and so, they lived…

Life update

I’ve finally received my results for my 1st year, doing my Masters, in Creative writing.

Drum rolls.

PASS-with merit. I officially can use more random letters after my name — ha ha!

I  am now  in possession of a post graduate certificate in the Arts and Humanities!

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Wow! Amazing.

How’s this going to help me with what I want do?

I have a dream.

I do. 😀

One of my goals is to move back to France. They love people with diplomas. I hope to get a well paid job there. I need to book a trip to The French embassy later on this year. My husband has decided he is going to take on my surname and become a French national.  He’s English!

He’s not only English, he is  Northern, from  West Yorkshire.

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I need to register my Bella Bee as a French national because even though she is more English than I am. Born here.  English Dad and roots. The British government  will not give her a British  passport because I was ordered by her majesty’s court to  register her Fathers name on her birth certificate and now they won’t give her one!

Beauracratic nightmare.

I feel so uneasy about my family not having a passport. My entire life, It was drummed into me to always have my passport (in date)in case, we moved countries.

Which we did- a lot!

Moving on . ( pun unintentionally intended  :D)

What’s  happening in my life?

Loads of shit- ha ha! as usual.

I’m doing better –  I keep making a come back.  Oh, life – you little tease!

Dare me to live.

 Dare me to succeed!

Challenge accepted.

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Daisy’s mental health 

Yeah, it’s been.

up and down,

down ,

down ,

down –

up again ,

very up –

insanely manic,

toxic,

low,

not quite sure

,emotional ,

aargh why did that and that and that and ..

did I do that?

Those kind of moments, really.

 

Surely someone can relate?

Not happy about a medication increase in my anti depressant.

I don’t of any person who is on  (high/ highest legal doses) of

Two antidepressants

Two anti psychotics

Two anti anxiety tablets,

and sleeping medication.

I know  my health posse want the best for me.

I don’t bullshit them.

I tell if I’ve been using shit coping mechanisms, good ones. Thoughts ,feelings…

I made my psychiatrist laugh.

Go me!

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HE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THIS 😉

He offered me psychology therapy — again .

I was like:

‘Look Dr J, seriously every time I sign up to a pyschologist , they leave!’

 All my psychologists have left me half way through  doing whatever new pycho babble, current trend treatment , is used, to deal with folk such as myself.

One dude, fell asleep in a couple of our sessions.

So, I was like

‘ Listen, I know how to use CBT/DBT, I know how to communicate and talk. I know what keeps me well . I just want a cure’

Another laugh escapes from Dr J.

He is a legend.

A legend ? yes, but not a wizard 😦

He totally gets me and I feel I have a choice in medication changes etc..

I’ve asked to come off one of my meds because I don’t see the point of being on it. It hasn’t helped me.

These meds have affected my memory. I’m terrified of getting Dementia. I’ve been on (legal) tablets since I was 13/14 and I’ve never been off medication.

Never!

Talking about memory.

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I’m using my creative outlets to start getting into the open mic poetry scene .

I love performing but my memory is really rubbish. I’m going to brave it by doing more live poetry next week. I’m excited. Nervous.  It’s all good.

I have my final year of my MA to keep me — super  occupied.  There is a lot of work to do. For part of my thesis ( check me out)

I’m thinking of using my blog to interview creative folk who live in my community to talk about, their work,  (durr!)  Creativity and their mental health. My photographer mate is on board to take pictures. Some people have shown interest — yeah!

My heads occupied which is good.

Fab!

Awesome!

How will doing this  help me with my thesis and final work?

Well, I am going to use this year of discovery and research on the link between mental health and creativity as an alternative form of therapy to cope with life’s unpredictable moments.

Then I  will have loads of inspiration to write a film script (120 minutes) on a character ,who , is thrown back into society after a long stint in mental /prison  institutions , and who is looking to find him/herself  and another way of being  and expressing him/herself  positively, in society.

The opening scene will kind of look like this

I have an ending – (a bit abstract at the moment) – saying there words:

‘I look around for the first time with clarity. And see I’m exactly where I need to be. Around the misfits. The beautiful misfits just like me.’

DAISY’S UN NAMED CHARACTER 

It’s all early days and I still have  4 scripts to write, a critique and a character  analysis on a famous playwright to do before the final chapter.

All in all. I’m alive, optimistic-ish, full of emotion, drive, passion , a pain in the ass but just doing my thing. 

All terribly boring really… 😀 

So, I am back!

I can’t commit daily to blogging but I have joined a group on Facebook.  

Shout out to Gary @ fiction is food  for adding me.

It’s a website for us!

BIG UP YOUR BLOG!

Bloggers.

 I’m  a newbie, its good be around other bloggers again. I’m hoping it will keep me  off Facebook and keep me connecting with people like yourself. People who use their time more productively. Doh, oh the irony.

One rant before I go :   I wish people would stop leaving public posts about my appearance on my Facebook.

If you ever happen to read this

I know you are having a shit time dealing with your own weight issues. I’m well aware of mine. Please take a look at yourself. Look after yourself first. If you don’t – FUCK OFF! 

 

That is a wrap.  I know. Hilarious! ha ha!

Thank you so much for reading

Time to step out and live real life..

Catch up soon!

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What’s everyone else doing with life?  Blogging?

I’m genuinely curious to know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talking head challenged a stroke

*Things/thoughts society urge people not to talk about or write about*

If you believe everything you read then I should have gone into the media business.

 Meg!

 thanks for this.  Meg is highly artistic and creative lady who only sees a hint of her talents.

She is a friend and the reason I’m writing this post.

song inserted to listen/lyrics at end of post  (optional) – It all ties up at the end……

 

DISSIDENT DAISY THOUGHTS

How to know if you are not a weakling sap?

You do everything wrong.

starve yourself, stay in bed, pretend everything is okay, hoover crap up your nose, watch and wait for your grandma struggle with death for 3 days.

Forget about what makes you well and happy.

Fallout with everyone you would die for

Think you have ignored your daughter’s needs  and are dismal parent

then, still say

N0.

I’m sorting out my priorities.

H20 AND O2  🙂

moment by moment

I tumbled a fair way -off the waggon wheel.

This is not just about drugs – in fact, drugs are probably the only dysfunctional part of me that looks so horrific and doomed because it is so visceral.

People can’t see my other issues.

Okay, maybe a bit of weight loss- not so shocking that people turn around and gawp. I cover it up well.

I slipped off the waggon – mentally and physically many months before I decided to reach out for coke.

Point is, I did a three-week drug binge – hated every moment of it.

It took the announcement of my Gran being given the short straw of life to stop fucking about.

She may or may not be in heaven. I hope she is.

This may or may not be a piece of fiction.  I hope it is.

Research for my EMA?   ( one of my characters is addicted to drugs and is homeless)

well, he was when I last looked at the script back in November…..

I told the supplier not to supply me. He respectively hasn’t and I respectively haven’t had the desire to ask.

I  don’t like the way drugs or alcohol make me feel or act. I don’t like how denying myself food I like and love makes me feel.

I don’t like what the symptoms of my issues does to my personality, how I behave when caught up in it.

People slip everyday.

How many accident claim adverts have you seen lately?

Slip up, is what meant. 😉

Most people don’t talk about it.

What have I got to lose?

I have everything to gain.

My integrity.

War is peace

Truth is Freedom……….

Ignorance is strength ? 

ha! got you 

George Orwell is a pseudonym  😀 

My family…….

bloggers who know the real me – bloggers like Meg.

People in my real life may read this and go………………

I’m not telepathic and I never ever want to be.

I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, WHAT YOU THINK. EXCEPT TO THE ONES, I SPEAK TO BUT I ONLY SPEAK TO PEOPLE WHO GET ME.  ( maybe that would sound better in a ghetto lingo)

I’m on the mend. I still have issues – just cos I’m not hoovering shit up my nose doesn’t mean I’m  100% healed.

What about your business Daisy?

Business is growing.

How did you support your habit?

I rented out my body …

(FACT OR FICTION )

does it matter?

I have a personal account and a company business that is separate and I have another issue where what I would spend on food gives me overflow money to spend on prostitutes, porn, dunking doughnuts, Cider, cars, gambling, clothes, shoes,  drugs – illegal and legal self-medicating.

Yes, love a bit of Erotica   – Anais Nin 😉

 

The point is the waggon is not electric and it is in sight. I’m running alongside it.

What about your Master’s degree, Daisy?

Doing it. On track.  One more scipt to write and year one down.

I can tell you -100% truth that having mental health issues and reverting to my default coping mechanism has done NADA for my creativity.

Me being me and writing from my heart and keeping my head just about screwed on is why I have managed to come out of this with flowers blooming out my ass.

I digress.

Bit of a rant…

Thank you,

Meg

for the tag.

I TAG (optional)

BROOKE @ THE UTOPIA UNIVERSE

CHARLIE@ CHARLIE ZERO THE POET

I LOVE A CHALLENGE.

I LOVE MUSIC.

Combine the two together and I have put myself up for a HEALTHY CHALLENGE.

It’s going to be a busy couple of weeks sorting out the funeral with my Ma.

I need to help others to dig myself out of my own shit storm.

I’m committing myself to this challenge because I can.

A song I currently love is this

It gives me hope that the youth of today are thinking like this young lady.

Enjoy…..

 

[Verse 1]
My quiet observations on the bus city people lost trust
Maudley’s out patients are shouting with the pavements
They looking rough can’t get to grips so they end up looking worse than shit
Maybe if I can see who there talking too I might talk to them to so they can prove
The spirit never lies but before I get to try the clouds open up and let god cry
Why is this white lady nervous cause 3 black youths come on so she checking were her purse is
Make me feel nervous like they ain’t my country like they don’t really want me
But mummy always love me I never had a daddy it was me and my mummy
Mummy was my daddy I can either cry or see it as funny
How you can have a child and then just leave
Now I’m walking around with my heart on my sleeve cause I’m effected anytime anybody leave
You can see my scars and hear my silent screams
I been reading books to analyse my dreams and to me it seems
The only chance we get to make sense of it is when we put our heads down a little bit
That’s why I’m spitting it cause each one teach one and you can take it how you want don

[Hook]
Right now I got a lot of work to do
I gotta smooth out my edges
Eat more veges
Listen to my elders
Vibe with my peers
Confront my fears and
Finish this album
Right now I got a lot of work to do
I gotta represent the youth
Speak more truth
Eat more fruit
Get wise with my years
Confront my fears and
Finish this album

[Verse 2]
But it seems I get side tracked it’s like a mind trap I get a call real late bout were the foods at
Cause certain man a certain place got certain food to taste so my Nikes are laced
And I was never really one to stay awake through a working day for them little bit pay yo
This nine to five is just killing me slowly but quitting is for quitters so I wait until they fire me
But now no one will hire me cause I got more lies in my CV than a pro’s had STD’s
When will they see I was born to reign entrapment is my pain I need to feel alive again
I need a man that compliments my style overstand I’m this way until I die
Has ambitions of his own so ovastand i don’t wanna be alone I just need a little time in my zone
This one goes out to my shotters in the alleys were all brothers and sisters were all family
All my sisters trying to raise there babies all the youth man with court cases crazy
It’s like the smarter you are the bigger your worries stupid people are lucky trust me
This one goes out to my people with ambition I’m still learning I’m still trying but for now

[Hook]

[Verse 3]
Honesty is courage and since I got the heart of a lion then there’s no sense in lying
I portray my life over violins no matter what it brings least I’m being real
When I look at my future I fear failure I fear the fact that you might not like me
I know I’m skilled but just maybe slightly what if my light don’t shine so brightly
I’m scared of that I’m telling you the truth I’m scared of that
What if the doctor said you couldn’t have children
What if the system they tried to topple what I’m billing better living for all my ghetto children
And I don’t mean were you live I mean your state of mind
Cause ghettos not just a place ghetto is a vibe
And I don’t need no boastie words or complicated flows
If I know what I gotta do then I flow
But sometimes I get tired sometimes I lose faith I guess that’s the reason that we got to church
Cause when you at the bottom of the barrel it hurts need something to believe in and God works You think spiritual is just hocus pocus what you really saying is you have not noticed
Inside us all is a silent protest you can acknowledge or ignore but me

SPEECH DEBELLE – FINISH THIS ALBUM

ANAIS NIN IMAGE CREDIT

Always look up

Hola!

‘Always look up wherever you go – those who walk with there eyes to the floor miss out on so much of life’ 

DAISY XOXO

DAISY GOES INTO BUSINESS:

What a palaver!

I spent weeks working on trying to figure out a way to sell my products on a free WordPress template.

A lovely friend of mine suggested – Wix and e -commerce.

I was in entrepreneur, creative business utopia until I had to learn the system …

It’s been challenging. It is still a challenge but I am seeing progress and, I am getting so excited for when we finally go live.

 

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SMALL MOTIVATIONAL REMINDERS 

 

DAISY DOES HER MASTERS:

If you have followed my previous posts on from the start of doing my MA,  you will know it has been an ocean of tidal waves and tsunamis and, high tides and low tides.

These still waters of mine run deep.

My First TMA (tutor marked assignment)   Act one of a stage script about a homeless couple received a CLEAR PASS  of 62%

There were tears, miscommunication, fall outs, despair and I lost confidence in my writing abilities.

TMA 2 ( my second genre -Fiction writing)  I wrote a supernatural piece about a girl who (accidently) commits suicide.

Lat night, my tutor emailed me to say she was having an issue submitting my marks via the online system and she didn’t want me to start worrying, so, she copy and pasted all the feedback and my mark into an email.

She gave me useful and extensive advice on what I propose to write for my EMA ( end of module assignment due in May 2017)

The second act to the homeless couple script.

Eeeeek! 

I do feel more supported, understood, challenged and more confident in achieving what I want to do with my writing for this piece.

Oh, the results for my TMA 2

82%   a HIGH MERIT.

I’m back to the marks I was getting when I was doing my final year of my BA in the Art and humanities.

I need to keep this momentum going. I don’t want to find myself under merit territory again.

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I invest a lot of time in people and the things and causes I dedicate my time to.

 

DAISY DOES VOLUNTEERING:

One thing I have had to put on the back burner is helping to  co-facilitate 12 weeks of WRAP (wellness recovery action plan self-management program) with the EIP   ( early intervention prevention ) team for people diagnosed with at least one episode a psychotic episode

I’m gutted. There were many issues that led me to distance myself from this.

Two being:

Issues of funding and logistics.

I enjoyed meeting up the people I was going to work with. I loved their energy and enthusiasm.

A lot was promised and then not delivered.

 I felt the need to email my colleagues and tell them what I thought about how the course was put together- I was my usual blunt self and not very diplomatic.  Ooops…

I feel that if the NHS ( national health system) in the U.K. expects results from a new therapy or a new way of self-help/lifestyle and illness management program, then scrimping on pounds is not helping promote or inspire that WRAP works.

In the long term WRAP  (run properly) will most likely save the NHS money.

As far as I’m aware- nobody knows what is going on with this current  WRAP workshop. I haven’t fallen out with anyone. I can’t give all my energy into something if everyone doesn’t  have the same vision.

For me, it needs more planning and preparation and I’m not going to be that person who just turns up to volunteer at a workshop to go –

‘Oh look at me, I’m making a difference’ – when I know, in my heart, the results this particular workshop can have on people’s lives if  it is implemented properly.

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I’m currently putting my energy into other charities I work with to see how I can help them.

DAISY GOES TO HER FIRST SESSION AT THE  ACTING PROGRAMME WORKSHOP :

I wasn’t nervous until I got to the place. I arrived early. It was bitterly cold and I hate the cold.

It turned out to be incredible.

We did a few  Actor warm up activities such as being aware of filling the space and being aware of other Actors around us.

We did some improvisation and using our body exercises to convey emotion.  Loads of fun!

What a lovely bunch of people. I am definitely going to the next session next week. We all seem to have common goals and everyone is so unique and interesting.

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UNEXPECTED SURPRISE ALERT:

There is a possibility we may (or may not) put together a little something to perform to students at the university after the 8 weeks.  How awesome is that?

I do try and keep up with you all on here. It has been difficult but the more knowledge and confidence I gain in the above  areas of my life – the more time I will  get to have fun- one being reading blogs and blogging random stuff

DAISY LIFE UPDATE:

 It was my husbands birthday on Valentine’s day. We have a sleigh bed!

hi ho!  hi ho! it’s off to bed I go – ha ha! It’s massive – king size!

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After the mid-term school holidays in February, my Bella – my daughter will be joining Year one ( she is in reception at the moment)  for her reading and writing class.

She has two mates with her who are excelling just like her and she is a bit of a whizz kid at Maths.

DAISY’S MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE:

Long story short. Pushing other people’s buttons to get an honest answer has been difficult -emotionally- to sit with – without trying to avoid the emotions by self-medicating.

I’ve been angry at myself for nearly destroying the best thing  I have in my life- my family – because, I believed ( with help) that someone cared more about me than they actually did.I put a lot of my energy into helping a person when they had a meltdown last year. It all got thrown back in my face.

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I finally know the truth. That is all I ever wanted. Now, it’s time to let sleeping dogs lie.

That’s it – all very boring but it’s all happening

Physically. I’m eating better and I have more energy. I haven’t lost weight which is something that terrifies me equally as putting on weight does.

 

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Sensibilise

Did I miss something?

I know people talk about having the blues, the Monday blues and motherhood blues but there is a day assigned to recognize,

Blue Monday!

Who came up with the concept to celebrate a day of woe?

My thoughts: people who want to capitalize on our misery. 

Pharmaceutical companies, people trying to sell us comfort kits or whatever.

I get the whole statistic thing, that it’s the third week in January and financially big organizations and businesses are feeling –  mainly pennies no freshly printed notes.

Can, I just put out it on here -that Monday has been the best day of the week for me, out of all the Monday’s in January.

Why?

I didn’t focus on my money situation, or if people liked me or if I was anxious. What made my Monday bluesy – Jazzy – full of a spectrum of emotions:

is seeing my Grandma.

Yes, she still has Dementia, she still is bedridden, in a care home but she is not on death’s bed, not in pain and she has been taken off palliative care.

I made her laugh – more than once- just being me!

I held her hand and I  felt a bit sad, nostalgic,  thinking I should do more.

Wondered about certain people I LOVE  who I only get to experience one dimensionally.  They are not here anymore.

Monday was blue and pink and yellow and it was a Fun day – it was ONE day of my life.

It wasn’t the saddest day of my life or the happiest.

I love the color Blue. Don’t dress it up and mark as a negative.

We are capable of feeling.

Yes, feeling and responding to others.

We are capable of making connections with others because we can feel and empathize.

What a gift!

Pain, feels like Niagara falls coming down on me. I love watching it. I’m in awe of its power. I don’t like feeling it. It does transform me and is a natural part of me.

Just like being happy is, angry, comical, loud, quiet, bossy, friendly, energetic, sloth-like.

I’m not into blue Monday.

When I feel the blues I listen to the blues.

This song (when it first came out) caused people around the world to commit suicide.

I find strength in this song. People have looked at me and thought ‘she must be deranged’ to find any beauty and comfort in this song,

I do.

I don’t feel driven to kill myself when I hear it.

I feel less alone. I feel like I’m not only one who has shit days.

Smurfs aren’t sad?  or is it the magic potion they drink that gets them all bouncy and energetic?

I don’t know.

I do know people place a lot of expectations on feeling a certain way because there is a day assigned to feeling shitty.

No, thank you, my moods are not controlled by the media and whoever else comes up with these ideas.

I deal with my emotions – every moment, every hour, every second.

I don’t get to leave to my mind.

If I’m feeling alright on a Monday -no one is going to tell me I should feel differently.

Just a thought on this cloudy  Wednesday.

Looking forward to Friday – not because it’s  the weekend. I never stop working!

I’m going to meet up with friends I haven’t seen for 8 years.

 silly poem alert.   

If you feeling the woo of the blues

Take a pint of milk from the cows that cheerfully moos.

Don’t despair – feelings change with random flair

Enjoy the sunshine in your heart, don’t hold up a wall that says beware.

Life is full of ups and downs, smiles and frowns

It’s okay to feel this way. No-ones escaping life with ‘ I faked it better’ crowns.

Remember when you feeling down – you are never alone 

Support is here when we are transparent and make ourselves fully shown.

Ha ha! Lame, I know. I don’t care.

One small rant:

This has been going around the social media websites.

From NHS Director to mental health inpatient in 10 days

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CLICK HERE TO READ HER PERSONAL JOURNEY

 

I’m so happy this person has found the strength to come out and fight against stigma, with the experience of being at the top of the hierarchy in dealing with mental health, and now,  having insight into how it feels to experience severe bad mental health.

By all means, I applaud this woman.

If the title caption had been ‘from  HOSPITAL CLEANER  to mental health inpatient  in 10 days’

what is the difference?

Who is more important?

Both make a significant contribution tothe U.K. health service, do they not ?

Just saying…….

Her Vision of Light

The red army draws a collective breath , whistles it out  in a  howling gust of wind snarling.  She stands tall – her long  tresses raised to the heavens – A subtle message from Hells dwellers:  it was back to attack.

Every month,  they stalk her just as night follows day , full-mooned . Hairy palms and yellow slit eyes – she would rather die of an internal hemorrhage than be demeaned – they see the  blood trickling down her legs. Draw in closer –  metallic scented pack.

Pro-choice in an era where science can make the dead come to life – yet still she must bleed whether she carries life inside her or expels the botanist’s  seed.

Condemn her to a life in pro.  Micheal Jordan had space jam. A notorious – well-received flow. She blushes every time her breasts swells – nature twists in a  smile. Nipples points  straight at the mouths of the hungry -ready for their feed.

To be Anonymous in a WikiLeaks world. Memes, social media information convulsing out  statements of change:

 Did you know?

 Think about how brainwashed – your mind is!

She knows. she still rolls in her own shit.

Unfit for a carry one movie with Benny hill, and the league of justice.

Dead pool eyes.

She knows this world is too abrasive- her skin smooth, her passion unhinged – one straight jacket away from having the whole collection of brand unfit.

‘It’s a happening, baby ‘-throw back to Allan Kaprow.

Everybody is crazy. Everyone has issues.

Everyone stand and link arms at the toll bridge,

show solidarity for your fallen foes.

The ones who fell 20 feet from the building or overdosed on legal high drugs brought from some hoodie called  Jack Wills.

How to be seen and have  her privacy in a cyber bully surveillance world? Charity matters. Throw down your sticks – allow overgrowth to infect  the anti-stigma hedges trimmed neatly in a row .

She screams out in Shrill  – ears sharp enough to raise the dead.

How is it possible no one sees or hears of her ills.

Despicable matters in the eyes of the living dead.   An out or an in.

A place that stirs broth from her blood flow – waits until her insulin levels drop to an all time grave,

so shallow.

Sugar coated words nauseate her.   Her duty to be human and keep her heart on the ticker – inside she knows the hurricane won’t stop swaying the palm trees – until she is torn from her roots-   from below.

Mr Big has an acute perspective of not seeing she is drowning with every weapon she draws.

It doesn’t take a hostage negotiation expert to know that eventually, even the savviest terrorist can be worn down , to drop its   ammunition.

Stockholm!

Place of the cordial juiced up  pedophiles.

Intensive herbal essence  conditioning treatment is their only hope of showing her how to be  free.

A Jesus embellished slice of  toast to honor her first Butter valley communion.

She thinks she is free .

She knows it’s part of her syndrome.

 To admit her state of inferiority to herself  would mean she ‘s dubious about her declaimed existence.

Her mind is her prison. She has the padlock and the pin number. She sits up to 24 hours a day – punching in the password, unlocking the clunk of metal chains – on a loop .

An exercise in futile persistence.

The ending is found in her very beginnings – born out of blood, stained – crying – pulled out with forceps – white coats defined her form from the moment they beat her into breathy  life.

Smiling jokester, broad shoulders -fighting all corners of the globe- her last breath will be when she lets go,

stops giving .

In her state of   cocoon  – expose her true misery to the world – look at her in  her strife!

Don’t worry, folks – blood will flow – you will get your show.

Just know that she put up one hell of a fight

In order to finally see her vision of light.

 

Hope’s unique gravity

I just wanna do my thing.

I don’t wanna hurt nobody or anybody with the way I decide to go.

I’m all heart – Sensitive a subject of the dark arts but in truth, I can’t really stop the blood flow;

coursing through my veins. I don’t need blood clots to interfere with my emotions.

I like to feel.

From time to time, circle crops set up home on my turf – I’d like to say it is an alien probing and feign ignorance, I  can’t deny  the familiar  weight of sentimentality  surgery.

Unforgettably  invasive- it is real.

Paranoid thoughts – tension is all I have set  on my watch dial. I know I have not been Santa’s best girl every time.

Honestly, I do enough good to save me from paying for another crime.

Honest intentions. Soul soft and pure. Warped sense of humor.

Bold, moody, loving ,trusting, overly sensitive cysts congregate into lumps, deciding on the logistics and geometrics, of developing a  cost effective  tumor.

Screams above – Take me – unleash me from the scourge of hell that I find my feet clad in cast  iron.

No one else can cut the chain. Raggle out that last breath.

Breathe life into a place  for the ones who seek redemption in their conceptualized   Zion.

Fighting spirit. Fighting a war. A battle within – Gore – more gore .

I deplore.

I abhor.

Is this really all she has to show for herself  and sell on the haggle market shop floor?

Brecht. Disconnect.

Fayre .Disrepair.

Coquette. Disinfect.

eclair. Declare.

Life takes us down alleys where the shit tide threatens to pass the neckline.

Think quick, Grasshopper – put that cap on backward and move into  a new gear. Time to engage and decline or re-define.

Shattered thoughts. Media social networks taunt.   Pull the plug. I’m  done with the fictitious lives.

Comparisons in a house of distorted mirrors. Insecurity breeds, incubate in these surroundings – glass shatters – contaminating other entities- is how it   thrives.

Worry,

Worry,

about not the friends who are not .

Worry about the ones who  are in ‘yours truly’ life and are what you would call ‘your lot’.

Happiness is not a concept. Dolce and Gabbana shoes heighten the germicidal  sensation of  Dopamine overload syndrome- early onset.

The human touch, the words we use. More lasting splendor than debiting additional  digits from your visa card, in an attempt, to feel less deprived. Wage a bet.

Birthdays are for celebrating –  don’t ignore the day you  not only gasped but grasped your first true breath.

It takes skill to meander through the valleys, hills, low-lying turnstiles, the rabbit holes of seemingly eternal strife.

You have passed by many  costly  troll bridges –  and managed to get away with what is most sacred – your life.

Another day  has passed – look at what you have done not what you have lost.

Focus on your strengths, not your adversaries – no need to subject yourself  to more savage beatings at an unnecessary cost.

No motivation – it’s okay,we all have these moments thinking we have forever lost our precious marbles

Get back on the wheel and break dance – do a wheely – show off that you have emerged from the eye of the storm – scarred but intact .

 Be pleasant,smile  it’s okay you’ve got this .Thank the alert, coast guard marshalls.

Live. Eat. Pray.

or

Give. Beat.Stray.

whatever you do,

always have your say.

 

The other side of Fear.

Top of the morning to  you all!

WOW!

It feels good to be able to type away with no  worrying about any trains or buses or rides to catch.

This weekend I get to catch up on reading your blogs -YAY!

I have missed you all so much. I can’t wait to throw myself into my  Masters.

I always feel  I come across so smug when I say it or type that word but I have worked my ass off to get to this point.

Proper catch up with as many of you as possible this weekend.

For those who know -I DID IT!

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I am now able to officially and skillfully co -facilitate WRAP groups(  wellness recovery action plan program) to help people who have mental and physical issues or have had at one point,to  manage their lives- holistically.

It’s not a therapeutic based program. It’s truly a chance to revolutionize the way we  deal with our health in the current Diagnostic,clinical, prescriptive , doctor is always right  model we use.

erm.. I nearly didn’t do this program because I felt I wasn’t in a good place mentally or physically, however by going back to my own WRAP plan  ,

I remembered a few of my own wellness tools ( things that keep me well) . To share a few:

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  • educating myself

  • putting myself out of my comfort zone ( public speaking alert/thinking on my feet/making myself vulnerable to empower others)

  •  volunteering my time to skill up and be a person who is an active part of my community and who is wanting to share my knowledge/experiences and pass information along with others.

     So, pushing myself by doing the WRAP facilitating mental health  recovery  program,  using the key concepts and ethics to show that  people who experience mental health( good and bad),  with support and  without judgement,  can find new ways of coping with life and their issues that empower and give them back the responsibility for their own mental/physical health.

    If that is what they want.

It is possible. I’ve seen it work over and over again. I work it.

It was heavy going. I was thinking on my feet a lot, not much time to prepare things ,put on the spot, practicing presenting skills, facilitating skills, listening skills.  There is so much I could put down.

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I lost a lot of my self-confidence -3 months ago. On a positive note,by pushing myself and challenging myself to do this program at the next level, it has helped me find my inner confidence again, I’ve started to believe in myself again, I remember how far I have come. The future has  so much in store for me because I choose it to be that way.

I want this to be a really positive post.  I have these lyrics in my head: ‘don’t be negative (negative) just be positive (positive)’

  ha ha! How am I doing?

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 Tbh. I am relieved the training is over. I can now concentrate on my next goal – my MA in creative writing. EEEK!

Then, I can start using extra hours in my Life to  help form a WRAP  community in Calderdale, U.K. ( which is where I currently live).

This is the wonderful group of individuals I had the opportunity to work with.  I have had their permission to put this pic up on my blog.

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 Here is me with a bunch daisies I found in the garden .

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I am going to end it on a  high.

I’m going to be  a bit selfish.

 Yesterday, we  (including the WRAP training facilitators who run the group) each  had a turn to write down our thoughts about each person we have worked with on the five-day training course, using strength-based feedback.

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It’s not as cheesy as it sounds because I know I am my own worst critic and I know I am not alone in that.

This morning, I have read the comments people wrote on my name tent.  I’ve decided to reinforce these comments in my mind, by typing them into this post.

Yes, yes I am bigging myself up – no one else is going to do it.  My husband says  I need to blow my own trumpet. In his Yorkshire accent, he goes :

” Ya bloody earnt it.”  ha ha!

Here they are:

‘Tasha, you have a passion for growing and will be great helping others’

‘vulnerable but strong,empathetic,powerful,enthuisiatic,’

‘Tasha, you are an absolute star! Your openness and insight are inspiring. I feel priviliged to know you.x’

‘You are an inspiration to us all- your story is one of Strength and Hope. It has been a real pleasure working with you this week. Thank you x’

‘Tasha, your courage and Strength has been a shining light in this group.I have seen you listen, learn and grow.’

‘Tasha, you have shown strength and individuality. Keep on going’

‘Great to meet you, warm and friendly person’

‘Well done Tasha, for having the courage and Strength to complete the training course. You will be an asset to any facilliator team. Share yourself and your journey so far.’

‘You are a genuine individual. Never change x’

‘Natasha, I know you have had it hard.You are one strong, beautiful lady. Please look after yourself.x’

‘Tasha, your capacity to grow and learn means you are definitely   going too be a great facilliator. Your empathy stands out like a light’

‘Tasha, what a journey you have been on and I only know snippets. It’s clear to me you are a strong woman. I love your vibrancy and individuality.I also thought we made an awesome team x’

”Natasha, Don’t change who you are! Don’t doubt yourself ever again. You’ve shown kindess,compassion and consideration to everyone this week.I would love to stay in touch and see you again in the future.Girl done Good!. x 

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HAVE A FAB WEEKEND! 

LOVE DAISY XOXO