. And its unfair to expect them to.

It won’t give up on me but I have people who think I’m cool for being me. That is important.

It’s messed up how we can sometimes let our demons wreak havoc and have a full on hour fest with our emotions.

Disconnecting is  defunct for me.

Its standard to my character and way of dealing with life

Connecting is harder and typing about this may seem fucking boring but it seems necessary.

It’s not meant to be a profound post. WOW! ¬†I know how to beat myself up. Don’t you feel we do that far too much? We are. Hard mofo’s on ourselves.

DO you ever feel like guilt will cause you eternal harrowing sorrow?

It will haunt your every moment. Sneak up on every smile.

I want to be loved and want to figure out what I want.

So this is what I have become Doubtful yet I am still full of gumption.

God, I can be so self absorbed.

Suicide is a huge global problem and it’s getting worse.

Check out lil Donald’s positive message about the ¬†suicide endemic .

Get help and speak out.

I’m glad I’m alive. Christ, it’s a hard struggle. An onward battle. There are precious ,sweet moments that make it worth it.

I’m so glad be alive. Yes, I’m repeating that.

The anger has passed as do all things.

Suicide is not the answer. Its final ‚ÄĒ we don’t know what is on the other side.

What if on the other side we are trapped on one side of a mirror-only able to feel the cold and watch the world without being able to make contact again….

We all need time away from the mundane, from ourselves.

We all have vices ands poisons. Its easy to judge a person by what they use to cope. We walk with the feet that we are born with.

Sometimes we don’t have shoes to wear. It’s often the time we feel most free. ¬†That first contact with bare feet and grass or beach sand is the most grounding and exhilarating feeling a person can experience.

Be a bare foot bear in mind, body and spirit.

Create your own.

Some days you just have to create your own sunshine

Unknown

one liner  Wednesday

 

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About Write to Recover

My blog (that I share) has always been about ‘keeping it real’ and being authentic to myself. I never started out my blog ¬†think¬†ing – YO This is the shizzle-¬†(as my mate Lou says). And then expand my blog to include other passions and interests on Art, mental health, politics, ideas, poetry. I’ve started writing what I’ve ahem.. coined borderline¬†poetry or IN-YER face poetry, done a couple of open mic nights and delved into recorded spoken word projects and film projects.

I wrote/write about the shit going on in my head. I t was and still is a way to get all the crap sifting around my head out and into the written form. It’s a creative outlet.

I call this method of writing ‘Write to recover’ -I often us stream of consciousness techniques. I try not to overthink what I type.

I believe in the quote.

The truth is stranger than fiction

Mark Twain

I don’t know about any of you…

But I’ve lived a long and colourful life (I’m not ¬†bitter, I wear my heart on my sleeve )

I’m just trying to do what I need do to get by.

Music is a full-time love of mine. I want to get into music journalism. I want to write about album reviews and singles.

I have the opportunity to know something many dope and creativists (creative people). who have so much to share. I get the opportunity to do interviews.

I am passionate about interviewing all artists – painters, D’J.’s, film/documentary enthusiasts/ photographers – anyone passionate about being creative.

It is as a bonus if they are aware of mental health issues. Cos we all should be by now. We need to start coming together as a community.

I believe being creative helps improve our mental sense of wellbeing.

No one is perfect. Don’t knock yourself for getting through and surviving

Here is my thought for the day

If someone is going to treat you like crap. Replace their Ass. Especially if they fall into the non -fam category. Don’t give up on your fam, folks.

Daisy/ GOATS2BDazee/Natasha Bodley

self destructive perfectionist

Bear change to mind

Get the facts -don’t bunker down with myths set in era’s

assonated with mercury outlined by hate.

The insane are violent. They murder our children.

They should be put away in a state of silence.

Media hype sensationalise stories to feed your imagination – they profit from.

Ill people who usually die by their own hands – strangulation or when man makes fire.

The insane are weak and lack willpower to get on with life – they scrounge the benefits system.

Watch reality tv and wed misery -cutting the wedding with a carving knife.

It takes strength and courage to live with our selves and pretend all is alright – People need to be signposted to treatment -to gain insight.

The insane must be institutionalised – criminalised for they cannot get better.

In bygone eras physical impairment and oddities were social pariahs to socialite invitees letters.

Insane people and I have nothing in common.

Please, take your insults away from my blissful ignorance

Our circumstances can change in a heartbeat. Worlds have been turned inside out to all humans including your current Destiny upcoming deliverance

Anxiety

Bipolar disorder

Post traumatic disroder

eating disorder

Borderline personality disorder

Depression

Substance abuse

obsessive compulsive disorder

family

Suicide

attempts to get it right

a perfectionists manual in self destruction.

SINK,SWIM,FLY,CRAWL-how I fought social services to get my child back

First posted 2015

Content: How I got my daughter back-  and issues of control/ being out of control

Well bloggers we are already into week three on blogging101 course. Today’s topic is about when you hit writer’s block and using a prompt and to make that prompt personal to your blog. ¬†Let me know what you think.

MY PROMPT:’SINK OR SWIM’¬†

This morning I woke up with a feeling of loss and ¬†a heavy anchor weighing me down. I should have been buzzing. I was three hours away from meeting up with a girl who works with a mental health charity and to work together on a one off workshop to close the stigma between the volunteers and the people they help. Below is all I had to type this morning:¬†warning alert: very woe woe woe is me and not WOW WOW at all.¬†BEFORE I CONTINUE: It came about that¬†THIS LOVELY LADY¬†has¬†recently¬†launched¬†her first novel. How amazing is that? I can’t wait to read it.¬†

THIS IS WHAT I MANAGED TO WRITE  YESTERDAY MORNING :

Why do I only see ugly? What is wrong with me.I can’t love my cat or daughter or partner cos I have trouble¬†accepting¬†me. Why is outer beauty so important to have when I see the beauty of people in all their different¬†guises. My heart has been rung out . The salty ness stings¬†increasingly¬†as it courses through my veins.¬†pumping –you are ugly ¬†you are¬†not good enough.Why now? why these feelings now? My next challenge – like a bull waiting , snorting –¬†A Red¬†mist¬†descends. Red mist that at the end will be..¬† I had writers block I couldn’t think of anything poetic to say. All words seemed shit and I felt shit.¬†¬†

So let me get real and tell you what is really on my mind¬†My head has been doing 360 degree turns lately like that possessed chick in every movie about hauntings and possession. ¬†Except it has been me not some movie. ¬†My weight has been going up and ¬†up – I have had no control. Even with me eating healthily. The numbers have ¬†kept on ¬†going up. I have been getting a ¬†daily beasting from the ¬†Goddess of hard core exersises -Jillean Micheals. No bullshit. No pansy-ing out. No quitting. I am no quitter.Not a sinker. No Titanic. Why is this fucker in my head fucking with me now. I’m finally getting somewhere with myself and what I want to invest all my working time in.

Yup, so I have really been struggling with my mind for a few months Isn’t that crazy? Me wanting to help people who are struggling? I’m struggling. . I had to let go of the figures on the scale. I’ve never done that. How did I ¬†do it? ¬†well, ¬†I decided ¬†I like eating (yes, Anorexics can like eating) ¬†and I eat healthily ¬†already so, I was not about ¬†to go hungry and become ill again. No, this is my time. I wasn’t going to start taking overdoses to cope with the madness inside me – skewered. grilling me .It was bedlam in my head. True bedlam.

I stopped weighing myself every day. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER. ¬†I carried on with 40 minutes of ¬†an intense cardio workout . I didn’t carry on doing 3-4 hour workouts like I have done previously. I did not start monitoring my fluid intake. ¬†In fact I did the opposite and btw ¬†my skin looks the best it ever has. I had to get moving. Get out the house and live. ¬†The critters inside jittering and chattering and ¬†fluttering ¬†chaotically in my mind could carry on.I ¬†carried on with life.

I got out there and I followed through on my next goal. I have my daughter back . I’m already a student with full BA(hons) in Arts and the humanities. I’ve booked our wedding for next year. The one I was never ever going to have. I am finally in a place to help people.

I don’t care if I don’t get paid I’m getting so much back from this.

You know what is even more chaotic than my recent state of mind?  okay -ready?  The training I have been put on to do, is all stuff I worked out on my own and with my family when social services wanted to put my daughter up for adoption.

Why didn’t they get¬†HOMESTART in first?

Or THE FAMILY INTERVENTION TEAM?

How come they didn’t tell me about a 12 week course called called WRAP ( WELLNESS RECOVERY ACTION PLAN)¬† that helps a person put together a support package if a person’s ¬†health starts to get distressed?

This is not some new concept or specialised training. It’s¬†been going on for years and being taught in prisons and schools today. Why didn’t any of the social workers I know signpost me in these ¬†directions?

I stayed up into ¬† the early hours of the morning for weeks. Researching online to find an answer to convince ¬†social services that I could be a mom and ¬†have times when my mental health isn’t all that cracking. ¬†In my research I came across something called ‘ the circle of protection’ (very Lion king – the zulu bit -youknow what I’m on about? an epiphany or something.

Why had none of these highly qualified social workers, guardians of the court, these professionals.. but me thought to put a contingency plan in place?

When my daughter ¬†was put under an interim care order. obviously, I ¬†attended court. The letter for the court date arrived days after the court hearing. I was lucky that I had my family to give me the heads up. I didn’t know that the ¬†alleged assault charges against me , that had been dropped (because their was no physical evidence to suggest that I shook my 12 week old daughter) was only the beginning of ¬†an incredibly long fucken journey home. I was like Hercules and his 12 labours.

Back to the morning of 14/12- Confused, in a state of panic -The former manager of social services – I like to call her Miss Hannigan-you know from ‘Annie’ the movie? ¬†I swear she looks and acts like Miss hannigan – every professional I described her too- could not keep a straight face.

Do I hear happiness here?
Do I hear happiness here?

They knew exactly who I was on about. Anyway, so after court, the wooly and rather snivelly  cardigan came into view- like a red flag. Her voice was the second thing I noticed ,she sounded like one of Marges sisters from the simpsons.

I was like : Where is my daughter going? you can’t just take her from me!

She spluttered in that voice.  

Stop the drink- stop the shit and sort your life out . I wish she could take her own advice.

I found out about a 12 week group called¬†the¬†¬†FREEDOM PROJECT¬†that was running in my neck of the woods. In a nutshell it is a 12 week group¬†that helps women understand why we ¬†enter and stay in abusive relationships. I took Miss Hannigans advice ¬†and self- referred myself to my ¬†¬†LOCAL SUBSTANCE MISUSE TEAM¬†and ¬†I ¬†engaged with a wonderful woman to work out what my drink issues were and how I could manage them. We tried various plans until we ¬†both agreed ¬†that whilst all this was going on, drinking was probably not going to be drunk for the ‘right reasons’. I went to every mother- baby group I could could go to. ¬†I could only see my daughter 10 ¬†hours per week. I missed 7 contact sessions in 12 months. There was ¬†a local contact centre only 5 minutes up the street from where I lived. I had no problems with anybody in that contact centre. Lots of positive feedback. ¬†The contact worker who had become emotionally involved told us she had been taken off ¬†as ¬†our contact worker. Social services and my ex felt that the contact worker was being biased. It is not my fault that every other person who met him thinks the same thing. Whatever that may be.

So,a new contact lady comes on the scene. We did not mix well. It happens in life. I can’t love everyone ūüėÄ Next thing I know and I was now taking ¬†two buses to go and see my child – in a contact centre monitored¬†by cctv like a criminal. This is how the dynamics of our relationship went. If I got on with spending time with my child and didn’t talk much with the contact worker- ¬†she said I was being hostile. If I did chat with her -she said I was distracted and not mentally focused on my child. This contact person has no mental health qualification. Her job ¬†is to collect children from carers/family homes and take them to ¬†a ‘neutral’ meeting/ contact centre and to make sure the child or children get back home safely. She is a fucken flawed human. All her notes ( she was a fan of all the disney songs – those notes were just as agonizing to hear) ¬†were being gurned ¬†into the social workers reports.This is one opinion from someone who was not even qualified. It felt like she was there to prod and provoke a reaction out of me.

I asked the court to authorise  a hair strand test for alcohol and drugs  to be done. The test was only done 7-8 months after my baby was taken into foster care.  It came back negative that I was an alcoholic and drug taker. I am on prescription meds  so that obviously came up.  The non alcoholic levels  of drinking found in my hair proved to them I had drunk alcohol but not at the levels they were making out.From  the period  I decided  to go teetotal the levels had reduced even more.  It all  came back negative.

I was in a very violent and manipulative relationship. This ¬†ahem.. man treat me like something he found in the gutter. He warped my mind. ¬†My mental health was exacerbated in that relationship. I dealt with this issue and I don’t want to say more on here out of respect for my daughter. He walked away when he lost control. When my daughter is at an age she can make and formulate her own opinions ¬†that will be the time I decide to give her the information about her paternal father and seek him out and ask him whatever questions she wishes too.

I paid nearly ¬£400 to do a parenting course online because social services stated I could not do a certain group because my ex was attending it and my daughter had to be over 5 years of age. ¬†He got on it because he has two sons under 18. I got my daughter back under a ¬†full care order -on the 28/04/2013 . ¬†She was not even three ¬†years old and all of a sudden I could attend this 12 week¬†government funded parenting course¬†for¬†free. I had THIS IRO ‘professional’¬†come into my home and threaten me. She tried to wind me up because I made a comment about her not even having met my daughter and she was the person to ratify the adoption plan. She sat on my living room suite and re-iterated that it was her that ratified the adoption plan and still held that view. ¬†If I had a problem with her then I could change ¬†IRO’s.

I looked her straight in the eyes and I said “NO, you and me are going to see this through to the end” -It was like something out of a western movie. Eyeballing one another.

“Yes. we will” she puffed out her chest and chuckled to her ‘henchman’ .The person she brought with her to intimidate me. What makes me want to poke out her eyehole is at the final LAC review meeting¬†she was hugging me and saying I had taught her something about people with mental health issues and ¬†she realised how ignorant she had been. This woman works with dozens of cases like mine everyday. Mental health is not a new endemic in society. I hope ,you the reader can see why I am ranting at this..

I always say ‘ I hold up my hands ¬†I am far from being perfect‘. I would actually like this to be emgraved on my grave. I have said the phrase so many times. ¬†The thing is ¬†but I put in the effort in and they did not want to own up that they fucked up and I wasn’t what they read on paper and what they thought I would be like. ALL PEOPLE WITH MENTAL¬†HEALTH¬†ISSUES ARE DELUDED RIGHT? HAVE¬†NO SENSE OF REALITY..

Here is my point, It didn’t have to go straight to adoption but it was easy for them to place ¬†my innocent ¬†12 week year old child. Blue eyed ¬†with blonde hair and ¬†not soiled and tainted from being ragged around a defunkt system. ¬†No behaviour issues. An easy adoption case. They call it ‘twin tracking’

Ha , you should have seen the ¬†guardian’s face when I told her that the chances of my daughter being adopted after being told that mental health issues run in her paternal and or maternal family drops. She was 25% less likely to get adopted. ¬†Oh they loved me. My legal team were ace. I communicated and I asked questions and I researched.

As a volunteer I have a ticket to go to this PARENTING AND MENTAL HEALTH CONFERENCE

I hope a few social workers will be there to learn something about mental health .

I’m not angry. I finally know why I went through all this shit. now I ¬†can do the professional training and help other people. ¬†I’m not bitter- AM I FUCK?¬†¬†Thank you social services for giving me such a hard time. It has led me to take the actions to ¬† where I am in this new chapter in my life. I am strong and empowered and¬†passionate¬†and every time I have fallen in my life, ¬†I get up. ¬†Everytime. These other less invasive ¬†helpful ¬†services should ¬†be taken into account and be brought to the attention of a person before they start taking kids off their parents and family without the full facts. I’m not talking about the families where abuse goes on. I’m telling you what I have experienced ¬†There is so much wrong with the system. I’m gonna volunteer my heart out.

Thank ¬†fuck for silver linings. I not only have my daughter and my partner and my beautiful ¬†family and friends ¬†to live for but I have been given a gift of knowledge and I will be trained to help people who need some support and advice. I must share this knowledge of how I got my baby girl back and how much I have changed and how fucken exhilarating and terrifying ¬† it is but it is worth the fight. I’m not the only one. There are so many more who are terrified to talk because they feel threatened and bullied by social services. CHANGE ¬†must happen and I will do anything I can to be a part of that. ¬†If you have read this far. Thank You. Never give up your right to speak . I had a ¬†‘gagging order’ imposed upon ¬†me when my child was a ward of the courts( This is the law in England) . I don’t anymore and I am well within my legal rights to post this. ¬†I want to use my skills and my creativity in writing and acting to help people remember ¬†how to communicate again and it is a right of theirs to have a voice…

P.S. I still am partial to a cocktail or two ¬†when I’m not looking after my health ¬†for one thing or another -usually for a dress to fit in to ¬†go somewhere.

P.P.S. I have written a stage play inspired by these events with a Brecht like influence. I wrote it for my final end of module assignment for my degree at the Open university and I got a 1st for it.  I might put it up sometime . I might not.

Head Mace

*Inspired by daily human observation* 

Citizens arrest a seizure

exploding out of her chest

Detest the demise of optimism- look aT that crumpled face

bereft.

Raging carnival trying to stay straight

‘Nature welcomes me’

Though not blinded by an attempt on her savage drinking spree.

Moments owned  in contemplation

Detest she caught a Jack Wills scent  immersed is  his idealised rave nation.

How many  t Рissues to imbibe.

Called her his inbred so he could remain high

Sensational arrest

No mirror to attest to the beauty she finds.

searched google maps for Scalifax’s finest hearth.

Should she lay down to rest?

Wait for a sudden epiphany?

Her mind can’t take twocker ¬†ignition games from kids still wet behind the ears,

straggling their momma’s rancid pyjamas

Searching for a place to settle in between her knees.

Scrumpy Jack persona

she assumes

Is she really a cut above the estate who try to convince her they have answers to all the clues?

She’s not like them.

This species are not her brethren.

English cider tasters of blood from a irrefutable provider

Knock heads against tombstones and concrete walls.

Green-eyed,Winkie  slept behind a grill gate to keep out the flybys.

Vulnerable heart -veil lifted from day one.

Chinese whispers of some busy blasted scum

Common decency leaves the palm of her hand -slaps a face hard – its body turns

enthralled at the chance to appear overly occupied.

Enjoy chillled !at 6 percent 

Bad move to guide to her to her own whereabouts

She paid for her own calm connotation.

Guideline on  how to  avoid walking  into a web of sin

Tanned face betrays ¬†that her heart hasn’t felt ¬†akin.

There’s nothing of substance behind the beer goggled eyes.

Monotone life

get up

get dressed,

smoke a roll up

take a sip of the brew that simulates a disguise of content.

She’s not one to say she’s any better than these numbed, train fare skivers

Fun when a teenager…..

Numbers on the ¬†increase –

She thinks they should at least have figured out how to suit up and boot up

Yes, use your all your  ties.

Bound up in this place of besmirching death

Positive energy sniffing up the vibes

conflicted as the amish addicted to meth

Red ant crawling up her thigh

more focused than most humans she has the pleasure to relate to

One mighty jump off this stony  hearth would not be

how she would want end her life

not nigh.

Sun in her heart

Moon never far to seduce her into a twisted cadence with

legs defiantly apart.

‘The settle’ calls her home – ¬†shrieks filled with the ego of the Saint Lies -a Spinne.

What business has she pollinating with  the  bees?

It’s her playground too.

She won’t ¬†let the bastards inject their humdrum existence –

unleash their quiet, unpalatable disease.

Point fingers at an indecipherable colour or sound

The ku klux clan live but one gate from the smack head who sleeps with the blood hound.

Remove these walls ineffectively

Family values, Adams apple samples the hit of threes company too

Humour her, she never  preached to know every pelvic beat.

Extend a hand

Forget not

that one gaze will settle reflectively

Don’t make another feel uneasy

Solely because it’s you who feels Queasy.

Smirking at them playing it cool

Do they think she is a brassic , court  jester fool?

Indulge  them she does.

but only because she knows the truth

They live a life that’s ¬†ambiguously impenetrable.

The difference between the simple life and herself ?

Empathy.

Compassion.

An open mind.

Sentiments branded on her – costs three lifetimes in wages to wear her kind of fashion.

Attempts at making her feel she is wrong and potentially illiterate.

It’s beyond a joke – she plays naive – she knows ¬†they are a hoax

She treads through a land full of tossers

Pity not more of them get fired off into a land of terrorist moshers.

Feelings misgiven

This drink was an attempt at a pitch

It’s not her style.

impetigo limper

brewed up to tease pacman eating jack and jills in a ditch .

Irate she  saw integrity  in one other smothered core.

Ineffectual – yapping up intoxicated mummies three day old pyjamas.

Think it’s an accomplishment to shove her mistrials in front of her face?

How many more fuck you’s ¬†and put up’s must to deal with?

Momma doesn’t need their ¬†drama’s?

The issue with people who stick together in stitches

is that without an audience -without a chase

they will dangle that carrot

especially when their  life is on the down

squinting them  into the glitch.

They need her kind more than her kind needs theirs .

Empty out  the contents of a full can of scrumpy poison

One factor in blurring all boundaries.

Is it fair to intoxicate nature with man -made hootch?

She’s repulsed – she sees them all ¬†their stark naked ¬†form

such is her clarity

who to label as a warning ‘ there goes another douche’ ?¬†

ethics, medics, system of values- it’s an appeal to their humanity.

Need to get out

Get out of this space

She can see she’s playing into this heinous fate.

She makes her rules

She breaks the rules

only because she knows them so  well- lets state she knows how to present the look of

I’m off my face¬†

Temptation heel to her command

She regrets inaction of  strength she  usually ordains

only this time she lacks

Fuck it , she is done with the cloud of visual  mace

She’ll get hammered at a location ,

on her request,

digest

satiate

Can she have a mirror?

Third eye awaken to  the true head case.

Photocredit Francessa woodman

 

 

 

Mystery solved

Finally, I can accept this award. My comma, on my keyboard, stopped working yesterday! ¬† Yes, I couldn’t pause, I couldn’t¬†breathe!

Today being the last day of 2016. oh yeah! I would like to¬†thank the lovely -B.G @ Getting Through Anxiety for this mysterious award. I’ve secretly been wanting it for a long time. ¬†mwahaha¬†(evil laughter)

card-flowers-daisies-thank-you-card-flower-chamomile-thank-you

I will nominate 20 blogs who I think need be seen more and if they are AWARD FREE, I still believe in these blogs and what they have to say. 

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IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT ZEE- RULES ARE THUS:

  • Display your chosen ¬†award logo/image on your blog- (google images are a great place to find one to suit your style)

  • List the rules

 

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to the nominator‚Äôs blog

  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well –¬†OKOTO ENIGMA’S BLOG ‚ĶBecause life is all about learning new things and having fun

  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself

  • Answer 5 questions from the nominator (me)

  • Nominate 10 ‚Äď 20 people

  • Notify your nominees by leaving the nomination link in the ‚Äúcomment‚ÄĚ of their blog

  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question (specify)

  • Share the link(s) to your best post(s)

      THREE THINGS ABOUT ME

  1. I am all heart but I can stick up for myself and I am no pushover. ¬†ūüėÄ

  2. I doubt myself constantly but I never give up 

  3. I woke up to this song in my head

     Q&A TIME

Have you had a crush on your teacher as a teenager?

Mmmh.. I’d be lying if I say no. I vaguely remember¬†a male teacher¬†when I probably not even 12 years old; yet, I can’t remember what he taught or his name or even what school I was at but, I do remember feelings stir inside me. ¬†Obviously very short lived and not memorable enough to go into detail. ūüėĬ†

If you had the power to change one thing in your past, what would that be?

I would wear my glasses or beg¬†for my family to get me fitted for ¬†contact lenses so, I could actually see the world I was living in and see people’s expressions, learn to lip read, watch nonverbal communication, not be so internalized and complexed by my imagined ideas of how I thought others felt about me.¬†

Which country is your next dream vacation, and what made you want to go there?

Really? ¬† ¬†cheating here. I need to go to Italy and Greece. ¬†I’m obsessed with Western mythology. I really¬†want to travel to all over the East. I imagine when I visit India, I will wake super early so I can¬†get to the Taj Mahal¬†before all the other tourists so that I can experience being there and feel and hear the energy of silence.¬†

Do you think it is okay to keep secrets even between best friends?

Well, it depends on the secret. If it is personal to whichever friend and is not compromising my loyalty to my other friends, then yes. It’s a tough one.

If you could be transformed into something else, what would be your preference, and why?

In winter, I would like to my cat – not anybody else’s but my Miss Tatiana. In summer and spring, I would want to be a fairy or a pixie – some creature able to fly, create magic, observe others without being noticed. In Autumn I would like to have a chance to be a tree. I want to know what it feels like to lose my leaves, foliage etc.. I want to feel that season from a Tree’s perspective. Just don’t cut me down.¬†

MY NOMINEES: ¬† (RANDOM ORDER ) ¬†IFYOU DON’T DO AWARDS TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT -I SEEK NOTHING IN RETURN

I’m rolling with the same questions I was asked ūüôā¬†

  1. THE WRITINGS OF JASPER KERKAU

  2. CELONA’S BLOG Expressions Meet Realism; THE ADEPT MIND OF OKPERE CHARLES

  3. samantha lucero she writes stuff sometimes.

  4. Dalindcy

  5. lois e. linkens poems and prose from a confused english student

  6. SEE HOW YOU CAN SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.. One stop problem solving blog..

  7. summer SHINES Because life’s a playground, so why not play :

  8. Carolina@YesterdayAfter Art Inspiring Magic

  9. SHELDON KLEEMAN

  10. dellartista The Happy Cottage: A place where anyone can come and share their writing, art or just to share thoughts or feelings.

  11. PEOPLE REBUILDERS FOUNDATION

  12. Matthew Tonks’ Twisted Roads of Madness

  13. 1000 Shades of women -empowering women

  14. The Thinkers Paradise A Walk Through Kaleidoscope of Life

  15. Expressions of my life ‚Äď An evolution of art. MY JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE AS AN ARTIST, FATHER, AND PERSON WITH YOUNG ONSET PARKINSONS

  16. adventuringwithlove-A LIFESTYLE BLOG BASED IN MANCHESTER, UK

  17. The Beauty of Words Mastering social media, writing, and editing

  18. The darkest fairytale

  19. Labeled Disabled The journey of a woman moving beyond labels and disabilities to embrace her true essence and path.

  20. GARY@ Fiction is Food

See you in 2017 – onwards and upwards. Make it your own.

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If you didn’t know…..

Morning Bloggers!

It’s been a stressful year, survived – again! I received my results for my first TMA for my MA . ¬†I’m currently going through my options and rights as a student with the institution I am studying with. I can’t really go into¬† all the details it at this point. ¬†I have received an unofficial ¬†apology and have been advised¬†to take it further.

I will say: I won’t be bullied by anybody.

giphy

The themes I write about are close to my heart. I will fight for an ¬†official apology , I’m not so sure about asking for it to be remarked-although other people who have read my work and, understand stage and theater ¬†and the issues I raise say I should demand a remark.

¬†For me, it’s more about the principle. The people in my life who know the full story of what has happened (especially those who ¬†have seen the comments) which don’t focus on ¬†the academic side of my writing (and who work in the mental health and vulnerable ¬†sector in my community) ¬†are furious on my behalf and are ¬†horrified by the ignorance displayed the person who marked my paper.

I have all the evidence and support to take it further, I just need to make a decision.

I will keep you updated on the outcome.

So, on a more positive note I have been nominated for the SUNSHINE BLOGGER AWARD by¬†Megan Elizabeth Creative Imaginations¬†card-flowers-daisies-thank-you-card-flower-chamomile-thank-you check out her random facts page. She’s based in Chicago!

THE RULES

  • Thank whoever nominees¬†your blog – Me in this case!¬†

  • Indulge yourself and answer any questions¬†you feel happy to answer

  • Spread¬† that radiance to some other awesome blogs to keep the light shining brightly.

  • Use these questions or make up your own to ask your nominees

  • Tell your nominees that they have been nominated.¬†

  • Put your preferred logo award on display . I chose this one.¬†

sunshine-blogger.png

Q&A TIME

Which decade do you miss the most?

I don’t miss it because I wasn’t alive at the time. I do feel drawn to the twenties. I love jazz, I love the bohemian artsy fartsy-ness of that time, politics, and art movement that brought so many creative and eccentric and bloody brilliant ¬†minds together. I hate war but I love the culture ¬†that grew from such an inauspicious ¬†time.

Yes, I love the decadence- ignorance is bliss -for a brief moment. I love the lingo, the dancing, the style, I love all of it. The struggles during the war which is a stark contrast to the early 20’s.

I also have always loved Rap/hip hop. I had to know every¬†word of Snoop Dogs lyrics. I do think he promoted his brand in a ¬†sexist ¬†manner but I love his smooth, humorous and effortless way of rapping that doesn’t come across like he wants to start a war. It was about the Fedora hats and Pimps – it wasn’t meant to be taken too seriously but everyone has their own interpretation of the music and the culture that grows from a genre of music.

¬†I do wish I had been around when disco and hip-hop¬†emerged in the late 1970’s and 80’s. I ¬†love Grandmaster Flash, Mr. Hollywood etc..

 I appreciate how  important music is in forming a culture and how it can divide and bring people and communities together.

 I was a rave bunny, a mosher , a skater girl, a raggamuffin.

I love all music.

I love writing.

I love poetry.

I was a part of the E ¬†generation of the nineties. Alcohol wasn’t a popular drug to get high on and I saw a lot less fighting and a lot of different sub -cultures come together and accept each other for their differences.

To which poet do you feel most connected to?

Charles Bukowski and Sylvia Plath -(didn’t think much of her novel ‘Bell jar’ ) I do love her poetry.

Your spirit cartoon character/TV show artist?

Erm… My latest love is ‘Reign’ – just finished binge watching all three seasons and I love the politics and the scandal of that era ¬†and I love to see queens kicking butt. Queen Mary of Scots, Queen Elizabeth Ist rock!

How has your blog helped you the most?

I get to write and people read my posts and get me! What more can I ask for?

I ‘ve made some awesome connections through blogging – It is a great way for me to express myself in any way I wish. ¬†This blog and the people who support me have seen me through some crazy and turbulent times.

I nominate  -(I know some of these are award free blogs but I feel you have been a great support and ray of sunlight in times of need, whether you know it or not)

 

I think I will stop there

THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BALL OF SUNSHINE !

SUNSHINE WILL FOLLOW THE RAIN 

Nora bayes