Doubts..

“There has to be new words
to explain new worlds.”
Toba Beta,    #FollowGreatFootsteps

WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS QUOTE?

I’m trying out something different. A new challenge. This for me is about changing my style and approach, pushing me to do more and become stronger in my thinking and my writing . I did NaNoWriMo last November and I  had to push myself harder than I ever have with writing fiction- based on what I know 😀  So I have a half finished draft for a book. It’s more than I had in October 2015 . See?  it needs tons of work but it is there. I have worked.

The Blogging from A-Z April challenge starts today.  There is still time to challenge yourself and do it. 🙂 – this challenge requires a different  writing approach. I’m writing about something that has the power to grab hold of my emotions and make me cry,get angry,  make me want scream.

 I love the simplicity and power of this quote. We share much in common but the  smaller the world becomes the more we come into contact with people who have a different way of doing things.  We need to use different words to explain or teach or learn about ourselves and new parts of the world that we discover.

Look at what a loss it be  would have if there was  no pig Latin in the world  – had to get one in there.  😉 😀

pig-latin-image-300x239

 

It’s Friday my flowers ………Tra la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I’ve got another date night with my sexier half on Saturday night:D. .We are writing personal vows- scary!  and we are hunting down  wedding rings..

Anybody,doing anything this weekend  who can my top my wedding duties on Date night? Ha ha 🙂

So  have a good one. Look out for my BLogging challenge -A-Z post. Support me  please. 😀

muchus gracias , these are for you  :

$_35

Daisy

WEEK9 WRAP

Week nine already. I’ve had a bit of a hectic month. Any NaNoWriMos  who read this will know my pain. End of another month. In a few weeks our three month WRAP course will be over! What am I going to do with my Wednesday mornings? This is a rather late update. Apologies!

So, let’s get down tonight and make this a Wrap to remember

( humming  to  that cheesy song that I don’t know the title to)

Week 9 and  as promised we went back to click here for link to triggers  and we action planned one. This trigger is a more generalised trigger, in the context, that most people can relate to this situation

THE TRIGGER:

Dealing with difficult people. This can be your boss, your ex – anybody.

now that we have identified what the trigger is -It becomes 100% easier to brainstorm ideas of how we can respond to and deal with these triggers. There are plenty of techniques I’ve learned over the weeks and some of those have made it onto MY EARLY WARNING SIGN LIST- DO YOU HAVE ONE TOO?. If you can bounce ideas off with someone supportive do try that too. A problem shared and halved and all that jazz!

The most important advice I took with me from this weeks session is too practice a wise-mind. Be mindful. Try and find  some peace in that small place where your emotional part of your brain  overlaps with your rational part of the brain .

Another technique I learned about is what is called Non Violent Communication.

The Basics of Non-violent Communication (NVC)

Most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand and diagnose — to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“ with people.

We express our feelings in terms of what another person has “done to us.” We struggle to understand what we want or need in the moment, and how to effectively ask for what we want without using unhealthy demands, threats or coercion. As founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. says,

“What others do may be a stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”

– Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.,
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

So how can we communicate in this more compassionate way?

1. Identify the trigger/problem. and ask how it makes you feel. This is where you start identifying  your feelings with I-language. Ask yourself: What has happened? (try to stick with facts and not opinion a person is more able to listen)

Example: When you called me an ass hole on front of our son..

2.State how you feel 😦 talk about your hurt feelings as opposed to your angry feelings) I feel like my son won’t respect me. I feel like I’m doing it all wrong.

3. How can I change the way I communicate? you need to identify your needs and not what you want the other person to do

because I need my son to respect me and I need to him to know I love him and I am his father but that he must respect me as I respect him

4. make a request. How can I do this? From my feelings I have identified what I need from dealing with a difficult person.The request needs to be something you would like from the other person rather than to stop them doing)

Would you be willing to stop calling me an ass hole in front of our son’

Okay, I know that I don’t have power over how other people react but I have power over how I respond. The most important person to worry about is YOU!  Your mental health – we all have it. bad or good.  It is of paramount importance.

Ooh, we got quite psycho babbley ( new word) this week, which kind of freaks me out but never fear because our lovely co facilitators took away the jargon and gave us a little bit of insight into how people behave. I  expand a bit more on this on  WEEK 9 WRAP CAM This is one theory among many. For super boffs you can read in depth  all about it  under the following link

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE- TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS THEORY

For those of us who want a simple understanding of what ‘the drama triangle’ is and how it works  check out the link below. Please be mindful that the drama triangle in this clip is used in the context of the working environment. It can also  be interpreted into all our relationships -work and non working life.

BASIC SHORT CLIP OF HOW THE DRAMATIC TRIANGLE WORKS

 In our group session we adapted the three roles as:

The hero – is the rescuer

The Villian – is the persecutor

The Victim– is still  the victim.

In I expand on how these roles are formed and how we keep ourselves in the drama triangle. There are an abundance of research on  transactional analysis theory and the Drama triangle.

It is important to have a basic understanding of how it works. WHY?

 So that we can become aware of when we  think we are starting to slip into these roles and also how to respond to another person who is in one of the three role.

The main point for me is to know what traits each role player has and how to get out of that role or change how I respond in that role.

A persecutor needs to become the assertive person . This person

  • stops denying that that they hurt, reject or punish others
  • Be assertive. Not aggressive. Express your needs and feelings whilst maintains respect for others.
  • Stop blaming and shaming. Learn from mistakes.
  • Stop judging others.Accept other people can have differences. Appreciate the fact that you can have your ideas and others can have theirs.
  • Mind your own business

A rescuer should aim to move to being a caring person

  • Stop basing your self esteem on helping others
  • Help people. Without letting them become dependant on you.tell  the victim that they are the best person to work out their own shit.
  • Stop feeling sorry for people. Stop enabling by giving money, advice or support.
  • Ask the victim how you can help them.  What do they want from you?
  • Be empathetic not sympathetic -share your experiences – put yourself in their shoes don’t tell them what to do with advice. You don’t know what it is really like for a person who is going through a rough time in whatever context.
  • Set limits/ boundaries on your caring
  • SAY NO

A victim should aim to move to a more vulnerable role.

  • Admit your own vulnerability and pain without lashing out at every other person but yourself
  • Stop expecting people to rescue you and tell people you don’t need a hero to rescue you.
  • Think and problem solve  for yourself. Ask for help if you need it. Be assertive not passive
  • Build your self-belief and your self esteem by taking action yourself. Recognise that you have the power and can use it appropriately
  • Walk away from people who don’t respect your boundaries.  Your triggers and feelings are good indicators for knowing when a boundary has been crossed. Your VALUES LIST from week  Five is handy to read over.
  • Accept that you are okay. you are cool.

HOW CAN I/YOU/WE  stay out of the drama triangle?

  • learn how to feel guilty without acting on that feeling of guilt.
  • Listen- without doing anything -the whole two ears one mouth thing applies here.
  • Don’t make assumptions about people. It is hard to not judge. If you are going to judge try and do it with a kind heart.
  • DO NOT underestimate how resourceful people are when they have no alternative choice but to hep themselves
  • Mix with positive and like minded people
  • Set boundaries. Walk away from those who disrespect you. If you need help with identifying boundaries look at your values list.
  • wise-mind – tone down you emotions and try and be objective not subjective and be logical not irrational
  • Be clear and honest about what you need

That is it!  Have an awesome thanks giving Black Friday and weekend.

P.S. I will also update  a small tips guide to over -thinking and social comparison Something else we covered this week.

 

 

 

POSSIBLY MY SHORTEST POST EVER

I feel like I’ve been neglecting this part of my writing life. If I’m 100% honest I have fallen a slave to the time shaker that is NaNoWriMo .jennifer-egan-quote-630x473.png

I’m 29120 words in. More than half way with my first draft for my novel. I hate being so competitive, because I end up feeling like I do now exhausted and guilty. I have neglected nearly everything and everyone in my mad quest to get a 50 000 thousand word story down. It is very far from being finished. Even when I get to 50 000 words, it may not be finished and it will need lots of re drafting. I’ve been having permanent head aches. I’ve turned into a demon bitch from hell. Snapping at all and everything. I don’t need think I need a haunted hotel to go insane! I do need a ghost writer. IF I EVER FINISH THIS NOVEL CAN SOMEONE WRITE AS SONG LIKE THIS BUT ADD COCKTAILS TO IT AND JAZZ IT UP A BITmedium_Writing_Meme

It would be so easy to give in now. Only 8 days to go!

Nope not giving up but I am taking a break from technology for tonight.

THIS IS MY POST.. Can you detect how exhausted of words I am?

I’m not going to say my piece is shit because it might not be and I have this crazy annoying mantra

” I succeed in everything I do”

Who picked that one? Aaaaargh.

P.S. no cocktails lately, especially not  tonight as I don’t have the strength to bring a glass to my lips.

If you want to read something sad. this isn’t for you

I’m going to post about all the fantastic things going on in my life. There is too much pain and sadness in this world. I don’t know about you but I always tend to focus more on what has gone wrong in my life and play down what has actually gone all right. Sometimes situations can be like a double edged sword. More Perspective is an  essential requisite to live a life worth living!  The media week has been full of the terrorist attacks in France. I am a French citizen and proud to to be one but regardless of my nationality or not. I choose to unite. ‘Divide and conquer’ has lost it’s place in my repertoire on this subject.

To narrow things down to what has been going on in my own life. I will start by saying I have been a moany, OCD mess of a wife-to-be- my partner is re decorating our home and I hate mess. I can’t live with it. So today for the first time I’ve been kinder to my partner. I moved into my home in 2008 and 7 months pregnant. I was at the end stage of a violent relationship, and I had to get the house painted as best as I could and before my daughter was born. I was so stressed and tired that I kept the black walls in our bedroom and the bright yellow in the bathroom. Life carries on and we are now nearing the end of 2015 and finally my amazing partner has finished decorating the top half of the house. My mood is lifted. Everything feels fresh.  I wasn’t like this a week ago but I can see the bigger picture now and I love it!

I’m into my 8th week of  WELLNESS RECOVERY ACTION PLAN and my first week down of  a four week   voluntary training with healthy minds charity . I’m four weeks away from doing other training with HOPE-CRC charity. Last week a person in my group gave me a mantra to tell myself:

‘I am at peace with what has happened is happening, and has happened’

The other that I picked out for my self was:

‘ I am successful in everything I do.’

I believe that me  constantly repeating these two  mantras has helped me gain a better perspective.  Today, I co-facilitated my first Anti-stigma– mental health awareness work shop with a wonderful lady. I got to tell  an organisation  about some of my experiences with mental health stigma. I’m usually terrified of getting up and public speaking. I kept saying my mantras and  the big day arrived. Today. I was calm. I was able to maintain eye contact. People cried. They couldn’t believe that the person  who I described of who  I was and how I coped in the past was the same  person they saw standing in front of them. I get so much from what I do with my life these days. Everyone I meet is a potential ally. Someone who I want to collaborate with or just know. I’m blessed I truly am! In the most non -religious way  a person can be. I’m blessed by Zeus! haha.

We are just over half of November and I’ve stuck to my NaNoWriMo  challenge and I’ve written 20 000 words already! I never though I could write one word. These little challenges are what gives meaning to my life. I am not going to apologise for having nothing to complain about. My health is good. My daughter is an angel – except when she stamped on my cat’s tail this evening. I have family and friends around me who love me. Today I want to put out all that positivity into the atmosphere. By challenging my perspectives, so many doors have and are still opening for me. It’s brilliant. I don’t feel this fantastic everyday but like I wrote at the beginning I tend to focus on what I have lost as opposed to what I have gained.

Fear is a powerful disabling feeling but my god when you push though it and get onto the other side of fear ;that is when the magic truly begins.

So a happy me is going to say a happy Ciao –

please look for  updates on the miserable parts of my life. That’s me done!

 

 

 

 

 

NaNoWriMo – only 14 000 words!

I can’t believe I’ve written 14 000  words for my first novel, ‘The girl who couldn’t see’-. The title may change. I totally recommend people who procrastinate when it comes to writing to give NaNoWriMo a good go for next year. I’m no where near finished and probably won’t be submitting my novel at the end of the month. Of course I will try and aim for that but I have high expectations of myself.  Joshua-Wolf-Shenk-quote

I’ve discovered that I write whatever comes into my head. There is no planning- I experience everything in my head as I write and then go back and do the edits. I love this way of  writing. My characters evolve. I go back and tweak their looks and how they talk and how I describe the settings. People reading this post might think I’m being arrogant. Well, everyone has something they love to do and are good at. It’s my opinion. I suppose I will be  less sure of my talents  when my book gets scrutinised by an agent. However, I’m not there yet and I write for me.

The next milestone is to hit 25 000 words.I have a lot of ideas that  I want to put in, so, I am cherry picking at the moment. I don”t know why it’s going so well for me – no WB so far. I do feel drained after writing especially when my protagonist is having a rough time and exploring emotions and trying to achieve some kind of happiness. I feel even more drained when my characters argue.  I know it sounds nuts but I do!  Overall I’m having  a ball!.

I wish I still had all the stuff I wrote as a teenager . I lost my way for a bit but it’s all coming back.

So 14 000 words and I didn’t even think I could write one. Not bad at all

jennifer-egan-quote-630x473

Writing is a journey of discovery because until you start, you never know what will happen, and you can be surprised by what you do – expect the unexpected!

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/expect_the_unexpected.html#G8U5m5bh7eSvtoc8.99

Why do I do this to myself?

Then again, Why not ? A small update on the NaNoWriMO front. a-me-at-computer-cartoon

I have got my achievement badge of 10 000 words. Oh yeah! It’s pretty organic and rough but there is a story down. It is tangible and there is shit going on in it that may appeal to some one other than my characters sometime in my future life. I don’t know how some  writers  who plan every detail of their character’s tastes, shoe size -temperament etc. ever get around to writing and finishing  a novel. I’m not trying to big myself up but I guess I need to be that person who pats herself on the back sometimes.  Aint No-body who  is gonna do it for you.This writing thing shows commitment. Doing challenges like this adds character and reveals another layer of  our highly complexed selves, that is more interpretable to ourselves and the world and people who live around us . At least, this is what I think it does for me. So 20 days to go  and 40 000  coherent linked up  words to write and make into a story.

Maybe my writing is worthy of some praise- then again- maybe not. At-least I’m putting myself out there. Getting out of my safety zone. Speaking/typing  of which, I have only gone and said I will stand up in front of a bunch of people next week and briefly talk to them about Anti-stigma and mental health. I hate talking in crowds. I’m more of a one on one sort of gal. There is only one way to conquer the fear of losing my train of thought when I get up and start my mini speech; and that is to confront it head on. Oh and make notes. tee hee!

Yeah, cos this will really catch on and be a hit right?

Yeah, cos this will really catch on and be a hit right?

Wing it until you make it.’

Not a unhealthy quote to live by.

That reminds me! I need to create a mantra for myself -to big myself up for my mini speech and be a credible person to work with in a work shop. Okay. thinking of a mantra…

” I AM A GREAT PUBLIC SPEAKER AND I AM AN ASSET TO THIS WORKSHOP”  – my mantra until next wed.

I’m rolling with it. I’m finding my place and it’s exciting and terrifying. I was a brilliant travel consultant and had loads of confidence a few years ago. I was good in every job I took on. I became ill again and I got up again. Never stop getting up.  I’m not about to let my side down now or ever. The one problem I do have is, there is so much I want to do but I am only human and can only work  within the 24 hour day structure. The main thing in is my mental health and physical health is good. The amount of pressure and stress I am putting on myself is not insurmountable. I’m having a blast!

P.S. no cocktails until Christmas (  apologies for actually bringing this word up as we are still in November- may I get no orange and half a lump of coal in my sack . It is time to detox the natural way. I am partial to a green tea and slice of lemon in hot water most days and the writer in me demands coffee. I am healthy therefore I must have one vice….

GRADUATION DAY and KAIZEN

What an epic day! I think it is great not to have too many expectations from people and certain events because when that event is experienced in the moment or that person surprises you with something, there is no room for disappointment.  Here is my big moment captured on video

I did it my way!

Graduation day exceeded my expectations. Free drinks. People to robe us. Hat hire (in my case) for £5! The ceremony itself was relaxed and fun. We were reminded how we struggled and persevered to get our various degrees and the challenges we fought to achieve them. We had time to pause and reflect how much the people in our lives helped put up with our tantrums every time a TMA was due. I’ve never felt so proud of myself and I’ve never seen such pride in my family’s  eyes. They spoilt me so much. I got an Open Uni hoodie and a OU graduation T-shirt with my name on it.

I was a tad miffed that my name didn’t appear on the list of the days attendees  with my degree and what I achieved. 

But all was forgotten when we arrived at the restaurant my fiancé chose for us to celebrate. What a place. We were booked on the terrace. YAY! This meant I could eat, drink, talk and vape at pretty much the same time- with a few pauses in between. The seats had pillows and blankets to take the chill away. The food. Oh the food was incredible. I had poached salmon salad  with quinoa, broccoli. The plate and portion was massive. I struggled to finish to be honest. My Nana’s steak was a perfect medium rare. I tried the almond pie and home made ice cream. I felt my self snuggle into my blanket that little bit more. The staff were remarkable. They made a lovely ‘Congratulations’ plate with home made truffles and strawberries. It was the perfect touch. I can’t remember all the food I had and tried. Olives were not oily. My other half had pork in a brioche- He said that the brioche melted in his mouth. 

It is a day I will keep close to my heart forever. My next project apart from the charities I am working with is to get 50 000 words down for a novel with NaNoWriMo by the end of November. I have a mere 7000 words!

I also have plans to help raise money fro a coach to leave from my current home base in Halifax to go to London for this epic event. PLEASE DONATE WHATEVER YOU CAN –CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

One challenge down and always onto the next. The Japanese call this continuous self improvement – It is quite an interesting back story for those interested in learning more about what they call KAIZEN

So time to get my feet back on the ground and time to reach for another star and another and another.  Oh my! My wedding is in 7 months!  La grand folie that is my life. 

That’s it for now..

Never give up -tell yourself that and I am doing the same. 

P.S. I have discovered skinny mojitos!  

Goodbye and on to the next chapter....

Goodbye and on to the next chapter….