The unsensational one dimensionals

 The pain inside me remains the real deal

It’s  a tragedy how I  only cruise on wordpress when I have tears dripping onto the steering wheel.

The journey that promotes me to tap away is always inspired by an ill gotten day.

Deal with the past. It’s too easy to blame.

I swear, I  look forward.

Stand up for where I  go wrong and who I  maim.

Revolving doors of asylum,  inpatient wannabe beauticians.

Incredulous  that  my  own mother

bipolar, institionalised,

beaten by her lovers and suffered her own ills.

Thinks its better to throw me behind the institution with E.C.T.  waves and the  barbed wire.

Jesus had a crown of thorns – aesthetically cruel in their Romanic decisions.

It’s  a loop on a loop.

more drama –

 Every.

Week.

It’s.

Something.

 New.

No.

every week its  the same song coming out in different shade of blue.

This won’t disappear by erasing my face from your mind.

My child is my glory.

You wonder why i can’t take this lying down?

 instead I give you the flamboyant, cussation  sign

 Call the crisis team.

We live in a Theresa May ,Tory sperm infested  government.

I’m not suicidal.

I’m not drinking

I’m not overdosing

 Not taking drugs.

Merely holding myself at a metaphorical  gunpoint.

I want to protect my family from the inner Iago in me.

Deceives and twists all the good my heart seeks to see.

A mighty herculean -blinded by rage.

Numbers  are his torment – he looks to  them like riches dripped in gold.

an obssesive compulsive disorder compells him to have less –

It  must be all light  and sage.

Alone , i wake up to the sound of silence.

No daughter to say good bye to ,

 no husband plodding about drinking coffee and watching QI on rinse.

In Africa I would be welcomed for my rise in weight.

I’m not in Africa.

I’m in a mind fed on media, with distorted ideas about what to look like.

Social media , I hate.

Insight is a curse -Ignorance is bliss.

Two weeks away from my deadline.

 Post graduate, Daisy willows , in the Humanities

I  should be riding out to the ocean to collect my sun’s kiss.

I feel like I’m there for everyone- I listen  to their woes.

I jump up and celebrate every time they make a success of their lives.

 They shine so bright – I call them my ‘little twinkle toes’.

I know I shouldn’t expect,

then I wouldn’t ‘t get disappointed.

I do,

 i do…

I do..

 life.

I keep up appearances until the night terrors pull me out of my bed, torture me under veiled sight.

 Days

 filled with  infected cuts and perceptions line up disjointed.

I’m not the only one who doesn’t have a family!

So, why do you get the hump when i have no other alternative but to call up the family intervention team?

I want my daughter to grow up without these bouts of fits & confusion.

the cycle of poorly managed mental health to skip a generation .

 Enough with another  ‘daughter following  in her mother’s  steps’ delusion.

There is more to the back lash of her tounge and callous remarks than plain  old wickedness.

We are a narrative of complex emotions bound up, in a body of flesh and bones.

look beyond your eye line fall.

Seek and you  will find a person who is not transparent -less.
Sick of seeking approval from social media one dimensional folk.

Cull the people who can’t see it for what it is.

 Fakery

 it’s  beyond a joke.

Cutting down on so called friends.

re catagorise my means to justify making  ethical ends.

 People see right through you

Unless your name is printed in black and white.

The best stars shine and go about unseen,

making wishes of hope seem bright.

Her rage tips over the sides – the current for those who get credit for being generico stereotype.

It’s all hype.

they barely even look alive.

I want justice.

I want the people who make a difference

 to get credit where its due.

I’ve had enough of this  fake bakery .

Diabetic shots brings out the bad assery in me.

I’m done with pretentious folk .

Emotional  vampires who expect.

Because they think they precribe the ideal look.

Its sad, a shame.

Don’t get caught up in the superficial.

Remember, reality goes way past the fantasy of this screen.

Cos we naturally wired to be a human being.

We need to communicate

 reciprocate.

Technology has purpose – it’s not for living life in a kumbaya state.

So many lies,

people all have ties

Issues-

That keep them  reaching out for 39p tissues.

I’m here for authenticity.

Denounce those who I see,

in all their duplicity.

I can’t be good and kind to all that seek attention.

selfish,

marred

 How tragic is this situation?

Goodbye to many of you.

who will never wake from your boggled  eyed fallacy.

I don’t do this out of spite or even maliciously .

I see clearly what and who holds me back.

My sole purpose is to stay on track.

So good bye to some of  those

I’ve met on my path

Good luck with your life and everything that comes with decisions aftermath.

I aint got no more energy for you.

My people, my life needs my attention. Arrears paid up –

Well overdue.

 Mini life update 14 days  until I  hand in my End Of Module assessment for year one of my Masters. 😛

I will have a post graduate certificate in the Humanities 😛🤓🤓

I have news….

A director (not name dropping) wants me  to send him my script about the homeless couple.

I don’t think Im going to……..

Or maybe I should …..

I don’t know.

I’ve never thought  I was a good enough writer to see my work brought to life.

It”s scary to think that success is possible.

Rejection is normal, but the more I distance myself from the people in my life who made/make me feel shit about myself, and my abilities, and my sense of belonging; the more I  meet  people who see the good in me .

 I don’t want to feel like shit around people.

So, I would rather be surrounded by a small number of those who are true and think I’m cool ish 😎😉.

Let the rest of world get their claws out in their need for attention, and to be heard.

 Be humble.

Life is a blessing already

One thing is for sure. I will never work for fame. I will always work for justice and what is right.

I’m struggling, but never will I give up or give in.

This heart beats.

These eyes have fire behind them

DAISY
Xxx

 

Athena

Sights of sanity

conquest over humans infamy.

moving faster than the speed of light.

computers can’t process the spoken  word

lose track of sight.

Soaring,

tumbling

race  to expose hidden epiphany.

vocabulary fails Athena from reaching success in the liturgy.

damn harmonisation – pomadera technique.

Time management  -father grant one hour for those deaf,dumb and blinded

By the oppression tumble from the mouth of the libertarians speech.

hypophysectomise critical on the downfall .

Search engine optimises  – tracks a perfect pitch call.

Saviour hear these mantras sent up  in earnest.

Soul laced,

racy,

its breathless.

it’s for the greatest good  Nottinghamshire’spoorest.

Bath bubbles wait for a body that has matter .

69 spoonfuls of bio oil smooth out the stretch marks-

dissolves the fat cats.

Watch them  scatter.

Enemy pilots covert zombie nuns in a pig stye

Overthinking- condensates these cloud tufted ideas.

The flow loses integrity – it stands for the lie.

Shaking bones to release the overspill.

Athena  won’t be a subject to her  own life gains and losses.

Stay true to her style.

No  sounds  of a  Swedish  rehashed assembly

lined out to bear all our crosses.

Stunted by the overthink- look away from her spinal  index

a mind blinks in epiletic seizures.

Unsanitary insults tossed around,

a tussled rustle

Nomad hiding in the bushes

He doesn’t whether  he’s angry or horny

Either way should fuck some common  sense into her.

procrastination halts.

Spaces so tight it has to play its ordained key.

Sounds of queer folk living off  Givenchy.

Rumours, ill gotten behaviour

pussy cat kneeding into yesterdays lingerie.

Not so much economical as busy with the normal day to day.

No digits on the clock,

time shows up in a 5 year old making intelligible sentences.

Forced to awaken from her slumber.

Time lapsed under the sound of a deity clapping out thunder.

what’s up with the pretences?

Athena peers into the eyes of a child not so new born.

whispers ‘listen with both ears’

Goddess takes her own advice and is graced with the miricle of life;

she succumbs to tears.

Finally managed to get up on the retrograde.

Trumped on an ally.

Her apoligies can still be heard in the fade.

Outed for having an opinion.

A belief!

Offended the entire faith of chritianity.

exhiled by her father figure.

She stands her ground where other men bow their heads.

Money makes a human weak in the teeth.

One fine day the bull will take off his horns when in pause mode.

The eagle will descend and emotions will spill out of  its  beak

hybridisation is the result of such an offload.

Glitter , maroon -carpets may seize the day and fly.

Although the author of these words questions the reason why.

Calling out to a nation of intellectual breeders.

They never want to hire former institutionalised  life seekers.

Whose truly deserving of at least the 90 th chance?

Some people don’t even live to experience their own wedding day dance.

Stuttering over each word. Tempted to  cuss.

Athena refuses to get stuck in reverse.

Ready to fertilise blood with the dark night of the soul.

Athena never passes up a challenge

uh oh

time to stop her before she’s crying over spilt milk

Betrayal   overheard by a righteous all seeing mole living in a borrowed hole.

 

Star crossed other

Never knew there was a word to describe their combined fate.

Never knew Shakespeare studied the stars and knew much about lovers who mate.

Never knew they were lined up as opposites-never to align on the same side.

Thoughts of opposites attract are magic tinted Methos applied,

so people can trust to confide

in each other.

Always end up leaving one for another.

A summer’s day, sitting, drag remnants on a Marlboro tab.

Forlorn, unhopeful.

Destiny reeled her in like an unlicensed cab.

Doomed. Life growing inside – feelings of  Rigor Mortis was all she could summon to transpire.

The truth was the loss of her will

her desire.

She had lost that inner fire.

Under a freckled thumb- tangled in a webbed lie

through it the sun still shone.

A shadow emerged from the light, and a heart realized its given art.

Fairytale savior- a hero always ready with a smile.

Swallowing down screams.

Shamed

into a false smile.

Their eyes connect – should she tell him what she has done?

It was never to be.

Swallowed a lethal poison in an effort to be free.

Yes, she intended to take the life with her she had growing inside.

It was a desperate plea.

Shades of nausea, don’t you see?

Coins fall to the floor along with all the great works of Wordsmith Shakespeare.

It was easier to think unlovable thoughts

imagined hatred in speech bubble form.

To hear him say you are not for me

 distilled in clouds of fear.

Dramatic scene.

Bus stop revellers turn heads

eager for a spectacle.

hot tempered

He walked away.

Not trusting him still burns her cheeks

 to the same Fahrenheit, she felt that day.

Rain lands on penetrable skin,

wanting much more and expecting the very least,

set the fickle tone for the rest of this cycle of the ‘beck and call’.

Inevitably Seasons passed.

A winters day,

he called out her name.

His smile cleared up the fog of habitual trudging through the every day

society

blurs into arts of abstract- more imposing than some great display admired from afar.

Swept up with day to day folk uncluttered by star-crossed philosophy.

Nothing mattered

Only now,

another chance to show him- somehow he would think.

that girl -WOW! 

Fight for her

somehow.

over imbibed, arguments stippled in blackouts.

New starts

fresh

with sand she dug up for her own grave.

Dirty bitten down nails,

silent punishment for things that could never be undone.

Who’s to say who was truly in the wrong?

She can’t remember much

past walking into the house promising the most fun.

Seasons changed

again.

Dressed and forgiven – ready to wed the worthiest white knight to ever traverse her path.

Dichotomy sanctifies such a union.

Tear’s splotch faces, toasts, fuzzy memories.

Birds out

no need for a tuppence

Freely sung the newlyweds a blessing.

Something along the lines of tinkles chimes and her laugh.

Afterthoughts cushioned  by rose petals

a lavender fusion

flagellation on self

imposed by guilt

deepening the confusion.

How do we wake, make our move if caught in the spin cycle of punishing our souls?

A dare,

 her thoughts told her.

If indeed they were merely star-crossed

She would willfully find a way.

Barefooted, she soberly walked into a live fire burning on coals.

 Figure out what she felt she owed or indeed was it all a division in her head.

Passions stunned into a state of arousal

 Who’s to say if it fulfilled her?

Tears wanton to overflow

nearly lost sense of all ground.

 37 days she had not bled.

There are only four seasons.

 All continues

 winter clearly signaling death and rebirth to come.

His posturing lingered long in her mind.

She fathomed

reasoned

 the duresse of her thoughts;

permanently fixtured her by the spun out  Catherine wheels.

Clarity comes in an obscure fashion.

Manner and presentation are not facts.

Facts -harsh and cold.

 unveiled decision in an exposed mind, scuttling in the dark

not even aware he let loose his redundant rats.

Infiltrate every corner of her mind.

Passively they sit by,

osmosis eyes watch a happy family in a tourniquet.

Forced to apply more pressure.

Open up the wound.

Calculated a reactive to get one man’s truth.

Perhaps Star-crossed lovers are indeed something to be forgot .

Her silence is her answer.

Silence sees her own worth, she sees clarity it doesn’t bother her if the passion died,

Along with the whereabouts of his existence

Shadows move all the time,

even in Beirut.

She walks along her path with a smile on her face.

Her silence doesn’t require her to look up for another clue.

 He was never a star-crossed lover but merely another.

* remember: just because one person/people reveals their opinion or truth about what they think of you to you. This is not the whole truth or even half of it. You are not other people’s opinions. Never let people wear you down into believing you are merely what say or what they think you are. No one has their shit together all the time or even most of the time 😀

Perspectives

If shades came in pigmented blues

Would the world recognize the significance of color as opposed to hues?

Would living in color stop it’s either this or that?

Would gray get a chance to convince us to investigate?

Would crashing into a slick  navy

crude and  lost at  sea,

Inspire old fashioned candy knots to carry us all back to safety?

If black wasn’t so noir

Would fashion dictate less to those in the savoire?

Would flags become less patronizing?

and white flags more entrancing >

A hue is a hue by its very name

A color can decide to change and play  – a child-free game.

Rich in reds and rich in Green

 Would we see who indeed profits from wealth – would we want to change this scene?

Would hearts come together under a purple strewn night? 

lovers take pleasure in dancing in the rain and seeing each other in a different light?

Emotional attachments are often aesthetically pleasing

only to the one who is eyeballing the muddied one’s  high pitched squealing.

Clarity of light sought in souls and not in places of a questionable heaven.

admirers eyes to skies

solid legs still rooted in the ground

unifying all genders of brethren.

How wealthy we are  to have  a landscape of color

Don’t ignore its beauty in the search for another.

 

 

jjj-2017

WORD PROMPT ‘BLUE’   HEAD OVER TO LINDA G HERE

 

 

politics in ‘the willows’

*politics for me, is a mind, body, and soul connection*

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In 2008 I watched this video of 12-year-old, Severn Cullis-Suzuki,  delivering a speech about the state of our planet and a plea to humanity at a global U.N. conference

I’ve watched this 5-minute clip more times than I can possibly count.

Here it is

The point to all this is that I shared this video on my FB personal profile and  received a fair comment

‘Wonderful, inspiring girl but what good has it done the world?’ 

This prompted me to do a bit of research on who and where this girl or lady is today.

Read more about this incredible woman

HERE  – you won’t be disappointed.

WOW!

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IMAGE SOURCED FROM HERE

I can assure you, I feel more optimistic about our future. This empowering person continues to make positive changes to healing our world. She works her ass off. I hope my daughter and future generations follow her example.

Randomly, (that’s me) I  sent a message just to say keep up the good work and got a reply!

As if!

Here it is

P.S. I’m so happy, I’ve figured out the reason I am not getting all of your updates in my emails! Go me! Thank Gary @ food is fiction for helping me organize my blogging world.

Expect me popping up more in your blogs 😀

P.P.S.

 JOIN EARTH CHARTER- Values and principles to foster a sustainable future  – You can keep your money to yourself if need be – just be a part of the environment you and your family and loved ones live in!

I want to know the reason why

I should be working but I have a lot going on in my head. One of those things is the chorus to this song:

Everybody’s gotta live,  and everybody’s gonna die  

Everybody’s gotta live before you know the reason why…..

It’s an upbeat song. It’s a song that makes me think about all the times I want to hide under my bed and not be noticed, it is a song plays out an inner conflict between my fears and my dreams.

It is a song that helps me keep on at my dreams by turning them into goals.

It’s scary for me to commit to anything. I am the person who when I say – Yes. That is it. There is no turning back.

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GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE LIFE GAME.

Hell might raise the roof off  my mind but I will work through the pain. I do it by doing everything  that screams:

 But I don’t wanna………

I think:

Daisy, how can you seriously think you can help people learn to manage their own lives and issues when I am a walking calamity on automatic?  

Well, that’s the thing.

These days, I may have more knowledge and skills of how to manage my problems and thoughts and feelings.

Does that mean I am suddenly cured?

Perfect?

Hell, no!

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This is the thought equivalent to the sleazy pickup line, I don’t need to hear in my own mind.

I do have a system in place that helps me manage stressful times, my illness, me.

Why can’t I be accessing things I know make me well before the government says you are dying – now we will admit you to a hospital?

No, I know how to stay out of the hospital – I know how to be as healthy as I can be when it gets a bit rough.

 I reach out.

There are a bunch of people who I will be working with for the next 14 weeks and I may have some uncomfortable moments.

If I am maintaining my health with support and need to drink a nutritional shake to get the energy I need to carry out what I want to do, people need to accept that and challenge their own ideas about Mental and Physical wellbeing.

Just because I am not 100% healthy ( I don’t think I have ever been 100% healthy or will be) doesn’t mean I have to hide away from the world and be ashamed.

My illness is not me. It is a part of me and because I have a Wellness Recovery Action Plan of my own, I know how to recognize when I am well, not so well, falling off the wagon, or possibly need support to pick me up.

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I have a plan. I know people get ill and people get well.

Do I think I can pull this MA off?    I’m half way there.

I had a mini meltdown last night because my tutor won’t engage with me in the forum (especially when I  felt I needed professional input) – I turned to other writers in the forum and yes, they helped a bit.

 Would my life be better if my Tutor didn’t hold a grudge against me because I am asking for my TMA1 to be reassessed?  Yes.

Would it be easier to back down and compromise my values and beliefs?    Easy for who?

 

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I’ve signed up to do an 8-week acting program in Leeds – in the hope, it will be a refresher to the acting degree I did in 2009-11. I was a different person then- with a whole lot of different problems at that time.

 I want the chance to use this opportunity to help inform my writing for my MA and any future work I do, I also want to give myself a confidence booster for when I  get anxious about public speaking.

Yes, it may look like I am super confident on the outside. I know about how to communicate nonverbal signs that indicate I’m okay. I know what to say to myself to psyche myself up.

In public, I can do an amazing impression of someone with confidence and flair – a lot of us do.

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What is wrong with people knowing that in private that sometimes I’m in tears, don’t want to leave the house, my husband hugs me till I feel safe again?

 I doubt myself, think of giving up.

Does that mean I will give up or fall apart?

My aim is, to stay as well as I can and reach my goals and achieve them.

I will do my best to make sure I damn well achieve them.

Don’t you find it strange how, one minute, the world can seem to fall in on itself and then a couple of hours later, a little fire sparks up and blazes up your entire being?

It’s that little bit of hope.

Hope means: it is possible.

It also means I/we need to work hard to achieve our goals, get scared and have that awkward conversation and feel the anxiety and stay with it.

It also means we get to experience the times when we are “in” the moment, laughing, listening to others, learning, seeing what we can do when we just do it.

No one said life is easy. I have screamed this at the world hundreds of times:

I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN! 

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I’m still here.

You are.

Whatever shit we have done that should or could have been the moments when it all flatlines- isn’t here- yet.

Yes, I will die one day. So you will you.

Whatever your beliefs about the afterlife – they are yours. If they comfort you – keep them.

If they help you put one foot in front of the other- use your faith, and your beliefs to be your best champion.

It’s so fucking cheesy, I know. ( face in palm) I feel like one of those square sandwich cheese melts.

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My point is this:   it takes courage to decide to live, it takes a lot of courage to decide to take or consider ending our  own life.

Like the song goes: while I’m here I want to know why I’m here.

I can only do that by living life.

I don’t want to merely exist. I want to look back and go – it makes sense now.

These are my words.

Have a great week all.

DAISY XOXO

Here’s the song.

 P.S. and here is a poem I discovered when I was about 13/14 years old. I have used it and read it and carried it with me for over 15 years to see me through some pretty fucked up times.

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Unhelpful Prohibition ban

When in doubt or clouded by fear, I communicate.

How you communicate is less important – write, talk, draw, paint, act, dance, create, do anything to express yourself in a way that promotes a healthy mind and your well being.

Heard of the saying: Write to recover?  I do this all the time.

This is how I dealt with today’s unhelpful thoughts and emotions this morning.

I feel you looking at my face, wanting to see it crumple – leave a salty distaste.

I feel you making a mockery of me by playing on my fears, wanting to swallow me whole-see my goals run into arrears.

I feel your idle bones creep and finger down my spine, wanting me to body jump, do justice to my shadow self -engage with a sardonic crime.

I feel you urging me to split in an 180-degree motion, wanting to leave your signature in the air. apocalypse 2017 style,  obtuse firework display.

Future appropriated by an indent eerily hanging in a feckless grin scented with rotting seaside -once a place of value in its prime.

These are my goals, my dreams, my choices. You can continue to dance in ritual, with odd bones, contrast black disguised in a beastly carcas- throwing out chanting voices.

I will cross from the stark white to contrast black. I know that gray matters vigilante’s courage will aid me in reaching the other side of the fog-drenched in echoed noises.

Mist, hurricane winds, cows moo-ing past in circles, the pressure to unveil my true self is marked down in these words I type in small spaces.

Don’t forget to inhale and exhale, life can’t move if forever enclosed in the darkest, somber of places. 

Doubt, Overthink, Overanalyze.

I think therefore I am? 

Scrambled, boiled, poached, deep fried, my mind waits in watch for its own demise -it will overthrow itself, find itself sunny side up. A successful conclusion and coup with my own prohibition ban.

I did it!

 I have expressed myself – in a way,  I feel less unsure of myself. I have released toxic energy from my mind to allow me to break through the fear and move on with my goals- Ongoing and new ones.

Fear or Goals.

I can only have one.

I choose my goals.

Objectives to reach my goals:

  • Continue taking responsibility for my physical and mental health. I’ve reached out to my doctor and asked to be put on extra supplements to make sure I’m feeding my brain and body.

  • Continue to be a mother to my daughter, I am not her friend- I am her mother, She needs me to encourage her to try out new experiences- starting this week. We have ongoing goals to persist with to help her become the best person she can be.

  • Continue to challenge myself, educate myself and learn new skills and techniques for my work life, volunteering life and my academic studies.  ( I’ve already written three drafts of 3 completely different fiction pieces for my TMA 2)

  • Pursue and engage with my goal to do an 8-week Drama workshop because I know what I will get out of it. 

  • Take time to have fun and laugh and do things that don’t involve me working all the time. Socialise, plan time out with my husband and friends, blog and connect with others. 

  • Take a break from social media.

  • What other people think of me is not my concern, unless I have a direct effect or influence on these people. Other people are not allowed to take my energy. I will not give thoughts or energy to those I can not and will not help.  I’ve already committed my time, thoughts, feelings to projects I want to.

That is it for today.

I have a new keyboard so I can finally type and write and blog and comment on blogs -YAY!