Kalinda

When my Kalinda peers into his reflection he see’s jagged, ragged parts of a body

discombobulate

Staggered yet separate. -body parts sewn together haphazardly.

The truth is stranger than fiction.

How can it be!

his soul mate doesn’t mirror the effort in his deeds.

ffinger nails claw and pierce at skin -prolong hanging flesh separated from bone

VIP’s seated , assume an opinionated speculation into the art of this self destruct –

The blown up bags come from the baldy eagle, wearing a t-shirt that says ‘corrupt -will sell poison to feed my ego.’

Skullbones crossed.

Point in rage to pandora’s obsessive flirtation with suicide.

Maidenhead Hymen annuls her delusional animas.

Make her believe!

it helps her to inhale insecticides.

What is wrong with all that is her?

doesnt she get that her life can be more than a bargain plea?

why does every stonewalled chamber gather breathe from disjointed words,

instead of radiating from true love’s scribbled scribes in blank verse.

Write to recover. Recover to write.

Perform this pantmine on las ramblas , in the hope the days will turn bright.

Supportive cups hold up the excess mounds.

‘damn you look good, healthy, put some weight on’

Must she hear this now? or indeed ever!

It’s too avant garde even for Gaudy.

Face swollen from a sting with an arbitrary drone.

Monthly luna flickers up sheds of decrepit blood clots;

compund that to a portrait that makes her face plump–fits of

dis – ease

– please,

stop with the back handed compliments, hun.

Hands hesitate over arms once scrawny, cheek bones sliced inwards.,

She’s rather own her shame and reach every gaze at her in a state of lean chronic thigh gap syndrome

spongy Food floats

expands

-drowns all sign of hope.

enough self loathing to remedy it with a calibre of a gun.

Date with Russian roulette –

6 chance distractions from this body, this mind ,every part called forward into existence.

five rounds until she lands in the seat of a crash test dummy.

Grief , guilt ,

unpleasant to the taste.

fret bursts in beads of sweat – her few will revolt into petulant demonstrations of

why?

again?

how?

and when?

Get by on hope and luck and a fine mother hen

A good sized egg , pair of irises that delude her into feeling all her sins have been revoked.

and so, they lived…

Life update

I’ve finally received my results for my 1st year, doing my Masters, in Creative writing.

Drum rolls.

PASS-with merit. I officially can use more random letters after my name — ha ha!

I  am now  in possession of a post graduate certificate in the Arts and Humanities!

giphy7

Wow! Amazing.

How’s this going to help me with what I want do?

I have a dream.

I do. 😀

One of my goals is to move back to France. They love people with diplomas. I hope to get a well paid job there. I need to book a trip to The French embassy later on this year. My husband has decided he is going to take on my surname and become a French national.  He’s English!

He’s not only English, he is  Northern, from  West Yorkshire.

d9ef31b42a30d50a71e1a3f446a1dfb5-yorkshire-humour

 

I need to register my Bella Bee as a French national because even though she is more English than I am. Born here.  English Dad and roots. The British government  will not give her a British  passport because I was ordered by her majesty’s court to  register her Fathers name on her birth certificate and now they won’t give her one!

Beauracratic nightmare.

I feel so uneasy about my family not having a passport. My entire life, It was drummed into me to always have my passport (in date)in case, we moved countries.

Which we did- a lot!

Moving on . ( pun unintentionally intended  :D)

What’s  happening in my life?

Loads of shit- ha ha! as usual.

I’m doing better –  I keep making a come back.  Oh, life – you little tease!

Dare me to live.

 Dare me to succeed!

Challenge accepted.

quote-you-can-t-shake-hands-with-a-closed-fist-mahatma-gandhi-83-29-01

 

Daisy’s mental health 

Yeah, it’s been.

up and down,

down ,

down ,

down –

up again ,

very up –

insanely manic,

toxic,

low,

not quite sure

,emotional ,

aargh why did that and that and that and ..

did I do that?

Those kind of moments, really.

 

Surely someone can relate?

Not happy about a medication increase in my anti depressant.

I don’t of any person who is on  (high/ highest legal doses) of

Two antidepressants

Two anti psychotics

Two anti anxiety tablets,

and sleeping medication.

I know  my health posse want the best for me.

I don’t bullshit them.

I tell if I’ve been using shit coping mechanisms, good ones. Thoughts ,feelings…

I made my psychiatrist laugh.

Go me!

giphy8

HE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THIS 😉

He offered me psychology therapy — again .

I was like:

‘Look Dr J, seriously every time I sign up to a pyschologist , they leave!’

 All my psychologists have left me half way through  doing whatever new pycho babble, current trend treatment , is used, to deal with folk such as myself.

One dude, fell asleep in a couple of our sessions.

So, I was like

‘ Listen, I know how to use CBT/DBT, I know how to communicate and talk. I know what keeps me well . I just want a cure’

Another laugh escapes from Dr J.

He is a legend.

A legend ? yes, but not a wizard 😦

He totally gets me and I feel I have a choice in medication changes etc..

I’ve asked to come off one of my meds because I don’t see the point of being on it. It hasn’t helped me.

These meds have affected my memory. I’m terrified of getting Dementia. I’ve been on (legal) tablets since I was 13/14 and I’ve never been off medication.

Never!

Talking about memory.

c804e39286ead01e85ea26a0bd9e197c542cde955af0819b32d4751746a7fe41

I’m using my creative outlets to start getting into the open mic poetry scene .

I love performing but my memory is really rubbish. I’m going to brave it by doing more live poetry next week. I’m excited. Nervous.  It’s all good.

I have my final year of my MA to keep me — super  occupied.  There is a lot of work to do. For part of my thesis ( check me out)

I’m thinking of using my blog to interview creative folk who live in my community to talk about, their work,  (durr!)  Creativity and their mental health. My photographer mate is on board to take pictures. Some people have shown interest — yeah!

My heads occupied which is good.

Fab!

Awesome!

How will doing this  help me with my thesis and final work?

Well, I am going to use this year of discovery and research on the link between mental health and creativity as an alternative form of therapy to cope with life’s unpredictable moments.

Then I  will have loads of inspiration to write a film script (120 minutes) on a character ,who , is thrown back into society after a long stint in mental /prison  institutions , and who is looking to find him/herself  and another way of being  and expressing him/herself  positively, in society.

The opening scene will kind of look like this

I have an ending – (a bit abstract at the moment) – saying there words:

‘I look around for the first time with clarity. And see I’m exactly where I need to be. Around the misfits. The beautiful misfits just like me.’

DAISY’S UN NAMED CHARACTER 

It’s all early days and I still have  4 scripts to write, a critique and a character  analysis on a famous playwright to do before the final chapter.

All in all. I’m alive, optimistic-ish, full of emotion, drive, passion , a pain in the ass but just doing my thing. 

All terribly boring really… 😀 

So, I am back!

I can’t commit daily to blogging but I have joined a group on Facebook.  

Shout out to Gary @ fiction is food  for adding me.

It’s a website for us!

BIG UP YOUR BLOG!

Bloggers.

 I’m  a newbie, its good be around other bloggers again. I’m hoping it will keep me  off Facebook and keep me connecting with people like yourself. People who use their time more productively. Doh, oh the irony.

One rant before I go :   I wish people would stop leaving public posts about my appearance on my Facebook.

If you ever happen to read this

I know you are having a shit time dealing with your own weight issues. I’m well aware of mine. Please take a look at yourself. Look after yourself first. If you don’t – FUCK OFF! 

 

That is a wrap.  I know. Hilarious! ha ha!

Thank you so much for reading

Time to step out and live real life..

Catch up soon!

giphy9

What’s everyone else doing with life?  Blogging?

I’m genuinely curious to know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WordPress member passed away.

Apologies for  being a bearer of bad news (again), I received a message today from a relative about a WordPress member in our community.

I’m devastated as I am sure his family are.

Paul Mc Aleavy aka Palfitness passed away yesterday.

Paul went through a lot of crap and he found a sense of acceptance in the blogging community.

He was always generous with his time reading and sharing blogs.

Paul, you will be missed.

Please pay your respects to his family.

efa87b1cb1a13e6ddd8edad58dcee694

PAUL AND DAPHNE

 

PAL FITNESS

“Fitness” is the root to success in any career!!

 

Paul came up with this award. Remember life is short and be awesome! 

chalkboard-black

 

 

Head Mace

*Inspired by daily human observation* 

Citizens arrest a seizure

exploding out of her chest

Detest the demise of optimism- look aT that crumpled face

bereft.

Raging carnival trying to stay straight

‘Nature welcomes me’

Though not blinded by an attempt on her savage drinking spree.

Moments owned  in contemplation

Detest she caught a Jack Wills scent  immersed is  his idealised rave nation.

How many  t – issues to imbibe.

Called her his inbred so he could remain high

Sensational arrest

No mirror to attest to the beauty she finds.

searched google maps for Scalifax’s finest hearth.

Should she lay down to rest?

Wait for a sudden epiphany?

Her mind can’t take twocker  ignition games from kids still wet behind the ears,

straggling their momma’s rancid pyjamas

Searching for a place to settle in between her knees.

Scrumpy Jack persona

she assumes

Is she really a cut above the estate who try to convince her they have answers to all the clues?

She’s not like them.

This species are not her brethren.

English cider tasters of blood from a irrefutable provider

Knock heads against tombstones and concrete walls.

Green-eyed,Winkie  slept behind a grill gate to keep out the flybys.

Vulnerable heart -veil lifted from day one.

Chinese whispers of some busy blasted scum

Common decency leaves the palm of her hand -slaps a face hard – its body turns

enthralled at the chance to appear overly occupied.

Enjoy chillled !at 6 percent 

Bad move to guide to her to her own whereabouts

She paid for her own calm connotation.

Guideline on  how to  avoid walking  into a web of sin

Tanned face betrays  that her heart hasn’t felt  akin.

There’s nothing of substance behind the beer goggled eyes.

Monotone life

get up

get dressed,

smoke a roll up

take a sip of the brew that simulates a disguise of content.

She’s not one to say she’s any better than these numbed, train fare skivers

Fun when a teenager…..

Numbers on the  increase –

She thinks they should at least have figured out how to suit up and boot up

Yes, use your all your  ties.

Bound up in this place of besmirching death

Positive energy sniffing up the vibes

conflicted as the amish addicted to meth

Red ant crawling up her thigh

more focused than most humans she has the pleasure to relate to

One mighty jump off this stony  hearth would not be

how she would want end her life

not nigh.

Sun in her heart

Moon never far to seduce her into a twisted cadence with

legs defiantly apart.

‘The settle’ calls her home –  shrieks filled with the ego of the Saint Lies -a Spinne.

What business has she pollinating with  the  bees?

It’s her playground too.

She won’t  let the bastards inject their humdrum existence –

unleash their quiet, unpalatable disease.

Point fingers at an indecipherable colour or sound

The ku klux clan live but one gate from the smack head who sleeps with the blood hound.

Remove these walls ineffectively

Family values, Adams apple samples the hit of threes company too

Humour her, she never  preached to know every pelvic beat.

Extend a hand

Forget not

that one gaze will settle reflectively

Don’t make another feel uneasy

Solely because it’s you who feels Queasy.

Smirking at them playing it cool

Do they think she is a brassic , court  jester fool?

Indulge  them she does.

but only because she knows the truth

They live a life that’s  ambiguously impenetrable.

The difference between the simple life and herself ?

Empathy.

Compassion.

An open mind.

Sentiments branded on her – costs three lifetimes in wages to wear her kind of fashion.

Attempts at making her feel she is wrong and potentially illiterate.

It’s beyond a joke – she plays naive – she knows  they are a hoax

She treads through a land full of tossers

Pity not more of them get fired off into a land of terrorist moshers.

Feelings misgiven

This drink was an attempt at a pitch

It’s not her style.

impetigo limper

brewed up to tease pacman eating jack and jills in a ditch .

Irate she  saw integrity  in one other smothered core.

Ineffectual – yapping up intoxicated mummies three day old pyjamas.

Think it’s an accomplishment to shove her mistrials in front of her face?

How many more fuck you’s  and put up’s must to deal with?

Momma doesn’t need their  drama’s?

The issue with people who stick together in stitches

is that without an audience -without a chase

they will dangle that carrot

especially when their  life is on the down

squinting them  into the glitch.

They need her kind more than her kind needs theirs .

Empty out  the contents of a full can of scrumpy poison

One factor in blurring all boundaries.

Is it fair to intoxicate nature with man -made hootch?

She’s repulsed – she sees them all  their stark naked  form

such is her clarity

who to label as a warning ‘ there goes another douche’ ? 

ethics, medics, system of values- it’s an appeal to their humanity.

Need to get out

Get out of this space

She can see she’s playing into this heinous fate.

She makes her rules

She breaks the rules

only because she knows them so  well- lets state she knows how to present the look of

I’m off my face 

Temptation heel to her command

She regrets inaction of  strength she  usually ordains

only this time she lacks

Fuck it , she is done with the cloud of visual  mace

She’ll get hammered at a location ,

on her request,

digest

satiate

Can she have a mirror?

Third eye awaken to  the true head case.

Photocredit Francessa woodman

 

 

 

SOS!

Sometimes it’s not the people who actually know you -who want to see you succeed but I know when I started blogging on WordPress, I found a supportive community of people on here.

Sometimes it takes the people who don’t know us to see something in us that others can’t or won’t.

We are live!

La bella bijoux Ltd is online!   LOOK HERE

This is the start of a long and hard and remarkable journey.

I have so much to learn. SEO blah blah

I’m getting there

PLEASE  can you like my business facebook page

LA BELLA BIJOUX FACEBOOK

FOLLOW me on instagram

Share my Blog post on WIX -PLEASE.    HERE

Today, I have drafted scene two of my TMA 3 – Omniscience – about a girl with second sight.

I’m about to get ready to get a train to do  Week two of the Drama workshop I am on.

My Bella made her own jewelry last night. In 20-30 years times, it will be vintage and Retro. ha ha!

I will catch up on all the study material etc on the train to Leeds university, I need to catch up on.

I found out over the weekend that in May 2017 ( if I pass)  I get a post graduate certificate in the Humanities.

AMAZING.

Thanks for being so patient.

36186390-368-k525336

 

Mystery solved

Finally, I can accept this award. My comma, on my keyboard, stopped working yesterday!   Yes, I couldn’t pause, I couldn’t breathe!

Today being the last day of 2016. oh yeah! I would like to thank the lovely -B.G @ Getting Through Anxiety for this mysterious award. I’ve secretly been wanting it for a long time.  mwahaha (evil laughter)

card-flowers-daisies-thank-you-card-flower-chamomile-thank-you

I will nominate 20 blogs who I think need be seen more and if they are AWARD FREE, I still believe in these blogs and what they have to say. 

photogrid_1476365262777-1.jpg

IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT ZEE- RULES ARE THUS:

  • Display your chosen  award logo/image on your blog- (google images are a great place to find one to suit your style)

  • List the rules

 

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to the nominator’s blog

  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well – OKOTO ENIGMA’S BLOG …Because life is all about learning new things and having fun

  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself

  • Answer 5 questions from the nominator (me)

  • Nominate 10 – 20 people

  • Notify your nominees by leaving the nomination link in the “comment” of their blog

  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question (specify)

  • Share the link(s) to your best post(s)

      THREE THINGS ABOUT ME

  1. I am all heart but I can stick up for myself and I am no pushover.  😀

  2. I doubt myself constantly but I never give up 

  3. I woke up to this song in my head

     Q&A TIME

Have you had a crush on your teacher as a teenager?

Mmmh.. I’d be lying if I say no. I vaguely remember a male teacher when I probably not even 12 years old; yet, I can’t remember what he taught or his name or even what school I was at but, I do remember feelings stir inside me.  Obviously very short lived and not memorable enough to go into detail. 😀 

If you had the power to change one thing in your past, what would that be?

I would wear my glasses or beg for my family to get me fitted for  contact lenses so, I could actually see the world I was living in and see people’s expressions, learn to lip read, watch nonverbal communication, not be so internalized and complexed by my imagined ideas of how I thought others felt about me. 

Which country is your next dream vacation, and what made you want to go there?

Really?    cheating here. I need to go to Italy and Greece.  I’m obsessed with Western mythology. I really want to travel to all over the East. I imagine when I visit India, I will wake super early so I can get to the Taj Mahal before all the other tourists so that I can experience being there and feel and hear the energy of silence. 

Do you think it is okay to keep secrets even between best friends?

Well, it depends on the secret. If it is personal to whichever friend and is not compromising my loyalty to my other friends, then yes. It’s a tough one.

If you could be transformed into something else, what would be your preference, and why?

In winter, I would like to my cat – not anybody else’s but my Miss Tatiana. In summer and spring, I would want to be a fairy or a pixie – some creature able to fly, create magic, observe others without being noticed. In Autumn I would like to have a chance to be a tree. I want to know what it feels like to lose my leaves, foliage etc.. I want to feel that season from a Tree’s perspective. Just don’t cut me down. 

MY NOMINEES:   (RANDOM ORDER )  IFYOU DON’T DO AWARDS TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT -I SEEK NOTHING IN RETURN

I’m rolling with the same questions I was asked 🙂 

  1. THE WRITINGS OF JASPER KERKAU

  2. CELONA’S BLOG Expressions Meet Realism; THE ADEPT MIND OF OKPERE CHARLES

  3. samantha lucero she writes stuff sometimes.

  4. Dalindcy

  5. lois e. linkens poems and prose from a confused english student

  6. SEE HOW YOU CAN SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.. One stop problem solving blog..

  7. summer SHINES Because life’s a playground, so why not play :

  8. Carolina@YesterdayAfter Art Inspiring Magic

  9. SHELDON KLEEMAN

  10. dellartista The Happy Cottage: A place where anyone can come and share their writing, art or just to share thoughts or feelings.

  11. PEOPLE REBUILDERS FOUNDATION

  12. Matthew Tonks’ Twisted Roads of Madness

  13. 1000 Shades of women -empowering women

  14. The Thinkers Paradise A Walk Through Kaleidoscope of Life

  15. Expressions of my life – An evolution of art. MY JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE AS AN ARTIST, FATHER, AND PERSON WITH YOUNG ONSET PARKINSONS

  16. adventuringwithlove-A LIFESTYLE BLOG BASED IN MANCHESTER, UK

  17. The Beauty of Words Mastering social media, writing, and editing

  18. The darkest fairytale

  19. Labeled Disabled The journey of a woman moving beyond labels and disabilities to embrace her true essence and path.

  20. GARY@ Fiction is Food

See you in 2017 – onwards and upwards. Make it your own.

36186390-368-k525336

 

If you didn’t know…..

Morning Bloggers!

It’s been a stressful year, survived – again! I received my results for my first TMA for my MA .  I’m currently going through my options and rights as a student with the institution I am studying with. I can’t really go into  all the details it at this point.  I have received an unofficial  apology and have been advised to take it further.

I will say: I won’t be bullied by anybody.

giphy

The themes I write about are close to my heart. I will fight for an  official apology , I’m not so sure about asking for it to be remarked-although other people who have read my work and, understand stage and theater  and the issues I raise say I should demand a remark.

 For me, it’s more about the principle. The people in my life who know the full story of what has happened (especially those who  have seen the comments) which don’t focus on  the academic side of my writing (and who work in the mental health and vulnerable  sector in my community)  are furious on my behalf and are  horrified by the ignorance displayed the person who marked my paper.

I have all the evidence and support to take it further, I just need to make a decision.

I will keep you updated on the outcome.

So, on a more positive note I have been nominated for the SUNSHINE BLOGGER AWARD by Megan Elizabeth Creative Imaginations card-flowers-daisies-thank-you-card-flower-chamomile-thank-you check out her random facts page. She’s based in Chicago!

THE RULES

  • Thank whoever nominees your blog – Me in this case! 

  • Indulge yourself and answer any questions you feel happy to answer

  • Spread  that radiance to some other awesome blogs to keep the light shining brightly.

  • Use these questions or make up your own to ask your nominees

  • Tell your nominees that they have been nominated. 

  • Put your preferred logo award on display . I chose this one. 

sunshine-blogger.png

Q&A TIME

Which decade do you miss the most?

I don’t miss it because I wasn’t alive at the time. I do feel drawn to the twenties. I love jazz, I love the bohemian artsy fartsy-ness of that time, politics, and art movement that brought so many creative and eccentric and bloody brilliant  minds together. I hate war but I love the culture  that grew from such an inauspicious  time.

Yes, I love the decadence- ignorance is bliss -for a brief moment. I love the lingo, the dancing, the style, I love all of it. The struggles during the war which is a stark contrast to the early 20’s.

I also have always loved Rap/hip hop. I had to know every word of Snoop Dogs lyrics. I do think he promoted his brand in a  sexist  manner but I love his smooth, humorous and effortless way of rapping that doesn’t come across like he wants to start a war. It was about the Fedora hats and Pimps – it wasn’t meant to be taken too seriously but everyone has their own interpretation of the music and the culture that grows from a genre of music.

 I do wish I had been around when disco and hip-hop emerged in the late 1970’s and 80’s. I  love Grandmaster Flash, Mr. Hollywood etc..

 I appreciate how  important music is in forming a culture and how it can divide and bring people and communities together.

 I was a rave bunny, a mosher , a skater girl, a raggamuffin.

I love all music.

I love writing.

I love poetry.

I was a part of the E  generation of the nineties. Alcohol wasn’t a popular drug to get high on and I saw a lot less fighting and a lot of different sub -cultures come together and accept each other for their differences.

To which poet do you feel most connected to?

Charles Bukowski and Sylvia Plath -(didn’t think much of her novel ‘Bell jar’ ) I do love her poetry.

Your spirit cartoon character/TV show artist?

Erm… My latest love is ‘Reign’ – just finished binge watching all three seasons and I love the politics and the scandal of that era  and I love to see queens kicking butt. Queen Mary of Scots, Queen Elizabeth Ist rock!

How has your blog helped you the most?

I get to write and people read my posts and get me! What more can I ask for?

I ‘ve made some awesome connections through blogging – It is a great way for me to express myself in any way I wish.  This blog and the people who support me have seen me through some crazy and turbulent times.

I nominate  -(I know some of these are award free blogs but I feel you have been a great support and ray of sunlight in times of need, whether you know it or not)

 

I think I will stop there

THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BALL OF SUNSHINE !

SUNSHINE WILL FOLLOW THE RAIN 

Nora bayes