I threw it away
Not realising I would come to call it my most favoured crown.
Fascinated seeing my self riding waves of the guilt
drowned in salt tears of rumination to the hilt.
letting mom down
all my fam too.
Those who truly love me.
There are but few.
Hot damn! That’s better than cool.
Gave self-destruction a permit to ride out a course of self-flagellation
decorated in sleuth
The truth hit me oops upside of my head
Discombobulated -I saw the truth.
I let myself down
Take me back to my roots.
Be nt over crooked
wrung my hands for people who haven’t left my life
Anticipate gloom & doom.
allow these drum beats to perform
my body afloat
on cloud nine singing cheerfully to the staying alive tune…
Regrettably, I’m responsible for this present predicament.
There goes a fully armed disorderly platoon.
folded like that grieving widow.
She had a reason
I still have an abode
I’m not a widow.
I’m down on my knees & up off them almost like it didn’t happen
Stood defiant still feeding an outdated superstition
of other motives
This is my prison.
Trust in people
Risk my heart
Yes, It didn’t go my way
This was a time to not fall apart.
A glimmer of hope I’ll grow strong
Make mirth and merriment
not misery & disappointment.
I have only one person to blame.
I disappoint myself over and over again
then Surprise myself by what achievements I continue to create.
How am I to play this next move?
escape to another alternative reality – never to bloom!
Or talk about my feelings -is anyone listening?
Cos they have, what is the problem, strewth?
facing all that ‘I feel fat’ STUFF
Makes me wanna holler hey you, cat, scat!
Look me in the mirror & be proud
of my deeds for seven consecutive weeks.
Nor ask my loves to keep turning another cheek.
I am to blame.
I have to fight
My mother is alright. I mean my mother is right.
This half-hearted escape acts
attempts on my life.
attempts to self-harm
They come & they go.
If I can keep this train of thought
the cravings of self-hate might go
Perhaps I will still hold on to some of my dignity
or become a statistic…
We all end up a statistic one way or another
What statistic do I want to come under?
Now there’s a question to ponder over.
Maybe I’m not who I say am.
Maybe I’m too prised shut.
Im certainly not the man
More likened to a clam.
Plenty of fish to test my lack of faith.
Caught in the net-
Delivering me to an Ill designed fate.
Tag me with an aphrodisiac.
Swimming in the theatre room
Hang up my ten phalanges
To ward off the inner crowd.
Grains of sand obscure my funny elbow.
Morose in all affairs
Wander afar from the nudists-
They emulate all my common fears.
They are my foes.
Grains of sand.
A Stormy clap of hands.
Alone in this operation,
The agenda is to make sure I get by on an innuendo.
Fear to be me-
To let the tears show up my negativity.
Look for the silver lining….
Be happy or die trying.
This is a message in a bottle
Fish are borderline crying.
In yer face
Creativist of my right palm.
Read in between the lines
I’m the maker of my own divine crime.
* My mind has gone blank. I’m struggling to write. A person close to me is in surgery. I’m waiting .Write to recover. Part of the ‘be happy or die trying’ series
Introduction to the function
of life from the conception of conduct.
His caress catches me off guard.
Wanton to stay in his embrace.
Yet my inner scars compel me to flee.
Does he get me?
Does he see my plea?
Forever etched into my life – part of my unforgettable history.
Scared to be loved for fear of the ‘let down’.
Don’t condemn a man to exile without giving him the chance
to make up for past hurts betwixt by fear.
Is its so hard to believe in my inner beauty?
No wonder I can’t fathom if I have something to offer
Constantly wondering if I have what it takes to make me believe in
I am the walking dead caught in a blizzard
Desperately trying to believe warmth lies in the body of another.
Honest and upfront are my greatest assets & flaws. I’ve avoided blogging too much or connecting over the last few months because I’ve been hiding a lot of guilt and shame –
so I’ve been doing some thinking.
No stream of consciousness or poetry in this post…
Are you still with me? haha
I write for myself first and I always will. When I write for an audience I lose my way easily.
Apologies if this is old news to the more evolved spirits reading this. 😁
Daisy has an epiphany.
I’ve been contemplating on the saying ‘dig deep’
if you decide to use this quote to get you through an experience
Do you know why you need to dig deep?
from our conception & birth into this life
From our first breath – we have started to dig our own grave.
We begin to design the layout of where our final resting place or end will be.
It would epic and less stressful if from the moment we are born we knew what we are meant to be doing.
Many people never figure it out or, if they do its too late to ask them if they have for obvious reasons. 😞
Many people decide to choose a saviour either in the form of an icon – a god, a person, goals – money, love, careers, addictions, etc…
We strive to find something to focus all of our seconds, minutes, hours and years blatantly meandering about on this planet.
Be careful who you allow to support you – some people are so busy trying to save everyone else, ( we all do it at some point); we forget our first honour and duty is to save ourselves and know our own purpose.
It’s known in psychobabble terms as the drama triangle.
Most of use tend to flit between three roles -Victim, the dominating in yer face/demanding person or the carer role depending on the situation we are in, people we are around etc.
Many of us go on to have children who rely on us – depend on us to teach them how to navigate their own path – how to create their own resting place – and to be conscious that each action, each decision they make has a hand in determining how they will die.
Teaching others to rely on themselves is a blessing, not a curse.
It is when we are faced with our own reflection, with no other help but to rely on our own resources /skills we collect along our journey in life.
Will we know how we will get to the other side or to our end in this human form.
Some of us end up addicted or come to our end at the hands of illnesses like cancer or dementia, car accidents etc.
Some of us can go out and have a heart attack while having an orgasm. It’s possible
Maybe some of us are unaware that from the moment we are given independent life we are consistently (for better or worse) building our own coffins.
is it fair that we are not told this from our first breathe?
I didn’t make up the rules in life or society.
We -or rather I – can only govern myself and my actions
Choose carefully who you try to help or who you accept help from.
Don’t get mad when people let you down
They are doing what they need to do – following their own purpose.
Some people never find out what their purpose is.
How comfortable and aware of your surrounding do you want to be when you take your last breath in this life.
We create our own Elysium or heaven or utopia even –
sometimes it’s not what we want or expect-
The truth is we won’t know until we are swimming against the tide or even hanging ten and riding the wave.
I do know that I want to be as conscious and aware of my choices, limits when the waves crash.
My personal chosen Gods have always been tangible- in the form of fully crystallised human beings -flawed just like me.
I think I chose human “idols” to put all my faith because I can have a go at someone when “they” 😉 let me down. I want to face my own success and disappointments A-sap .
Patience /Sabili is not a strength of mine.
I need to look at a reflection of myself to determine I exist.
it’s not easy to figure out life- there is probably more evidence for the saying that instead of philosophizing about how to find our purpose i. life- it needs to be lived – consciously and with purpose.
We can live with a purpose not knowing if that purpose is “right “and we can live consciously and not know what our purpose is.
Our Past experiences can help us figure out what tools or resources we need to use if/when we consciously realise
Perhaps I’ve hit the bottom of my pit
How do I bypass this mythical minotaur I’ve read about?
We wonder how we can or even if we can
find strength & savviness to crawl up & out of it to a stable Terre ferme place.
We may wonder if we have the endurance, courage and motivation to get out of coal mine
Whether it’s worth finding a running brook of water to wash the soot from the inside out.
The alternative option is that our final resting place will be exactly where we decide to rest – in this case, the bottom of a pit. State the obvious 😂
It’s our personal responsibility to find (in our finite existence)a place where we feel we have done everything in our power tosit amongst the angels or the gods of Olympus or whatever it is we believe in that will take us through from the beginning to the end. where we can feel at peace with ourselves.
Some of us – most of us never get to that point. Sucks to be us.
I don’t fully believe reincarnation but I am aware that it makes sense our essence/ energy will go someplace else.
Society tells us it’s a selfish idea
‘ look after yourself’.
Human beings are wired to reach out but how we do that and to know our boundaries and the boundaries of others is tricky to balance
boundaries are constantly changing with where we are in our lives, emotionally, physically & mentally.
It’s scary to know we are ultimately alone – only we can change our selves – our emotions – our ideas – our path.
It’s hard not to resent others or life for making us so capable and resilient.
Damn you life! How dare you 😂
It can be easier to choose to not see the bigger plan – this idea that, yes we govern ourselves and we must govern our selves and own our actions and our lives.
We must practice being aware that every action /choice/thought we make – has that butterfly effect –
we cause the ripples of life. We are made up of molecules & atoms. Ie energy
Science has come up with terminology -that can help us understand our position in this world, we make up , what and how much we are capable
How much responsibility we all have.
We are tiny specks in the universe however just one body made up of molecules has a direct consequence on those around us, our environment – one choice word or action could help balance our life conversely it can cause it to topple over.
We have nature to compare ourselves to – A crystallised example of what happens when we fuck up different ecosystems – when we put element somewhere and take out element B from somewhere else.
It’s trial and error.
We repeat – the cycle continues.
I think that the fear of being alone is a lot scarier than actually being alone
When I am alone by choice or because People forget me. I decide
I choose to swim and come up for air.
I realised that I have walked the earth with legs , I’ve flown and seen the world from a bird’s eye perspective.
I’ve also stayed a rather unglamourous mammalian unable to grow wings or a tail to adapt to my surroundings.
I choose to live another day. I don’t know if my choices are right or wrong .
Time is what it is.
People in my life , of my life
I love you but I don’t want to need anyone. My desire is I want people because of the love & joy they bring to my life.
Do I decide to fight the battle every day or fall back into walking state of slumber?