Insert title here

My first uploaded spoken word piece.

Time has been unbearable.



I’m so tired. I have yet to start my journey.

To hear Daisy in audio 😉 click on the link below




I’ll be back after a few long messages.




Raise your words. Not your voice

Dedicated to the gangsters inksters of the writing world.

Lifetime member of sudden death writer collective.

Butter them up to increase traffic

 then render them defective.

Noble people not saying what they do. It’s a performance of sorts.

It screams out – this scene has been played out far too many times.

Fucking over a person should be seen in the outdated queue.

What people do to advance their station.

Dishonest injustice.

I hold a person to their words – hence this unforeseen faction.

Beware of compliments paid by rubber silicone lips.

Not everyone understands that stars like Mick jagger don’t screw over those just for kicks.

I’m out of your game.

I am sharper and know your words scream dissident whore.

Sell yourself out to whoever seems to make more of a racket.

What happened to good ole fashioned honesty?

You fit well into the conglomeration Trump bracket.

Direct devices – mouthpiece – save your screams for another.

Fraudsters and clear ass wipers.

Bleached out.

 your ink will never see the light of day. Offended is the weed who loathes the fickleness of the collective of neigh



Take your numbers and deduce the ifs and the buts,

when all will recognize your true form.

The traitors to writers –  don’t teach our youth this  malpractice – unethical abuse

Power does not come in numbers -it comes from your convictions.

Surround yourself with rats jumping ship as soon as a comet brightens  Haley’s rights.

I say raise your words. This is just what I have done.

I am not a springboard to increase you, smite tribe.

I leave you to  unravel  your cohorts when you have  exhausted their  ink and deemed them a humdrum

I am not yours to use.

*Dedicated to a bunch of Inkster’s. I hope you get what you deserve.

*Title credit to ‘the get down’ series.


Short and bitter Sweet


Can you keep a secret?

‘If I told you I care, I still do. A person can only be told ‘to go away’ so many times before they must act on a person’s wishes. It is called respect. It doesn’t mean that person doesn’t care or has changed their mind.
It does mean that person is doing what they need to do.
It doesn’t mean the heart does not suffer- the mind must navigate a lost heart back to a place where some sense can be found.
To leave an ungoverned heart loose, in a world, that professes to and propagates reason over emotion- would be to condemn the heart,to a lifetime of insanity: a world of no sense’

The untamed heart 






Have a brilliant weekend all!


When OCD got messy

Shout out to LINDA G stream of consciousness   – check out what it is all about here


Caught out -over indulging on sexual delicacies.

Orgasming, glow in the dark visuals projected onto her Fantasia cranium mental ceiling.

So novel.

Walls cave in – was it just lust  that caused her to make up all this fuss?

Why did she do it?

once. twice. three times?

Her heart was consumed. ‘Rose-tinted glasses’ a voice shouts out  and presumes.

She thinks there was real depth to some of her proclaimed emotions. How can she even look at another confectionary when she already  has the sweetest deal?

Her dowry is  her  very own Wonka factory.

There was no excuse for her to set foot out of her mind and demand to feel more satisfactory.

Does momma know her better than she does ?

Always want what you can’t have!  5-year-old  drops to the floor.

Toys R us.

Not leaving till she comes outs with  a red, tanked up, M&M replica bus.

Ready to dice herself up and fling herself into a blender – sexting, texting -somewhat fulfilling,

but not having anyone  else to indulge with afterward, leaves her with a rebellious sense that can only be satisfied by means of  tangible  bondage style correcting.

Honest to a breaking point.

Target those she wants to anoint.

Commitment. Did  she truly know what she was taking on?

She realized her demise when she demanded the same form of commitment from some other, partly innocent feckless person in an ‘ I’m- doing -alright‘ disguise.

Bonfire night explosions went off in their usually tranquil  home.

He sat back too long ,let her spirit roam and defend its right to move within another astral zone.

 Kitchen sink drama screams ,sweeping up the spindly staircase.

Mother clocks eyes with her child, rubbing her slumbered eyes – runs to pick her up and wipe away salty tears from her face.

Heart beating wildly. What has she done.

The sickly cost of seeking out more affection afflicting her  startled young.

Time to move forward.

She has respect, love, honesty, faithfulness, a family, laughter and more than she ever thought she deserved.This place under the shady protective arms rooted to the spot – she truly earned

Time to act like a true woman, tend to  her man and family –   like one would a tree – keep those roses -tidy, pruned – this time the tree still stands .

May lightening strike her heart and torment the rest of her living days if this time she hasn’t  learned.

I can’t get none.

‘You are strong.’

Vexed, pathetic. infallible diatribe.

Ghoulish enterprise.. hiding my true desire.

This is the big moment – I bare my scant soul.

The thoughts that I hide away from all those I seek to protect from a scalding.

Never did I ever want this blog or these posts to come from  an abyss of such desperation,such hopelessness, from a place of I want to  let go.

I haven’t got the courage to do it yet. I really am not feeling this life flow.

Put me in a hospital and I might as well be the living dead  – what is the difference if you visit me in a bed or room or a graveyard ?

It’s not all my head. I can’t just say  to myself

” hey,  I’ll be back in two minutes.”

I can’t step out of my mind or body for a break from  my twisted doused thoughts and emotions. That rise and scratch around me like I am perishing in  the desert.  the fittest  caught  a whiff that someone was ready to let go.

Dare I even cower?  Try and protect myself from the sharp beaks, the canine teeth.

Is it going to feel  any worse than what is going in in my own body and mind?

I can’t hide.

I have yet to decide on a method.

I’m not going back to my vices.

I haven’t built up the courage yet to actually form a plan to hang myself.

I can’t get a gun and I literally  don’t have the balls to blow my head in.

I thought about looking up a drug dealer . Researching how much  heroin I need to inject to kill myself. I’ve never done heroin.

Maybe it would work.

If I had leukemia and asked you to help me end it all now – would you collude with me? Take out your swiss army knife, sharpen it and slit my throat – leave me grinning like a Cheshire cat,from ear to ear?

Whiskers -beaten eggs –  stuffed devil eggs. Paprika -food .

 Mood and food – you have  to get the balance right – or else .. well, you may end up like me. tee hee!

Gaga? Maybe I was born this way, environment, on medication from a young age, drugs, I don’t know, I’m  tired of labels.

I’m sick of myself. I make myself sick – I am a heretic.

Hectic shit.

Mother ?

what kind of mother am I?


I’m not meant for this world.

I  never  have been.

Summon up some courage woman!

Don’t stomp  the pity cry –  just do it!


Stop drawing it out like I’m drawing on a hookah and curling out long spirals of smoke.

Satisfaction- this stone sure  ain’t rolling  . I can’t get none of that.

I’m writing scripts. I’ve got my ideas down .


writing ,


Is it actually all going down.

I’m aware of my physical body. I eat and I loathe – god I wish I drove.

A hot stove – delirious – the crumpets , they trumpet.

Who fries crumpets?

A sandwich short of a picnic.

Doolally .Define that in a way that it makes me feel less of a  crazed , social outcast, a whore at the end of the line on Brand alley.

Losing the plot. Did she have one, to begin with ?

People are fighting Cancer and working a nine to five job  at the same time.

She parades around mouthing off all she is doing. She’s not lying. She is lying down now because  she took on too much .

Too much?

what is too much ?

Comparisons are they good enough?

We are told not to compare ourselves to others but I can only sense that what I define as success is something that I am yet to even address – I must confess.  aw, bless !

I hate it people say that  to me.

“Aww bless ya .” 

Demeaning, scheming. Raging against societies screaming fan club, teething.

Don’t make me be like you. I don’t want to. I want me back . I want my sense of self and my peace of mind.

I stumbled back a thousand miles — all down hill – Throw me a boulder so I can carry on running up the hill and then lose it at the top – groundhog day. Greek myth .

Sift . Sifting.

Plans of my own suicide- well thoughts —  who’s on board ?

Shaking my head at what I profess to do or want.

Selfish shellfish.

Man up . woman up .

I don’t know if I know how to anymore.

I lost the Swedish translated directions. Granted they were confusing to assemble, to begin with . I’ve lost the paper.

Now I just type and think…… Surrender.


Hyde ?  you can’t expect me to just roll over and give up  and deny my true hearts side.

Nonsense – sprayed about in bad fashion  like a  novice graffiti artist –  Nobody or  indeed somebody would want that tag on their C.V. guide.

By being an open book ,in my ques,t to reduce the stigma against mental health .I think I have made myself wholly vulnerable and people seem to admire me from afar – I’ve  set some kind  of bar.

Maybe my own prison . 😀

What a star ! As long as I am unreachable – then people don’t have to converse with me.

Self-pity – feeling pretty shitty. if this makes the publish line. I dunno ,man ……

You may just find me in the Cape, working the vineyards, squeezing grapes to make into wine.

Connoisseur tasting – chicken basting.

Stuffing , innards- That is what I look inside. No, it ain’t tasty -far from it .

Thoughts can get loud. I don’t hear them – it might be fun if I actually did hear them.

I hope I’d get a few characters or a  caricature with infectious accents, just so I could copy them or mock them  or do both.

Entertainment . Call me a cheap thrill seeker.

Laughter. You Bottle it up and I’m anybody’s.

“Sell yourself short , you do , do you know that?”

That why I stopped smoking cigs.  Stunted my growth – vaping is far better. I’ve brought into the latest tobacco industry goldmine.

Money never has a lasting effect on my happiness. I swear I can go and buy 1000’s of  items and I won’t bother to look at them.

What about them wellness tools, you know the WRAP and all that?

Well, thing is .. I think I am further down the line. Early warning signs alert .

If I confess – I’m possibly standing in the crisis line -clinging on to freedom – an abstract  notion.

My albatross – my greatest loss.

Get it out. Get it out. Get it out.

Talk, type, distract yourself. Do some mindfulness – yeah cos  it is working – can’t you tell ?

I am the epitome  of the fully functioning member of society.

We all have our shit, don’t we?

I know exactly how lucky I am – still, my mind is rather damned.

Accosted , snow frost, molested then for obvious reasons detested.

I don’t know what to type anymore. Do I upload what I started doing for my MA?

I got ideas , I’m not stupid. I wish I was. It would make this easier .

Do I want to die?

All these emotions and self-pity make me angry and I can’t even cry.

like sob – real sloppy bucketfuls – enough for Bozo the clown to dive into and get his big flapping feet wet.

That’s one hell of a debt I’m signing up to.

Opt in , opt out.

Peer support – one to one scout -doubt -shout – rhyming until I am caught out.

Bramble bushes – poison ivy.

Shiver a bit for the decline of her Daisy willows liberty.



Are words just that?

My mind is in a long tall hat. Mercury poisoned – Boomed  off to wonderland.

I don’t want to go there. It’s not cool , fun or even fair.

Merry go round – a wee bit of sherry for anyone who is still around?



I’m the beaker of light. I am the one who makes everyone feel better.

IMAGINE what you all must think to receive this as a letter?

Just one of those days when my fears caught up with me -,overwhelmed me, jabbed sticks at me – tell me I can’t .

I’m a Mexican, not a mexi-can’t.

if I can actually bring a daft, cliched, joke into this post then surely I   have got it made and just got laid ( don’t judge me or do)

or if indeed I have made my bed and now need to lie in it.

1359 words count.

Who has time read this?

I’m going to end this with a quote from my daughter.

“Mom , Mom – guess what ? I swallowed a carrot” 

Fucking brilliant. My child is eating her veg.

Eh, whats up doc? I’m starting to feel a bit more hopeful – She  keeps me dangling.

*inspired by fear,emotions, comparing myself to others successes, my MA , my new job, life*

Balancing act.

The shout outs I do are to say thank you and to acknowledge I have actually taken the time to check out someone’s blog and give them a chance to connect with others and be seen. I don’t get any ££££££££’s  or $$$$$$$$’s  to promote Blogs. I just do it cos..

I’m fucking sweet!   😀 ha ha!

Thank you Lottie BLOG BEHIND MY CHILD ABUSE PTSD MEMOIR< WRITTEN BY A BRAVE SURVIVOR-to help other sexually, physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually & ritually abused survivors xx  for nominating me for the  Rabbit Blogger recognition award.  Also known as the Blogger recognition award. 

Sometimes words fail me. I am a writer, so  when I come across a blogger who I connect with for reasons such as this, I like to use music to express the mood of the Blog, or how I feel about the blog and person behind the blog.

This might not seem completely original. I sense there is a lot of courage,confusion, chasing for answers, making sense of this world and all that has happened to this Blogger and what journey she is  currently on…..

So  here you go, my Dear Lottie….



Here is the award to attach to your post -if you so wish accept it. 




Give a brief story on how your blog started.

My Blog started because I have loads going on in my head and sometimes in the real world all those words, trip over one another, and the meaning gets lost. I don’t know if it is just my personality or mental health issues. It is all me. Writing has always been a way I can connect. I wanted to see if I am indeed my own worst critic. I truly am. Ha ha!

Give a piece of advice or two to new bloggers.

Okay. Im going to mix this up a bit.


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Okay here is what I have to say. I can’t believe how successful I  feel I have been in the word press community.

Um…. er.. what do I say?

Every week or two, I do personalised shout outs to all the new friends who stick around the willows. I follow a variety of different blogs for many different reasons.

As my life gets busier and my virtual life  gets more  hectic too, I have realised that I can’t do everything and follow every blog who follows me.That is why I do the shout outs. I  usually do   end up connecting  with many of you -some where down the line.

I’m not just the kind of blogger who goes ‘ A like for a like? like totally I’m up for that shit!’

 I am kind of blunt and yeah….I think that is for me ( my opinon)  fucking superficial.

but.. we all have different agenda’s and that is cool too. It doesn’t mean Bloggers who do that ARE superficial. It just feels that I am being superficial if I did that.


Variety is the spice of life ,right?


I’m here for many different reasons. I have built up strong connections with many bloggers on here. Some don’t follow me. I’m not elementary.

I don’t go –

“mmmh I followed you and you didn’t follow me! thats it you  are unfollowed!”

Not my style really. Unless I hear a troll stampede  then it’s

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In September it will be one year since I started Blogging.

I don’t sugar coat my words.

I have noticed some bloggers follow then unfollow and then the next week follow again.

Please don’t take offence but from now on I don’t do second shout outs unless I want to

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 Just like we all do,I have a busy life too.

I do as much as I can. Blogging is not something I want to see as a chore. you  know?

So,  whoever I lose or don’t lose out of this post – all I can say is -in my experience- Quality has always served me better than quantity.

I like to interact with the people I follow and those who choose to join the willows..

I’m only human.


I love getting to know you all. I can’t spread myself too thin. I want a sandwich with a lot filling ha ha.

Okay this week/month/year  . I am behind with accepting awards and tags and nominating other awesome bloggers.

so every person who is on this list is nominated for the blogger recognition award. I have decided to  not only give you a shout out but share one post per blogger – that catches my heart / mind /soul.

So, that is it really. I’m not a heartless bitch. I swear. I’ve  just  got to the point where I need to regain some kind of balance in both worlds.

There was a bit of advice in there, no?  ha ha!

So lets get back to the fun shit. Meet all these awesome bloggers who make me feel like this


THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR FINDING ME – My Heart is bloody blooming

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Select 15   ( I ‘m breaking the rules) other blogs you want to give the award to. 

If you want to accept  THE AWARD,the rules are at the end of the post. Have a fab week!


MINDFULNESS & POSITIVITY Attention Before Intention Brings Mastery of Manifestation  

throughdanielleseyes Words, thoughts, and snapshots of life.

nadiamortenlumleyShe got goals and a few thoughts from my perspective Search for: Search …

Life Already in Progress Be a lil wildflower


My Name is Jamie. My Life in Prison Letters shared with Sonni Quick

THE DILETTANTE -DOMINIQUE MARIZER- From ideas and inspiration, to short stories, poems, and masterpiece by yours truly.


HILPOET -poetry my therapy. God my all,solitude my love,healing souls my goal…

Subhash Chatterji’s Agile World Connecting photo with thoughts…


SEEK PEACE TIMES brain food for the conscious


A glimpse into the most important years of my Life through the IB CAS program.


A Journey To…? One man’s journey through the heartbreak of divorce

Vinisblog- A Walk Through Kaleidoscope of Life The Potent Tool Against Silence


pyar ik tarfa

dancingwithdarby ‘Dance First, Think Later’

Queen of the Girl Geeks Middle-aged Mom. Girl Geek. Addicted to Beauty Products.


Kaynat’s Blog- LIVE YOUR DREAM

SCRIBBLED WRITINGS Stop counting | Start living

moodybluesblog Bi-Polar Disorder causing anxiety, depression, panic attacks & mood swings. Discussing medication drug treatment v alternative methods e.g. Exercise, yoga, pilates & mindful meditation & being open by talking (blogging)

Milly’s Guide to Happiness Life, happiness, mental health & self care from the viewpoint of Milly the Labrador & Lauren the human.

Letters to G A frank glance into dealing with life after G. My lover and best friend. May contain either / or drunk ramblings, pre-occupations, musings, poetry, self confessions, enlightenments, emotional reveries, joys, ups, downs, all arounds…amongst letters


In through One door and out the other A personal diary filled with re-blogs….the intention is to encourage and develop community 🙂



THE SINNER SAINT DIARY Heights you’ve enacted in your fantasies are seen realized on the stage of Sinner Saint’s living


U N S P O K E N-“Some things, are best left unspoken

theblackwallblog Let’s work together to overcome PTSD, panic, anxiety, depression in ourselves and others.

paintdigi — ALOZADE a. the artist Show you these artistic creations and ideas. Especially in digital painting. —- L’artiste ALOZADE a. vous propose ces créations et ses idées artistiques. Surtout en peinture digitale.

Dazzling move Open your eyes and see the truth…


ANKIT MAHARISHI Begins now , Never ended



  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

    Write a post to show your award.

  2. Attach the award to the post.

  3. Give a brief story on how your blog started.

  4. Give a piece of advice or two to new bloggers.

  5. Select 15 other blogs you want to give the award to.

  6. Comment on each blog and let them know you nominated them.



” I don’t believe anyone is born bad. Life deals us our cards and we do what have to with them- play or give up. Life can make us think we are bad. Mostly, we are all inherently good -we just happen to do epically bad things. Lastly when you get behind the mask of someone I realise that as much hurt I feel and complicated things can get. I am not going to change. All heart.  “


Forbidden Fruit – tempted ?

remember you  may never be forgiven.

The house of cemented cards flutter down , knocked  down by Hurricane Lust.

I got my fill.


What did I expect?

A second man to treat me with just-


Thaw a man with my female prowess   Ha ha!  -maybe not.

The thing is I am always looking at things from other peoples perspective.

My life may be crumbling around me and I wanted some one who knew  the truth and  would take the time and help me or at least ask if I wasn’t  in need of a virtual hug and at least take am minute to be receptive.

Never accept -complicated.

Do what you have to do and don’t wait to talk your mind into getting that thought castrated.

I did what I did because I had questions.

Am I hurt?

It depends , responsibility lays at my feet  like a wilted flower diseased by congestion..

I did this.

I got my heart involved,

in a way that I think I saved face and resolved.

I will never have to wonder if .

I have my answers and to be honest. I’m not writing this to act all glib.

I know what I know.

I know what I saw.

I know what I felt.

I wish you the best,I  too have my own dreams and problems to address.

Peace and love 

There is too much hatred  ,Anger ,bitterness and resentment in this world of ours already. I refuse to contribute to it.