WordPress member passed away.

Apologies for  being a bearer of bad news (again), I received a message today from a relative about a WordPress member in our community.

I’m devastated as I am sure his family are.

Paul Mc Aleavy aka Palfitness passed away yesterday.

Paul went through a lot of crap and he found a sense of acceptance in the blogging community.

He was always generous with his time reading and sharing blogs.

Paul, you will be missed.

Please pay your respects to his family.

efa87b1cb1a13e6ddd8edad58dcee694

PAUL AND DAPHNE

 

PAL FITNESS

“Fitness” is the root to success in any career!!

 

Paul came up with this award. Remember life is short and be awesome! 

chalkboard-black

 

 

Mr Willows takes over the willows

With my husband’s permission. I will let his words dominate this post. Not easy being Mr willows – just kidding. Slightly…..

No one said that life is easy, no one said that marriage or relationships are easy or perfect. 

It’s been hard for me to write about my feelings  on my blog lately,because of all the shenanigans going on in my life. It never stops, does it? 

There is a lot I want to say  before I pass over my blog to my other half. I talk and type  way to much for my liking.

We are all struggling and we are all working on our dreams. It’s easy to give up and I don’t know many people

-anyone -who has ever done this to show how much he respects and wants to know me and understand me .

I’m waffling. 

I will not hide that we have problems and we both fuck up.  I’m not proud of some of my actions or my behaviour. 

I do know that the man who is so different from me brings out the best in me and the worst. Mostly ther best. 

Usually, the men I’ve chosen  have brought out the worst in me. ( they got issues just like me.)

For the first time I can say I chose a good man and some guys have been proper knobheads to me.

I’m not making excuses for those men.

“You are wankers, no more making excuses for you. I hope you get what you deserve. I don’t know what you deserve. Karma is not something I have power over, or even wish to have. ” Daisy aka Natasha Bodley

 

I have a man who has shown me what is feels like to be loved,respected, cherished and who wants our happiness. 

Here is a man, who I get to call my husband.

I’m uber emotional. 

I didn’t know he was doing this. Our marriage has been crumbling  from the start tbh… (laughing, nervous laughter) 

I’m at a loss for words.

So this Mr Willows

 

Introduction

This is a rather difficult situation to talk about; my wife and I are at odds with each other, she suffers from a horrible illness call Anorexia, it is a controlling and manipulative entity. Anorexia has taken a lot from my wife and maybe even our marriage. Through researching this illness I have realised I will never know truly what my wife has to go through on a daily even hourly basis, So to truly understand what she suffers through I have decided to walk a mile in her shoes. I know that Anorexia is more than just restricting foods and liquids, but I aim to try to discover more. The last time I had anything to eat was two days ago (12th May 2017) and I will try to document both my physical and mental states through this journey of discovery. This may not be enough to save my marriage, but at least I will have a greater understanding.

15th May 2017

Weight: 89.7KG

10:15: It has been a struggle this morning, it is very hard not to eat when things are very automatic, the struggle with suppressing hunger takes a lot of energy and mental fortitude. My physical state is that my hands are shaking, and used caffeine as an appetite suppressant. This is my second day doing this and will try and document often when things change.

10:30: I have been aware that this illness is also about body fixation, I have been aware for some months that my inner legs chaff when I am warm; I am going to use this as a point of fixation because it genuinely makes me unhappy and uncomfortable.

11:00: Housework is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are it takes up time so you get to switch off the brain for a while and you are doing something so it takes up part of your day. On the flip side I know it is taking up valuable energy and that is going to leave me very weak in the days to come. I know it is going to be hard to hide my non eating but Anorexia is a selfish and manipulative illness. The coffee I had over an hour ago has hit me like a truck, I feel jittery and my heart is racing. I will be doing a small shop for some bits, this is going to be very different because I am no longer free to just pick up an impulse buy, I feel a little anxious about going to be far but I feel I can handle it.

20:07: The household shopping was hard when it came to doing the food part, my stomach ached so bad. I managed to force myself through it. I guess this is something my wife has to often, it takes so much energy to get through all you want to do is hide away and sleep off the hunger. It fails in comparison to having to cook for my daughter, it was hard not to pick at the food or fall in to what I have always done (cook a little extra for myself. I just want to see this through because I need to understand what my wife goes through on a daily basis. The fuzziness in my head feels very strange; I will stop if I see it going too far.

22:28: I understand why she chooses to binge on bread and cheese, right now, it is looking very tempting just to grab some bread and cheese and just go mad. I hope that I get better night’s sleep tonight   

16th May

11:34: I feel very shaky today almost hyperactive. Finding it very difficult to focus on one task when you have so much running through your head. I can see why this feeling is attractive because you get a big buzz when you complete a task, even if it is something you do regularly. I can see in my face that bags have become to form under my eyes and have a yellow tinge, I look a bit more washed out and drawn. I dare not weigh myself because of both fear of seeing the numbers change. I can’t believe how hard it is to battle with something so simple as standing on something, what I can understand even more now than ever what those numbers represent. I promise myself that this cant continue to long.

17th May

9:30: Yesterday afternoon I had a large hyperactive spurt, I was walking round the house very giddy and wanting to spin people around, this lasted for about a half hour, during this I was running up lists of all the things I can do with the business, being a success at finding work, been a good partner and farther.

So to conclude what I have discovered doing this is this, Anorexia has a lot to do with control and hating parts of yourself both physically and mentally. It takes a lot of energy to get through the day and do simple things. Managing moods has been very difficult, riding high can be very addictive and the slumps take so much away from you. The stress on the body is frightening and I have lead a very active life. Sleeping is valuable if your body and mind can rest, this is because I have found when you are asleep you are not thinking, it breaks up the day and it conserves energy, plus I suspect that when someone is in full anorexic mode they don’t have to worry about eating. To think about food is a pain, caffeine helps supress appetite, gives your mind and body something to do and the caffeine and sugar gives you something to get through the day. Being around food can kick off a lot of anxiety because all you want to do is eat, and you feel disgusted and ashamed of these feelings. It feels like you are in a constant battle with parts of mind and body. I am unhappy with the way my legs chafe when I get warm, when you become uncomfortable with how you feel, you become very fixated on that area, you notice every time you move, get dressed and when you look at yourself. Weight gain and weight loss play a key feature because upon weighing myself for the last time I had lost 0.02kgs, with how much effort it has taken, I can see this been very devastating to sufferers because the results do not match the effort that is put in, this will lead to a big drop in confidence and mood. In a final note, I have a newfound respect for people who suffer from this illness because it is a minute by minute, second by second battle with what can only be described as fighting an intruder in your own mind. I know I will never know the true extent of the illness but I have a better understanding of how I can better support, listen and what actions I can take.   

MASSIVE RESPECT FOR YOU, WE DO HAVE A STRONG CONNECTION ,AND SOMETIMES WE NEED TO REMIND EACH OTHER.

 

okay……..

I’m off.

Dealing with life 😀

This weed looks up & sees results

I think I am going to faint.

TMA 3  results back in for my Masters.

83% a high merit and incredible feedback.

Current score

  • TMA 1 62% (Script genre)

  • TMA 2  82%  (Fiction genre)

  • TMA 3 83% ( Script genre)

Here is the 700 -ish word commentaryI submitted for my  TMA 3 and the feedback.

I believed I couldn’t do this MA. I believed I was shit at writing but maybe…… with practice I can be a better writer and achieve great things.

Writing a book is less of a goal.

Using my words to change society -however insignificantly, is a goal of mine.

mahatma-gandhi-almost-anything-you-do-to-help-humanity-will-seem-insignificant-but-its-very-important-that-you-do-it

COMMENTARY TM3 Approaching script writing the Aristotelian way.

My challenge was to write a whole play in 18 minutes. I believe that there is too much exposition and would suit as a longer script. When I cut, or slowed certain dialogue-it’s original appeal became lost to a different type of play. The characters lost what made them unique.  This is where I rely loosely on morality play techniques. This story could have started in many ways. I felt it best to reveal the turning point and the how and why’s at the end of the play. It is linear and has a beginning, middle and end reminiscent of Greek Tragedy plays.

I often use a stream of consciousness technique to get into a writing zone. For scene 1, I started typing on a blank page and let characters come to my head and speak whatever they wanted.  This was how the first scene was produced. I was tempted to discard it until I received positive and constructive feedback on the TGF forum.

A possible subconscious influence for early drafts came from reading the chapter on David Edgars’ how to write a play, (chapter 2 page 17). In TMA 2, I focused on creating characters to reveal the plot and as exposition. Upon reflection, after reading the on-going debate about the primacy of plot versus characters, I think to an extent this true of, e.g., medieval genre morality plays.

Difficulties arose to make the characters more 3-dimensional when using archetypical/universal characters. I relied heavily on a strong plot to drive the narrative and the characters through to the conclusion of the script. TMA3-  plot informed the characters and their motives.

Other influences came from conversations with my blogger acquaintance, Clarissa Simmens( Simmens C. 2017) who is from Roma gypsy descendant, and my own great -grandparent’s lineage who fled the Russian 1918 revolution to live a life in the slums of Paris. The setting and background gave the characters more complex motives and inner conflict. Panacea is an old woman who was left with her second sight and not accepted by society or her Nephew.

In this world, it seems society is lured by visual aids. Vladimir was more ready to accept Eve’s gift of soothing people’s problems because of how she appeared outwardly. Vladimir is complex, he was left with third-degree burns from the 1903 revolution, lost his parents, went to live with his “strange” grandmother.

Hopefully, a writer will get a true sense of Vladimir’s character by the end of the play. He did what he had to do to survive. He is human. Flawed. He didn’t stop and analyse whether he should save baby Eve in the Revolution; instinct took over.  My inspiration for how he and Eve arrived in Paris (maintaining a high-status life during and after WW1) is taken from George Orwell’s book ‘Down and Out in Paris and London’ set in 1925.  There is reference to espionage and a secret Russian society, whom, paid people to convert to communism after the war (Gutenberg.net.au. (2017).

The music in the piece serves as a device to vary the pace of the play. I hope that the melancholy moments of when Eve/ Panacea plays will give the audience a time to pause, or at the very least, vary or change the pace of emotion.

Genre: this play is not one type of play. I describe it as experimental, immersive drama with elements of morality play themes because, the characters do indeed impart the audience with a strong message.

Humans are complex. There is a clear theme of choices and consequences.

I don’t want to ignore any doubts about this piece: H.R. made constructive comments on the language and the exposition of the piece (refer to XX FEEDBACK (2017)).   I hope that the timelessness of dialogue and language could very well take place in Paris, or indeed a modern society setting of today. My choice of setting reinforces to emphasise that these stereotypical characters still function inside time. Does Eve deserve her fate? Probably not.

Time has moved on, wars still occur yet society still seems to dwell on escapism i.e. Piano music metaphor to deal with life, dwelling on people who seem to have the illusion of the perfect life/ status. Society still struggles with acceptance of identity, race, ethnicity, mental health status etc. We’ve made advancements in technology/society but what about advancements in what type of human we should strive to be?

 

MY TUTORS FEEDBACK –I have kept her name anonymous for obvious reasons.

PT3Thank you for handing in TMA03.

This TMA accounts for 35% per cent of your continuous assessment mark for the module.

There are three parts to TMA 03:

a creative writing element;
a commentary;
extracts of peer review contributions.

Write a stage script ?18 minutes running time.
Write a radio script ?18 minutes running time.
Write a film script ?18 minutes running time.
Please state clearly on the first page which medium (stage, radio or film) you are writing for.

Your script can be either a stand-alone work, complete in itself, or it can be part of a longer play or film. If the latter, it should be structurally resolved (e.g. it might be a complete act from a larger piece; it should not finish mid-action or mid-scene). If providing a section, provide a summary of the larger project ? no more than 200 words ? situating the submitted section in relation to the larger work and offering some context. This summary will not be assessed in itself, and it won’t feature in the word or page counts.

Your script should not be an adaptation of work by another author or an adaptation of a piece of your own work which has been submitted for an earlier TMA.

This part constitutes 15% of this TMA?s grade.

Write a commentary (700 words) about the process of creating your work, the context in which it was developed, and your relevant further reading.

WHERE YOUR TMA SUCCEEDED

A Fair Wish World is powerful piece about loss, vision (actual sight and second sight), mental health and how war and conflict shapes or rather twists people.  It’s full of big ideas and you work within a very imaginative immersive theatre setting.  Also you have two people, one of whom has apparently saved the other, when it turns out that Vladimir is more reliant on Eve.  History is full of unusually talented women who have surrendered their power to a man (Doris Day’s third husband was abusive and stole her money, Billie Holliday was permanently attracted to abusers).  There’s a link here to the depressing litany of young women and their exploitative lovers, so this theme has a timeless resonance (although Vladimir isn’t a villain).

https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/the-music-industry-men-who-got-away-with-exploiting-female-pop-stars

There is an interesting piece I’ve linked below here about Peter Brook (he’s 91!!) and his latest production – how stripped back and bare it is and how for example a single piece of cloth can represent several things, eg a piece of cloth is twisted into a snake at one point.  This is, in my opinion, a true sense of live theatre, where the audience invests their imagination as opposed to being passive observers – as we are a bit with television. (Also it keeps costs down!)  So your idea of the immersive, promenade production is a good idea as well as showing that you are using the medium of theatre as fully as you can.

https://dctheatrescene.com/2017/03/31/peter-brooks-vision-battlefield-stage-kennedy-center-review/

All the characters resonate, but none more so than Panacea (I’ve got this image of Coco Chanel in my head) and Vladimir, the Russian aristocrat.  Panacea because of her contrasting powers and down to earthiness but Vladimir because it was only a few years since the entire Russian imperial family, the Romanovs with their five children were murdered at Ekaterinburg in 1918.  The British royal family offered mealy mouthed excuses for not offering them shelter but the real reason was they were afraid of a similar revolution in England, as I’m sure you know.  I read the play a couple of times before I read the commentary, so I wasn’t pre informed. I really like the way that Eve can ‘see’ certain things and how when her sight returns, it becomes a curse.  You may to have to indicate this quite strongly to the audience but it’s a bold and exciting idea.

CONSIDERATIONS FOR THE NEXT DRAFT

I have a few suggestions for the next draft (and I really hope you continue with this play).  Firstly it would be to add some more movement to scene one it as it’s currently a little static.  I’m wondering if Eve could get up from the piano and be doing something – getting dressed perhaps in her evening finery?  Panacea could offer to help her lace her boots or maybe at some point she could loosen Eve’s corset so she can breathe or brush her hair?  You could even have Eve trying to find things which have been placed among the audience – depending on whether you want the audience involved or not.

(I recently went to a promenade production of ‘Jane Eyre’ in a stately home.  At one point, the actress playing Jane had placed the sketches she was going to show to Rochester on a piano and an audience member was leaning on the piano without realising.  There was an awkward un-Bronte moment as Jane tried to yank the sketches from under the audience member’s elbow!)

Because Panacea comes across as a slightly mystical character who just shows up, I wonder if she could be slightly earthier, in contrast to Eve’s more romantic language.   She does have some lovely moments such as her laughter over how useless mirrors are to her, but as much of the play is between her and Eve, and she is a magical creature, perhaps making her the more down to earth seeming would contrast more brightly with her supernatural gifts.  See my L4 comment.

In the final scene there is quite a bit of explanation and it feels just a bit squashed.  With maybe ten or fifteen minutes more you could find a way to blend in the back story a little more but I understand the difficulty of covering an entire play in eighteen minutes.

Overall, I think you’ve written a big, brave play, which tackles big subjects.  It has flaws and needs some development but it’s part of your development as a writer that you take some risks, and personally, I don’t think you can really tell whether a play has legs until you’ve heard it spoken out loud by other people.  But I’ve read it out loud and it packs a punch.

You’ve probably already heard of the London Playwrights Blog but if not, they publish opportunities every week.  There’s no substitute for

http://www.londonplaywrightsblog.com/

COMMENTARY

In your commentary you discuss the process of writing the play, in comprehensive detail including the difficulties, and with references to course materials and a commendably large amount of outside reading.

As this is an MA, a high level of both analysis and presentation is required, and your presentation is fine here.  It can be helpful when you are sick of the sight of your script/story to give it to a trusted friend or at least leave it a while to give yourself some space.

You don’t have to agree with course or outside materials, either, just show that you have reflected on the ideas within and show how they might have affected your own creative choices.    It’s also helpful to explain briefly what you intend to reflect on – such as characterisation, structure and dialogue (maybe picking one area you feel confident in and another where you may feel less confident).  Your tone is good, in that you are aware of your own style and what you are trying to achieve without adopting the I-have-achieved-a masterwork-and-now-I-will-reflect-on-aspects-of-its-awesomeness. Instead your tone is curious and questing and always willing to learn.

Thank you for the peer group references.  You have always been very active on the forums.  Also your references are very good.

I’ve given you a high merit for both the script, and the commentary, an overall high merit pass of 82%  As mentioned, scene one is a little static, and the final scene has a slightly ‘expositiony’ feel, but these are very fixable.  What I would suggest now for the script is to read out loud and perhaps workshop it as the most difficult bit is letting it out of your head and into the mouths and bodies of actors.  You’ve done really well Tasha and taken risks with your writing.  Well done.

If you have any questions please feel free to get in touch.

Kind Regards

MY  TUTOR

I can’t believe it’s Easter already. This will be the first Easter where me and my family don’t go and see my Gran in her care home. I’ve mixed feelings about this.

I don’t get to see my gran – 😦

I don’t have to go into a care home this year 🙂

credit to all the care workers out there who deserve a hike up on their wage. We should invest gratitude and time and resources to the people who look after the vulnerable people in society – in my opinion- of course.

We are all going to my Ma’s house on Sunday (family tradition). Gran will be in our thoughts.

How do other people celebrate Easter?

Happy-Easter-300x182

❤ Daisy xoxo

Sadie

Swollen lips pricked

send a  trickle of blood sauntering down her pale leg

Treat her with fragility and she may open up to you -with vagile virility – trust in her own common sense.

Let her tease you into bed, out layered by peels of laughter.

you could find yourself lying up looking at her naked body, legs astride,   in your bed.

Don’t try to stop her from controlling the ride. When Sadies on top you best stay on her appealing side.

All reason shuts down – arousal highjacks all senses.

Amygdala orgasms – her hands guide you to let down all defenses.

Light strokes vary speed and pace. Controlled movements-surrender does he when he glimpses bits of skin seen through playful lace.

Cleansed and tainted all in one dance of sensual explosion.

Sweat, red cheeks,   clothes abandoned, sheets ruffled into a mood of confusion.

Discard thoughts of pain numbed by oxytocin released from incarceration.

Eye to eye contact -Sadie’s initial taunts inspire events such as this cheeky body adoration.

Whispered petit amours, hairs raised to embrace all sensation.

Blood whips into a frenzy – the body climaxes into a bewildered orgy of elation.

Beating hearts enthrall Sadie to linger. All mighty mother nature – gave us each blessed finger.

Sadie gives when she feels she can un-ribbon her mask of distrust.

Not many have broken her hymen soul – merging adoration and lust.

Needs fulfilled don’t ask her how it was. Look into her eyes, see her smile, her face will not betray her mind.

She doesn’t have to answer with praises of technique.

 Trust in yourself that Sadie has tasted the best delicacies she can find.

Tongue provokes once soft nipples – get it right and she will let you know if this entices her.

Spontaneous love.

All time suspended from her world,

you may lose yourself,

 entangled in limbs.

She doesn’t need your confession – though she smiles at the gesture.

She knows your lip service is filled with the original grace of binding hymns.

Sexual creatures come out of hiding when treated with respect.

Learn to appreciate art and learn to appreciate a woman.

Learn what is and isn’t a subject.

Study her and she will catch you out when you least suspect it.

She can conjure up a fine table in a laboratory with you as her primary object.

She was endowed with gifts of pleasure and seduction from her first breath.

That look, you wonder – what could she be thinking?

Maybe you unwrapping her with delight saved her from an eternity of slumber floating face down in a river of Styx death.

*Inspired by Gustav Klimt’s  ‘ The kiss’*

Perspectives

If shades came in pigmented blues

Would the world recognize the significance of color as opposed to hues?

Would living in color stop it’s either this or that?

Would gray get a chance to convince us to investigate?

Would crashing into a slick  navy

crude and  lost at  sea,

Inspire old fashioned candy knots to carry us all back to safety?

If black wasn’t so noir

Would fashion dictate less to those in the savoire?

Would flags become less patronizing?

and white flags more entrancing >

A hue is a hue by its very name

A color can decide to change and play  – a child-free game.

Rich in reds and rich in Green

 Would we see who indeed profits from wealth – would we want to change this scene?

Would hearts come together under a purple strewn night? 

lovers take pleasure in dancing in the rain and seeing each other in a different light?

Emotional attachments are often aesthetically pleasing

only to the one who is eyeballing the muddied one’s  high pitched squealing.

Clarity of light sought in souls and not in places of a questionable heaven.

admirers eyes to skies

solid legs still rooted in the ground

unifying all genders of brethren.

How wealthy we are  to have  a landscape of color

Don’t ignore its beauty in the search for another.

 

 

jjj-2017

WORD PROMPT ‘BLUE’   HEAD OVER TO LINDA G HERE

 

 

Heart blush

Words … my brain hasn’t the capacity to express what you have done to make me feel whole.

You love me blindly – kiss me fiercely. Tender hands – your love never dims or folds.

Oh, sorrow. so may sorrows I have bestowed upon thee.

and yet, you still sought to find me.

I never knew I would ever feel…

love

Grow.

It’s a backdraft of silver outlined in glow.

Words, fail to express – it all comes across as sans-esque

I look at the man you have become. I see you through the eyes of clarity.

Rose tinted glasses were never my thing. Maybe other boys looked better in blushed gallows – less grim.

I know you, I love you. I respect you. I suspect me. 

Is is because I gave you such a hard time? 

Or is there truly one soul mate for us in this endoscopic world in mime?

How can this feel so right yet so wrong?

Cognitive dissonance – never felt so omnipotent and strong.

I love you. I am in love with you. Thank you for never letting me go.

These words falter…

..my hands move to type in  slow.

Hesitant, all I want you to know is….

… I know. 

I know.

 I’m shouting stars of praise across the Pleiades milky way. 

You are the man who will give our daughters away.

You are the man who will help set our sons on the right path.

If they become half the man you are – then songs will rip out of my heart.

I didn’t expect any of this.

I pushed and I pulled and indeed I still impulsively resist.

Two stubborn pairs – what a conjuring affair.

If I lose you, my love – indeed I don’t think I will make it to despair.

Whatever happens,

wherever our paths go.

Know – without you being a part of my cosmic. Darling, I would not have had a capacity to show I can grow.

*For my husband, this is really hard to publish, my husband knows me well. I am complex, sarcastic, loving and bloody awkward. It’s about time I expose my feelings for him. It’s such a lame poem -I haven’t done this man justice, I’m cringing in my sappiness. I don’t express love well in words  *

The Subvertist

*featured image photo credit-Francesca Woodman, Untitled, 1978 

It’s not every day one receives  recognition,

So thanks, Ramjet ye olde poetic punk for this solid admonition.

I love your writing style and sudden denouement friends,

If god should save anyone it should be those who seek to live for alternative ends.

I nominate those who welcomed me into their fold

2nd star to the Left, straight on ’til morning
Brave and Reckless
Howl Davies
Fallen Alone
lois e. linkens
Malicia’s Malebolge
Max Meunier- Dissociative Void
Mick’s Neon Fog
Private Bad Thoughts
Samantha Lucero
The Dirty Limerick
The Hero’s Inferno
The Lithium Chronicles
The Writings of Jasper Kerkau

Idle this journey is not- when we realize true énouement of breaking free from the mold.

Acceptance and humbled – I did not foresee this weeds place in the garden of life.

September 2015 – I turned  my face to the sun and bloomed, a unique individual, with  valid petals  to share with  society;

my heart need not bleed by stabbing it with a knife.

Opened up myself for all to see – vulnerable and strong -I took a risk and said this is who I am.

That leap found me on the other side, looking back -in relief,

I realized that nobody need accept me – I already had found within me – my most loyal fan.

Don’t hesitate, hit publish and know that you can.

God send the haters and their thoughts into a file befittingly named spam.

Inspiration can come from the experiences and people who we must never worry ourselves with that they never gave a damn.

Be an outsider, don’t conform to the norm if it doesn’t balance out with your body, mind, and soul.

You won’t stand alone for long.

Flip the anarchic bird and keep strong.

 Self-belief gravitates towards others who have a similar goal.

THIS IS MY ACCEPTANCE IMAGE   FOR THE BLOGGER RECOGNITION AWARD.

My favourite  painting of Wassily Kadinsky. I first discovered his work in 2005.

That is beautiful which is produced by the inner need, which springs from the soul.

Wassily Kandinsky