Why did I eat that ?
Any cat will know I’m gonna scream bloody hell I’m so fat.
If only I meant it like I’m cool dealing with a belly
extended like a starved, fledgling Biafran
Doesn’t mean I’m happy when the scales groan
-too much mass.
Why did I eat that?
inhaled beans, and camembert cheese , tuna and pees
Hard core, non divergent, box ticking Anorexic.
I can’t throw up. I can’t use laxatives.
I sit with my new found rolls.
not cute .
Eating disorder you smutty little tease.
Why did I eat that?
Mushrooms to grow?
Or shrink my stomach to give off a sexy new glow ?
Only so much fungi I can mitigate when I’ve had an oral mastication blow.
This is not a pleasurable job.
Hands cover my eyes. No mirrors must ever let me know.
Why did I eat that ?
A memoir to torment my self – 30 tablets a day – neck it down
Sit on the psychiatrist couch.
How about we lose the meds, you give me the cure
I can show off a palatable pageant, non dentistry crown.
Why did I eat that?
I need energy, Cant go places without any juice
This ole devil gives me every sodamastic excuse.
I’m feeling not quite right in the head.
I’m determined to live out the next 30 years living free of Bio-Pyscho-Social, self punishment misuse.
*Things/thoughts society urge people not to talk about or write about*
If you believe everything you read then I should have gone into the media business.
thanks for this. Meg is highly artistic and creative lady who only sees a hint of her talents.
She is a friend and the reason I’m writing this post.
song inserted to listen/lyrics at end of post (optional) – It all ties up at the end……
DISSIDENT DAISY THOUGHTS
How to know if you are not a weakling sap?
You do everything wrong.
starve yourself, stay in bed, pretend everything is okay, hoover crap up your nose, watch and wait for your grandma struggle with death for 3 days.
Forget about what makes you well and happy.
Fallout with everyone you would die for
Think you have ignored your daughter’s needs and are dismal parent
then, still say
I’m sorting out my priorities.
H20 AND O2 🙂
moment by moment
I tumbled a fair way -off the waggon wheel.
This is not just about drugs – in fact, drugs are probably the only dysfunctional part of me that looks so horrific and doomed because it is so visceral.
People can’t see my other issues.
Okay, maybe a bit of weight loss- not so shocking that people turn around and gawp. I cover it up well.
I slipped off the waggon – mentally and physically many months before I decided to reach out for coke.
Point is, I did a three-week drug binge – hated every moment of it.
It took the announcement of my Gran being given the short straw of life to stop fucking about.
She may or may not be in heaven. I hope she is.
This may or may not be a piece of fiction. I hope it is.
Research for my EMA? ( one of my characters is addicted to drugs and is homeless)
well, he was when I last looked at the script back in November…..
I told the supplier not to supply me. He respectively hasn’t and I respectively haven’t had the desire to ask.
I don’t like the way drugs or alcohol make me feel or act. I don’t like how denying myself food I like and love makes me feel.
I don’t like what the symptoms of my issues does to my personality, how I behave when caught up in it.
People slip everyday.
How many accident claim adverts have you seen lately?
Slip up, is what meant. 😉
Most people don’t talk about it.
What have I got to lose?
I have everything to gain.
War is peace
Truth is Freedom……….
Ignorance is strength ?
ha! got you
George Orwell is a pseudonym 😀
bloggers who know the real me – bloggers like Meg.
People in my real life may read this and go………………
I’m not telepathic and I never ever want to be.
I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, WHAT YOU THINK. EXCEPT TO THE ONES, I SPEAK TO BUT I ONLY SPEAK TO PEOPLE WHO GET ME. ( maybe that would sound better in a ghetto lingo)
I’m on the mend. I still have issues – just cos I’m not hoovering shit up my nose doesn’t mean I’m 100% healed.
What about your business Daisy?
Business is growing.
How did you support your habit?
I rented out my body …
(FACT OR FICTION )
does it matter?
I have a personal account and a company business that is separate and I have another issue where what I would spend on food gives me overflow money to spend on prostitutes, porn, dunking doughnuts, Cider, cars, gambling, clothes, shoes, drugs – illegal and legal self-medicating.
Yes, love a bit of Erotica – Anais Nin 😉
The point is the waggon is not electric and it is in sight. I’m running alongside it.
What about your Master’s degree, Daisy?
Doing it. On track. One more scipt to write and year one down.
I can tell you -100% truth that having mental health issues and reverting to my default coping mechanism has done NADA for my creativity.
Me being me and writing from my heart and keeping my head just about screwed on is why I have managed to come out of this with flowers blooming out my ass.
Bit of a rant…
for the tag.
I TAG (optional)
I LOVE A CHALLENGE.
I LOVE MUSIC.
Combine the two together and I have put myself up for a HEALTHY CHALLENGE.
It’s going to be a busy couple of weeks sorting out the funeral with my Ma.
I need to help others to dig myself out of my own shit storm.
I’m committing myself to this challenge because I can.
A song I currently love is this
It gives me hope that the youth of today are thinking like this young lady.
My quiet observations on the bus city people lost trust
Maudley’s out patients are shouting with the pavements
They looking rough can’t get to grips so they end up looking worse than shit
Maybe if I can see who there talking too I might talk to them to so they can prove
The spirit never lies but before I get to try the clouds open up and let god cry
Why is this white lady nervous cause 3 black youths come on so she checking were her purse is
Make me feel nervous like they ain’t my country like they don’t really want me
But mummy always love me I never had a daddy it was me and my mummy
Mummy was my daddy I can either cry or see it as funny
How you can have a child and then just leave
Now I’m walking around with my heart on my sleeve cause I’m effected anytime anybody leave
You can see my scars and hear my silent screams
I been reading books to analyse my dreams and to me it seems
The only chance we get to make sense of it is when we put our heads down a little bit
That’s why I’m spitting it cause each one teach one and you can take it how you want don
Right now I got a lot of work to do
I gotta smooth out my edges
Eat more veges
Listen to my elders
Vibe with my peers
Confront my fears and
Finish this album
Right now I got a lot of work to do
I gotta represent the youth
Speak more truth
Eat more fruit
Get wise with my years
Confront my fears and
Finish this album
But it seems I get side tracked it’s like a mind trap I get a call real late bout were the foods at
Cause certain man a certain place got certain food to taste so my Nikes are laced
And I was never really one to stay awake through a working day for them little bit pay yo
This nine to five is just killing me slowly but quitting is for quitters so I wait until they fire me
But now no one will hire me cause I got more lies in my CV than a pro’s had STD’s
When will they see I was born to reign entrapment is my pain I need to feel alive again
I need a man that compliments my style overstand I’m this way until I die
Has ambitions of his own so ovastand i don’t wanna be alone I just need a little time in my zone
This one goes out to my shotters in the alleys were all brothers and sisters were all family
All my sisters trying to raise there babies all the youth man with court cases crazy
It’s like the smarter you are the bigger your worries stupid people are lucky trust me
This one goes out to my people with ambition I’m still learning I’m still trying but for now
Honesty is courage and since I got the heart of a lion then there’s no sense in lying
I portray my life over violins no matter what it brings least I’m being real
When I look at my future I fear failure I fear the fact that you might not like me
I know I’m skilled but just maybe slightly what if my light don’t shine so brightly
I’m scared of that I’m telling you the truth I’m scared of that
What if the doctor said you couldn’t have children
What if the system they tried to topple what I’m billing better living for all my ghetto children
And I don’t mean were you live I mean your state of mind
Cause ghettos not just a place ghetto is a vibe
And I don’t need no boastie words or complicated flows
If I know what I gotta do then I flow
But sometimes I get tired sometimes I lose faith I guess that’s the reason that we got to church
Cause when you at the bottom of the barrel it hurts need something to believe in and God works You think spiritual is just hocus pocus what you really saying is you have not noticed
Inside us all is a silent protest you can acknowledge or ignore but me
SPEECH DEBELLE – FINISH THIS ALBUM
why have thou forsaken me?
The only God I ever thought could fulfil and denounce all insipidity.
Creativity- my muse. usually, I type -words flow not perfect but in some sense of verse.
Can’t swallow – I’ve been cursed.
Another person knows the truth – think I want to go back up the birth canal first
over thinking rhyming words – music, hoovers, the energy is far from an ideal haven.
Look above, hear the wings flap – a freak migration of the black wings – inaugurate the raven.
All exercise comes from my smile – I’ve packed on the pounds frowning lines overused, flex around my mouth.
flex around my mouth.
Drop dead. A blow to the head. I’ve lost it. Muse? ditched me to become a stitched up cowboy down south.
Swallow guilt in packs of threes.
Music to my ears -guilt shake me, blood seeps out -donation date in arrears.
doubtful mind -caution mindfully what you attempt to incite.
Confederate vocabulary union matched up on a strike
No more smiling faces in sight.
Each word resigns – there is nothing left to type.
No tears pouring down his face. There is no moisture to wipe.
Studpity rots the brain
no more stories when a writer runs out of grain.
Shadows – I cower away . Shadows induce carbon monoxide attack
Clamp down on every thought – seize all my gear-leave me with not one solid fact in tack.
the writer who dunnit
Bang Bang, I’m going to shoot you dead!
Electric convulsive shocks creating heightened velocity in her head.
Trigger words of mothers who have died, snowed, under morphine.
Malignant lungs charcoaled.
The death rattle – gargles and fills up the lungs ready to drown every last Mercedes Benz dream.
Bang Bang – a Prayer sent up to her envisioned maker with every bad lead thought that scatters across her mind.
Know psalms off by heart. Guy Fawkes terrorism paid for this public bonfire – doesn’t make it right -doesn’t make it an act of kind.
Chug a glass of spirited potatoes – grapes squish out the thoughts that stain thy window.
Moderation is not what she seeks, she merely wants to come to terms with her grief.
Such a sudden blow.
Patriarchs invades her self-made sanctuary – no amount of sage can expel the plague he carries.
Itching, biting, scabbed. riddled with disease.
Blackened limbs fall off – ebony hearted-trickster – outlawed even the one he marries.
Therapy Cluedo in the south of France, – sewn up mouths and eyes , compassionless – flesh hanging – bubbled , leathered and well worn.
Every day he promises he will leave. He promises he will come visit his own mother – She can’t speak or talk – she is one of the frail old born.
Forlorn- A bus goes by – Sunshades hide the tears pouring out of her eyes.
Waving off a friend she once knew – she may be safe under lock and key – it doesn’t make her feel better when they embrace with such passion, it could stoke a field of fires.
Brazen- bewildered – lice infestation and puffed up Eskimo mess – Look at this fragmented shell , she is in need of just one caress.
Consumed with guilt – that is not hers to own. It is the cat’s fault your home is a shambles and smells of piss , whispers biased loose lips, fresh off a scandelous printing press.
Chased out of her very -own home – headphones firmly planted in her ears to make her life monotone .
A spectrum of color and vivaciousness she has lost- who can silence the screams pouring out of her mouth in tones of monochrome?
Safeguard her from inbred exploitation – cast back this tokoloshe to his own devised theater of purgatory.
If Jesus wept – he didn’t do enough- a lake full of holy water can never anoint his aimless trajectory.
Justice is who she sides with ,in every battle – Ready for an outbreak of war – she will evict Denial from her friend’s abode.
No more dossing about and ejaculating scandalous words – lies -that make justice’s head spin around so fast. Run Tyrant -she is about to explode.
Remember, what a scrupulous enemy she can make out of you.
Manipulation test- she scored well above average – The school of the gifted bestowed her with the largest milked cash cow taken from mother nature’s personal reservoir of dew.
She knows the rules, she knows the moves- instinct and empathy are her winning tools.
She cares not for his sexist Judgment increasing multiples of spore bacteria – frozen in barricaded transparent igloos .
All it takes is one breath of hers to melt him into a little boy blue. crying profusely until he is nothing but another muddled puddle in the tarmac.
A careless afterthought only remembered if one is quick enough to look at the sole of the innocent’s shoes.
* inspired by my own personal feelings towards something I have witnessed in silence for far too long. My fuse grows shorter*
MY WRAP FACILLIATOR TRAINING STARTS SOON, SO EXPECT SEPTEMBER POSTS TO BE FULL OF NEW WAYS OF IMPROVING THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE.
ALL FOR FREE.
THE ONLY CURRENCY REQUIRED IS COMMITMENT
I have been quiet on the WRAP front – wellness recovery action plan . Only for the reason I knew this testimonial video would be available for YOU and others who want to take their life in their hands and have a plan for if it all goes down the toilet. Eeeugh!
Anyway here it is. I think it will have more of a powerful effect on those of you who do decide to watch it. Instead of me waffling about it over 12 weeks on camera. If you want to to do WRAP and are not in a physical place close to where I live. You can still do it via my WRAP page. No costs – for free. Or you can go to the founder of Mary Ellan Copeland and pay for the various material (if it is not free) that can be…
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