Tag Archives: Mental Wellbeing

Sadie- F*** Pillow talk

Be the prick

 Be the swollen lips

Be the trickle of blood sauntering down her pale leg.

Treat her fragility -with vagile virility – trust in her own common sense.

Let her open up to you

Let her tease you into bed, out layered by peels of laughter.

Perhaps you find yourself lying up looking at her naked body, legs astride your torso in your bed head.

 

Don’t try to stop her from controlling the ride.

Sadie’s on top

you best stay on her appealing side.

 

Reason shuts down – arousal highjacks all senses.

an Amygdala orgasm- hands reveal the disguise no pretences.

Light strokes vary speed and pace.

Exposed to surrender at near glimpses of skin covered in see-through lace.

Playful

Cleansed and tainted from the dance of sentients

Sweaty, ruddy bare cheeks,   clothes abandoned, sheets ruffled into a dazzling fusion.

Eye to eye contact  threatening on impact

Discard pained thoughts numbed by this oxytocin released from incarceration.

Sadie’s initial taunts inspired events such as this audacious body gratification.

Whiskers of petit amours raise to embrace all sensation.

Blood whips around a  framework

 Frenetic climax into a bewildered orgimi of elation.

Beating hearts enthral Sadie to linger.

All mighty mother nature – gave us each blessed finger.

 

Sadie gives what she feels can un-ribbon her mask of distrust.

Less than few broke her hymen soul – merging adoration and lust.

 

Needs fulfilled. Fuck pillow talk.

don’t ask her how it was.

See her eyes, see her smile, see?

Her face won’t betray her mind.

indifferent to praises of technique.

 

 Trust that Sadie’s tasted delicacies never  to discover again

Tongue provokes once soft nipples – get it right.

 you will know by instinct if this entices her.

 

Spontaneous love.

All-time suspended from her world,

You may lose yourself too

 entangled in limbs.

Sadie need not hear your confession – though she smiles at the gesture.

She knows your lip service is filled with the original grace of binding hymns.

Comely are those creatures features when treated with respect.

Learn to appreciate a woman.

Learn to appreciate art.

Learn what is and isn’t a subject.

 

Study her until she catches you out

Especially when you least expect it.

A conjurer of a finely dressed tables

in a laboratory with you as her primary objective.

 

 Endowed with abundant pleasure

A pinch of naive seduction

That look, you wonder –what could she be thinking?

 

Maybe you’re to busy having a good time to think.

 

Maybe she stops mid-thrust  curiosity aroused

Out loud you hear  -What are thinking about? 

 

Maybe you fill  her with expectations

A moment of  temporary heady delight

A moments reprieve from her  slumber

 

 Facedown  femme fatale floats

Parted lips

Over Imbibed in the river of Styx.

 

*Inspired by Gustav Klimt’s  ‘ The kiss’*

Hashtag all “crazy” Words matter

I’ve been thinking about the words we ( I) use, (perhaps flippantly) at times. Without really thinking about the meaning of what we say to describe a person.

An example?

Crazy.

My 8 year old daughter uses this word to describe anything / any person who seemingly comes across as alien or eccentric to what she doesn’t understands about people’s behaviour & words.

Continue reading Hashtag all “crazy” Words matter

A muse in Patron

It don’t matter how many selfies you take.

What matters is if you can accept your own mirror reflection.

No time to flinch.

No time to hesitate.

Free to stride across abundant valleys conjured by a sweeping imagination.

God, when she weeps!

I collect her tears.

Covertly

Thankful for the martyr,

My patron muse.

Crystallized an abundant array of gifts .

Perhaps it is a silhouette…

Perhaps it is a rainbow’s smile illuminating intrinsic hues…

These words could reveal Science’s stuttering staccato voicing his love for nature.

For all her might

For all her brute

Which one is Beauty?

Which is Art?

What if you believed the sky is indeed blue?

Such a sexy little number

Such a sexy little number

I cry looking for a matching lingerie set

in

case

I want to look great for the moment I hit Downunder.

 

Laugh at your tears

Say a Huge fuck you to your fears.

 

This is the week when bash didn’t do it for me

Sniff

Sniff

Banging

Pocket pat down

hear a  jingle

Family matters is more substantial for me.

 

Write to recover or die trying to live the life of another.

 Freedom will come from sucking the teet from how you was mothered.

 

Be real

authenticate

deliberate who you gonna get rid of

You know them Twockers,

those who instigate?

 

I dilly dally

Think

Cut through the same ally

Second thoughts

Nah, maybe… another time.

 

No masterpiece -is this stream of consciousness

Too oily for an academic poets diet

Borderline poetry on the rocks

Top of the evening to those who think creativity is a bit of alright.

 

.*Song choice is purely based on the dynamics of my relationship with my husband. We are chalk (I am ). and he is pure cheese. 😉

And in the end -spoken word

Sometimes you need a lot of distractions to keep your thoughts silent. :D. I do.

#writetorecover #creattostaysane

Be happy or die trying You tube series – ItsstillOK2talk

(written in 1st &  3rd person in quotes tbr)

She didn’t know why she felt the need to document her suicide attempt, and post suicide. She says that she genuinely wanted to die. She spent many months angry at her mother, angry and displaced because the doctors told her mother to expect the worst. She had been in ICU for over 8 hours. Her suicide was was not an attempt to hurt anybody especially not her daughter.

She felt it was best for everyone & she couldn’t live with her self & her illnesses any longer. She was in the system of benefits. She had received a PIP claim form to prove she needed some form of income to live on, her daughter’s child tax credits were stopped on Christmas eve 2017. Her mariage had broken down due to erratic behaviour and actions & life stress.

She had to give the go-ahead to the doctor to snow her Aunt with Morphine. She sang to her aunt until the death rattle passed. She watched her grandmother die from vascular Dementia & Alzheimers (over a period of 3 days). She watched her own mother look after her mother until she passed away on Mothers day 2017.

Her wedding day was mixed with joy, stress, emotions & her Anorexia/Bipolar started to manifest in not eating/drinking fluids to make up the 4 hours of the gym she did for 4 years 4 hours every day. She had a cracking body but at what cost?  She holds on to too much guilt -not all her own to own.

She hopes to edit.make cuts of all the footage in a documentary( the good, the bad, the ugly). Why? To help her understand herself.

“When I’m on self destruct I am good at trying to kill myself/allow people to abuse me & lose my way. Albeit slowly through starving myself & ending up in multiple hospitals with Braccardyia and failing organs. ”

She recalls unsuccessfully trying to throw herself off a bridge.
“The police grabbed me as I put out her arms and feet out to jump. ”
The previous night, she had taken an overdose worthy of being at the very least hospitalised however she woke up shocked – alive & devasted.

“Whatever I put my mind to I am a person who ( surprisingly) and through sheer stubbornness who succeeds to my detriment or wellbeing.”

Last year, her psychiatrist of 10 years was moments awayy from sectioning her again. He knows her well. She is usually able to reason & is too honest for her own good at times.

“I was hypomanic and through misusing medication I went into drug-induced psychosis. I didn’t hear things or see things. I had to comply with fortnightly injections. I didn’t want my daughter to think I didn’t love her so that is why I filmed my attempt. I saw no bright light, I heard no ambulance, I don’t recall anything except my disappointment at still being alive.”

She adds,

“I work on my self every day to love myself.

Acknowledging she doesn’t get it right all the time. These videos are not edited nor are they in order. It’s one of her multiple ongoing projects.

“I hope to tie this in with the hard work I did on myself by getting out into the world, volunteering with Mental health charities, writing, getting involved in the creative industry and I realised how much I had to give through experience. I wasn’t stupid. I have qualities people in the mental health & Creative arts sector look for.”

Her mental health deteriorated again. She has been well & she believes she will get well again.

” There are no limits to recovery from an illness. No, they might be terminal or chronic and never go away. We may know we will die from say Cancer. It’s about the quality of life we live while we are still here. I’d rather die at 60 & have done the things I want to than live to an age of 80 -lonely, old, neglected & liability to society.”

 

I wish this was fiction -Pro choicer

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Exactly! not so much religion but more your beliefs about pro-life.FYI
All of us in this debate are pro-life. You don’t have to be religious to respect and be Pro-life.

I have a lot of anger towards the hypocritical B/S sludge techniques that some Pro-lifers use to prevent Abortions from going ahead legally ( safely and hygienically).

They use religion & guilt & even shame and protesting to bully women into carrying the fetus to full term.

This is ignorant & these are debauched tactics using  -mind games /Emotional blackmail.

Why?

One simplistic example?

A pregnant woman may find she bonds with this unborn life and is conflicted about her reasons to abort & then it gets to the 24 weeks cut off date that the law states is ethical. If a mother or another person causes the death of her unborn child it is classed as murder in the U.K.

Women around the world who can’t have a legal abortion are often forced to have back street abortions.

Here is a loose retelling of a friends experience having a back street abortion.

Her partner was highly abusive. He beat her with abuse, words to have an Abortion at 25 years old. She was not given an anaesthetic & the person she paid did the abortion with a coat hanger.

It’s B/S that MOST women who have/had an abortion use or do it as a contraceptive prevention tool.

My body is mine as is all other women’s bodies are theirs. Men have ownership of their bodies. The body can be used as a vessel for life to grow in it.

It’s an incubator.

If I don’t want (for whatever reasons) a host to feed off my body zapping me of minerals, iron etc & (sounds crude) that is my choice. My body.

9 months is the average period to carry a life/ unborn life/developing life/ host to full gestation That’s 9 months of my time not anybody else.

Pro-choice is pro-life.

Pro-choice looks at multiple & complex factors in deciding to terminate the growth of a fetus -full-term baby. I don’t want a baby is a good enough reason.

Pro-lifers I ask: why don’t you adopt the orphans – all of them. Take financial responsibility, take emotional responsibility.

A possible Pro-life answer :

It’s the mother who has that responsibility. God will provide. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. You will end up in hell if you do.

I  had an abortion at 24 weeks – I am a living person.  He would have been called Nicholas. Medical professionals advised me of the risks involved. Largactil – a medication that I was taking at that time would result in the unborn child being severely physically & mentally disabled. Risk chance probability – Over 70%

I couldn’t justify having a child who I knew could possibly live a quality of life that would merely be existing not living.

I’ve lived that kind of life.

 

Could I manage? Mentally, physically, financially, emotionally.

Eventually, I agreed with the doctors and had the Abortion in a private clinic in London.

Of course, I grieved. It was one of the shittiest moments of my life. I couldn’t take back life. I made a choice & I had to move on and make the best of my life.

I digress,

I abused alcohol, I was with a very violent & manipulative man. I should have been more responsible & used a condom. I was naive as after my abortion

How many of you who have sex use a condom all the time? A round of applause for all those who are 100% safe all the time. ( I am on a non-hormonal coil to that does the least amount of harm to the reproductory system  I bled for  10 days & tried to find comfort in my now ex, I got drunk, cried about what I had done and we had sex. That’s how it went.

I was naive when I found out I was pregnant the first time because I had thought I couldn’t fall pregnant.

I had amenorrhea ( no menstrual periods)for over 15 years of my life due to 1 diagnosis of Chronic ( something that doesn’t go away) Anorexic I wasn’t ready to put on weight when I found out. My ex was ecstatic.

His words: I’ve known for weeks. Your breasts have swelled up.

At this point, I  spent most of my time at his house. I stopped seeing my family and friends.  (paid 3 months advance on my own rent in my own home).

I was grieving & started drinking to c ope.I  was finishing my undergraduates’ degree & had a tutor who was bang out of order & a bitch towards me. I had a performance to do for one of my modules & I refused to fail. I have seen pictures of what I looked like at the time. I wanted to get a good mark. I wanted to be with my colleagues and enjoy the experience.

I had been confined to my bedroom. Against my will, He handcuffed to my bed drifting in various states semi-consciousness, unconsciousness after taking a  substantial medication & alcohol overdose. This person decided to play “God” with my life for 5 days. He didn’t call an ambulance because he was trained in 1st aid (that is what he put in his statement). It doesn’t make him a Doctor.

(2 weeks after my abortion)

I returned to college with a black eye to the final piece for summer 2010. Everyone on my course was stressed in rehearsals & had their own lives to deal with. I had cut them off & turned their back on me. I covered up my black eye with a mask when I took part in our live art installation.

I remember a tutor  ( same age as me) looked at me and she said ‘Man up’ to me. Why? BITCH.

She had paperwork and deadlines to do. …Idk maybe that is why.

Morally bankrupt and highly ignorant.

She used to patronize me & belittle me.

Now she is a mother herself so she is a Mother bitch.

I’m sure she is a great mother. I don’t care.

I was dealing with my own mental health issues, I was trying to get away from a HIGH-RISK violent relationship. I fell pregnant a week later with Isabella. I had stopped the medication that was toxic to a growing baby. That is the truth.

I didn’t leave his house, I struggled to get to college or out of the house because as I had started nightly binge eating sessions, the depressive part of Bipolar the feelings & thoughts that go with overeating and self-loathing meant that I escaped by sleeping my life away. Severely Depressed. Then I would have panic attacks and look for a way to escape from myself. I took many overdoses, cut my wrists, drinking.

I started to have blackouts when we started arguing .Especially when it turned physical/sexually abusive. It was like a switch went off in my brain and I used to have serious blackouts that continued right into the early stages of my relationship with my now-husband.

Due to childhood abuse and other male and female abuse I learned to disassociate to cope with all the trauma because my mind can only process so much. It’s very common.

It’s something that started from a young age (self-preservation).

The blackouts happened when I had been drinking & mixing it with benzodiazepines (prescribed).

Some people have said that I was confrontational or violent even. How and it was my ALL my fault said certain men who were emotionally or physically /sexually abusive to me.IA pattern for the people I attracted to my Life emerged.

I think that many the people who put me down are full of self-hatred and complexes. It doesn’t justify them with an excuse.

It highlights how many people I’ve come across in my life  (my hand is up too) who have their own self-image, emotional issues. And when feeling vulnerable or see a trait that they don’t like about themselves in someone else sometimes deflect how they feel about themselves & put it on another person. Psychology 101.

When I was dating my now-husband, he would recount events when I blacked out. What I had done. We analysed it. We would discuss at length of what I had done, what I remembered.

 I was able to get a different perspective of where I saw myself to blame along with what was not mine to own. It helped me to put things in context. How much of what was said about me (to me) was distorted?

In my experiences, it’s harder to look at ourselves rationally when we are hurting. It is can seem easier to blame another person for a fall out/ violence/ abuse.

I slowly came to realise I wasn’t to blame for every situation that happened or when I was confrontational with my words or reacted to what people said. My biggest mistake was to let a person disrespect me and still expect them to respect me.

I became more aware of certain  triggers to my behaviour and attitude. Some of it was my shit to own & the rest was abusive.

Whether it was a valid trigger from another person’s actions/words. Or whether it was my subjective/automatic reaction to (perhaps) misinterpreting someone’s words, reactions or facial expressions.

I believed that I couldn’t use my memory as reliable evidence. I believed what he was telling me. I have done this with many people in my life due to self-doubt.

 I fought (along with my true fam beside me) social services /the ex and the court jesters for 16 months. We didn’t stop until our daughter was living not just in her home but with me being her sole carer -legally. I had the experience of addressing the judge myself. Social services, and lawyers, Appointed children Guardians were instructed to sit at the back of the courtroom.

My legal team thought/hoped  I was more than capable of requesting for the shared responsibility cared order to be revoked. It’s a big achievement considering they had her up for twin tracking ( from 12 weeks old)

Twin tracking is looking at other alternatives for my daughter’s life and adoption/twin Tracking whilst the case was still live was ratified when my daughter wasn’t even 3 months old.

I  didn’t feel I could express emotion in the meeting room. There were at least 10 people involved not including from my support system because it could be used against me in court to prove I was unable to care for my child. They wanted to throw a textbook at me & tick all the boxes.  The Social service system is flawed, underfinanced, open to corruption and abuse happens in the care/foster system too

I have parental responsibility for Isabella -legally. The ex didn’t want to see her. He had contact workers picking my daughter up /dropping her back off from his house. Not a lot of Dads get that choice. One day he sent her back refused to have her in his home.

It happens to mothers every day.

I stopped having blackouts. Life was more positive. I was hiting my goals. I was happy.  I became better.

Another  blackout happened in April 2017 when an ex-friend punched me. I wish I could This led to me being assaulted by a load of yobs who thought it was justified to beat up a woman who asked then insisted that they stop recording me being punched by ex-friend. I have a broken nose from that experience.

This ex-friend can’t understand why I won’t speak to him. I allowed him to disrespect me over and over again. He thinks it is a minor tiff. I have defended myself or tried to when ex-friend assaulted me (many times) I allowed the abuse to happen cos I would accept his apologies Its in the past.

I’m lucky and deserve to be with a true Alpha- my husband. He has never put me down nor has he belittled me. Intentionally? Never. He hasn’t ever raised a hand to me though has been close to it. I am not easy going especially when I’m ill and (I don’t agree with violence) I am saying that if there is one person out of all the others who’VE  disrespected me( & tried to take away my inner fire ) Gaz would be the only person I can truly state might have been “justified” being violent to me.

He isn’t and he wasn’t.

I will gladly have another child or children when we decide and if nature gives the green light.

PRO-CHOICE is PRO-LIFE. Look at how we treat children. This image prompted a lot of words. Haha!

What a character!

Ladies and Men, Do you want to really waste most (cross out) all of your life chasing an idea of what you think is the perfect weight and way to look?

Do you know that some dreams can turn into nightmares?

Some dreams are best left in the subconscious-don’t fuck with your health. Mental & physical -(be) ‘cos honestly, those increasing digits (age, scales, money, lack of money; the  Obsessive compulsion to want “control” over your world  (think Pinky & the Brain) is impossible.

There is something better than perfection… The miracle /creation of life.

 WOW! Fuck Area 51-Alien life. Appreciate human life. The earthlings who still exist on earth, and who keep the ecosystem in balance while we look at what to eat, wear, fuck, do, spend on, take the piss or use other people (dead or alive) to further their career, aspirations & agenda.

 We are a selfish murder of crows.

When you have body dysmorphia, eating disorders & hang-ups remember to hit those thoughts. (No, whack them straight in the middle of the sentence get in a clause, pause and push those thoughts out)cos they will be your demise if you ruminate on thoughts until you forget that you are putting yourself down.

I was given life. I don’t want to have regrets. These days… I still get panic attacks after eating or shopping for food & then I self medicate to forget ( figure that out in an equation or sum ) If you look with your heart & not your Ego-there is beauty everywhere. There are ( and were ) so many species living in different continents ( homo sapiens too).

I have one wish:  A Brain break (without losing my personality-flaws and all) & not being aware of my body so much cos honestly the guys I picked up ( lol) when I was dating seemed to be interested in outer me ( some were interested in both). There are good men & women who see the beauty in an abstract ( fucking normal way).

If we could just stand up or sit down, and just say F**k your profile, selfies.IDK girls seem more fixated on this idea of being “fit”… How about your sense of humour, your beliefs? GIVE ME IMPERFECTIONS, please…

How about a big F U 2 Standard beauty? Facebook, how about Personality book? Character book?
How about accepting one breast is one cup larger than the other & letting someone who loves you .. love you…Scary AF.

We can be visual whores! Me too btw

My new mantras are more engaging and thought-provoking than standard affirmations.

I’ve realised if I want to be happy (fuck 70% of my thoughts. Fuck money, fuck likes, fuck…… just know me cos we all flawed or

 Who are you?
Not important to my world.

 Alan Watts asks: What do you desire?

My mantras or “mini prayers” is:

Is this the reality I wish to create? -a lot better than ‘I am successful at whatever I do’ ( I know what I can do to myself and the knock-on effect extends to helping or hurting those I love).

So, What do I desire?

PEACE OF MIND –

Thoughts to stop spinning, a body of water ( not a bath) & laughter & security.

MEH …… these are my words….. If you judge me I get louder and then I ignore ( I may have a fleeting thought about you or something that makes me feel shit), then I remember those who know me when I’m A loudmouth or quiet.

I don’t want much except a break from my mind without poisoning it.

The “beauty”  of Facebook is we are so worried about our face or feed that no one will read this & if they do wise asses who say “I Don’t get it”. When I feel like articulating myself and making an effort you won’t reply ( not me being arrogant) just experience with Smart asses, cons, piss takers and general Giff gaff.

 I HAVE A GOOD HEART and a devil on my shoulder. ………End (of) T.hinking C.apacity.

 What is beauty?

A rose wouldn’t be so enticing to touch or pick if it didn’t have thorns. Some of us can be the thorn between two roses ( thanks to the person who came up with that)

Brrrisk it –

This is audio recorded experimental monologue in two parts that depict the impact Brexit /welfare reform has on one woman with severe mental health issues trying to keep things together and on hold to talk to someone about  (I don’t know) her benefits being stopped. Or her having to go  & be questioned on intimate & embarrassing issues to prove she is ill in front of someone probably not qualified in complex mental health issues. It’s my story.  😀 I am making the assumption .lol. This was an experiment (essentially scene one)   as sometimes I can’t type or write so I record and act out an improvised piece. I have always been able to create characters in my mind and act them out. My daughter does the same thing. THERE IS AS GENE FOR MY PECULIARITIES? Gulp.

(the recording is not great quality-its the concept I am more interested in and how I  can use it to create a piece of work that means something to me and has some relevance to the community I live. Theatre and social issues equal a match made heaven.

IN yer face drama ( this isn’t) Brechtian? (elements later on if this ever is finished) Kitchen sink drama? It’s not glam, is it… I would love to an SFX of her peeing or on the toilet having a number  2 when someone becomes available down the job centre or something. It needs a ton of work.

To digress ( briefly)

Going into my own world was my first addiction. I would disappear and create dramas and stories to escape from my real life. I started doing it when I was 5 years old and stopped when I was 15.

For this character ( loosely based on me and other people I’ve seen go through a breakdown in mental /social health) I used repetition in the characters dialogue. Iand I think that the character doing everyday chores- cleaning, making her bed contrasts with the chaos that is unravelling from the hinges in her mind. There would need to be more backstory. It needs a lot of work but I think the government should hold their heads in shame. I will always fight for justice and whatever I write.

Different actress. It’s an interesting technique to use when you have writer’s block.  Like my “poetry” ( borderline) is organic and raw so is my approach to creating characters.

I didn’t study for a postgraduate degree for any other reason but to make sense of what was happening in my life. And writing became my life. I had forgotten how much I have written over the years.

So it’s rubbish  QUALITY WISE( not the idea) it needs loads of work. I love the Vivaldi in the background ( in a theatre it should drive people nuts) but its better suited for an audio play or radio script because of it feels oppressive, we don’t know what the character ( not me anymore) is going to do next. WI.

God job I write for myself and not to please other people.Though I enjoy being an instigator of some one’s happiness.

I could start my final year in October. I’m enjoying learning about writing about music and engaging with people in a different way. It’s not the world of academia. And I m loving my little fashion career. I get work with my mom. And I’m happy. I’m happy that I can still write. I know I was a better writer at one point. My grandad was a self-made millionaire-  twice and poverty stricken  twice

I don’t write pretty cos the world not preettty. It’s fascinating and terrifying and all-consuming, fleeting, dull,

I’m done writing…

I feel ok.

 

The clarity of insanity

And at  the peak of my insanity

A moment to glance away from my apparent  reflection gunning down with its eyes of La Mort

I know that if I am able to glance away

at that reflection

of utter fear and self-loathing

See

my child in her stark purity dancing in front of the mirror.

If I found myself standing over her

pick up the comb, attend to her dutifully then

This motion is fuelled by a fierce love.

A fierce refusal to allow her child to be abandoned

by her own mother

The same mother who flees from her Self every day.

If this is not a demonstration of love

then it is a moment of clarity

I see the reality I have created.

Sweet bitter

I’m ready to tipple

Tears or bourbon

I’m no longer sure

Does it matter?

Then it is a moment of clarity.

These are my words.

Inspired by reading a passage of  ‘Memoirs of a daughter’, written by Simone Beauvoir and her relationship with her mother.

Cinquain -Batarde!

Fathers

Sons of other mothers

Paternal, protective of those who raised them

Desperate screams, abandoned by their original sires

Bastards!

This is how do it±

1: one syllable (title),line

2: two words describing the title

3: three words relating the action,

line 4: four words expressing the feelings,

line 5: one word recalling the title.ber of syllables i.e. line

I’m supposed to be working but I’m doing anything but….. I thought let’s humiliate myself more ( how low can you go? I couldn’t care less tbh… It helps my mind to do all these silly creative experiments.

So here is hazy daisy “singing” in what appears to be French.

(Trying to get back to speaking French again) I’mnot trying to make money out of it so it is all good! 😉

 I’m lucky to have a husband who loves our daughter like she was his own. She is in everyone’s eyes becuase  the other amoeba literally refused to see her!

Fuck him cos he was a creep & a nutter & disturbed & he pressed EVERY.BUTTON.IN.MY.SOUL.

 I’m pretty doolally, okay. He was insidious and cos I fought back when he was violent or put me down  I got blacker, more yellow, more trips to the hospital. I grew to hate him. And there are not many people I can say I hate. One person -Him.

I focused most of my B.A.  in creative writing getting over his perverse ways and utter lack of respect for me. I graduated with a post-graduate degree in the humanities (high merit) THANKS for the material.

As for Gaz, he used to come with me to contact centres and wait for me while I saw my daughter  for10 hours a week ( for 16 months), I’m often caught off guard at how hands on a Dad he is. Difficult behaviour or not. He truly loves our child. I didn’t think it was possible. He does.

It’s been a tough one today cos my Gaz’s Dad died a few months ago. I tried to ay happy fathers day to my own Dad. My gut feeling is he can’t he be arsed. I’ve been a problem since I was 2years old. my Dad and my stepmom decided when they got married  (over 30 years ago) that they would forget about any previous children. So my stepsister lived with her gran and I lived with my Nan ( and mom and I lived in many different places, countries. And I was extremely unsure of who I could rely on as we all have our issues in life, especially as adults.

I am a Bodley cos my Nan is mind-blowingly switched on 81 years old. She goes to pilates, has a hectic social life and she loves the bones of me & my daughter. She is into the arts and she has never turned her back on me ( for long) 😀

I’m also half of my mom. And I’m happy and I’m proud of my mom. I strive to be more like my mom because she had abuse hurled at her from every direction – my Dad’s side, her side, husbands. My mom has the heart and courage of a lion.

Oh well….. My Mom, nan and my gran and my grandad raised me. I TRULY HOPE HE IS HAVING A GREAT DAY, he is my Dad.

If he taught me two things in life it was:

drugs are okay ( haha) just kidding.

No, he taught me how to party, not bother about what other people thought. He taught me how to fish. And he tried to debate more time for me when I was on holiday in 2004. He taught me that men couldn’t be trusted and he was the second male (after my stepdad) who rejected me because he was happy. He also cried when he found out about soem crazy shit that happened when I was a toddler. So- respect for that fatherly protective feeling. However, fleeting.

Unfortunately, I have a stepmother who hates me( and my mother) and is nasty when she drinks ( but fuck her). She may not now. She is vindictive & I have no time for her polluted mind. I wrote an 80 000 w0rd draft basing one of my characters on her. Thanks!

She is also funny, and a tomboy. And we have had good moments laughing together. I have a sister who I don’t really know how to be connected to her.  She’s jealous of anyone who takes up my Dad’s attention. As long as she is healthy and happy then I wish her the best. My English family are assholes. Except for one great aunt. The rest are mean & so provincial. I don’t know why? Oh, cos I’m different…

FUCK IT!  Anyway… I’ve grown to appreciate bits of  Yorkshire & the culture here, cos my Nan is and great Nan (was a legend ) and I’ve met some amazing friends here who put up with me.

That’s just way it is.

There are brilliant Dad’s out there! And I’ve seen them and you all rock. My Dad can be cool, funny & frustratingly quiet .it’s drawing blood from a stone chatting to him. Maybe he is shy but ff’s  He did win the race to procreate.

Write to recover, be happy or die trying!

It’s all good.