and so, they lived…

Life update

I’ve finally received my results for my 1st year, doing my Masters, in Creative writing.

Drum rolls.

PASS-with merit. I officially can use more random letters after my name — ha ha!

I  am now  in possession of a post graduate certificate in the Arts and Humanities!

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Wow! Amazing.

How’s this going to help me with what I want do?

I have a dream.

I do. 😀

One of my goals is to move back to France. They love people with diplomas. I hope to get a well paid job there. I need to book a trip to The French embassy later on this year. My husband has decided he is going to take on my surname and become a French national.  He’s English!

He’s not only English, he is  Northern, from  West Yorkshire.

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I need to register my Bella Bee as a French national because even though she is more English than I am. Born here.  English Dad and roots. The British government  will not give her a British  passport because I was ordered by her majesty’s court to  register her Fathers name on her birth certificate and now they won’t give her one!

Beauracratic nightmare.

I feel so uneasy about my family not having a passport. My entire life, It was drummed into me to always have my passport (in date)in case, we moved countries.

Which we did- a lot!

Moving on . ( pun unintentionally intended  :D)

What’s  happening in my life?

Loads of shit- ha ha! as usual.

I’m doing better –  I keep making a come back.  Oh, life – you little tease!

Dare me to live.

 Dare me to succeed!

Challenge accepted.

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Daisy’s mental health 

Yeah, it’s been.

up and down,

down ,

down ,

down –

up again ,

very up –

insanely manic,

toxic,

low,

not quite sure

,emotional ,

aargh why did that and that and that and ..

did I do that?

Those kind of moments, really.

 

Surely someone can relate?

Not happy about a medication increase in my anti depressant.

I don’t of any person who is on  (high/ highest legal doses) of

Two antidepressants

Two anti psychotics

Two anti anxiety tablets,

and sleeping medication.

I know  my health posse want the best for me.

I don’t bullshit them.

I tell if I’ve been using shit coping mechanisms, good ones. Thoughts ,feelings…

I made my psychiatrist laugh.

Go me!

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HE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THIS 😉

He offered me psychology therapy — again .

I was like:

‘Look Dr J, seriously every time I sign up to a pyschologist , they leave!’

 All my psychologists have left me half way through  doing whatever new pycho babble, current trend treatment , is used, to deal with folk such as myself.

One dude, fell asleep in a couple of our sessions.

So, I was like

‘ Listen, I know how to use CBT/DBT, I know how to communicate and talk. I know what keeps me well . I just want a cure’

Another laugh escapes from Dr J.

He is a legend.

A legend ? yes, but not a wizard 😦

He totally gets me and I feel I have a choice in medication changes etc..

I’ve asked to come off one of my meds because I don’t see the point of being on it. It hasn’t helped me.

These meds have affected my memory. I’m terrified of getting Dementia. I’ve been on (legal) tablets since I was 13/14 and I’ve never been off medication.

Never!

Talking about memory.

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I’m using my creative outlets to start getting into the open mic poetry scene .

I love performing but my memory is really rubbish. I’m going to brave it by doing more live poetry next week. I’m excited. Nervous.  It’s all good.

I have my final year of my MA to keep me — super  occupied.  There is a lot of work to do. For part of my thesis ( check me out)

I’m thinking of using my blog to interview creative folk who live in my community to talk about, their work,  (durr!)  Creativity and their mental health. My photographer mate is on board to take pictures. Some people have shown interest — yeah!

My heads occupied which is good.

Fab!

Awesome!

How will doing this  help me with my thesis and final work?

Well, I am going to use this year of discovery and research on the link between mental health and creativity as an alternative form of therapy to cope with life’s unpredictable moments.

Then I  will have loads of inspiration to write a film script (120 minutes) on a character ,who , is thrown back into society after a long stint in mental /prison  institutions , and who is looking to find him/herself  and another way of being  and expressing him/herself  positively, in society.

The opening scene will kind of look like this

I have an ending – (a bit abstract at the moment) – saying there words:

‘I look around for the first time with clarity. And see I’m exactly where I need to be. Around the misfits. The beautiful misfits just like me.’

DAISY’S UN NAMED CHARACTER 

It’s all early days and I still have  4 scripts to write, a critique and a character  analysis on a famous playwright to do before the final chapter.

All in all. I’m alive, optimistic-ish, full of emotion, drive, passion , a pain in the ass but just doing my thing. 

All terribly boring really… 😀 

So, I am back!

I can’t commit daily to blogging but I have joined a group on Facebook.  

Shout out to Gary @ fiction is food  for adding me.

It’s a website for us!

BIG UP YOUR BLOG!

Bloggers.

 I’m  a newbie, its good be around other bloggers again. I’m hoping it will keep me  off Facebook and keep me connecting with people like yourself. People who use their time more productively. Doh, oh the irony.

One rant before I go :   I wish people would stop leaving public posts about my appearance on my Facebook.

If you ever happen to read this

I know you are having a shit time dealing with your own weight issues. I’m well aware of mine. Please take a look at yourself. Look after yourself first. If you don’t – FUCK OFF! 

 

That is a wrap.  I know. Hilarious! ha ha!

Thank you so much for reading

Time to step out and live real life..

Catch up soon!

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What’s everyone else doing with life?  Blogging?

I’m genuinely curious to know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weeds need no moonshine

When you’r feel you’re hanging on the vine,

remember- a seed push forth a mighty sign.

You must  take the sunbeams and treasure what’s thine

Wild Kansas City  is but one destination on the sign

Take hope, light and lose the animosity ,

for inside there is no monstrosity

Get yourself  caught speeding in high  velocity.

It’s not a train smash —  no not a catastrophe.

When you’re stuck in the middle of time.

Jump off the fence ‘cos that’s doing yourself a crime.

Don’t you let commoners  think your words cannot define,

Your value , worth and dreams  are not benign

Take it from the apple tree

He allows fruit to aid in his victory .

oh don’t , hide yourself like a willow tree

Cry, but remember you have a destiny.

Everything will be fine — look up —  allow the clouds to throw some shapes.

Open  them wide , mind expand — understand the lessons from life’s true greats.

You’re already one them-slightly chipped — still most valuable of porclain plates.

Never doubt  what you can do —   take a leaf from natures golden ratio

You radiate when you guide the fates.

Lets’ lasso this  up and keep your spirit wild

Grow tall — never lose your inner child.

A silly poem  to spread to the crowd

Accept   her quirks  — light hearted ,silly sap —  never lose a day when she has smiled.

*I’m feeling less heavy hearted and more like my old self these days. I was inspired by the song ‘This little light of mine’. live, love, don’t hold as grudge. Remain true to who you are and you won’t stand alone for long.

A song a mate shared with me. Happy vibes. I defy you not to feel happy listening to this. 

 

 

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I want to know the reason why

I should be working but I have a lot going on in my head. One of those things is the chorus to this song:

Everybody’s gotta live,  and everybody’s gonna die  

Everybody’s gotta live before you know the reason why…..

It’s an upbeat song. It’s a song that makes me think about all the times I want to hide under my bed and not be noticed, it is a song plays out an inner conflict between my fears and my dreams.

It is a song that helps me keep on at my dreams by turning them into goals.

It’s scary for me to commit to anything. I am the person who when I say – Yes. That is it. There is no turning back.

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GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE LIFE GAME.

Hell might raise the roof off  my mind but I will work through the pain. I do it by doing everything  that screams:

 But I don’t wanna………

I think:

Daisy, how can you seriously think you can help people learn to manage their own lives and issues when I am a walking calamity on automatic?  

Well, that’s the thing.

These days, I may have more knowledge and skills of how to manage my problems and thoughts and feelings.

Does that mean I am suddenly cured?

Perfect?

Hell, no!

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This is the thought equivalent to the sleazy pickup line, I don’t need to hear in my own mind.

I do have a system in place that helps me manage stressful times, my illness, me.

Why can’t I be accessing things I know make me well before the government says you are dying – now we will admit you to a hospital?

No, I know how to stay out of the hospital – I know how to be as healthy as I can be when it gets a bit rough.

 I reach out.

There are a bunch of people who I will be working with for the next 14 weeks and I may have some uncomfortable moments.

If I am maintaining my health with support and need to drink a nutritional shake to get the energy I need to carry out what I want to do, people need to accept that and challenge their own ideas about Mental and Physical wellbeing.

Just because I am not 100% healthy ( I don’t think I have ever been 100% healthy or will be) doesn’t mean I have to hide away from the world and be ashamed.

My illness is not me. It is a part of me and because I have a Wellness Recovery Action Plan of my own, I know how to recognize when I am well, not so well, falling off the wagon, or possibly need support to pick me up.

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I have a plan. I know people get ill and people get well.

Do I think I can pull this MA off?    I’m half way there.

I had a mini meltdown last night because my tutor won’t engage with me in the forum (especially when I  felt I needed professional input) – I turned to other writers in the forum and yes, they helped a bit.

 Would my life be better if my Tutor didn’t hold a grudge against me because I am asking for my TMA1 to be reassessed?  Yes.

Would it be easier to back down and compromise my values and beliefs?    Easy for who?

 

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I’ve signed up to do an 8-week acting program in Leeds – in the hope, it will be a refresher to the acting degree I did in 2009-11. I was a different person then- with a whole lot of different problems at that time.

 I want the chance to use this opportunity to help inform my writing for my MA and any future work I do, I also want to give myself a confidence booster for when I  get anxious about public speaking.

Yes, it may look like I am super confident on the outside. I know about how to communicate nonverbal signs that indicate I’m okay. I know what to say to myself to psyche myself up.

In public, I can do an amazing impression of someone with confidence and flair – a lot of us do.

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What is wrong with people knowing that in private that sometimes I’m in tears, don’t want to leave the house, my husband hugs me till I feel safe again?

 I doubt myself, think of giving up.

Does that mean I will give up or fall apart?

My aim is, to stay as well as I can and reach my goals and achieve them.

I will do my best to make sure I damn well achieve them.

Don’t you find it strange how, one minute, the world can seem to fall in on itself and then a couple of hours later, a little fire sparks up and blazes up your entire being?

It’s that little bit of hope.

Hope means: it is possible.

It also means I/we need to work hard to achieve our goals, get scared and have that awkward conversation and feel the anxiety and stay with it.

It also means we get to experience the times when we are “in” the moment, laughing, listening to others, learning, seeing what we can do when we just do it.

No one said life is easy. I have screamed this at the world hundreds of times:

I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN! 

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I’m still here.

You are.

Whatever shit we have done that should or could have been the moments when it all flatlines- isn’t here- yet.

Yes, I will die one day. So you will you.

Whatever your beliefs about the afterlife – they are yours. If they comfort you – keep them.

If they help you put one foot in front of the other- use your faith, and your beliefs to be your best champion.

It’s so fucking cheesy, I know. ( face in palm) I feel like one of those square sandwich cheese melts.

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My point is this:   it takes courage to decide to live, it takes a lot of courage to decide to take or consider ending our  own life.

Like the song goes: while I’m here I want to know why I’m here.

I can only do that by living life.

I don’t want to merely exist. I want to look back and go – it makes sense now.

These are my words.

Have a great week all.

DAISY XOXO

Here’s the song.

 P.S. and here is a poem I discovered when I was about 13/14 years old. I have used it and read it and carried it with me for over 15 years to see me through some pretty fucked up times.

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Live it. Sing it. Own it.

HOLA!

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I’m currently on a mission to find balance and instead of posting any old shit. I just want to let you know where the 4-D me is and what I am doing.

I’m still around in the virtual world – mostly in spirit.

I’m levelling up,in  the big, real world.

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I will still be around to:

  • Work hard so I can Play even harder

  • Read  as many of your posts as humanly possible

  • Eventually, do my shout outs  and Thank you’s.- end of the week is my aim.

  • Make sure I get some time with my little girl – squeeze in a bed- time story

  • Share my blog stuff – when I can.

  •  Complete my  WRAP  –  training starts  tomorrow. (9-5pm)

  • Get my first year of my Masters down in CW -click HERE for more info 

  • Get my one of a kind vintage piece accessories sold and banked in el Banco. 

  • Be a good wife- be present when my name gets called out on the ‘I’m present’  register. 

  • Other

Wish me luck on my new adventures. I will have so much to tell you.

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If you want to look this good dancing – it requires hard worker,a sense of humor and movement.

 

 

I’m going to be a WRAPPER– in a way, I never thought possible.

Snoop Dogg lip synching has got nothing on this.

I’m not going to lie. I am terrified of these new doors I have found the key to.

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UNTIL THE FEAR PASSES  ‘MAKE BELIEVE’ 

 

This is my ‘I  can do this song’

I also know that when something scares the crap out of me. It is worth doing.

Everytime.

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Stay sweet.

Stay awesome.

Stay Bold.

Stay Sassy.

You are in competition with no one but your own bad ass self!

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There is a finish line – glory, success, honour, redemption, life, love, happiness, goals achieved.

See you on the other side?

I sure as hell , hope so.

You got this.

Catch up soon.

If you need to email me – do!

daisyinthewillows@yahoo.co.uk

YOLO ( only once that I know of in this world )

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love Daisy ❤ ❤ ❤ 

One more song  to keep you and me on the right path – the good path.

Why?

It makes me smile and happy.

 

 

The indulgent wool gatherer

Let us sit here for a second , right here on top of this lush hill.

Pause, for a moment and think about life and what we want to do – explore how we feel.

Lie down ,sprawl out  our arms and legs like star fish and gaze up into the sky.

Cloud gazing- can you see we reflect one of those red dwarf stars, we can see at nigh?

Let’s see what we can find in our future  before the clouds pass along.

They move far too quickly, our imagination needs to be strong.

We don’t always have to live in the ghetto.

We could pack up  our bags and travel the world , live hand to mouth with a  more energetic flow.

Learn different languages, eat fine food, dive off cliffs into  the ocean – wanting to live and win.

The reason very much different to how you wanted to end it on Hollin’s lane on the island of ‘Gyve inn’.

Second by second is passing us by.

We could get a move  on – leave all this materialistic waste lying  just here.

We just take ourselves and book a flight to anywhere -all we need is our combined heart and minds to see things more clear.

Bah!

Bah! 

Bah! 

Bah!

Bah!

What a great game. You do an excellent impression of a sheep, mon cherie.

Okay my turn ……

Arms prop up on elbows, Blonde curls and a mouth seemingly dipped in honey,

looks at the man and those bee sting lips are guarded by  all seeing drones.

What is the matter, my little sparrow?

You look at me with such warrant arrest,like we have only just met – you look straight past me like I am not even here.  Of course we can stay in touch with our loved ones  and take our cellphones.

‘I have a game”, says she, eyes dark, exposing true twinkling  stars.

The man forgets to breathe his head fully intoxicated like he has spent the day tumbling out of various bars.

“Walk over to those sheep – there! and I will tell you then what it is you next have to do.”

Slightly fazed but not wanting to show it – he heaves himself up and approaches the sheep with a hesitant  brazenness-

“Erm well – hello to you and ewe.”

He turns around to listen to the next part of his task.

His little buttercup opens her mouth , urging him  on to stroke the sheep.

Hesitatingly, he laughs when he starts to pet one and it lets out a great bleep.

Laughter emanates from  the couple, meets in the air, merge -dancing cheek to cheek -finally a caress.

The lady starts to announce she has something she would like to address.

Obligingly, the man will hear anything she wishes to confess.

“It’s all very romantic this talk of living a better life.

‘I can see it happening  -‘

‘Yes, I can see this happening. Me standing next to you  – I would love to be your wife.”

The man continues to stroke the sheep ,looks at the tufts falling away in his hands , looks down in horror.

Lady continues –

“if you were as half as good at taking action than talking like you are the  confirmed lead in every conceived theatre production of tomorrow…

I look around and see trees but alas, no money.

It’s all very well to sit and fantasise with you, when it is bright and sunny.

Well, I see a  much truer future with you – you have such a skill,indulging on your feet.- even if you are slightly heady and staggering.

I foresee a better  future for us -one with more purpose – by all means  continue with  these notions  of yours- not in  part but as a  full time career  in wool gathering.”

*TRYING TO INCREASE MY VOCABULARY*

WANT TO HAVE A GO?

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Definitions forwoolgathering

  1. indulgence in idle fancies and in daydreaming;absentmindedness: His woolgathering was ahandicap in school.

  2. gathering of the tufts of wool shed by sheepand caught on bushes.

DICTIONARY.COM

SPECIAL THANKS TO LINDA G. HILL’S #soCS -always inspiring.    

This, like all my work, is mostly free flow writing. I don’t really do much planning when I write.

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “second.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun!

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Becoming what we worship

“A person WILL worship something. Have no doubt about that.We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our heart,but it will out.That which dominates our imaginations and thoughts will determine our lives and our character.Therefore it behoves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming.” -Ralf Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) #FollowGreatFootsteps

WHY HAVE I CHOSEN THIS COMMENT?

There are a lot of goals I am aiming for this year. Some goals have carried over  from last year. I thought a big one would be on it’s legs by now. I , like most people put oodles of passion into my goals.

Lately things have gone from me being super positive to negative.

There are going to be times when the road we are on suddenly gets bumpy and can even seem  to be invisible.

I’ve been on a path and unintentionally allowed myself to get drawn into a situation that needs fixing.

I look back  at the path and it appears like  someone has been following me with a sweeping up  brush .

I can’t go back.

If I  do. I will get lost and I don’t want to become lost.

Thankfully all the issues in relation to this goal has  finally come to a point where I will have to face the consequences of my actions and express my perspective and  thoughts.

The difference between me a few years ago to who I am now: is I can step out of the negative bubble.

I can see other avenues to reach my goals. I can still go forward. I have to sort out this issue but I have self respect, compassion, insight, good intentions, the willingness to apologise for where I went wrong and the ability to look to the future.

Don’t sell yourself out for whatever it is you dream about or want. Tell yourself you are going to get to your destination.

Remember the power of our  thoughts and what we perceive in our minds   can  manifest in to reality and take over take our lives.

No one is perfect xxx

Dreams, Tattoos and Britney Spears.

Dreams can be a bit mental. I hate those dreams that you try and remember and then they just evaporate!

Last night my four year old daughter told me she had a bad dream that she had fallen off the planet! I know she is not so well  at the moment but that is a seriously trippy dream.

I remembered a dream I had last night. I’m not being rude but it was a wet one.- (okay, I’m not trying to be rude  but I am trying to show off my sparkling wit)

Not working? well you can’t blame a trier- haha.

It was a wet dream,simply because at some point during the night I must have woken up to drink a sip of water and forgot to close the bottle top and it leaked all  over the bedding!  That sucks!

So back to my  virtuous and literal ‘wet’dream…

 This morning,my hubby gave me the whole ‘raised eyebrow’ look at the mention of a ”wet dream’. What does he know?

So,

I am  getting a tattoo in the new year. Something pretty with a phoenix bird -that arose from the ashes.  I have found the place I’m going to have it done. In my dream I asked my Ma to draw out £30 for the deposit and that I could also  lend her an unspecified amount. I went to pay my deposit at the tattoo place and realised I had loads of money in my purse. I was obviously confused but epically happy.

Then, I found out my Ma had drawn out £260 and gone into my over draft! I kind of freaked out at her. In real life I am a bit anal about touching my overdraft. So,  my dream-self I was no different. She said it was an accident. whatever right?

After paying my deposit, I asked the dude who is going to do my tattoo when we could start  playing around  with my ideas- on paper. In  real life he told me he could draw free hand and in my dream he told me he can only do transfers! I panicked.

Mr hotty tattooist with brown eyes- just one shade lighter than my hubby to be’s- had duped me. He denied he had ever said he could draw free hand. strange for a tattooist.

I found myself alone, in the parlour with another man, older and shorter. I can’t remember much else about this character.

I went over to the glass counter and picked up my receipt and realised it said

‘ this customer is entitled to the £8.99 book/high fashion magazine  offer in grey.’

I was so pissed off that I had only found out about this ‘freebie’ by reading the receipt. I went over to the man demanding my book. He handed over a glossy, expensive magazine  to me- you know, like the ones with about a hundred fashion and perfume ads in it.

As I was leaving the parlour. I opened the magazine and it was an edition all about Britney Spears!

What an insult! Nothing against the girl . Some of her songs are catchy; but to be stereo typed by a pop star like her!

In a tattoo parlour.

Well, it crushed me.  What an insult!

In my dream, I was livid.

So an average dream. Not riveting, I know.  I am more interested in the meaning.

I dreamt of the numbers £260 and £8.99 –  2 +6+0 is 8 funnily enough

8+9+9= 26 – 2+6 =8.

I am onto something here!

The number meanings of eight talks to about cycles of time, and the infinite nature of life. Apparently  dreaming  of the number eight can be a message from our soul that says “all is well, you are always protected, and infinitely cared for by the Universe.” – that is reassuring.

Eight is actually a ‘thumbs up’ from the Universe. It is a sign that everything will work out, and my eternal nature is my  true nature.  YAY!

Another interpretation can be that the number eight is a pun on the word ‘ate’.

I’m going to claim this and blame this on my eating disorder. I have  been a doing loads of research for an new Eating disorder support group I  hope to be co- producing to launch in   Spring 2016 ( fingers crossed).

I have been researching a lot about it lately and it makes sense that something so close to me can cause me to be anxious.

To dream of tattoos means I could be attention seeking! Really? never!  Only as much as your average attention seeker. 😉

It could also mean that I am starting out on a new road in  my journey in life. This is true. The phoenix bird tells me that this dream is about  the future and it is a good symbol.

To dream of someone with brown eyes can mean I have feelings for someone with brown eyes. Well, that is a no brainer…

Finally, I must share the Britney spears dream interpretation.

Yes, there really is one.

Dreaming about Britney Spears is about having a strong belief in making a full comeback to regain all of glories past. It takes renewed ambition and guts to work very hard towards wealth and fame all over again. Friends and family will once again accept you for who you are, providing you with the necessary support to make you great.

It also means that you are a strong supporter of Britney Spears and love her music.

http://www.mydreammeanings.com/people/britney-spears-in-dreams/

Scarily, I can kind of identify with this interpretation..

Britney spears makes me think of her song ‘Toxic’  Continue reading