Just let go – what have you got to lose?
eyes veer from every inch of the walls surrounding her, desperately imploring ,pleading for an answer.
Gain, gain – You have everything to gain.
Let yourself be loved, adored ,laugh.
Gain some weight. Give Life a heart beat that doesn’t stutter out cacophonously .
Passing by incongruent signs .
Lose what exactly?
That last chance to see that person or experience that moment again.
Move on. Time escapes no one.
Yes, move on but isn’t that like quitting?
You are too stubborn. You will be the tower that gets struck by lightening. catches fire and burns to the ground.
You would have been at you highest yet still trying to glimmer amongst stars you imagine are on top of the true hierarchy.
‘It wasn’t a solid foundation, to begin with,’ she says. This time, I get to start again,’she says.
We all deserve a second chance -even a third – not all of us are so pleasantly aligned with the heavens to be given such a gift – another chance to explore.
Malignant. maleficiated. Morose.
Fantasies played out over and over in her mind.
Could that be the allure?
She is aware her thinking is not based in reality but in a place where everything works out just fine.
Let go,that part of your mind. That dream. Free up space for new ideas, true goals to achieve and be who you are meant to be.
Sometimes, that is why she chooses to escape. She can’t handle feeling the tug. Sitting, looking at lines on the palms of her hands Feeling trapped.
To make contact -one last time. her heart sighs….
Sounds like a recording from the denial addiction hotline.
One last time will never be enough.
It isn’t physical. It’s emotional. It’s deep – it’s raw. It’s irrational. Bordering on obsessive.
If she could frolick with ignorance – it would make this sentence- seem less like walking the green mile.
Fighting emotions with reason – battery ,assault, bruised, cutting remarks.
Too much time has passed. She has experienced the same mistakes all too often.
She can’t run to her nearest anchor be it – drugs, alcohol, eating, not eating,
Her will has been made. She signed on the dotted line. Willingly. She has chosen Life .
To feel is a double edged sword. No matter how many times you practice and try and form it into a skill ,a talent even.
The blunt edge is the one that gets sharper.
Every. single. time.
Not even the great Houdini could carry on escaping. You think there is endless time?
Insight – is a savage bastard- reasoning with it feels like watching your favourite underground band selling out to a big corporation.
She must suppress. Not reveal her breasts. She may offend someone.
She wishes you to know – male gender .
If it is hot and you take your t-shirts off – then let her do the same – no bra or cover up.
Equality is a simple equation .
Look at Algebra!
when you know the rules it all becomes a little simpler to understand.
Life is not one and one makes two.
It is all an illusion. We are everywhere, everyone, every feeling, every planet, every language, every song.
When any species is under attack it will either choose immortality or fight and evolve- transcend – would you believe she learnt that from a sci-fi film?
Life is short. bittersweet. Is that why she won’t let go ?
She wants to make sure that whatever happens to someone she has ever had the privilege of meeting to make amends and not feel grief.
Selfish, yes – at least she will be at peace.
* Inspired by me being reminded I wear my heart of my sleeve*
Apparent-ly ,I was not as prepared for the whole love you in sickness in health bit of our binding vows when we get married in June.
Weeks away from the wedding and I find out a week ago that my husband to be has been going blind in his right eye.
He didn’t bother to casually mention it to me, in the the month that his detached retina ,has got further and further away from his eyeball to the point if he left it any longer; he may just need a cane. I’m not talking about this kind.
I was full of rage and disappointment. Sometimes I want to throw stones at the martyrs in my life.
I DO! (I only ever wanted to have to think that on my wedding day? 😀
We joked about the Stevie Wonder rumours yesterday and how epic it would be if he actually put a stop to all the rumours of him faking he is blind.
I’m lucky to have a partner that came from parents who use humour to get on with life’s shake ups. My family do the same.
It sure takes the edge off the reality of the situation.
I just want to put out on this post how much I rely on my G. He is a
diamond – a star. I know there are those gifts you can buy and name a star after someone you love. This to me screams ‘you being taken for a ride’.
HE IS A TRUE STAR.
No monetary value can have a hold on the one I love.
The full package. The rarest of them all. The beat to my heart.
I say this all the time about him and my Bella bee – they are what makes my heart go
kerr- dum ker- dum ker- dum… not so dirty dancing..
Speaking of dancing . We are not having a first dance.
I think it would be awesome to have one but G is not keen. I’m not expecting him to bust out some ‘put your back into it’ moves –
I’m not going all Missy Elliot on him.
He can if he wants too……
but in all truth – I would love to dance to this song with him..
Oh fuck! Shit… ‘THEM THERE EYES !
This is how my mind works?
I love my man’s eyes…. I’m not taking the piss here.
I am being 100% authentic and real.
I dedicated that song to G when I met him…
I’ve been on a high since the SS have exited our lives and I went a bit party hardy but I’ve calmed down since NYE.
Living the quiet life..
monastic excitement only.
I find out the news about this surgery he is going to have in two weeks time.
JUST LIKE THAT! MY VISION OF MY WORLD BLOWN TO PIECES.
The surgery seems pretty straight forward. .
It is what he has to NOT do after the surgery which will predict success or epic failure.
I fucking loathe complaining.
I don’t know who else to talk to .
Everyone I know comes to talk to me and I can’t just stop some -one mid sob and go:
” Shut the fuck up . Back the fuck up . I need help .I feel like I am a shit wife to be. Can I hack this? Do my man proud.?Be a real woman and put on my big but sexy panties? “
I’m not going to go all renegade master on my G.
I’ll don my sexy ‘SUPER NURSE’ outfit on and I will get back into the groove of doing ALL the household chores again. We usually split the chores straight down the middle. No grey areas .
I jest.I jest..
We do work as a team though. It is what works for us.
I’m not used to some one- like the man I am going to marry- getting ill….
Sex is off limits. I am not lying. Well.. I am lying down but you have to believe me on this one.
I dunno google it.. Ha ha
I’ve got it good and this kind of shock experience makes me appreciate my G even more. He does so much for me, hides so much.
He protects me.
He can be a stubborn MOFO most of the time but hell, so can I eye .
Fucking terrible joke. #SOCS I blame thee
I KNOW !
So this is where we are at.
I have to thank my Ma and my Nan because they will be looking after Bella Bee so that makes life a lot easier for me.
I don’t fucking cook….
So, take out it is…..
Or maybe just maybe this experience will bring out the traditional wife who cooks, barefoot, wild flowing hair, all tits hanging loose.
Where has my courage gone?
Here is me Me worrying about stepping up and being counted.
Change is good .
I have to see this is only going to make me and us stronger.
So as apparent as my initial shock is that I am going to be gobbled up by the world that is my oyster. I may just shock myself and bust out all the moves and yell:
STOP! THIS IS DAISY’S TIME!
TIME TO WORK IT! BE BRAVE.
Whatever we decide to say in our vows on our wedding day. Anything about health and love and standing by my man will be a FACT and not some mere idea. I can say the same for my G.
He has stuck by me with all my toil boil and troubles.
No matter which!
I just have to trust the process of commitment.
This post wouldn’t be without :
I will be posting and reading blogs as much as I can after the 19th May – the day of G’s operation,
My Hen do is on the 21 st May-
and the stag do after that-
-and then our epic wedding on the 22nd June.
I wish I had six heads with 6 pairs of hands that I could conjure when I wanted .
So, I am going to leave you all and have a good old rummage in my mask trunk. I need to find the‘ right faking it till you making it’ mask to don in the next coming weeks.
The show must go on…
Last thing I want to share that always makes me laugh is this
We have had the plague
Aids and HIV
The new cowboy in town in Dementia.
He has all the traits of the best cowboy in town
A steady hand
A look that says so much but not something you can be sure what it is thinking
It is true to it’s word
It takes Pride in his work
A true perfectionist
It doesn’t mind who it consumes and takes out it the process.
The Alzheimers society is reaching out to give you support and information. You don’t have to fight this alone. REACH OUT
I found this – it captures how I feel whenever I see my Gran and how helpless I feel.
I’m going to show you some pictures of someone who has loved me for a long time.
I must close my eyes
AGE : 15.
LOCATION : Kitchen ( Gran’s home ) South Africa
Gran comes shuffling in to the kitchen
“Que ce qui pas?“
“I will make you a camomile tea” in her French accent .
She spent a lot of time and money putting me in rehabs and looking after me when I was growing up.
I am possibly the first and only person to have seen my Gran cry that I know of — I’m not proud but honoured she trusted in me.
STATE: possibly drunk or hung over
LOCATION: Gran’s Bedroom France
Grandpa was not doing well. My Gran broke down.
All I could do was hold her.
She knew Cancer and Chemo was going to be the un-doing of him.
He still tried to look after his ‘Trois filles’ ( me, Mom and Gran) until his last breath.
The greatest love affair ever! ❤
What a pair they made.
Grandpa got a massive contract with Loreal in the 1950′ -1960’s . He was the main sales rep for promoting the Loreal brand in Africa.
They travelled everywhere
to name a few.
Gran had spent most of her life travelling. Her father was a general in the army. Her step father some sort of captain and she spent a few years in the cote de ivory and other places.
They had 6 children together
And two other sons who I don’t have pictures of. She was and still is the queen of the family.
So much elegance ,grace and charm. She suffered a lot of heart ache in her life. Lost love, her mother was jealous of her as were her two step sisters.
She was kicked out of her home when she was 16 years old and pregnant. She went on to become a femme de menage and a beautician to survive the streets of Paris..
When she met my grandfather she never had to worry about love or money again. Even when he passed on from Cancer. Her twin sons and my own mother still after her.
The relationship she had with my mother was unbreakable- even now. My Gran still demands my mothers time and is happier when she has her to herself.
This last picture was taken in 2012 -four years ago. My Gran’s 79 th birthday
She loves to laugh and is still a social butterfly just like my Bella Bee-
Alzheimers and Dementia does not discriminate.
A cold and bitter night in the U.K..
The Wind screeched out a name
A lady manages to fumble with the keys to a door and lets herself out.
Where is she going?
a flash of car lights,
Great big BULGING eyes
a night gown whips around the lady’s ankles
She couldn’t live on her own any more. She was find walking the streets in her night clothes, by her carer ,at the time on the coldest night the U.K. had in 2013.
- Gran in her new home – the first of three new care homes she would move to until the present.
This was a place with bells and whistles on. It was like a 5 ***** hotel.
In the few months she stayed here.
She was found sat in bed drowning in her own piss.
She had spread faeces all over the walls and under her nails.
The home said she was too much trouble.
Funny, they didn’t have a problem with taking our families money for the few months she was there.
New home – two days until Gran’s 80th. Her twin sons came out to surprise her
The day my Aunt died of lung cancer . My Mom got a call from her care home to say Granhad broken her hip. She spent 12 days in a normal hospital ward.. Always calling out. Neglected.
We thought we were going to lose her.
A grand daughter,
2 -3 hours
TEETH EXPOSED – FERAL
THIS SOUND – my idea of Dementia raging in audio.
She couldn’t speak but she could scream and lash out.
I don’t think I slept for 2 days after that event.
- Christmas 2009.
Gran in hospital . The last time she would ever walk
Gran loved to walk
Gran will never walk again.
She had to be moved to another home that could meet her needs. No fancy hotel .
Gran’s 81st birthday
I go see my Gran every week with my Mom. I take my daughter. I don’t want her to forget my Gran.
She went from speaking two languages, walking, laughing, taking pride in her appearance to this person.
To being a person who would blanche if she knew what she was like now.
Maybe she does and that is what makes her so angry still.
Yes, she screams and she can’t talk and she scares me sometimes because I don’t know what to do to help her; but she is still my Gran and she has a mental illness.
IT IS NOT HER FAULT!
Her home she lives in now have really put quality over quantity. It;s not a show home -it is a home -home -check out ROBERTS TOWN CARE HOME FB PAGE .
The only people who have got my Gran to a place in her illness where she is probably going to be able to come to my wedding ceremony in June.
Across the world May is the month for creating mental health awareness.