The other side of Fear.

Top of the morning to  you all!


It feels good to be able to type away with no  worrying about any trains or buses or rides to catch.

This weekend I get to catch up on reading your blogs -YAY!

I have missed you all so much. I can’t wait to throw myself into my  Masters.

I always feel  I come across so smug when I say it or type that word but I have worked my ass off to get to this point.

Proper catch up with as many of you as possible this weekend.

For those who know -I DID IT!


I am now able to officially and skillfully co -facilitate WRAP groups(  wellness recovery action plan program) to help people who have mental and physical issues or have had at one point,to  manage their lives- holistically.

It’s not a therapeutic based program. It’s truly a chance to revolutionize the way we  deal with our health in the current Diagnostic,clinical, prescriptive , doctor is always right  model we use.

erm.. I nearly didn’t do this program because I felt I wasn’t in a good place mentally or physically, however by going back to my own WRAP plan  ,

I remembered a few of my own wellness tools ( things that keep me well) . To share a few:


  • educating myself

  • putting myself out of my comfort zone ( public speaking alert/thinking on my feet/making myself vulnerable to empower others)

  •  volunteering my time to skill up and be a person who is an active part of my community and who is wanting to share my knowledge/experiences and pass information along with others.

     So, pushing myself by doing the WRAP facilitating mental health  recovery  program,  using the key concepts and ethics to show that  people who experience mental health( good and bad),  with support and  without judgement,  can find new ways of coping with life and their issues that empower and give them back the responsibility for their own mental/physical health.

    If that is what they want.

It is possible. I’ve seen it work over and over again. I work it.

It was heavy going. I was thinking on my feet a lot, not much time to prepare things ,put on the spot, practicing presenting skills, facilitating skills, listening skills.  There is so much I could put down.


I lost a lot of my self-confidence -3 months ago. On a positive note,by pushing myself and challenging myself to do this program at the next level, it has helped me find my inner confidence again, I’ve started to believe in myself again, I remember how far I have come. The future has  so much in store for me because I choose it to be that way.

I want this to be a really positive post.  I have these lyrics in my head: ‘don’t be negative (negative) just be positive (positive)’

  ha ha! How am I doing?


 Tbh. I am relieved the training is over. I can now concentrate on my next goal – my MA in creative writing. EEEK!

Then, I can start using extra hours in my Life to  help form a WRAP  community in Calderdale, U.K. ( which is where I currently live).

This is the wonderful group of individuals I had the opportunity to work with.  I have had their permission to put this pic up on my blog.


 Here is me with a bunch daisies I found in the garden .


I am going to end it on a  high.

I’m going to be  a bit selfish.

 Yesterday, we  (including the WRAP training facilitators who run the group) each  had a turn to write down our thoughts about each person we have worked with on the five-day training course, using strength-based feedback.


It’s not as cheesy as it sounds because I know I am my own worst critic and I know I am not alone in that.

This morning, I have read the comments people wrote on my name tent.  I’ve decided to reinforce these comments in my mind, by typing them into this post.

Yes, yes I am bigging myself up – no one else is going to do it.  My husband says  I need to blow my own trumpet. In his Yorkshire accent, he goes :

” Ya bloody earnt it.”  ha ha!

Here they are:

‘Tasha, you have a passion for growing and will be great helping others’

‘vulnerable but strong,empathetic,powerful,enthuisiatic,’

‘Tasha, you are an absolute star! Your openness and insight are inspiring. I feel priviliged to know you.x’

‘You are an inspiration to us all- your story is one of Strength and Hope. It has been a real pleasure working with you this week. Thank you x’

‘Tasha, your courage and Strength has been a shining light in this group.I have seen you listen, learn and grow.’

‘Tasha, you have shown strength and individuality. Keep on going’

‘Great to meet you, warm and friendly person’

‘Well done Tasha, for having the courage and Strength to complete the training course. You will be an asset to any facilliator team. Share yourself and your journey so far.’

‘You are a genuine individual. Never change x’

‘Natasha, I know you have had it hard.You are one strong, beautiful lady. Please look after yourself.x’

‘Tasha, your capacity to grow and learn means you are definitely   going too be a great facilliator. Your empathy stands out like a light’

‘Tasha, what a journey you have been on and I only know snippets. It’s clear to me you are a strong woman. I love your vibrancy and individuality.I also thought we made an awesome team x’

”Natasha, Don’t change who you are! Don’t doubt yourself ever again. You’ve shown kindess,compassion and consideration to everyone this week.I would love to stay in touch and see you again in the future.Girl done Good!. x 





A dying shame.

Yeah, I’m obviously not going ignore that it is WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION  DAY -especially considering the work and training I have been doing this week, around Mental Health Recovery embracing the 5 key concepts to   the



Action Plan


  1. HOPE-People who experience mental health difficulties get well, stay well and go on to meet their life dreams and goals.

  2. SELF-RESPONSIBILITY– It’s up to you, with the assistance of others, to take action and do what needs to be done to keep yourself well.

  3.  EDUCATION-Learning all you can about what you are experiencing so you can make good decisions about all aspects of you life.

  4. SELF-ADVOCACY-Effectively reaching out to others so that you can get what it is that you need, want and deserve to support your wellness and recovery.

  5. SUPPORT – While working toward your wellness is up to you, receiving support from others, and giving support to others will help you feel better and enhance the quality of your life.

I’ve been so inspired, comforted, shocked and angered by the stories I have heard this week. Every one of us has been through shit- the same  clinical diagnoses come up again and again, being drugged, feeling ashamed, stigmatized.


Being called crazy for acting in a way where obviously a person’s mental health is not good for whatever reasons .

Still, we live in this society. With this Victorian -lock them away, throw away the key mentality.


In my life, I have met people from all walks of life, ethnicities,religion, job roles/class .

I knew a physiatrist,  (I have known many)  who was not mine but a fellow inpatient,just like me.   No one will know who I am on about. It was many years ago and nobody who knows me  today and who I connect with today will know this person.

The thing with suicide – it can be intentional and unintentional – a quick act or an act that goes on for years  until eventually, Grim reaper does come to collect .

Usually, there are  years of pain and suffering and wearing  the ‘I am ‘normal’ mask,  not like – them – the “crazy” -unwell people, before someone does intentionally/unintentionally ends their life  .

“I only drink 1/2/3 glasses of alcohol, a spliff, a night/at weekends  to calm me down/get a buzz .”

I’ve  heard that a lot.

 Why does a person need this kind of outlet and coping mechanism to chill or escape from  reality?

I include myself in this.

Life is stressful.

We are not helping our mates, colleagues, family,friends and community by pretending  this is one of the  healthy ways to cope.

“I  only  inject heroin or smoke crack ,snort coke/Ket on weekends”  It’s recreational use.”

I hear that too . These  very words have come out my mouth over the years.

giphy (15).gif


“I  can’t cope with life at all and need to  take antidepressants/ mood stabilisers/ drink/smoke/inject/starve/comfort eat  to cope and deal with the stresses of life”

I can hear the crowd heckling and tsking already.

That person has gone too far.

“All in moderation.”  I hear  some people say.

Have you actually looked at what the ( ahem..) governments guidelines for how much alcohol you are actually “advised” ( doesn’t mean you should) to drink or the number of painkillers you should take and when you should take them ?

(if that is your “thing”)



Did you go out and buy a government ,custom made, wine, beer glass or whatever to make sure you  are getting the correct dose?

If you look at your drinking glasses compared to what the size of the glass that is advised (if you insist on drinking something that happens to be legal), I think you may have gone over the limit.


In this context, The moderation theory is a fucking myth, in my opinion.

Food is legal – people get addicted to it/not eating it.

So is Sex. So is stealing – that is illegal, of course.

Why are we self-medicating ourselves in this way?

Ask yourself. Don’t point a finger at Bob or Tina next door who are total mad heads, crazy,raging druggies or whatever,who are always having a bust up.

Look at your own life. The own things you use to keep you well, that  keep you able to make it to work the  next day or not.

Keep you ticking over just nicely enough to cope with Lifes/ people’s unrealistic  expectations of you.

Just a thought.

Do or don’t. I am not here to judge. I’m merely expressing my thoughts. I’m thinking/ musing– being human.

 I know I come acrosss as confrontational in this post and maybe I am.

Hell, yes I am.

I’m pissed off at how society decides who is fit and who is a misfit.

There are so many other ways to chill, be happy , live.

Why do we  (I  include myself in we)  choose  ways that are not actually healthy?

Why do we alter the wiring in our brain?  Numb our feelings?

What is wrong with feeling and expressing so-called “weak” ” negative” feelings?

Take a look at your friend, a stranger in the street/ family member/ the person who calls you crazy.

See this?


giphy (14).gif



It’s not hard to figure it out.

Did you know that a person with a label of schizophrenia is more likely to kill him/herself before harming another?

Yes, self-medicating – drinking ,taking drugs to cope increases the chances of a person with a diagnosed mental illness becoming violent.

Think of christmas, bank holidays, seasonal drinkers who congregate in civiliced places to drink or even the illegal druk takers who congregate wherever to imbibe whatever substance.

I’ve been to these pubs/clubs/houses/parks/festivals/doss houses sober and seen what “normal” looks like.

How many of those people do you know ?

Do you know their back ground , mind state?

Really, How well  do you  know them?

Have you seen what what alcohal and drugs can do to a person who is a “normal” member of society?

“It was the alcohol , the prick who looked at me differently, the fucking coach of whatever sports team, that German/English/ French prick.” 

What you put into your body will change how you act/perceive things and that is my point.

If I drink alcohal  – when I have and done so, I  tend to binge drink and I can “lose” it.

One last thing to think about, if you wish.

If I asked you to  visually describe and give traits of a   person who you think  is likely to think about or actually take their own life,what does that person look like?

Here is a  Fact:  or about as accurate as a statistic can tell you.

The person most likely to attempt/take their  own life,according to the statistic website I chose to use,

  • White

  • Male

  • age 30- 64

  • method: firearm, strangulation, suffocation and poisoning

  •  Previous Attempts to self-harm.

This is my husband.

I’m using him  as an example with his permission, of course. 😀

Five years ago, he did fit into most of the criteria for being the person who  is more likely attempt/commit suicide.

 He  thought about ending his life  when he was bullied, in his early teens, in the neighbourhood, he grew up in.

My husband has  ended up in A&E due to an injury he acquired intoxicated. In his  case,skateboarding accident.

Today,he is not suicidal nor does he own a firearm( it is illegal to in the U.K.) He has not drunk alcohol in 5 years, doesn’t smoke or use drugs – he has never even  smoked a cigarette.






” I don’t believe anyone is born bad. Life deals us our cards and we do what have to with them- play or give up. Life can make us think we are bad. Mostly, we are all inherently good -we just happen to do epically bad things. Lastly when you get behind the mask of someone I realise that as much hurt I feel and complicated things can get. I am not going to change. All heart.  “


Forbidden Fruit – tempted ?

remember you  may never be forgiven.

The house of cemented cards flutter down , knocked  down by Hurricane Lust.

I got my fill.


What did I expect?

A second man to treat me with just-


Thaw a man with my female prowess   Ha ha!  -maybe not.

The thing is I am always looking at things from other peoples perspective.

My life may be crumbling around me and I wanted some one who knew  the truth and  would take the time and help me or at least ask if I wasn’t  in need of a virtual hug and at least take am minute to be receptive.

Never accept -complicated.

Do what you have to do and don’t wait to talk your mind into getting that thought castrated.

I did what I did because I had questions.

Am I hurt?

It depends , responsibility lays at my feet  like a wilted flower diseased by congestion..

I did this.

I got my heart involved,

in a way that I think I saved face and resolved.

I will never have to wonder if .

I have my answers and to be honest. I’m not writing this to act all glib.

I know what I know.

I know what I saw.

I know what I felt.

I wish you the best,I  too have my own dreams and problems to address.

Peace and love 

There is too much hatred  ,Anger ,bitterness and resentment in this world of ours already. I refuse to contribute to it.



Motivation .


What must I do with the tug that pulls at my rubber  heart like a current working against the frequency waves of my mind?

You’ve won a trip to wonderland!

Can I take my bed with me?  I’m finding it hard to stand. 

Look at your dress!  You are going to make a beautiful bride.

Everyone you  love is coming.

Heart and mind can’t you connect and just be normal and run with this ride?



There must be something I can do to make me tick-tock  without the need to be  wound up every hour.

You have been Given 50 grand to buy whatever catches that mag pie eye of yours!

Can I take my bed with me ? I find it easier to shop if I  am in a position where I am flat and  can lie.

Look at the state of your current wardrobe. You have the chance to come home with bags of vintage finds!

Everyone will want to mimic your own inimitable fashion style.

Heart and Mind cant you connect and just be normal and and fall within the right lines?

Distasteful .

Disgraceful .

How am I going to get out of this  mind- full, conundrum soup when  I’ m not even given the correct utensils?

Look you have the key to happiness, it is my gift to you .All you have to do is unlock it!

Can  I take my bed with me so I can laugh  at your attempts to tell me what I crave is within me?  Let me have a snack and  scoff for a bit.

Look within you.  All you desire is hidden in that quagmire. 

Every one who loves you wants you to break free from this Sisyphus like dream state .

Heart and Mind  I need too show you how to connect again. I want to feel what my life reflects -allow me one last attempt to become everyone’s favourite   sunbeam, mate .

I need one last line ,

to make this life mine.




I’m sick of living in a sand bed ,low tide -in  a place where chances of survival is hidden in an oasis-mirage like  den .




Thank you for making me smile.

“You would think that getting  married  to a fine man in three weeks time , a beautiful funny ,smart 4 year old daughter, a loving family and a lady with a lot going for her, could never be labelled or be entitled to feeling Depressed or stressed or Anxious-  This is not how Mental Health issues work. I try and over come my own illness symptoms by using healthy coping mechanisms. If you are going to give advice -don’t tell a person to shake themselves off. If you want to help -be productive and be smart and help with advising on healthy ways to cope” DAISY

I’ve tried pretty much all my coping skills to get me out of this slump. I won’t give up. I exercised my way out of a panic attack yesterday. Yes, I am meds but it takes time to kick in. I am not great with being patient.

I look at my daughter for strength, I try distraction techniques- these work for a time but the weight of these feelings come back and so every day  I put on my armour. Chant my mantra’s and enter the arena -ready for  another battle.

Each day- I don’t give in , I know that I am on my way to winning. I’m disciplining my mind. I am not giving up on  Hope.



My first quote for the three day quote challenge nominated by

The darkest fairytale-Rhymes that still exist from the reality of dark fairytales never told…. – I love her quote on her about page. I’m using it as my second.

“Poems can’t judge you for healing wrong but a therapist could.”

The darkest fairytale

My final quote:

“If you always look downwards you will always see a pavement of despair. If you lift your head up and always look around you and to the sky you will always have many directions to lead a life of every imaginable feeling that is indeed the skies limit “ DAISY

Today I am accepting all the Amaze-balls awards I have received of late.

I am doing everything in my power to shift this tug in my heart and this stake of sorrow that hits the spot and lands on point like the most graceful, macabre  Ballerina in all of Mine  kingdom.

Nominees  ( chosen for how they command emotion and the written word- I love their style of writing)



MiracleWings-Brave the darkness

THANK YOU FOR THE CHALLENGE.  The person who  inspired me to write my own quotes is  Jaqueline at a cooking pot and twistedtales Thoughts and Tales Etc..A Lifestyle Blog with a Zing» 


THANK YOU B.G. from GETTING THROUGH ANXIETY -A step by step process using practice   for :


Ouch, bee sting! What book did you find disappointing?

I was highly disappointed in ‘The Beautiful and Damned’
A Classic Novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I hated every single character and it made me re think my obsession with wanting to live  the ‘Roaring twenties’ era . 


It’s finally warm outside! What book made you want to read more than ever before?

So, I don’t really do reading outside. I get too distracted by the nature. I really enjoyed George Orwells ‘1984’ and I was hooked on the Y.A. novels ‘ The originals’ 


Shh! I’m getting a tan! What book did you find relaxing?

I don’t tend to read ‘relaxing books’  erm.. I suppose the last book I read that didn’t require too much thought was’ The Paris Wife’
Novel by Paula McLain. I found  and loved the depth to the characters and the reference to all the revolutionary readers and artistes that scrambled to Paris after World War one to make some sense of this new  world-post war. A surprisingly great read. 


Beach party! What book did you just find fun to read?

Again another classic. ‘ To kill a mockingbird’ by Harper  Lee- the language  used is just like taking a trip to another time. There are heavy themes addressed in the book but I love that the book is taken mostly from a child’s point of view. I loved that I was able to smile even in a book that addresses such heavy themes such a racism.


 Cannonball!! What book did you find surprising?

‘ I Am Pilgrim’
Novel by Terry Hayes – This book was written for my inner detective. So cleverly put together. So many twists and turns. I could NEVER have predicted the ending. A terrifying book because it could so easily happen in the world we live in. 


Mowing the lawn. What book did you find tedious?

I think that Sylvia Plath’s Bell Jar’ does not live up to the hype. She is a fabulous poet and writer but the ‘Bell Jar’ left me  cold. I know it is probably one book I should relate most too – dealing with themes such as Mental illness but the hype around the book didn’t leave me with all I expected. Yes, I guess people surmise she was writing about her own Mental health issues and I find that to be the only interesting part of the book. It may be autobiographical.   It is not an awful book -just not epic -in my humble opinion.


So many beautiful flowers! What’s the most recent book you’re happy you picked to buy?

So far ,the one I am reading. ‘The Storm sister’ by Lucinda Riley. So far it has me hooked not to the point I can’t put it down but their is mystery, romance and  a look into the mind of a protagonist with a character  so unlike myself. 

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The Beauty of Words- Mastering social media, writing, and editing

SIMPLY ETTA D. -Inspiration for the Heart, Soul and Mind

toofullltowrite- I’ve started so I will finish

Anna-Life As A Bipolar Artist A place for venting, explaining, and maybe learning something

Laura- Hundred and Counting Every day is a writing day


THANK YOU TO Morgan- SIMPLY ETTA D. -Inspiration for the Heart, Mind and Soul




This is one of the reasons I love Etta’s Blog.

“I’ve learned from my mistakes, but I have no regrets. I use to regret my past wishing that I could go back and change it. But realised that it’s our past that has brought us to the point we are now in our lives; and changing anything in the past, changes everything in our present. With all it’s up and downs I wouldn’t wish give up anything that I have now. My faith gives me strength, my family keeps me grounded, my appetite for adventure keeps me going, and my heart makes me the woman that I am!”

ETTA D. (pen name)


  1. Daisy Willows unfortunately is not my real name. I wish it were.  It is my pseudonym .  

  2. I am not sure whether to tell you my real name or not. 

  3. I am complicated. 

  4. I wing it and tend to make it. 

  5. I wear my heart on my sleeve

  6. I have always been a rule breaker.

  7. I’m in love.


EDDAZRelationships, Love, Lifestyle

teleportingweena ~wandering through life in my time machine…you never know where it will stop next

The Daddy Blitz- Blogging about Family, Religion and Politics


LINDA G. HILLLife in progress


Finally a re- nomination froI SING THE BODY ELECTRIC-Refusing to let my past define my future- An abuse survivor specialising in female balls and badassery!

B.E.’s Blog captured in Music. She is a rule breaker. I think I have found my cosmic twin. We must never get together and discuss.. we may just start a revolution. Ha! Ha!



  1. I have a BA (hons) in the Arts and humanities – majored in ‘Advanced creative writing’ and ‘Myth in the Greek and Roman Worlds’

  2. I have lived in three continents – Africa- Europe and Americas

  3. I volunteer with Mental health charities.

  4. I have a foundation degree in Acting performance

  5. My cousin made me audition for the X  factor because she didn’t want to do it alone. I can’t sing at all.

  6. I think I am an introvert but I come to life in groups.

  7. People say I am witty and funny. 

  8. I love to dance

  9. my wedding is in three weeks time

  10. Music stirs my soul

  11. my real name is Natasha Sonia Bodley

I’m going to answer questions I would love others to ask me.  If you want to answer B.E.’s- The Body is Electric Blog questions instead click HERE 

  1. If You Could Live In A Book, TV Show Or Movie, What Would It Be?

I would love to live in the ‘Originals’ series . The Michealson family  are the epitome of cool of all the supernatural creatures. 

2. Where Do You See Yourself In Five Years?

Still married to the same dude, one or two more kids, a play wright and working in the community creatively with people with mental Health issues and getting paid to do it. 

3. If You Could Live Forever, How Would You Spend Eternity?

I would research every illness  to find a cure and I would also find the answer and fight for climate change. I would also get to watch my daughter and other kids and my grand children live. I would also visit all the libraries around the world and travel and eat good food.

4.In What Ways Do You Hold Yourself Back?

I am way too hard on myself. I think people think the worst of me.

5.What Was Your Dream Job Growing Up?

I wanted to to a criminal Psychologist and a Criminal lawyer.

6.If You Could Change One Law, What Would It Be?

I don’t do drugs any more but I still  would legalise all drugs. Crime would fall , the black market would not be as powerful and un controllable as it is and people would get the correct treatment. Less wars too and less lives lost.

7.What’s Your Greatest Achievement And How Has It Shaped You?

Everyday I push myself, is my Greatest achievement. Every day I make it to the end of the day and have done something I consider important and a goal achieved is my Greatest achievement. Each challenge I put in my way, shapes my character and gives me the courage to push myself in other ways. It  gives me inner confidence.

8.If You Could Master One Skill You Don’t Have Right Now, What Would It Be?

I wish I hadn’t stopped learning how to play the piano. I love the piano and I love the violin too. I would love to be an Orchestra conductor . I feel music and it looks like a pretty cool position to be. 

9. How Would Your Best Friends Describe You?

Honest, empathetic,strong willed, loving, witty and a pain in the ass. 

10.What Is “Home” To You?

Home is where I can see and smell the ocean. 

11. What Motivates You To Succeed?

Knowledge is power. 


CyberneticBlonde- Be kind to yourself 🌻

Life As A Bipolar Artist A place for venting, explaining, and maybe learning something. (Sorry Anna -double award nominations)


Fiction is Food- G. Jeffries

Insights From A Bipolar Bear



BABS! @Autumn Ambles Pursuing my Wandering Ways With Words….Thoughts and Reflections!

Pride in Madness

LYNNE’S RECIPE TRAILS Delicious Foods and Tasty Indulgences








24 hours

Today- the present.

If you read what I refrained from posting yesterday, this will give you a clear perspective on how our thoughts and feelings change constantly. I wasn’t going to to go out yesterday. My feelings on how I  was feeling was that I was being  all very ‘woe is me’ and I  had a ‘doom and gloom’ outlook.

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Such an unproductive way for me to think.

 How did I get myself from my bed to out and about and carrying on with my life?


  • I talked about my worries.

  • I explained my anxieties.

  • I spoke to my Mom and My G.


Mom’s great advice was

“You do not know what the future holds”

“Live for this moment”

My four year old daughters advice was this:

” Mommy, I have a good idea . Do you want to go to Asda with me and Daddy and then I can ride the bull/ car ride?”

 Here I was worrying about so many things. I should have been getting excited about getting married.


I  know I am not  the only person  who over analyses and catastrophizes things. It’s a shit mind set to be in but I do work on it.

Catastrophizing is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is. Catastrophizing can generally can take two forms.

I have really missed doing my volunteering. I’ve been so focused on the wedding. I am so happy to say that I have a chance to co -produce and facilitate a mini workshop for Healthy minds at the end of June.

It is in connection with the OPEN MINDS PROJECT.   – that Raises Mental Health Awareness and helps to fight against reducing the stigma around Mental Health issues. 


Fingers crossed!

Please send me some positive vibes. 😀



I get the opportunity to help Healthy minds   do a mini -workshop ,to help  raise awareness around how    parents can  manage  Depression and Anxiety, in a  more holistic way. The other  aim of the workshop is to also sign post people to organisations where they can access help.

I may share a very small part of how I  personally handle my mental health as a parent.

I’ve got a meeting on the 27th June.  The wedding will be over and I can get back to doing something that gives me a sense of purpose.

What a difference a day makes!

I’m so glad I used my care plan and my coping skills yesterday and pushed myself. I can 100% honestly say that when I came home I felt I had accomplished something. I paid the bills, I went to Asda, I popped in to see a friend. I had a chance to laugh and I got to spend time with my daughter ( in the U.K. it is half term holidays.) .

If I had shut myself down completely and said no which is what I initially did. I wouldn’t be feeling like I feel today.


I will post details of the workshop in a post  as soon as possible.

24 hours ago –  My mind state. 

As you lose your youthful Strength,and your body acquires a “more lived in look”, meditate on your true self, your essential consciousness. Body consciousness has no place in your thoughts. You are old enough to know what really matters.” UNKNOWN.

You would this I had this one quote sussed already, right?


Yes, I look more mature these days, I’m getting married and I have a beautiful spirited child who gives me more joy than any drug or party  or person ever did. I’m turning 35 in November.


As many people say:  I have come so far.

I have cheated death more times than the luckiest of cats.

I’ve gone from a 5 stone , skeleton to a 10 stone toned person full of child hearted  playfulness , a life, friends and  love.

What comes after marriage?


No. Of course I don’t. I was  put on these meds to drug me into staying on bed rest.So, I didn’t burn off more calories when I was ill and severely Anorexic in 2005 . I also use them too hep me eat. Sometimes I still get anxious when I eat and after I have eaten.

One part of my eating disorder that hasn’t disappeared.

I do love food. A great anxiety reliever for me is exercising (in moderation).

I’ve been on these meds for over 10 years! Along with other medication.

I’ve spoken with my support  of a reduction plan at my own pace. I am up for it because eventually  we want to extend our family but today  I have suddenly been struck with the blood of a lizard.

Pale and anxious.

How am I going to cope without this shit that keeps me okay?

G  is an epic Dad. He deserves his hockey team.  😀   -(He is  not getting a Hockey team)

I haven’t touched cigs since my Aunt died of Lung Cancer in February 2015  but I am still addicted to nicotine.


I can go without alcohol . That is not an issue for me.

So on these terms and as I stand today, what kind of start would I be giving our child (if I can conceive) ?

It is not  good enough.


I’m trying to get my career back.

Since I have been focusing on the wedding, I have stepped away from volunteering and I feel a great loss in my life.

Volunteering and training in various courses was my career and still will be until I can get FULL  TIME work to pay the bills and maybe even take a holiday.

My previous pregnancy was a disaster because of the place I was in at that time.

I am utterly terrified of my body changing again, I’m afraid I won’t get an easy labour now I know how it all works and feels.

So do we wait a few years?

I’m less likely to conceive as each cycle goes by.

We want to move to  better place. A place we will be happier.

There are no chances of any accidents.

I am responsible and have the Non hormonal IUD fitted in me.

There are so many quotes about trusting your heart and not your mind. I yearn for another child. I want the chance to be excited and be a life  giver with a whole new outlook this time.

Time is working against me. I wouldn’t worry  so much if I was in my 20’s.

I looked up 50 great reasons to get pregnant. There are some gems in there. I never felt my Bella Bee move as she was snuggled behind my placenta.

How shallow does this sound.

I want another girl.

I don’t know what is up with me. I should be happy I have a family already.

I am.

I am scared of  having regrets too.

I am scared that I have a limited chance of conceiving again.

I am terrified of losing what I have (including control of my body)

I am angry that I worry about my body when the bigger picture is the miracle of life.

So I should know better.

I don’t want to go down the IVF route.

I’m not to posh to push ( gas and air will do)

I don’t even want to carry on with this post because I get so emotional.

I’ve never been great at planning. Impulse has always been my default mode.






Today, I am not magically fixed.

I may look like I have my shit together and most days I do.

I am also a human  being who has thoughts and emotions just like everybody else.

I just  choose not to hide the fact that I have bad days.

Why should I?

 I am not saying it is easy to shift Depression and Anxiety. It isn’t.

Finding  Good coping skills  and using them are the key to helping  you manage yourself .

  • It takes time to find healthier coping skills. 

  • New Coping Strategies take practice

  • Be kind to yourself.

  • Remember, whatever coping skills you are using now, you have probably used them for a long time.

  • It will take time to gain confidence in using other coping skills.

  • There is no time limit on change- it is constant.

  • Be easy on yourself but try and find the balance to challenge yourself too. 

  • Know where to access help 

  • Ask for help

  • Establish and use a support network .

  •  Consider making a some kind of contingency plan like WRAP

Daisy gets on the learning carousal

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday.”  John Wayne


I’ve had a lot of awesome feed back about what a great person I am and how people admire me for volunteering. I’m kind of taken a back because I have to be straight with you . I get so much from it.

It is not just some selfless act . I am not  doing some altruistic  act like  some Mother Theresa or Ghandi.

Volunteering and all the training and experience I get from it helps me gain skills. One huge skill I get from volunteering is it keeps me focused.

It gives my life purpose.

When I want to say,

(I did that yesterday)


Volunteering is a tool (or way of coping if you like) that I use to distance myself from my mental health problems. I can leave the house knowing my purpose for the day or for the next  few hours  is focusing on doing something thing  that doesn’t feed into my illness.

When I put my volunteer hat on : It ‘s not about my issues.

It’s for something bigger. I am using the shit in my head to take something positive and use it to do something more constructive with it.

If it helps someone that is a major fucking bonus 😀

So before you applaud me.

Please,know my life is far from perfect.


I still struggle with my  Bipolar, my weight and the scales and certain foods I won’t eat.


I am not emaciated or starving myself but I will always have this Eating disorder and Bipolar.

I am lucky I have finally become  the kind of person who will eat my kind of food that I feel safe to eat -not giving a shit what people think about or don’t think about my eating habits.


I don’t feel shame rummaging in my bag and taking my medication at a certain time.

Here is the reason why.

I hid that part of my  myself human, for so long.

I used to be  so ashamed to show people I too had to eat sometime when I was very ill at a BMI of 13- so we are talking low numbers -35 kilograms. 5stone if that.

So I do struggle -everyday -to a certain degree.

In previous posts,I’ve mentioned exercise as one of my top  five ways to cope.

Yesterday I came back from the dentist, I went straight to bed. I didn’t want to see or know anything or anybody.

I wanted to call of the wedding! (drama queen moment).

Seriously, I was genuinely fed up  and had blown the candle flame out myself.

I was disappointed  because I had  had great , big, huge expectations.


Number one lesson # never expect unless you want to be disappointed.

I got it in my head that my dentist  was going to do  some extra work for me and  it turned out, what he had said about fixing up my teeth for my wedding, was not the kind of fixing up I thought he was going to do.

I got bummed out.

I can fix my problem teeth if I have oh, £1000 hanging around.

I don’t.

So yesterday I gave up. I managed to read my daughter a story.


My biggest support is my partner, my daughter and my Mom.

When I got back from the dentist. I was going  to hit the floor  and do a dance session.

My partner knows I weigh myself before and after.

There on the wall ,was a post stick  note, with these words written on them

You are the strongest person I know

I love you

and you are soooooo sexy

 ❤   xxx


My G does this a lot . He pumps me up and believes in me. He hates my illness because he sees what it does to me. He gets mad cos he doesn’t feel like he is doing enough.

He does more than enough.

All he wants from me is my love -(of course) and for me to be happy.

No long lists….

I’m  the one with the massive list of what I expect I should be to my partner.

I woke up  ,read my daughter a story.

I asked myself can I do this gym session?





It took me three attempts but I got it done

The scales are still being wankers but I did it.

I will tell you a secret.

Yesterday someone -not a friend/ family member told me I had the figure of a model and the look of a model. I took the compliment more  for the reason not to offend her than take it in and think.

That is fucking awesome. 

Did this person want something from me?


Throughout all the self hating we do. We forget the compliments we get/ dismiss them.

I know that today  I’m going to be able to start some great work with another mental health charity and  when I get home I will be able to blog and read blogs.

 Another one of my top 5 ways to cope.


Out of Order Sticker Funny Quote

Out of Order Sticker Funny Quote

The problem with mental health issues is that if you don’t make some kind of effort. Say for example getting out of bed- nothing is going to change.

It is a catch 22 situation and it sucks!

Nothing to is going to improve.

Finding out the skills you need and what makes you happy is the key to motivating you, to carry on, when all you want to do is lie on a train track  and wait.

It’s tough.

People ask me how I can be so open with my blog and who I am and what I disclose. Some people in the place I live know me and my blog.

I’ve had 25 years of either judging myself or being judged.

So it kind of doesn’t bother me what people think of me and my issues and how I deal with them.

I know in my heart and mind what it has taken for me to get to this point in my life.

Still alive ,with a beautiful family and all my limbs and  loads of opportunities.

That’s it.

There is no miracle cure.

The only thing I do is keep on going.

If I fall.

I get back up –

The day I don’t get up is the day I may as well build a coffin for myself.

No magic.



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