Talking head challenged a stroke

*Things/thoughts society urge people not to talk about or write about*

If you believe everything you read then I should have gone into the media business.

 Meg!

 thanks for this.  Meg is highly artistic and creative lady who only sees a hint of her talents.

She is a friend and the reason I’m writing this post.

song inserted to listen/lyrics at end of post  (optional) – It all ties up at the end……

 

DISSIDENT DAISY THOUGHTS

How to know if you are not a weakling sap?

You do everything wrong.

starve yourself, stay in bed, pretend everything is okay, hoover crap up your nose, watch and wait for your grandma struggle with death for 3 days.

Forget about what makes you well and happy.

Fallout with everyone you would die for

Think you have ignored your daughter’s needs  and are dismal parent

then, still say

N0.

I’m sorting out my priorities.

H20 AND O2  🙂

moment by moment

I tumbled a fair way -off the waggon wheel.

This is not just about drugs – in fact, drugs are probably the only dysfunctional part of me that looks so horrific and doomed because it is so visceral.

People can’t see my other issues.

Okay, maybe a bit of weight loss- not so shocking that people turn around and gawp. I cover it up well.

I slipped off the waggon – mentally and physically many months before I decided to reach out for coke.

Point is, I did a three-week drug binge – hated every moment of it.

It took the announcement of my Gran being given the short straw of life to stop fucking about.

She may or may not be in heaven. I hope she is.

This may or may not be a piece of fiction.  I hope it is.

Research for my EMA?   ( one of my characters is addicted to drugs and is homeless)

well, he was when I last looked at the script back in November…..

I told the supplier not to supply me. He respectively hasn’t and I respectively haven’t had the desire to ask.

I  don’t like the way drugs or alcohol make me feel or act. I don’t like how denying myself food I like and love makes me feel.

I don’t like what the symptoms of my issues does to my personality, how I behave when caught up in it.

People slip everyday.

How many accident claim adverts have you seen lately?

Slip up, is what meant. 😉

Most people don’t talk about it.

What have I got to lose?

I have everything to gain.

My integrity.

War is peace

Truth is Freedom……….

Ignorance is strength ? 

ha! got you 

George Orwell is a pseudonym  😀 

My family…….

bloggers who know the real me – bloggers like Meg.

People in my real life may read this and go………………

I’m not telepathic and I never ever want to be.

I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, WHAT YOU THINK. EXCEPT TO THE ONES, I SPEAK TO BUT I ONLY SPEAK TO PEOPLE WHO GET ME.  ( maybe that would sound better in a ghetto lingo)

I’m on the mend. I still have issues – just cos I’m not hoovering shit up my nose doesn’t mean I’m  100% healed.

What about your business Daisy?

Business is growing.

How did you support your habit?

I rented out my body …

(FACT OR FICTION )

does it matter?

I have a personal account and a company business that is separate and I have another issue where what I would spend on food gives me overflow money to spend on prostitutes, porn, dunking doughnuts, Cider, cars, gambling, clothes, shoes,  drugs – illegal and legal self-medicating.

Yes, love a bit of Erotica   – Anais Nin 😉

 

The point is the waggon is not electric and it is in sight. I’m running alongside it.

What about your Master’s degree, Daisy?

Doing it. On track.  One more scipt to write and year one down.

I can tell you -100% truth that having mental health issues and reverting to my default coping mechanism has done NADA for my creativity.

Me being me and writing from my heart and keeping my head just about screwed on is why I have managed to come out of this with flowers blooming out my ass.

I digress.

Bit of a rant…

Thank you,

Meg

for the tag.

I TAG (optional)

BROOKE @ THE UTOPIA UNIVERSE

CHARLIE@ CHARLIE ZERO THE POET

I LOVE A CHALLENGE.

I LOVE MUSIC.

Combine the two together and I have put myself up for a HEALTHY CHALLENGE.

It’s going to be a busy couple of weeks sorting out the funeral with my Ma.

I need to help others to dig myself out of my own shit storm.

I’m committing myself to this challenge because I can.

A song I currently love is this

It gives me hope that the youth of today are thinking like this young lady.

Enjoy…..

 

[Verse 1]
My quiet observations on the bus city people lost trust
Maudley’s out patients are shouting with the pavements
They looking rough can’t get to grips so they end up looking worse than shit
Maybe if I can see who there talking too I might talk to them to so they can prove
The spirit never lies but before I get to try the clouds open up and let god cry
Why is this white lady nervous cause 3 black youths come on so she checking were her purse is
Make me feel nervous like they ain’t my country like they don’t really want me
But mummy always love me I never had a daddy it was me and my mummy
Mummy was my daddy I can either cry or see it as funny
How you can have a child and then just leave
Now I’m walking around with my heart on my sleeve cause I’m effected anytime anybody leave
You can see my scars and hear my silent screams
I been reading books to analyse my dreams and to me it seems
The only chance we get to make sense of it is when we put our heads down a little bit
That’s why I’m spitting it cause each one teach one and you can take it how you want don

[Hook]
Right now I got a lot of work to do
I gotta smooth out my edges
Eat more veges
Listen to my elders
Vibe with my peers
Confront my fears and
Finish this album
Right now I got a lot of work to do
I gotta represent the youth
Speak more truth
Eat more fruit
Get wise with my years
Confront my fears and
Finish this album

[Verse 2]
But it seems I get side tracked it’s like a mind trap I get a call real late bout were the foods at
Cause certain man a certain place got certain food to taste so my Nikes are laced
And I was never really one to stay awake through a working day for them little bit pay yo
This nine to five is just killing me slowly but quitting is for quitters so I wait until they fire me
But now no one will hire me cause I got more lies in my CV than a pro’s had STD’s
When will they see I was born to reign entrapment is my pain I need to feel alive again
I need a man that compliments my style overstand I’m this way until I die
Has ambitions of his own so ovastand i don’t wanna be alone I just need a little time in my zone
This one goes out to my shotters in the alleys were all brothers and sisters were all family
All my sisters trying to raise there babies all the youth man with court cases crazy
It’s like the smarter you are the bigger your worries stupid people are lucky trust me
This one goes out to my people with ambition I’m still learning I’m still trying but for now

[Hook]

[Verse 3]
Honesty is courage and since I got the heart of a lion then there’s no sense in lying
I portray my life over violins no matter what it brings least I’m being real
When I look at my future I fear failure I fear the fact that you might not like me
I know I’m skilled but just maybe slightly what if my light don’t shine so brightly
I’m scared of that I’m telling you the truth I’m scared of that
What if the doctor said you couldn’t have children
What if the system they tried to topple what I’m billing better living for all my ghetto children
And I don’t mean were you live I mean your state of mind
Cause ghettos not just a place ghetto is a vibe
And I don’t need no boastie words or complicated flows
If I know what I gotta do then I flow
But sometimes I get tired sometimes I lose faith I guess that’s the reason that we got to church
Cause when you at the bottom of the barrel it hurts need something to believe in and God works You think spiritual is just hocus pocus what you really saying is you have not noticed
Inside us all is a silent protest you can acknowledge or ignore but me

SPEECH DEBELLE – FINISH THIS ALBUM

ANAIS NIN IMAGE CREDIT

I can’t get none.

‘You are strong.’

Vexed, pathetic. infallible diatribe.

Ghoulish enterprise.. hiding my true desire.

This is the big moment – I bare my scant soul.

The thoughts that I hide away from all those I seek to protect from a scalding.

Never did I ever want this blog or these posts to come from  an abyss of such desperation,such hopelessness, from a place of I want to  let go.

I haven’t got the courage to do it yet. I really am not feeling this life flow.

Put me in a hospital and I might as well be the living dead  – what is the difference if you visit me in a bed or room or a graveyard ?

It’s not all my head. I can’t just say  to myself

” hey,  I’ll be back in two minutes.”

I can’t step out of my mind or body for a break from  my twisted doused thoughts and emotions. That rise and scratch around me like I am perishing in  the desert.  the fittest  caught  a whiff that someone was ready to let go.

Dare I even cower?  Try and protect myself from the sharp beaks, the canine teeth.

Is it going to feel  any worse than what is going in in my own body and mind?

I can’t hide.

I have yet to decide on a method.

I’m not going back to my vices.

I haven’t built up the courage yet to actually form a plan to hang myself.

I can’t get a gun and I literally  don’t have the balls to blow my head in.

I thought about looking up a drug dealer . Researching how much  heroin I need to inject to kill myself. I’ve never done heroin.

Maybe it would work.

If I had leukemia and asked you to help me end it all now – would you collude with me? Take out your swiss army knife, sharpen it and slit my throat – leave me grinning like a Cheshire cat,from ear to ear?

Whiskers -beaten eggs –  stuffed devil eggs. Paprika -food .

 Mood and food – you have  to get the balance right – or else .. well, you may end up like me. tee hee!

Gaga? Maybe I was born this way, environment, on medication from a young age, drugs, I don’t know, I’m  tired of labels.

I’m sick of myself. I make myself sick – I am a heretic.

Hectic shit.

Mother ?

what kind of mother am I?

Wife?

I’m not meant for this world.

I  never  have been.

Summon up some courage woman!

Don’t stomp  the pity cry –  just do it!

Branded.

Stop drawing it out like I’m drawing on a hookah and curling out long spirals of smoke.

Satisfaction- this stone sure  ain’t rolling  . I can’t get none of that.

I’m writing scripts. I’ve got my ideas down .

Reading,

writing ,

thinking.

Is it actually all going down.

I’m aware of my physical body. I eat and I loathe – god I wish I drove.

A hot stove – delirious – the crumpets , they trumpet.

Who fries crumpets?

A sandwich short of a picnic.

Doolally .Define that in a way that it makes me feel less of a  crazed , social outcast, a whore at the end of the line on Brand alley.

Losing the plot. Did she have one, to begin with ?

People are fighting Cancer and working a nine to five job  at the same time.

She parades around mouthing off all she is doing. She’s not lying. She is lying down now because  she took on too much .

Too much?

what is too much ?

Comparisons are they good enough?

We are told not to compare ourselves to others but I can only sense that what I define as success is something that I am yet to even address – I must confess.  aw, bless !

I hate it people say that  to me.

“Aww bless ya .” 

Demeaning, scheming. Raging against societies screaming fan club, teething.

Don’t make me be like you. I don’t want to. I want me back . I want my sense of self and my peace of mind.

I stumbled back a thousand miles — all down hill – Throw me a boulder so I can carry on running up the hill and then lose it at the top – groundhog day. Greek myth .

Sift . Sifting.

Plans of my own suicide- well thoughts —  who’s on board ?

Shaking my head at what I profess to do or want.

Selfish shellfish.

Man up . woman up .

I don’t know if I know how to anymore.

I lost the Swedish translated directions. Granted they were confusing to assemble, to begin with . I’ve lost the paper.

Now I just type and think…… Surrender.

No!

Hyde ?  you can’t expect me to just roll over and give up  and deny my true hearts side.

Nonsense – sprayed about in bad fashion  like a  novice graffiti artist –  Nobody or  indeed somebody would want that tag on their C.V. guide.

By being an open book ,in my ques,t to reduce the stigma against mental health .I think I have made myself wholly vulnerable and people seem to admire me from afar – I’ve  set some kind  of bar.

Maybe my own prison . 😀

What a star ! As long as I am unreachable – then people don’t have to converse with me.

Self-pity – feeling pretty shitty. if this makes the publish line. I dunno ,man ……

You may just find me in the Cape, working the vineyards, squeezing grapes to make into wine.

Connoisseur tasting – chicken basting.

Stuffing , innards- That is what I look inside. No, it ain’t tasty -far from it .

Thoughts can get loud. I don’t hear them – it might be fun if I actually did hear them.

I hope I’d get a few characters or a  caricature with infectious accents, just so I could copy them or mock them  or do both.

Entertainment . Call me a cheap thrill seeker.

Laughter. You got.me. Bottle it up and I’m anybody’s.

“Sell yourself short , you do , do you know that?”

That why I stopped smoking cigs.  Stunted my growth – vaping is far better. I’ve brought into the latest tobacco industry goldmine.

Money never has a lasting effect on my happiness. I swear I can go and buy 1000’s of  items and I won’t bother to look at them.

What about them wellness tools, you know the WRAP and all that?

Well, thing is .. I think I am further down the line. Early warning signs alert .

If I confess – I’m possibly standing in the crisis line -clinging on to freedom – an abstract  notion.

My albatross – my greatest loss.

Get it out. Get it out. Get it out.

Talk, type, distract yourself. Do some mindfulness – yeah cos  it is working – can’t you tell ?

I am the epitome  of the fully functioning member of society.

We all have our shit, don’t we?

I know exactly how lucky I am – still, my mind is rather damned.

Accosted , snow frost, molested then for obvious reasons detested.

I don’t know what to type anymore. Do I upload what I started doing for my MA?

I got ideas , I’m not stupid. I wish I was. It would make this easier .

Do I want to die?

All these emotions and self-pity make me angry and I can’t even cry.

like sob – real sloppy bucketfuls – enough for Bozo the clown to dive into and get his big flapping feet wet.

That’s one hell of a debt I’m signing up to.

Opt in , opt out.

Peer support – one to one scout -doubt -shout – rhyming until I am caught out.

Bramble bushes – poison ivy.

Shiver a bit for the decline of her Daisy willows liberty.

1218

Words.

Are words just that?

My mind is in a long tall hat. Mercury poisoned – Boomed  off to wonderland.

I don’t want to go there. It’s not cool , fun or even fair.

Merry go round – a wee bit of sherry for anyone who is still around?

Ashamed.

Maimed.

I’m the beaker of light. I am the one who makes everyone feel better.

IMAGINE what you all must think to receive this as a letter?

Just one of those days when my fears caught up with me -,overwhelmed me, jabbed sticks at me – tell me I can’t .

I’m a Mexican, not a mexi-can’t.

if I can actually bring a daft, cliched, joke into this post then surely I   have got it made and just got laid ( don’t judge me or do)

or if indeed I have made my bed and now need to lie in it.

1359 words count.

Who has time read this?

I’m going to end this with a quote from my daughter.

“Mom , Mom – guess what ? I swallowed a carrot” 

Fucking brilliant. My child is eating her veg.

Eh, whats up doc? I’m starting to feel a bit more hopeful – She  keeps me dangling.

*inspired by fear,emotions, comparing myself to others successes, my MA , my new job, life*

A dying shame.

Yeah, I’m obviously not going ignore that it is WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION  DAY -especially considering the work and training I have been doing this week, around Mental Health Recovery embracing the 5 key concepts to   the

Wellness

Recovery

Action Plan

Programme.

  1. HOPE-People who experience mental health difficulties get well, stay well and go on to meet their life dreams and goals.

  2. SELF-RESPONSIBILITY– It’s up to you, with the assistance of others, to take action and do what needs to be done to keep yourself well.

  3.  EDUCATION-Learning all you can about what you are experiencing so you can make good decisions about all aspects of you life.

  4. SELF-ADVOCACY-Effectively reaching out to others so that you can get what it is that you need, want and deserve to support your wellness and recovery.

  5. SUPPORT – While working toward your wellness is up to you, receiving support from others, and giving support to others will help you feel better and enhance the quality of your life.

    http://mentalhealthrecovery.com/wrap-is/

I’ve been so inspired, comforted, shocked and angered by the stories I have heard this week. Every one of us has been through shit- the same  clinical diagnoses come up again and again, being drugged, feeling ashamed, stigmatized.

alone-in-a-crowd-edit.jpg

Being called crazy for acting in a way where obviously a person’s mental health is not good for whatever reasons .

Still, we live in this society. With this Victorian -lock them away, throw away the key mentality.

ahs-2x07_01

In my life, I have met people from all walks of life, ethnicities,religion, job roles/class .

I knew a physiatrist,  (I have known many)  who was not mine but a fellow inpatient,just like me.   No one will know who I am on about. It was many years ago and nobody who knows me  today and who I connect with today will know this person.

The thing with suicide – it can be intentional and unintentional – a quick act or an act that goes on for years  until eventually, Grim reaper does come to collect .

Usually, there are  years of pain and suffering and wearing  the ‘I am ‘normal’ mask,  not like – them – the “crazy” -unwell people, before someone does intentionally/unintentionally ends their life  .

“I only drink 1/2/3 glasses of alcohol, a spliff, a night/at weekends  to calm me down/get a buzz .”

I’ve  heard that a lot.

 Why does a person need this kind of outlet and coping mechanism to chill or escape from  reality?

I include myself in this.

Life is stressful.

We are not helping our mates, colleagues, family,friends and community by pretending  this is one of the  healthy ways to cope.

“I  only  inject heroin or smoke crack ,snort coke/Ket on weekends”  It’s recreational use.”

I hear that too . These  very words have come out my mouth over the years.

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SELFIE- WE ARE HAVING A BLAST – ONLY ON THE WEEKENDS!

 

“I  can’t cope with life at all and need to  take antidepressants/ mood stabilisers/ drink/smoke/inject/starve/comfort eat  to cope and deal with the stresses of life”

I can hear the crowd heckling and tsking already.

That person has gone too far.

“All in moderation.”  I hear  some people say.

Have you actually looked at what the ( ahem..) governments guidelines for how much alcohol you are actually “advised” ( doesn’t mean you should) to drink or the number of painkillers you should take and when you should take them ?

(if that is your “thing”)

1-alcohol-unit-new-guidelines-v1-2.png

 

Did you go out and buy a government ,custom made, wine, beer glass or whatever to make sure you  are getting the correct dose?

If you look at your drinking glasses compared to what the size of the glass that is advised (if you insist on drinking something that happens to be legal), I think you may have gone over the limit.

only-1-glass-a-day_o_1117041

In this context, The moderation theory is a fucking myth, in my opinion.

Food is legal – people get addicted to it/not eating it.

So is Sex. So is stealing – that is illegal, of course.

Why are we self-medicating ourselves in this way?

Ask yourself. Don’t point a finger at Bob or Tina next door who are total mad heads, crazy,raging druggies or whatever,who are always having a bust up.

Look at your own life. The own things you use to keep you well, that  keep you able to make it to work the  next day or not.

Keep you ticking over just nicely enough to cope with Lifes/ people’s unrealistic  expectations of you.

Just a thought.

Do or don’t. I am not here to judge. I’m merely expressing my thoughts. I’m thinking/ musing– being human.

 I know I come acrosss as confrontational in this post and maybe I am.

Hell, yes I am.

I’m pissed off at how society decides who is fit and who is a misfit.

There are so many other ways to chill, be happy , live.

Why do we  (I  include myself in we)  choose  ways that are not actually healthy?

Why do we alter the wiring in our brain?  Numb our feelings?

What is wrong with feeling and expressing so-called “weak” ” negative” feelings?

Take a look at your friend, a stranger in the street/ family member/ the person who calls you crazy.

See this?

 

giphy (14).gif

Let’s TALK ABOUT THAT FUCKING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!

 

It’s not hard to figure it out.

Did you know that a person with a label of schizophrenia is more likely to kill him/herself before harming another?

Yes, self-medicating – drinking ,taking drugs to cope increases the chances of a person with a diagnosed mental illness becoming violent.

Think of christmas, bank holidays, seasonal drinkers who congregate in civiliced places to drink or even the illegal druk takers who congregate wherever to imbibe whatever substance.

I’ve been to these pubs/clubs/houses/parks/festivals/doss houses sober and seen what “normal” looks like.

How many of those people do you know ?

Do you know their back ground , mind state?

Really, How well  do you  know them?

Have you seen what what alcohal and drugs can do to a person who is a “normal” member of society?

“It was the alcohol , the prick who looked at me differently, the fucking coach of whatever sports team, that German/English/ French prick.” 

What you put into your body will change how you act/perceive things and that is my point.

If I drink alcohal  – when I have and done so, I  tend to binge drink and I can “lose” it.

One last thing to think about, if you wish.

If I asked you to  visually describe and give traits of a   person who you think  is likely to think about or actually take their own life,what does that person look like?

Here is a  Fact:  or about as accurate as a statistic can tell you.

The person most likely to attempt/take their  own life,according to the statistic website I chose to use,

  • White

  • Male

  • age 30- 64

  • method: firearm, strangulation, suffocation and poisoning

  •  Previous Attempts to self-harm.

This is my husband.

I’m using him  as an example with his permission, of course. 😀

Five years ago, he did fit into most of the criteria for being the person who  is more likely attempt/commit suicide.

 He  thought about ending his life  when he was bullied, in his early teens, in the neighbourhood, he grew up in.

My husband has  ended up in A&E due to an injury he acquired intoxicated. In his  case,skateboarding accident.

Today,he is not suicidal nor does he own a firearm( it is illegal to in the U.K.) He has not drunk alcohol in 5 years, doesn’t smoke or use drugs – he has never even  smoked a cigarette.

feature_world-suicide-prevention-day

 

 

WRAP -OFFICIAL PROMO VIMEO

MY WRAP FACILLIATOR TRAINING STARTS SOON, SO EXPECT  SEPTEMBER POSTS  TO BE FULL OF NEW WAYS OF IMPROVING THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE.

ALL FOR FREE.

THE ONLY CURRENCY REQUIRED IS COMMITMENT

Daisy in the Willows

I have been quiet on the WRAP  front – wellness recovery action plan . Only  for the reason I knew this testimonial video would be available for YOU and others who want to take their life in their hands and have a plan for if it all goes down the toilet.  Eeeugh!

WRAP TESTIMONIAL PROMO VIMEO

Anyway here it is. I think it will have more of a powerful effect on those of you who do decide to watch it. Instead of me waffling about it over 12 weeks on camera. If you want to  to do WRAP and are not in a physical place close to where I live. You can still do it via my WRAP page. No costs – for free.  Or you can go to the founder of Mary Ellan Copeland and pay for the various material (if it is not free) that can be…

View original post 64 more words

PERMISSION: to Fuck up and pick myself up

“I fuck up all the time. I also make sure I get my shit together and fight for what I want  and who I want in my life. I can’t fight for the ones who give up on me but I can only wish them the very best “

DAISY WILLOWS

Apologies for not reading as many Blogs as usual. I have read as many as my mind can take in.  It’s been pretty rough for me lately.

WWJD?

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WWDD?

StopBeingAWussTimeToWomanUp.jpg

All very “woe  is me” and it has got boring!

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 but it is a  new -ish day!

I needed too get something optimistic out into the Blogo sphere

My tuition loan for my MA in Creative writing has come through- waiting on  one more loan to come through.

I don’t take no for an answer!

Then 2 years from now I will do a mini PHD top up and go and rule my world!

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Oh and in other great News,

I’ve been officially approved on the WRAP training facilitator course in September. If you don’t know about it yet. You will do. I will merge my own personal WRAP PLAN and journey with my new role of holding the space for others to have courage and believe in themselves and feel safe to go on their own journey .

I’m not a teacher, merely a person who has  a chance to offer support.

Volunteering with  charities in Mental Health is the best thing I started doing with my life.

They know I have been ill , may even get ill again.  The point is, if I don’t put myself out there I will not have a chance to seize any opportunities.

Volunteering gives me drive, Keeps me focused, empowers me to do my best in life and if I manage to help a few people out on the way then what more can I ask for?

 

 Oh and here is how I was able to get on this course. Scroll down to check out my PLEA to get on this training.

Just hit scroll if you don’t want to hear me go on for oh 5 minutes on my video cam… 😀

This is my career. I take it seriously.

If you want to listen to me waffle about how I felt about WRAP way back in December 2015 – feel free. 5 minutes of me talking!

Oh the excitement! 😉

 Oh  and if you don’t want to know about WRAP.

I’m offended.

Ha ha! I’m not.

My WRAP page needs updating but if you want to know what Daisy get’s like when she is passionate and determined  CLICK HERE.

Never thought that me filming myself nearly a year ago would lead me to this.

Carpe Diem!

MY PLEA

  1. I, Daisy Willows,agree to abide by the WRAP ethics and values.

*PLEASE ANSWER THESE FOUR QUESTIONS TO CONFIRM YOUR PLACE ON THE TRAINING*

 

  1. ABOUT MY WRAP EXPERIENCES AND HOW I USE WRAP IN MY LIFE

When I was given the opportunity to be a part of WRAP, I didn’t know how much it was going to impact on my life and the lives of others.

I was and am by nature sceptical. I have relied on medication and psychotherapy and in patient treatment as a way of managing my mental health for most of my life.

WRAP was a three-month period where I began to realise that I could have more of a say in how I want to be treated and how I could cope differently.

I learnt so much. I now have so many different ways of coping and I find that when my mental health does dips, I do get back to being in a better mind state more quickly because of some of the techniques I have learned and adopted.

I believe WRAP is personal and unique to everyone who participates. I don’t think I took away the same thing as any  one of my peers.

It was an opportunity to discover more about myself. How I can help myself.

I learned to work as a team. I felt safe and I didn’t feel judged.

3.MY REASONS FOR WANTING TO BECOME A WRAP FACILLATOR

 WRAP has given me the confidence and skills to live a life I want to live. I want to be able to share that with others

I am able to take every aspect of what is covered in WRAP and either use it myself or pass on what I have learnt to others who may need advice.

I believe WRAP is the way forward with the CPA. I have given a plan over to my professionals who support me about my wants and what I don’t want to happen if I go into a crisis again.

I have alternative ways of coping with my wellness toolbox. I also have a post crisis plan to let people know when I am getting better and I can start taking more responsibility for what I can’t when I have been unwell.

WRAP is truly the best gift I ever received.

Is there anything bad to say about WRAP?

Well I suppose an open mind helps.

It requires commitment to wanting to improve my life and consistency.

4.WHAT I WISH  TO DO WITH MY WRAP QUALIFICATION

Spread the word. Let  people know there is another way to manage Life in many different ways. I want be a Wrapper. Use my qualification to just offer support. I am no teacher but I can give my time and my energy and my listening skills. I am enthusiastic and passionate about WRAP. I believe I will be a great asset to getting this programme and alternative way of living out into our community. I use WRAP every day, even when I am not even aware it.

24 hours

Today- the present.

If you read what I refrained from posting yesterday, this will give you a clear perspective on how our thoughts and feelings change constantly. I wasn’t going to to go out yesterday. My feelings on how I  was feeling was that I was being  all very ‘woe is me’ and I  had a ‘doom and gloom’ outlook.

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Such an unproductive way for me to think.

 How did I get myself from my bed to out and about and carrying on with my life?

  • I COMMUNICATED.

  • I talked about my worries.

  • I explained my anxieties.

  • I spoke to my Mom and My G.

 

Mom’s great advice was

“You do not know what the future holds”

“Live for this moment”

My four year old daughters advice was this:

” Mommy, I have a good idea . Do you want to go to Asda with me and Daddy and then I can ride the bull/ car ride?”

 Here I was worrying about so many things. I should have been getting excited about getting married.

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I  know I am not  the only person  who over analyses and catastrophizes things. It’s a shit mind set to be in but I do work on it.

Catastrophizing is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is. Catastrophizing can generally can take two forms.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-catastrophizing/

I have really missed doing my volunteering. I’ve been so focused on the wedding. I am so happy to say that I have a chance to co -produce and facilitate a mini workshop for Healthy minds at the end of June.

It is in connection with the OPEN MINDS PROJECT.   – that Raises Mental Health Awareness and helps to fight against reducing the stigma around Mental Health issues. 

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Fingers crossed!

Please send me some positive vibes. 😀

 

 

I get the opportunity to help Healthy minds   do a mini -workshop ,to help  raise awareness around how    parents can  manage  Depression and Anxiety, in a  more holistic way. The other  aim of the workshop is to also sign post people to organisations where they can access help.

I may share a very small part of how I  personally handle my mental health as a parent.

I’ve got a meeting on the 27th June.  The wedding will be over and I can get back to doing something that gives me a sense of purpose.

What a difference a day makes!

I’m so glad I used my care plan and my coping skills yesterday and pushed myself. I can 100% honestly say that when I came home I felt I had accomplished something. I paid the bills, I went to Asda, I popped in to see a friend. I had a chance to laugh and I got to spend time with my daughter ( in the U.K. it is half term holidays.) .

If I had shut myself down completely and said no which is what I initially did. I wouldn’t be feeling like I feel today.

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I will post details of the workshop in a post  as soon as possible.

24 hours ago –  My mind state. 

As you lose your youthful Strength,and your body acquires a “more lived in look”, meditate on your true self, your essential consciousness. Body consciousness has no place in your thoughts. You are old enough to know what really matters.” UNKNOWN.

You would this I had this one quote sussed already, right?

WRONG!

Yes, I look more mature these days, I’m getting married and I have a beautiful spirited child who gives me more joy than any drug or party  or person ever did. I’m turning 35 in November.

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As many people say:  I have come so far.

I have cheated death more times than the luckiest of cats.

I’ve gone from a 5 stone , skeleton to a 10 stone toned person full of child hearted  playfulness , a life, friends and  love.

What comes after marriage?

YOU MUST COME OFF YOUR MEDICATION DAISY! IT IS ADDICTIVE AND YOU DON’T WANT TO CHANCE ANOTHER CHILD  BEING BORN WITH WITHDRAWALS FROM PRESCRIBED MEDICATION  DO YOU?

No. Of course I don’t. I was  put on these meds to drug me into staying on bed rest.So, I didn’t burn off more calories when I was ill and severely Anorexic in 2005 . I also use them too hep me eat. Sometimes I still get anxious when I eat and after I have eaten.

One part of my eating disorder that hasn’t disappeared.

I do love food. A great anxiety reliever for me is exercising (in moderation).

I’ve been on these meds for over 10 years! Along with other medication.

I’ve spoken with my support  of a reduction plan at my own pace. I am up for it because eventually  we want to extend our family but today  I have suddenly been struck with the blood of a lizard.

Pale and anxious.

How am I going to cope without this shit that keeps me okay?

G  is an epic Dad. He deserves his hockey team.  😀   -(He is  not getting a Hockey team)

I haven’t touched cigs since my Aunt died of Lung Cancer in February 2015  but I am still addicted to nicotine.

I E -VAPE.

I can go without alcohol . That is not an issue for me.

So on these terms and as I stand today, what kind of start would I be giving our child (if I can conceive) ?

It is not  good enough.

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I’m trying to get my career back.

Since I have been focusing on the wedding, I have stepped away from volunteering and I feel a great loss in my life.

Volunteering and training in various courses was my career and still will be until I can get FULL  TIME work to pay the bills and maybe even take a holiday.

My previous pregnancy was a disaster because of the place I was in at that time.

I am utterly terrified of my body changing again, I’m afraid I won’t get an easy labour now I know how it all works and feels.

So do we wait a few years?

I’m less likely to conceive as each cycle goes by.

We want to move to  better place. A place we will be happier.

There are no chances of any accidents.

I am responsible and have the Non hormonal IUD fitted in me.

There are so many quotes about trusting your heart and not your mind. I yearn for another child. I want the chance to be excited and be a life  giver with a whole new outlook this time.

Time is working against me. I wouldn’t worry  so much if I was in my 20’s.

I looked up 50 great reasons to get pregnant. There are some gems in there. I never felt my Bella Bee move as she was snuggled behind my placenta.

How shallow does this sound.

I want another girl.

I don’t know what is up with me. I should be happy I have a family already.

I am.

I am scared of  having regrets too.

I am scared that I have a limited chance of conceiving again.

I am terrified of losing what I have (including control of my body)

I am angry that I worry about my body when the bigger picture is the miracle of life.

So I should know better.

I don’t want to go down the IVF route.

I’m not to posh to push ( gas and air will do)

I don’t even want to carry on with this post because I get so emotional.

I’ve never been great at planning. Impulse has always been my default mode.

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TEMPORARY FEAR MELTDOWN

 

 

THESE ARE ALL  THE  THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I HAD RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND YESTERDAY.

Today, I am not magically fixed.

I may look like I have my shit together and most days I do.

I am also a human  being who has thoughts and emotions just like everybody else.

I just  choose not to hide the fact that I have bad days.

Why should I?

 I am not saying it is easy to shift Depression and Anxiety. It isn’t.

Finding  Good coping skills  and using them are the key to helping  you manage yourself .

  • It takes time to find healthier coping skills. 

  • New Coping Strategies take practice

  • Be kind to yourself.

  • Remember, whatever coping skills you are using now, you have probably used them for a long time.

  • It will take time to gain confidence in using other coping skills.

  • There is no time limit on change- it is constant.

  • Be easy on yourself but try and find the balance to challenge yourself too. 

  • Know where to access help 

  • Ask for help

  • Establish and use a support network .

  •  Consider making a some kind of contingency plan like WRAP

No Regrets

Hey flowers,

Please if you will -take the time to read this post or any  Blog posts raising awareness  about mental health. May is Mental Health Awareness month.

We all have Mental health – it can become good and Bad and does change -all the time.Illness  does not discriminate  when it comes to our Mental Health or our Physical health.

I don’t know about our soul.

I only can pray that it leaves our soul alone.

If for whatever reason it does affect our soul then we all have a duty to become  a unified spirit to fight stigma and raise awareness for the souls troubled by the many maladies ready to lock jaw our loved ones.

It was Hectic day yesterday. I went to visit my Gran (as I usually do) and I found her sat in her chair screaming at something or someone. When I walked closer to her and checked around the bend to see who she was so angry and frightened at , there was nobody there!

I went up to her and went to say hello and comfort her. Her eyes shimmered. Possibly happy to see a human with her. I don’t know. I don’t think she recognised that I was her grandchild. She may have just been happy to see a familiar face?

I started talking and she saw my engagement ring. This is a ring that has been passed down from her now deceased mother. She gave it to my Mom. When me and G got engaged, Mom   gave it to me. She was there when he proposed!

She started trying to get it off my finger and then he went to hit me.

I wasn’t afraid.

I was shocked.

My Ma reckons I took it too personally. I didn’t.

People say she is not who she was and her mind is not there but she is still here in her body and just because  she presents herself as a person  not here nor there.

I know she is living somewhere in the past or present at an almost hallucinogenic frequency.

No she can’t talk but she knows – on some level that ring was her mothers and she for whatever reason – did not like me wearing it or it conjured some memory of it.

I don’t know.

We play music – it sometimes help –

sometimes it doesn’t.

I sing this to her a lot.    She loved this song and always laughed when I sang it to her.  Here is the English translation

Chocolates and sweet things seem to be the only thing that make her happy.

Which is fine for me!

Her wonderful, named carer is on holiday for a few days and I found her not cared  for or like she usually is.

I know she makes a mess of her clothes with food but yesterday she appeared to me to be   filthy . Her eyes were full of green gunk.

She was tired,

Aggravated.

She smelt obnoxious.

I never smell anything bad when I go and visit my Gran. Mom and I discussed it. She may have a urine infection and that may be why she smells and  is more disorientated than usual.

5 weeks to go to the wedding. Ma is convinced my Gran will be there for the ceremony. I want this,of course , then, I also know that to keep her quiet, her carer, will be feeding her sweets.

I suppose they do that at the care home but it sounds so harsh – so selfish. Doesn’t it?

Ma wants her God to take her. I understand why but what about when she is gone?

We will never see her again. Never see even a faint glimpse of her smile

I will never see this face again -feel her hands.

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I know I have my photographs and my videos. My mind was fucked up when I got home yesterday.

Another  Daisy rant but it is mental health awareness month and it is Dementia awareness week from 16- 21 May 2016 in the U.K.

Check out what is going on and what you can do  HERE

This is what is happening in my local community.

Dementia Awareness Week – Soul Journey with Verd de gris

To coincide with Dementia Awareness Week verd de gris in conjunction with Calderdale Libraries will be screening their beautiful film ‘Soul Journey’ at venues across the borough all week, including Halifax Central, King Cross, Hebden Bridge and Todmorden Libraries.

The film explores some of the myths that build up around dementia and weaves together spoken word, moving images and an original score to capture some of the beauty and dignity of the people taking part – and to celebrate the extraordinary richness of the landscape that means so much to them.

If you want to take part in the creative sessions contact jeff.vdg@btinternet.com for more information

https://halifaxnorthandeast.com/2016/05/13/dementia-awareness-week-soul-journey-with-verd-de-gris/

I recently became part of a Face book support group-DEMENTIA AWARE U.K.  and they are a great bunch of people. It helps to hear other peoples thoughts and what  is going on for them and their loved ones.

If you use FB  or other social media websites you can search in the FaceBook search bar for groups to join , wherever you are in the world.

Some lovely individual shared this poem with me.

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THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS.