Great mate expectations

*A silly 5 minute poem I wrote for a long time mate of mine.

I know a lass called Tri

We’ve sold enough holidays and car hires to start our own biz in the travel industry.

We moved to Tenerife for a life by the sea

7 days of mad filled drunkness I got scared to work at a pub without my  best mate beside me.

we fell out as all good friendships do

and three days later we found ourselves  re entering  Yorkshire-

We didn’t speak for a year or two.

Memories of bussing it to cover a short staffed branch.

Eating boiled sweets ,laughing at our quirky granny attitude — tummy in stitches.

The next moment we could be screaming at each other-people scarpered before they got covered by under our verbal avalanche.

Opposite in twice as  many ways

Young and careless-we had our confused days.

Hit the clubs  straight from work.

Uniforms still on for an early start  shift

 the next morning.

We knew how to work hard and play hard — we  could separate the two/

We made a great team — always ready with a coffee from Merry England  and a cig

-work life was never boring.

Navigating our friendship we sometimes got it wrong

If only we could see how much we wished we could swop bodies-oh to see then that we were wrong to think that would make us feel we belong.

The truth is we drifted apart and life carried on

Until one day we found each other again

we had grown from life’s lessons

More chilled, less judgmental, less temperamental and both married

Me with my child-

My little mate is about to become a first time mum.

I’m so  glad we found each other again-both in our dirty thirties-This time round I see my mate and I count my blessings

LOVE YA LOADS.

 

 

Advertisements

Trigger fish out of water syndrome

It’s been a while since I’ve done a non poetry /stream of consciousness post.

There’s been a shit load going on in the Willows, and every time I think I need to put my thoughts in a post-,life crops up. haha!  Life, damn you!

giphy

Since June  2016 ,I’ve  felt all the positive vibes I usually throw out to the right people shrivel up  into  dead  petals.

The fragrance  of mustard gas  toxins in my mind and body have knocked me out. I’ve tumbled  into a fitful slumber – ignorant to the   natural  effects of the  buzz of Life.

I’ve  become ashamed.

Ashamed because I was finally in the best place I’ve ever been in my life.

And I decided to self sabotage.

Here is the weird logic.

Sometimes, when I feel like creeping back into my comfort zone, I retreat from all the people who  treat me with respect , encourage me to carry on being creative and love me , give me chances to rise and  make a difference in my own life and possibly in others. I become a scorpion in defence and attempt to  sting myself to death.

It’s a primitive response – commanded by his most rational Amygdala.

No chance I’m going to let anyone else crush me. Haha! I will do it myself at my own hands or tail… even.   

Suspicious mind sets in.

giphy1

The thing is my self destructive tail  shrank while I was living life allowing myself to be confident, taking compliments, getting ahead ,  climbing the arduous trek uphill, and finally relishing the view  on top of my own mountain .

I  had already  started the process of  adaptation, in response , to the good fortune I’d made in my life.

Let my guard down.

In fear of being who I have always wanted to be, I fleed with my stumped tail,  roamed the desert and searched  for a medley  of creatures and elements to crush me.

I know this sounds abstract.

I recently went to an open mic night for people in recovery from various addictions, and one girl  came up on stage  and performed a piece about her strange and unusual relationships with toxic people.

It’s almost like a  buzzword. I hear this phrase everywhere’

‘don’t let toxic people into your life

I do get it.

I understand  that I don’t need to be on drugs, or overdosing or starving myself to hurt myself.

sometimes, when I feel self destructive, I seek out people who I think need saving or who can help me escape me or they seek me out. It’s not something I’m aware of until it’s too late.

These people are attracted to me like gravity. Vice versa.

These people become a drug.

There is an allure, a peculiar drive to chase after them. Hang onto every kind word spoken , every sweet gesture.

Then when  they wake from a spell of disallusion- or they feel they have been stirred in the wrong direction,or  an ingredient they needed to feel good about their current situation is added too lightly or heavy handedly; They turn on those they see as weak and prepared to put up with their bullshit.

I liken this behaviour to a rather lethal bad batch of substances or hootch .

I  refuse to walk away,  I guzzle up swigs of insults and snort up the  all the flaws that make up my chemistry.

giphy2

Eventually, they take all their own self loathing, regret, frustrations  and issues and dump it on me.

There is strength and vulnerability in me. I’ve never wanted to build a wall around who I am.

I’m transparent.

I may do shitty things and its no excuse when I say,

I’m always upfront about it.

I always let the people in my life know what’s going on.

Where I am at.

I  tend to do this with people I have just met too. I’ve hid myself for so long. If people can’t get me from the start, then I’d rather know sooner than waste precious time.

It’s not an excuse to do shitty things to other people.

I choose to tell people what I’ve done/doing. Good and bad.

I confess, I usually  have a lot to lose -most of the time.

9472470aa2469ef2d22810e89b602815-depression-suicide-truth-quotes

 I’m blessed to have a small circle of  family and friends who are  ready to take my hand and help me out of the jungle.

Help me leave the ones who are in the thick of it ,simulated  and hanging out with  familiar,  estranged  animals. They are trying to survive.

It’s hard to take a knock. It’s facile to blame others for your setbacks. I’ve done that in my life over and over.

Many times.

It’s only when I decided to make a conscious choice to make peace with my past, and take responsibility for what I do now, have I been able to bounce back quicker from life’s trials and moments of fuckery.

It’s obvious, right?

 Blaming others for how you feel is hardly going to solve your problem ,is it?

I’m full of passion, empathy  and I can be blunt,I do speak my mind  and  I can be a soft touch.

Disastrous in the wrong hands.

It becomes difficult to keep my mouth shut and not  turn the remnants of my poisonous tail  on those who hurt me.

i-am-a-thug-and-i-will-cut-you-prettypussy-9626746

Passion floods through my veins. Bubbles over.I retaliate  especially after seeing someone else’s  imperfect life. After listening to their feelings and ideas and dreams. Reaching out and saying, ‘ I’ll be there for you’ .

These people usually say: I didn’t ask for your help – ( it doesn’t stop them from taking it when it suits them)

It’s hard not to retaliate when family, friends or an acquaintance who  I’ve trusted to divulge so much about myself, in things I trust they won’t use against me, because of our common acknowledgement that we listen, don’t judge and empathise.

I retaliate at hypocrisy and denial.

I retaliate  when a person uses ammo to hurt me and then cries in a murky pond of self pity  at what a scoundrel I am! 

 when I give it back to them- in their language. People dont like being spoken back to  in fluent asshole. It’s usually my last resort.

It takes courage and stupity  to allow another to  hurl a  barrage of abuse at you. This can be subtle- only you know it is abuse because of what it does to your mind and emotions.

To have  someone  not understand how or why or  even care, that  they are poking my underbelly;

To try and  reason with a person who can only see how hurt they are – how what has been said  to them is far worse than what they have said, is frustrating.

Bashing heads  together-over and over. It becomes consuming and frustrating. I just want to record what we have already gone over, press play.

Stuck in a loop. Trying to move forward.

Attack!

Go away. 

Wait, I need you.

Welcome to radio station FM  mixed signal.

In my experience, I’ve met many people who are going through their own shit storm,and instead of looking to fix themselves they will  throw sticks at another’s issues.

Some do try and fix themselves but are surrounded by other toxic people who hold them back.  Their dreams and goals become more obscure and more difficult to make out.

The  other ones caught up in the spiral of habitual self abuse can’t help but bring others down with them.

So,

Why do I feed into these wonderful people who are full of heart  and pointed edges?  I can see they  are clearly awash with troubles.

Why cant I leave them alone?

 the nature of addiction is  compulsive and obsessive.

It’s agonising to know the psychology of toxic people and know what they are doing, feel immoblised and, desperately hanging on to my sense of self. The voice that usually stand ups and says

I won’t take this. I know who I am. 

is replaced by a mouth stitched up in apathy.

A shell of myself holding tightly onto hope.

Its not the person its their behaviour.

Hard to swallow until my passion and sense of justice regurgitates all their abuse, the cold words, the push and pull effect.

It’s hard not to expect people to be on your level- it is worth training your mind and heart to expect little from people.

Especially the people who let their guard down.

Am I the only one who can be around certain people and not feel self conscious?

 Not doubt  my intelligence, ability, my ideas and my very being?

I’m not left questioning  If I am worthy.

Then,

there are the people in full bkoen toxic mode, who will take all the positive energy from you ,and then discard you. It’s because they are   highly  absorbed  in their own life of misery. They know deep down they are better than their current situation. The anger is a reflection of the weaknesses same weaknesses they see in those they use.

 I say:

 don’t hate these people.

Most toxic people have good hearts, and when in a good place (if ever) have a lot of love and time to give to others.

By all means walk away from them, let them push you away.

Yes, sometimes we have to be pushed.

falling-off-the-cliff

Sometimes, we have to put aside the good we can see in them, and realise that they can only help themselves.

I know all this because I have been toxic.

I’ve done all these things.

We can all be toxic.  Always take time to refocus and reflect.

All experiences can help build on your character and teach you important lessons about yourself.

We are all works in progress.

36186390-368-k525336

 

 

 

 

Always look up

Hola!

‘Always look up wherever you go – those who walk with there eyes to the floor miss out on so much of life’ 

DAISY XOXO

DAISY GOES INTO BUSINESS:

What a palaver!

I spent weeks working on trying to figure out a way to sell my products on a free WordPress template.

A lovely friend of mine suggested – Wix and e -commerce.

I was in entrepreneur, creative business utopia until I had to learn the system …

It’s been challenging. It is still a challenge but I am seeing progress and, I am getting so excited for when we finally go live.

 

fd0262d4bc4e17b6d585b5a691f9e176

SMALL MOTIVATIONAL REMINDERS 

 

DAISY DOES HER MASTERS:

If you have followed my previous posts on from the start of doing my MA,  you will know it has been an ocean of tidal waves and tsunamis and, high tides and low tides.

These still waters of mine run deep.

My First TMA (tutor marked assignment)   Act one of a stage script about a homeless couple received a CLEAR PASS  of 62%

There were tears, miscommunication, fall outs, despair and I lost confidence in my writing abilities.

TMA 2 ( my second genre -Fiction writing)  I wrote a supernatural piece about a girl who (accidently) commits suicide.

Lat night, my tutor emailed me to say she was having an issue submitting my marks via the online system and she didn’t want me to start worrying, so, she copy and pasted all the feedback and my mark into an email.

She gave me useful and extensive advice on what I propose to write for my EMA ( end of module assignment due in May 2017)

The second act to the homeless couple script.

Eeeeek! 

I do feel more supported, understood, challenged and more confident in achieving what I want to do with my writing for this piece.

Oh, the results for my TMA 2

82%   a HIGH MERIT.

I’m back to the marks I was getting when I was doing my final year of my BA in the Art and humanities.

I need to keep this momentum going. I don’t want to find myself under merit territory again.

348ecd3239a4328facae3c75fce9f32d

I invest a lot of time in people and the things and causes I dedicate my time to.

 

DAISY DOES VOLUNTEERING:

One thing I have had to put on the back burner is helping to  co-facilitate 12 weeks of WRAP (wellness recovery action plan self-management program) with the EIP   ( early intervention prevention ) team for people diagnosed with at least one episode a psychotic episode

I’m gutted. There were many issues that led me to distance myself from this.

Two being:

Issues of funding and logistics.

I enjoyed meeting up the people I was going to work with. I loved their energy and enthusiasm.

A lot was promised and then not delivered.

 I felt the need to email my colleagues and tell them what I thought about how the course was put together- I was my usual blunt self and not very diplomatic.  Ooops…

I feel that if the NHS ( national health system) in the U.K. expects results from a new therapy or a new way of self-help/lifestyle and illness management program, then scrimping on pounds is not helping promote or inspire that WRAP works.

In the long term WRAP  (run properly) will most likely save the NHS money.

As far as I’m aware- nobody knows what is going on with this current  WRAP workshop. I haven’t fallen out with anyone. I can’t give all my energy into something if everyone doesn’t  have the same vision.

For me, it needs more planning and preparation and I’m not going to be that person who just turns up to volunteer at a workshop to go –

‘Oh look at me, I’m making a difference’ – when I know, in my heart, the results this particular workshop can have on people’s lives if  it is implemented properly.

giphy (7).gif

 

I’m currently putting my energy into other charities I work with to see how I can help them.

DAISY GOES TO HER FIRST SESSION AT THE  ACTING PROGRAMME WORKSHOP :

I wasn’t nervous until I got to the place. I arrived early. It was bitterly cold and I hate the cold.

It turned out to be incredible.

We did a few  Actor warm up activities such as being aware of filling the space and being aware of other Actors around us.

We did some improvisation and using our body exercises to convey emotion.  Loads of fun!

What a lovely bunch of people. I am definitely going to the next session next week. We all seem to have common goals and everyone is so unique and interesting.

66749847

UNEXPECTED SURPRISE ALERT:

There is a possibility we may (or may not) put together a little something to perform to students at the university after the 8 weeks.  How awesome is that?

I do try and keep up with you all on here. It has been difficult but the more knowledge and confidence I gain in the above  areas of my life – the more time I will  get to have fun- one being reading blogs and blogging random stuff

DAISY LIFE UPDATE:

 It was my husbands birthday on Valentine’s day. We have a sleigh bed!

hi ho!  hi ho! it’s off to bed I go – ha ha! It’s massive – king size!

10499222_1501536403412291_85805895_n.jpg

After the mid-term school holidays in February, my Bella – my daughter will be joining Year one ( she is in reception at the moment)  for her reading and writing class.

She has two mates with her who are excelling just like her and she is a bit of a whizz kid at Maths.

DAISY’S MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE:

Long story short. Pushing other people’s buttons to get an honest answer has been difficult -emotionally- to sit with – without trying to avoid the emotions by self-medicating.

I’ve been angry at myself for nearly destroying the best thing  I have in my life- my family – because, I believed ( with help) that someone cared more about me than they actually did.I put a lot of my energy into helping a person when they had a meltdown last year. It all got thrown back in my face.

f4ff4defe40bdb17c4930c4f297d4e0b

I finally know the truth. That is all I ever wanted. Now, it’s time to let sleeping dogs lie.

That’s it – all very boring but it’s all happening

Physically. I’m eating better and I have more energy. I haven’t lost weight which is something that terrifies me equally as putting on weight does.

 

36186390-368-k525336

 

the transformation of Forlorn

Hash slinger – dilutes 365 days worth of grapes fermenting in a  cave filled with stolen hearts.

Instigator- in need of ingredients  – list ready not fully prepped but all great recipes need parts.

Dark ale, vodka trail – ‘buy get one free’ cocktails.

E- colorants – fry the mind -a far cry from fresh mint and soul mates kiss.

New beginnings left in a brawl of broken communication,

walking all uphill – alone.

Moving target – pray for the deceased – we may miss.

cuckoo birds sling out freestyle, rap, battle war cries,  on a council estate –   beaks pointed and drawn.

Prepared to engage in battle. A  girl walks by she goes by the name forlorn.

Forlorn found her way back home, in the arms of her significant other.

Her mind and heart she gave away freely to another.

Too many grains of sand lost to shell-shock beach.

Too many thoughts and emotions she stewed over.

One potato – made her believe she was smashed enough and that it was her lucky clover.

Magic happens in all forms of manners.

Butterfly wings eats at the table, always gets a slap to the head from  Peppered head chef.

Escapism signs – she drove her mind around the same block clocking  355 days worth of miles. She surpassed the speed of light.

Infinitum.

 There is a harsh ignorance in being deaf.

Cleft palate.

Third world faggot.

Take offense to the fact the one can be cured by a doctor at liberty, the other could be the one who does the operation.

Connections made in hazy chatrooms- friends first?  denied.

 She let her guard go below waist level.

Summer, trees, fresh breeze- no red wine- only a heart jolted into shame and alienation.

Walking into her shift at ‘club unresolved‘, the room filled with patronly feelings.

Ignored, lonely spell caught up with her when she was having her smoke break.

She drew up a new sheet – the rules of this melody could go whichever way they choose.  One little minor grew into a major.

Tchaikovsky in need for  Concerta of this scale.

Lonely spell  – left without decorating the cake.

Allies can be few and far between-    Forlorn can’t take lonely spell with her into every one of her dreams.

Sweet relief falls like crumbs to hungry birds, not enough to satiate every lost soul.

At least Jesus had his merry sunbeams.

One year of Forlorn clenched fists, post sticky notes reminding her to breathe.

Begging for mercy.

Forlorn only wanted Lonely Spell to let her be another  Venusian friend – not some spicy flavored condiment that would only end up in regretful screams.

‘The Let go’   should bring comfort to sweet forlorn.

Weightless -gravity took hold her.

Luckily  Soul mate was quick enough to tie a string around her emaciated form.

His spirit grabbed hold of her – even when bone turned to dust,

disappearing,

 falling apart at the seams.

Forlorn, not for thinking she had lost a missing ingredient.

Forlorn because she never needed a magic ingredient to make her whole- she blinded her own eyes with a blow torch.

Moment of Epiphany.

A Stray Cat only gets to sleep in a babes cradle,

 if a mother forgets to secure the front door behind her- facing  Fallible street -Eastside of the mansion porch.

 

 

 

This little light of mine

I’m a Jedi at laying my heart and mind and soul for all to see in the written or oral form.

This post, I’ve been putting off.

Why?

Self-doubt gremlins.

giphy.gif

Wondering what I’m doing with my life?

My life looks amazing in black and white and pink.

It is amazing!

 Until, I focus on perfecting something to the point where I know that I will never see perfection. It is something I am yet to put a limit on.

I push the goal post of perfection every time I think I’m nearly there.

imgres-37

 

I stepped back from blogging, volunteering and doing work in my community to essentially focus on this Masters.

shrinking-self-esteem.jpeg

Not a bad thing.

Since I started out on this particular path, I’ve become over consumed with it. Nothing else exists in my mind but this.

An unhealthy obsession?

Here’s me laying myself bare. No cameras – ha ha! you will be put off for life.

I didn’t think I would be accepted or get help to get on this Masters degree. I  went for my goal like a rabid dog.

32e765e9a201b52a6e2aad61e4be0d9b.jpg

I got what I wanted.  A death wish.

I’m stubborn enough to know how to get what I want. Or,at least what I think I want.

Reassessing the situation in the place I am in now, I’ve realized my reasons for doing this degree is not to write novels or random stage plays or just any genre of fiction.

My main goal has always been to use it as a ‘feather in my cap’,and an added bonus to use it in my C.V. so, that I can continue to work in my community with the people and issues that I am passionate about.

Vulnerable members of our community.

I want to do this in a creative way.

giphy (3).gif

 Not a let’s go to the doctor and get a script and go to CBT and get in the system.

I started this blog around the time I was doing a 12-week programme called WRAP. (September 2015)

  I wouldn’t shut up about.

 I still don’t.

Then, this summer I was given the opportunity to do an intensive 5-day training course to be a Wrap facilitator.

I worked my ass off. It was rough but I did it. I thought I was losing my mind.

 

giphy (1).gif

 

I AM A BELIEVER.

 

 

I write about themes such as homelessness mental health issues, inequality, politics.

I did get a decent mark on my TMA 1 – but most of the comments ( in my humble opinion) are patronizing, insulting, subjective and contradictory  – to not only my own experience, knowledge, and research of stagecraft and the subject I choose to write about.

It was insulting to the people I work with and where I want to establish myself in the future.

aa91a814febf8d39e14696bc9d971602.jpg

So, on principle, I am still going for a remark.

In order to get a Switzerland reassessment, I have to appeal for a remark to get another assessment.

I’ve stuck up for myself when I felt like hiding away from the life.

I’ve  had my viewpoint heard.

I’m still doing my MA.

I’m already on to the next TMA and I have hit all my deadlines so far. I’m still in the same writer’s forum group I started out in.

I don’t mind feeling uncomfortable. I’ve lived with myself for 35 years.

Others might have a problem. I don’t! Not my issue.

giphy (4).gif

I am open to learning from my tutor who I am entitled to disagree with and within my rights to question. I might not get an answer 😀

I don’t know this person well enough to make a remark on their character or who they are.

I can only go by the feedback, my work and my ‘come back’ to answers and things I don’t agree with or that I’ve already referenced to back up the decisions I made.

 

Back to re-evaluating where I want to be and where I want to focus my energies.

I’m not going to stop writing or talking about my passions (in a way) that show a true representation of the subject and the people who inspire me to write.

Fuck writing to tick boxes and conform to one person’s idea.

oh-what-a-rebel_o_2187955.jpg

I’m  enjoying learning.

There’s  a wealth of resources and information that I am picking up with the academic side of writing, reading others work,  reading other writers feedback -this includes the one/people who mark my work.

I’m open minded.

I  believe I can learn something from anyone, anything- doesn’t have to be human.

 My daughter teaches me several things on daily basis. She is 5 years old.

I’ve decided to go with my heart and my passion and get involved in a project that allows me to get creative with others and use   WRAP’s   key core concepts and ethics.

I get to be unconventional. A responsible rebel! EPIC!

images.jpg

I get to be a part of something that could help others before their issues become diagnosed illnesses in the current model of treatment we rely on to live our lives in as well as a physical and mental state as possible.

My MA is a bonus, in my opinion.

WOW! I get to be creative in my work life, social life and I get to have fun blogging and learning from so many different people.

Someone is getting paid to read my work and mark it!

 True, I am paying them ( MA’s are not cheap)

 I asked to do this degree – knowing full well I put myself up for the role of guinea pig.

Of course, there is going to be teething problems. It’s a learning curve for everyone involved. Students, tutors, the people who fund it.

I’m in it.

I’m committed to doing this first year, on the condition, that I will make it less of a priority to where I have placed it since  I started it in October 2016.

 

giphy (7).gif

 

THIS IS MY COMMITMENT FACE. IT TOOK A LOT TO GET TO THIS STATE. DON’T LAUGH. 

 

 

My people – my circle – my family are my priority. Yo dawg, gone all ghetto!  😀

My interests, my passion, what I do on a day to day basis to fulfill myself and bring in some cash is my priority.

Blogging is a priority – I might go under the radar for a bit and miss out on reading some of your posts.

 I’m not going anywhere.

giphy (8).gif

 

I don’t do  New years resolutions.

 I prefer to spread my goals out over a longer period than one month.

It does work for me. Less pressure.

Since I’ve realised my priorities , I’m enjoying life again.

Writing, studying, reading.

 I’m so excited and honored to be a part of something I feel so much passion for in my community.

We are all stars.

 I felt as if  I was dying – burning out!

 I found out I’m not.

I just needed to scout around to find a place in the sky that allows me to shine a little more brightly.

EVERYONE SING 😉

‘Twinkle twinkle little star…’

giphy (9).gif

Of course, it’s awesome to receive praise.

I use it as a self-motivation tool to achieve my goals.

We are all different. We all want different things.

I am no different.

Seems obvious. ha ha!

 I’m  doing what I feel is right for me and my health and the people I surround myself with.  They have to live with me.

That’s it.

Nothing complicated – just plain writing with no fancy flowers around it.

I’m the best decoration I have -I make no apologies for figuring my shit out.

 

Discourse Intercourse

Black sheared sheep – interrupts my sleep flow.

Jumping forwards then backward.

Hit repeat.

He’s part of the clandestine cult thought- process flow.

All beginnings eventually have to come to an ending.

Concerning future alliances- the fork in the path mutates an extra prong.

mind bending.

Altercation.

Allow for the change in shape of an another alternative route.

Cheat decides to look up in dictionary.com what it means to say moot.

Meaning already forgot.

Decision debased on ill-behaved behavior electrifying a footwork track -based on a biracial intercourse toot.

Turn moot into witch doctor Muti, a cure for this malaise oddity may break contact with the shepherd’s compulsive ewe.

Silenced into the next move in the game of life.

Charades,

Chess,

Cluedo .

What is the most Infallible- can do?

Make a fresh start- sell out one pearlised vocation. Many breed the high ground in a scorching sorting hat.

Priorities muddled in an attempt to make a life more longstanding than a welcome mat.

Mathematicians turn up in a state of multiple divided equations.

New lease of life -E=mc^ 2  – it’s all relative – beautification renders an approving look – misread face leads to unresolved complications.

Ratify.

 Sanctify.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

3 am -Hare wakes up to see tortoise break past the time barrier, marathon race. March mad, too young to let his ego sit back -ears push forward in sly.

Morals without a compass, external hard drive.

Clock rings.

time dials erratic – so distant.

Testify to honor all vocations – duty bound to follow the one leading to the most effective change – energy is insistent.

What matters is not to what degree – all frying pans are a sizzle. Take a calculated risk on Heart.

wrenched backward -trust it will not deceive.

Patriotic to the cause of writing until last  breath  ceases – suspended in mid-air -acrobatic chaos,

spectator led into disbelief.

Matter not those who don’t walk the same path.

Respect this life entrant is making a decision on behalf of the majority, swathed- ready to abort the plan.

Whim-sake not the confidence of this indecisive.

 Aim to do better -empath.

Besmirch the elders – radicalize the institutional bonds that bind.

The weight of titanium – Poseidon never lets a nymph stray too far from the seismic mind.

An explosive ending to start off the new year.

Just over 365 days to go.

Dealer?

change this automatic for a  manual stick gear.

 

socsbadge2016-17

 

LINDA G WORD PROMPT: MOOT -CLICK HERE TO GET INVOLVED

 

 

Necessity bares echo

It’s easy to get caught up in the negative jumble yard sale and pick up everyone’s  discarded trinkets or  junk. Gladly, I’ve handed over my money – my energy and the energy of the  remnants of the previous owner’s objects stain my fingertips.

The swirly parts on my fingertips- the ones that make me one of a kind – mutate into something I am not.

Ghost-like.

” call the Priest -exorcise this impurity.” 

How do we pick up other peoples junk that looks pretty and appealing, without losing our confidence, and faith in who we are and who we have become?

It sounds so clinical to state:

 get a pair of synthetic gloves on and retain your true essence- don’t allow the memories and beliefs of others,to  poison your very own mind.

But, isn’t that artificial ?

I pride myself in baring my soul. Telling it like I see it. Standing up for my beliefs.

I get shot down  many times-  Cry for a bit – tell the world:

“I give up! ”  

Then the boomer rang effect inevitably comes  back around – smashes me in the head with the haunting words  “I give up!” 

I hear this echo .

” Oh no, you don’t.”

 I start counseling this echo – It’s distant from  me, not me.

 I don’t  have to take my  own advice if I have released it into the universe in one exclamation of defeat.

It’s a reverse psychology technique that works its groove on me. The equivalent to some hot guy actually bumping and grinding against me and not pissing me off.

A feat that is almost impossible.

It doesn’t sound like my voice. I can  give the echo advice. I can “big it up”

I can talk to  it into standing up and fighting for its right to be heard and I tell it

“You can evolve from a mere echo – fuck narcissus literally or metaphorically and leave him to it. “

“Let him drown in his reflection – pooled – snookered. chalked – marked . boxed in.”

“Chump.”

When you challenge what others say about you , to you or what they think of you – you may come across as confrontational  and emotional -defensive even.

 Only you can allow yourself the chance to evolve from an echo that gets lost in the underwater caves – that will  die when the tide comes bubbling in.

Don’t let it die in the spindrift.

 Let it evolve into a voice.

Your voice can speak on behalf of so many who don’t even know or  even have to know what you are doing.

It’s allowing growth to occur – it’s building character.

Someone , who hasn’t found their voice yet- somewhere down the line – possibly living  the bear necessity life, will hear it.

It could come from another voice  – passed down like a traditional story  Isn’t that how stories first evolved?

Isn’t that people first learned how to take  in information that we feel is important to pass down ?

Isn’t that why we can write paint, talk, act, dance, move , protest, make peace, argue ,debate, remember,honor,  create?

It  can take one person to blow apart everything I have worked for.

 I throw out my’ I  GIVE UP’ boomerang  – it comes back  in another form

I write about it- moan , grumble, collect evidence to fight my very own standing rock.

I,  too need clean  water to live.  Pure Air to breathe.  I need passion to live.

If I allow one character to crush my passion – what then?

What was the point of  baring  my soul to the world?

Of  not being ashamed  airing all  of my experiences, who I am  and what I’ve done ?

 Hang  out my entire newly washed, passion fruit scented lingerie collection ,in the densely packed  , over populated jungle I live in . Free to be dissected, analyzed, mocked ,admired ,mimicked, ignored.

I write plagued with doubt .

 I hit publish.

I take the time to thank the people who inspire me and get me, and then all of a sudden – the world – parts of energy sense a spirit giving  out and not holding back.

These  energies group together , have a cup of herbal tea and a catch-up and then -I get an email – validating my  voice, what I do.

I get a:

” Wow thank you – I needed this – I can’t accept it in the way you want me to but I will give you this….

 compromise.

This gives me the strength to fight my wars, my battles – a new era begins tomorrow.

I’ve developed lock jaw – not letting go of this one just yet.

I want to see what doors close and what doors open

I want to see the lights illuminate the path I am on.

If only to see the shape of it;

my future.

 If I can’t see that – I have no hope.

Without hope, I have no beat-  then it is time to call in the clubs and spades.

So, give up , take a  breather , read the terms and conditions, ask for feedback from more than one source, look at those around you- those strong people who manage to carry on with a smile their on the face.

I don’t know the outcome of this particular situation or most situations I put myself in.

 I do  have a goal no matter how blurred.

I do know I have to  go  into every experience with an open mind, a solid form , confidence, boldness and the idea that:

I may be wrong,

or

I may be right.

Maybe a bit of both ?

socsbadge2016-17.png