When my Kalinda peers into his reflection he see’s jagged, ragged parts of a body
Staggered yet separate. -body parts sewn together haphazardly.
The truth is stranger than fiction.
How can it be!
his soul mate doesn’t mirror the effort in his deeds.
ffinger nails claw and pierce at skin -prolong hanging flesh separated from bone
VIP’s seated , assume an opinionated speculation into the art of this self destruct –
The blown up bags come from the baldy eagle, wearing a t-shirt that says ‘corrupt -will sell poison to feed my ego.’
Point in rage to pandora’s obsessive flirtation with suicide.
Maidenhead Hymen annuls her delusional animas.
Make her believe!
it helps her to inhale insecticides.
What is wrong with all that is her?
doesnt she get that her life can be more than a bargain plea?
why does every stonewalled chamber gather breathe from disjointed words,
instead of radiating from true love’s scribbled scribes in blank verse.
Write to recover. Recover to write.
Perform this pantmine on las ramblas , in the hope the days will turn bright.
Supportive cups hold up the excess mounds.
‘damn you look good, healthy, put some weight on’
Must she hear this now? or indeed ever!
It’s too avant garde even for Gaudy.
Face swollen from a sting with an arbitrary drone.
Monthly luna flickers up sheds of decrepit blood clots;
compund that to a portrait that makes her face plump–fits of
dis – ease
stop with the back handed compliments, hun.
Hands hesitate over arms once scrawny, cheek bones sliced inwards.,
She’s rather own her shame and reach every gaze at her in a state of lean chronic thigh gap syndrome
spongy Food floats
-drowns all sign of hope.
enough self loathing to remedy it with a calibre of a gun.
Date with Russian roulette –
6 chance distractions from this body, this mind ,every part called forward into existence.
five rounds until she lands in the seat of a crash test dummy.
Grief , guilt ,
unpleasant to the taste.
fret bursts in beads of sweat – her few will revolt into petulant demonstrations of
Get by on hope and luck and a fine mother hen
A good sized egg , pair of irises that delude her into feeling all her sins have been revoked.
I’ve finally received my results for my 1st year, doing my Masters, in Creative writing.
PASS-with merit. I officially can use more random letters after my name — ha ha!
I am now in possession of a post graduate certificate in the Arts and Humanities!
How’s this going to help me with what I want do?
I have a dream.
I do. 😀
One of my goals is to move back to France. They love people with diplomas. I hope to get a well paid job there. I need to book a trip to The French embassy later on this year. My husband has decided he is going to take on my surname and become a French national. He’s English!
He’s not only English, he is Northern, from West Yorkshire.
I need to register my Bella Bee as a French national because even though she is more English than I am. Born here. English Dad and roots. The British government will not give her a British passport because I was ordered by her majesty’s court to register her Fathers name on her birth certificate and now they won’t give her one!
I feel so uneasy about my family not having a passport. My entire life, It was drummed into me to always have my passport (in date)in case, we moved countries.
Which we did- a lot!
Moving on . ( pun unintentionally intended :D)
What’s happening in my life?
Loads of shit- ha ha! as usual.
I’m doing better – I keep making a come back. Oh, life – you little tease!
Dare me to live.
Dare me to succeed!
Daisy’s mental health
Yeah, it’s been.
up and down,
up again ,
very up –
not quite sure
aargh why did that and that and that and ..
did I do that?
Those kind of moments, really.
Surely someone can relate?
Not happy about a medication increase in my anti depressant.
I don’t of any person who is on (high/ highest legal doses) of
Two anti psychotics
Two anti anxiety tablets,
and sleeping medication.
I know my health posse want the best for me.
I don’t bullshit them.
I tell if I’ve been using shit coping mechanisms, good ones. Thoughts ,feelings…
I made my psychiatrist laugh.
He offered me psychology therapy — again .
I was like:
‘Look Dr J, seriously every time I sign up to a pyschologist , they leave!’
All my psychologists have left me half way through doing whatever new pycho babble, current trend treatment , is used, to deal with folk such as myself.
One dude, fell asleep in a couple of our sessions.
So, I was like
‘ Listen, I know how to use CBT/DBT, I know how to communicate and talk. I know what keeps me well . I just want a cure’
Another laugh escapes from Dr J.
He is a legend.
A legend ? yes, but not a wizard 😦
He totally gets me and I feel I have a choice in medication changes etc..
I’ve asked to come off one of my meds because I don’t see the point of being on it. It hasn’t helped me.
These meds have affected my memory. I’m terrified of getting Dementia. I’ve been on (legal) tablets since I was 13/14 and I’ve never been off medication.
Talking about memory.
I’m using my creative outlets to start getting into the open mic poetry scene .
I love performing but my memory is really rubbish. I’m going to brave it by doing more live poetry next week. I’m excited. Nervous. It’s all good.
I have my final year of my MA to keep me — super occupied. There is a lot of work to do. For part of my thesis ( check me out)
I’m thinking of using my blog to interview creative folk who live in my community to talk about, their work, (durr!) Creativity and their mental health. My photographer mate is on board to take pictures. Some people have shown interest — yeah!
My heads occupied which is good.
How will doing this help me with my thesis and final work?
Well, I am going to use this year of discovery and research on the link between mental health and creativity as an alternative form of therapy to cope with life’s unpredictable moments.
Then I will have loads of inspiration to write a film script (120 minutes) on a character ,who , is thrown back into society after a long stint in mental /prison institutions , and who is looking to find him/herself and another way of being and expressing him/herself positively, in society.
The opening scene will kind of look like this
I have an ending – (a bit abstract at the moment) – saying there words:
‘I look around for the first time with clarity. And see I’m exactly where I need to be. Around the misfits. The beautiful misfits just like me.’
DAISY’S UN NAMED CHARACTER
It’s all early days and I still have 4 scripts to write, a critique and a character analysis on a famous playwright to do before the final chapter.
All in all. I’m alive, optimistic-ish, full of emotion, drive, passion , a pain in the ass but just doing my thing.
All terribly boring really… 😀
So, I am back!
I can’t commit daily to blogging but I have joined a group on Facebook.
Shout out to Gary @ fiction is food for adding me.
It’s a website for us!
I’m a newbie, its good be around other bloggers again. I’m hoping it will keep me off Facebook and keep me connecting with people like yourself. People who use their time more productively. Doh, oh the irony.
One rant before I go : I wish people would stop leaving public posts about my appearance on my Facebook.
If you ever happen to read this
I know you are having a shit time dealing with your own weight issues. I’m well aware of mine. Please take a look at yourself. Look after yourself first. If you don’t – FUCK OFF!
That is a wrap. I know. Hilarious! ha ha!
Thank you so much for reading
Time to step out and live real life..
Catch up soon!
What’s everyone else doing with life? Blogging?
I’m genuinely curious to know.
Apologies for being a bearer of bad news (again), I received a message today from a relative about a WordPress member in our community.
I’m devastated as I am sure his family are.
Paul Mc Aleavy aka Palfitness passed away yesterday.
Paul went through a lot of crap and he found a sense of acceptance in the blogging community.
He was always generous with his time reading and sharing blogs.
Paul, you will be missed.
Please pay your respects to his family.
Paul came up with this award. Remember life is short and be awesome!
*Inspired by daily human observation*
Citizens arrest a seizure
exploding out of her chest
Detest the demise of optimism- look aT that crumpled face
Raging carnival trying to stay straight
‘Nature welcomes me’
Though not blinded by an attempt on her savage drinking spree.
Moments owned in contemplation
Detest she caught a Jack Wills scent immersed is his idealised rave nation.
How many t – issues to imbibe.
Called her his inbred so he could remain high
No mirror to attest to the beauty she finds.
searched google maps for Scalifax’s finest hearth.
Should she lay down to rest?
Wait for a sudden epiphany?
Her mind can’t take twocker ignition games from kids still wet behind the ears,
straggling their momma’s rancid pyjamas
Searching for a place to settle in between her knees.
Scrumpy Jack persona
Is she really a cut above the estate who try to convince her they have answers to all the clues?
She’s not like them.
This species are not her brethren.
English cider tasters of blood from a irrefutable provider
Knock heads against tombstones and concrete walls.
Green-eyed,Winkie slept behind a grill gate to keep out the flybys.
Vulnerable heart -veil lifted from day one.
Chinese whispers of some busy blasted scum
Common decency leaves the palm of her hand -slaps a face hard – its body turns
enthralled at the chance to appear overly occupied.
Enjoy chillled !at 6 percent
Bad move to guide to her to her own whereabouts
She paid for her own calm connotation.
Guideline on how to avoid walking into a web of sin
Tanned face betrays that her heart hasn’t felt akin.
There’s nothing of substance behind the beer goggled eyes.
smoke a roll up
take a sip of the brew that simulates a disguise of content.
She’s not one to say she’s any better than these numbed, train fare skivers
Fun when a teenager…..
Numbers on the increase –
She thinks they should at least have figured out how to suit up and boot up
Yes, use your all your ties.
Bound up in this place of besmirching death
Positive energy sniffing up the vibes
conflicted as the amish addicted to meth
Red ant crawling up her thigh
more focused than most humans she has the pleasure to relate to
One mighty jump off this stony hearth would not be
how she would want end her life
Sun in her heart
Moon never far to seduce her into a twisted cadence with
legs defiantly apart.
‘The settle’ calls her home – shrieks filled with the ego of the Saint Lies -a Spinne.
What business has she pollinating with the bees?
It’s her playground too.
She won’t let the bastards inject their humdrum existence –
unleash their quiet, unpalatable disease.
Point fingers at an indecipherable colour or sound
The ku klux clan live but one gate from the smack head who sleeps with the blood hound.
Remove these walls ineffectively
Family values, Adams apple samples the hit of threes company too
Humour her, she never preached to know every pelvic beat.
Extend a hand
that one gaze will settle reflectively
Don’t make another feel uneasy
Solely because it’s you who feels Queasy.
Smirking at them playing it cool
Do they think she is a brassic , court jester fool?
Indulge them she does.
but only because she knows the truth
They live a life that’s ambiguously impenetrable.
The difference between the simple life and herself ?
An open mind.
Sentiments branded on her – costs three lifetimes in wages to wear her kind of fashion.
Attempts at making her feel she is wrong and potentially illiterate.
It’s beyond a joke – she plays naive – she knows they are a hoax
She treads through a land full of tossers
Pity not more of them get fired off into a land of terrorist moshers.
This drink was an attempt at a pitch
It’s not her style.
brewed up to tease pacman eating jack and jills in a ditch .
Irate she saw integrity in one other smothered core.
Ineffectual – yapping up intoxicated mummies three day old pyjamas.
Think it’s an accomplishment to shove her mistrials in front of her face?
How many more fuck you’s and put up’s must to deal with?
Momma doesn’t need their drama’s?
The issue with people who stick together in stitches
is that without an audience -without a chase
they will dangle that carrot
especially when their life is on the down
squinting them into the glitch.
They need her kind more than her kind needs theirs .
Empty out the contents of a full can of scrumpy poison
One factor in blurring all boundaries.
Is it fair to intoxicate nature with man -made hootch?
She’s repulsed – she sees them all their stark naked form
such is her clarity
who to label as a warning ‘ there goes another douche’ ?
ethics, medics, system of values- it’s an appeal to their humanity.
Need to get out
Get out of this space
She can see she’s playing into this heinous fate.
She makes her rules
She breaks the rules
only because she knows them so well- lets state she knows how to present the look of
I’m off my face
Temptation heel to her command
She regrets inaction of strength she usually ordains
only this time she lacks
Fuck it , she is done with the cloud of visual mace
She’ll get hammered at a location ,
on her request,
Can she have a mirror?
Third eye awaken to the true head case.
Photocredit Francessa woodman
Sometimes it’s not the people who actually know you -who want to see you succeed but I know when I started blogging on WordPress, I found a supportive community of people on here.
Sometimes it takes the people who don’t know us to see something in us that others can’t or won’t.
We are live!
La bella bijoux Ltd is online! LOOK HERE
This is the start of a long and hard and remarkable journey.
I have so much to learn. SEO blah blah
I’m getting there
PLEASE can you like my business facebook page
Share my Blog post on WIX -PLEASE. HERE
Today, I have drafted scene two of my TMA 3 – Omniscience – about a girl with second sight.
I’m about to get ready to get a train to do Week two of the Drama workshop I am on.
My Bella made her own jewelry last night. In 20-30 years times, it will be vintage and Retro. ha ha!
I will catch up on all the study material etc on the train to Leeds university, I need to catch up on.
I found out over the weekend that in May 2017 ( if I pass) I get a post graduate certificate in the Humanities.
Thanks for being so patient.
Finally, I can accept this award. My comma, on my keyboard, stopped working yesterday! Yes, I couldn’t pause, I couldn’t breathe!
Today being the last day of 2016. oh yeah! I would like to thank the lovely -B.G @ Getting Through Anxiety for this mysterious award. I’ve secretly been wanting it for a long time. mwahaha (evil laughter)
I will nominate 20 blogs who I think need be seen more and if they are AWARD FREE, I still believe in these blogs and what they have to say.
IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT ZEE- RULES ARE THUS:
Display your chosen award logo/image on your blog- (google images are a great place to find one to suit your style)
List the rules
Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to the nominator’s blog
Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well – OKOTO ENIGMA’S BLOG …Because life is all about learning new things and having fun
Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
Answer 5 questions from the nominator (me)
Nominate 10 – 20 people
Notify your nominees by leaving the nomination link in the “comment” of their blog
Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question (specify)
Share the link(s) to your best post(s)
THREE THINGS ABOUT ME
I am all heart but I can stick up for myself and I am no pushover. 😀
I doubt myself constantly but I never give up
I woke up to this song in my head
Have you had a crush on your teacher as a teenager?
Mmmh.. I’d be lying if I say no. I vaguely remember a male teacher when I probably not even 12 years old; yet, I can’t remember what he taught or his name or even what school I was at but, I do remember feelings stir inside me. Obviously very short lived and not memorable enough to go into detail. 😀
If you had the power to change one thing in your past, what would that be?
I would wear my glasses or beg for my family to get me fitted for contact lenses so, I could actually see the world I was living in and see people’s expressions, learn to lip read, watch nonverbal communication, not be so internalized and complexed by my imagined ideas of how I thought others felt about me.
Which country is your next dream vacation, and what made you want to go there?
Really? cheating here. I need to go to Italy and Greece. I’m obsessed with Western mythology. I really want to travel to all over the East. I imagine when I visit India, I will wake super early so I can get to the Taj Mahal before all the other tourists so that I can experience being there and feel and hear the energy of silence.
Do you think it is okay to keep secrets even between best friends?
Well, it depends on the secret. If it is personal to whichever friend and is not compromising my loyalty to my other friends, then yes. It’s a tough one.
If you could be transformed into something else, what would be your preference, and why?
In winter, I would like to my cat – not anybody else’s but my Miss Tatiana. In summer and spring, I would want to be a fairy or a pixie – some creature able to fly, create magic, observe others without being noticed. In Autumn I would like to have a chance to be a tree. I want to know what it feels like to lose my leaves, foliage etc.. I want to feel that season from a Tree’s perspective. Just don’t cut me down.
MY NOMINEES: (RANDOM ORDER ) IFYOU DON’T DO AWARDS TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT -I SEEK NOTHING IN RETURN
I’m rolling with the same questions I was asked 🙂
See you in 2017 – onwards and upwards. Make it your own.