Buy ding time

So many people watch and talk about those who they under estimate. By all means watch,

And learn.

Maybe you will learn how to deal with one or two of your own issues

A perfectly flawed Daisy Willows

I let us down?

Shadows betrayed with a mere glimpse of a frown.

No words can express the guilt dictatorship governing me

It’s not a cop out. I know right from wrong – I know this plea

Manipulations-sucked into the vortex

Epileptic fits, child crying for a place where dinosaurs indeed exist in the mix.

Buying time while losing our minds.

Insanity led me to insist this was the shortest cut to a state of perpetual eutrophic times

Heart attack — Jack missed his usual target in sundry extrapolation.

Too much — too much — afraid to not have enough-

Threats

once choice I  have  to have an abortion

…..or an abortion.

 

The value of life against a three digit number

is not worth the risk of  another loosing sanity – Look at that temper!

Fuelled by selfish, ridiculous acts in  percussive persuasion.

Sick of hurting the good ones in the pursuit  for a place in time where we are  not struck down by  our own damnation.

Heightened emotions — rouged the face of her grace .

Head  rendered poisoned by the one with the  latex face

Queer sighs — teary eyed.

Worth all this anvil chorus  shrieking out implacable aural instigation

The fear if a god had its grip on me – I would take the whip out on my vice with attempts of self flagellation.

21 days

my soul betrays all sense of balance –

5 years of drudgery for something that has less weight than a heart.

Lost in that maze of procrastination  — buying time — throwing out another seasonal  line.

Fear – it will run out-plans mystify my usual organised self — maturate until all evidence  of ejaculation is collected by its DNA component to outsmart.

Happiness leads to an oasis  dried up well —

See that camel over there?

she’s my final hope for a sip of redemption

Unusual  for a vegan to murder an animal for a quench of innocence-how far I’ve fallen —

two points away from extinction

Madness runs forever in a contortion

Fucked if I know how to talk sense into a cross eyed mass of exhaustion.

Pillage me for I am running low.

All thought out plans left in the bloodied soulless bodies of Russia’s war in winter snow

Front line-I cower-there is no courage in the how I dished out my packable blow

Left in a quiver — screamed by the knock of confrontation at my door

I do. I do I do..

If not for myself but for the one who I look to

amazed-

I observe it as one would in a zoo

Rueful

Meaning to be dutiful

This reflection is the antithesis of beautiful.

How long can love last?

when the tokoloshe is cross examined for its  denied  attempt at buying its time

or trying to convince that biding echoes are indeed in the indefinite past.

 

 

the Cull

giphy (5)

Composure show your best face

Daisy don’t make it hazy – leave out the ‘just in case’ can of mace.

Three announced pregnancies delivered in one week

One Stork wraps a cord around emotions -trachea.

 Manipulation in search for a vein

hooked up intravenously

suffering from a bout of the sickness days gone by,

bleak.

Day spent prodding a familiar corpse

Lavender eye shadow caked on.

An ex-hookers heinous crime of remorse.

Blend in shades of elegance, class cuts above diamonds

-less valuable than the African  Congo.

Kleenex tissues – repentance from deeds of liberation.

 There is closure in this hymn

that is how sacrilegious people turn as quick as the wind doth blow.

New chapter.

ink spilt

No more drama.

Welcome to the real world -energy in motion kinetic.

Some call it Karma.

Squeaky clean – naked child of the nugget -Midas the king.

Bronchial Bengal licking furballs off her skin.

Arthritic tail.

spots and stripes.

Don’t leave me, Madam.

wailers of bandits ready for the first of half a dozen fights.

Interrupt the flow 2 kg of feather dynamite

incredible.

How does this writer get away with posting anything credible?

Animals on the uprise.

No more, humans.

Determined by free will.

Save our earth from true predators.

A life is a life,

a loss is a loss.

no one gives a toss

don’t matter who involved in the kill.

Overspill of copper coil excreting from a vulvic cave

Great expectations.

Pompei disaster – a necessary tragedy to inspire the seventh wave.

counting on all hands and fingers

I fear I’m not the only one.

canned laughter emerges in the background.

Playground vacant.

Trashed children abscond to the house occupied by Delirium’s son.

Emotion packs a punch in three

washing machine forgets it’s own no spillage codified key.

Rage -crimson flag.

Blood spill.

‘All hail the Spanish bull!’

Gunshots fired -the loss of the human cull.

Grief lapses in streams of nonsequential dreams.

it’s obvious what unravels when we are pulled at the seams.

Mind score.

Damp music sheets obscure the cup of the holy grail.

Green lights flash.

Don’t hesitate -before long you won’t be able to walk

it’s a condition in frail.

life and Death lie,  spooning- side by side,

build the bridge

equality in each parlour

you seek to ride.

Scared crows

murder the last heart blackened by holding on.

The injustice of the furies coup

bow your heads in shame,

You are not the only ones who suffer.

Time to sing a different song.

 

 

Eyeing up one juggler’s plight.

You can judge. I know for a fact whoever reads this hasn’t got their shit together.

Just cos it’s legal don’t make something right.

Is this about me? does it really matter?

The things that shouldn’t matter are those that can be blown away.

something I heard in another context – and thought it was a good way to start -hear what’s I  have to say.

Walking into this district I sense I have become the new kid on the block.

Meant to have my shit figured out.

Fought my impulses – fight them every day.

hoovering powder snow to try and write eloquently isn’t as high as most of my goals and dreams.

Achieved.

I think I know best. My head is torn in distress.

you don’t think I know it’s a lose- lose sitation?

rationalising with the equivalent of a 5 year old hooked on candy.

It’s like that.

It’s just like that.

Jazz notes -lingo quotes- inspiration- I’ll meet you halfway  at the  bypass

dead

line

one, I’ll be just fine.

Cut with the equivalent of moonshine.

Goddaughter reaches out.

We need to stage an intervention.

Parents do no good they have got no sense of next hours conception.

Sleep for days

not perfect myself in many ways.

Fighting to be the winner.

Sunshine shining – never will I dimmer.

Should know better.

This writing is juttered and stuttered.

 drip.

drip.

tap.

tap.

 I fought and I thought I had won.

Yeah, that’s why my face reflects the masked one dubbed

Mr glum.

Nobody to bounce ideas off –  not even another chum.

Mommy and wife represent some kind of order in a world declining into chaos.

It’s not like I even want to be famous.

Ever want to just body jump ?

Leave your entire body- not focus on the increased weight or the mind fuckery?

The thoughts circling by a roundabout – clearly missed the nearest take off.

Others can do this and have the creative gods bestow them with gifts of words in charm.

Me, I critique myself while I write these words

belittle my sense of self and um..

yeah, drugs never been my trip .

I took the long trek and.. well. I’m the Hyde to our friendly monster shrek.

The first  to instigate the last to try.

What set me down this path. I ask myself why?

prolific innit, what self-medicating  do.

Sarcasm in eloquence

makes for a terrible scene of ageing ninja’s battling out shapes resembling the art of Kung fu.

How I’m gonna win when I’m pissing against the wind?

How to metamorphose  from caterpillar to butterfly back to some babbling brook or a slug with a mean right hook.

Straight at ya.

Let’s get back to flying,

instead of skydiving.

Extreme.

Catastrophism.

I know better. I’m  blushing in embarrassment at how I never fail to submit to my own demise.

Loneliness get to me – it don’t mean I am alone.

I don’t know how to be with people

In the moment.

Maybe I’m a narcissist –

unconsciously claimed a stake to the faker’s throne

then;

why do I feel so much for people at times and my heart cries out in passion with wild emotions?

Give me hugs, not drugs.

Don’t wanna get fat and live a life looking at an endless collection of hats signed in mercury -underlined with

yours sincerely,

the cut that poisoned the rat.

I hate drinking

I hate smoking.

The only thing that ever made me feel I belonged was ecstasy in motion.

Pleasure came effortlessly, I rushed up to the skyline

driving on the highways

in time

when that song peaked

dropped its beat.

Look, I never said I was perfect- flawed in a every way.

Google says ask me anything?

How about a drug dealer that doesn’t cut his merchandise with a 1/8th of vim

The world in bleach.

tye dyed

not groovy with the hippy that makes the cat’s cover their ears when it screech.

I write better when my hand don’t shake, my mind don’t get the Paras .

 Thinking with a heart and mind free from sin.

probation talismans.

I’m  the one with the unwanted, sunshade wearing guardian angels entourage.

mother

bear knows me too welL.

How?

shouted her down – giving me grief for ringing to my own bell.

Nah, I confessed. No point in lying.

I’m not ashamed to admit I fuck up, got caught up in the wrong cycle,

don’t mean I’ve gotta hang myself  out, get the starch beaten out of me while I’m drying.

don’t mean I aint gonna give  in and stop trying

to walk the line.

May wear a tie,

suits me does success

maybe, next time.

These eyes look into the eyes of  an innocent child

I hold my head in shame – this mustard ain’t mild,

I know why I changed and that is why I am not going on an extra long spin

Even when I squint my eyes, I see my standing position is on the side of those who win

DAMN.

* inspired by a conversation with a random human

Found: Inner Panacea

*only you can decide which oddities are worth keeping or eliminating some most definitely are worth keeping- the ones that make you feel alive keep- the ones that make you feel ugly and insignificant -discard*

TIP  FOR  A SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT:

Expose

Detox

Eliminate

Cleanse

 repeat regularly. 

Bonjour tristesse, I leave you without a second glance.

6hours to go until a new dawn greets me with its fiery dance.

No amount of Moons ago,  could I  foresaw this trip to  such a  bodacious planet.

Lavender dreams interrupted by the need for a bubble bath to cleanse my soul,

enrich my palate.

How it  leaves me in stark clarity,

 other daisies grow wildly in meadows.

2 am cleanse off- eliminate others’ unwanted worries and troubles.

Herbal tea infusions – a meet up with friends who know about life’s true haggles.

Comments intended to cut to the core.

Manage to lick-up   one salty tear

begging for more.

A soul is awoken when it faces all directions.

Never blind yet always courageous to evoke dear affections.

Common goals shared by trolls made by the same finger pointing corporation

Pity those who continue to live not a decade but over half a century in miserable devastation.

Hot water filling a tub – a sauna to enlight.

Voices

You are “divorced”, a drama queen, I only wanted a  shag.

It tickled your delight to dangle carrots when I was newly married

you are most certifiably unbecoming the state of inner jihad.

I’m  having fun acting in a workshop.

That accent is dreadful I can sign you up for electrocution elocution lessons.

Don’t mind me having a gas- the whole purpose of improvisation is to get involved.

 Don’t use me as a pawn for fear of being put under your harsh self-imposed scrutiny.

You are ugly.

 the biggest topic under dissection in a house full of self-confessed millionaires.

All those beatings, and  Sangria holiday hangovers yet,

 still, no permanent fix for happiness to last longer than a child’s joy at the penultimate of funfairs.

Three perfect lessons in all that is wrong not  with me, but with others,

who can’t equate strength alongside vulnerability.

How can it be true that the two run side by side like rivers?

 merging into one ocean of clear waters.

Confucianism arise in accountability.

No one can possess opposing characteristics!

 She does not conform to why we hate her

so, now we must turn up the  gas lighter

 justify our vexes and vehemence to assure we are credible witnesses, to attest, this Red lettered calamity remains  hidden,

 In dead carcasses.

Oh, Shame!

we shall honor you and remain her loyal Foe.

A few written words, at an ungodly hour.

I’ve never been one to conform to another with power.

Time is up, my bath tub is run.

Imagine it freestanding.

careless in an era where it is encouraged to be eccentrically unique. cartwheeling in a  quest to not only live and work hard,

 remember to have fun.

*inspired by toxic people.

Daisy, how can you just assume it’s other people who are toxic and not you?

Well, I say it takes one to know one.

I know how to be toxic, I’ve been toxic and I know how it feels to live away from toxic vibes and people. *

loop of mankind

When I think of the word History, I think – ha ha!

No- erm….

I think of all my experiences.

I think of all the times I never listened to others, all the adventures -risky and dangerous -that I took myself on.

I think about where I am today – or rather how I think about my personal history.

I find it useless to blame my parents or ex-partners or people who abused me at whatever age- not because I don’t think they had an impact on some of the decisions I made in life.

Some people were held accountable either by the law or good old karma and others went and still continue to go through their own life shit.

I can’t do anything to change my history. I can’t make a person talk me  ( I can try to and have done) or love me or want to know more about me.

I find the more I rag at my past or people in my past – the less productive I am in my present life.

When I come to terms with say, a childhood experience or heartbreak/betrayal and  I decide to forgive (not forget);

I’ve seen how this conscious act to look ahead instead of looking backward has helped me deal with my past, in unexpected ways.

Classic example:   I was very hurt about the relationship I had with my Dad for many years and then, when I decided to focus on how I could try and move our relationship forward, Life found a way for us to have some kind of relationship.

He lives in Africa. I’m in the U.K. and I really love those silly IQ tests /knowledge tests on Facebook and so does my Dad!

 It’s our time together. It’s a way I have found to get to know my dad, have a laugh, feel connected to him and it’s helped me see my Dad as a human.

 I have been able to talk with him  on skype and let him see who I really am- Who I have grown up to be. I’ve had the uncomfortable ‘I don’t know what to say’ and worked through it. 

This is just one example.

I think if I had carried on being on the offensive – not being contact with him and thinking and feeling whatever it was I did, I don’t think I would have some part of my Dad in my life today.

Should he have reached out? I’m not even going there.

The point is I know how to reach out to people, I know I’m in control of me.

I don’t always get it right.

When I think of certain people and situations I’ve caused or found myself in- I can be confrontational and maybe those people aren’t ready or in a place to be a part of my life in a way, I want them to be.

It’s hard for me to accept other people’s choices.

 I don’t give in.

I’m stubborn.

The people I make time and effort for in the past or now- I do genuinely care about these people.

Eventually, I have to respect that not everyone wants me around or likeS me or …..who knows what they think!

 So, I have to suck it up – cry, refocus my energy and live my Life.

I don’t forget these people.

I often want these people to succeed even the people who made life hell for me.

The people who tried to bring me down – one  example,

At my hen do. I was looking good, my mental state was great and I felt good about me and I had an energy around me. I invited a bunch of friends out and one of the girls who I met through a relative – made the remark

” You’ve put on weight haven’t you”  

My mates were horrified knowing how far I’ve come with my issues.

 It took a couple days for my rage to kick in. I had it out with her and then I decided this girl has a LOT of her own issues.

Her life hasn’t been easy and isn’t and I’m not going to fall for it.

So even today, I big this person up. I encourage her to achieve dreams. I’m not best mates with her!

  Fuck, I’m not stupid. ha ha!

I need positive people around me.

I just realized that she saw something in me that maybe she didn’t have and it’s easier to try and bring a person down than be happy for someone.

Not everyone is on the same level of thinking you and I are on.

We all have a narrative, a past, a history. We deal with ourselves 24 hours a day.

Sometimes we try to escape from ourselves,

We drug ourselves to get away from ourselves.

Be it with sugar, food, cigs, weed, prescription meds, alcohol, crack, spice, legal highs, extreme sports, sex, porn, money.

I’m glad I’ve had people run me down in life.

 I’m not ecstatic about it but I can see the benefits of it – looking baaa ack over my shoulder…. ( like the song)

I am a person who is genuine, I have empathy, I filter my judgments, I forgive, I set boundaries, I reset boundaries.

I know what I believe in- what I am passionate about.

People do still challenge me.

 I’m  an observer and I ‘ve learned how to respond to certain types of people. Some people need to be spoken to how they speak to others.

If someone doesn’t get me -I’ve learned there are many who will and do.

I just put myself out on a limb and it feels like torture but I hang in there -until I’m just about to give up, then somebody or something comes into my life and reaffirms what I believe in.

I’m not saying my beliefs and values and the way I live are right for everyone but they are right for me.

I know what I need to work  on and I do ask for help.

January is coming to a close –

no more Just January Jots.

 

 

I’ve enjoyed the word prompts. I never know what will come out of my head.

 

It’s sunny and I have lots of work to do and I’m feeling optimistic, scared and determined.

Thanks for reading

 

Janus of global slang

Inspired by lyrics – it’s not exactly physics.

Big boy –

little boy – atomic bomb decoy don’t come across as coy.

Paranoia looming over -like a shadow with no owner.

Scented thoughts hanging outside on the line of laundry –  drying out, pegged up,

  sketchy – out of the ordinary.

The demise of senseless beatings – the savage frolic in secret meetings.

Can’t keep my eyes open – Mind is wired to sense alert token.

Add a word to the vocabulary list. Reading made up stories can’t get the gist.

Thinking of all the times I’ve reinvented my speech

just so folk wouldn’t turn away

mistake me for a blast of mist.

Solar plexus, libra – balances my ails,

 if vaccines worked would I even need this skeleton tail?

I’m proficient in scripted fulminate – A non- believer has to have a reason to detonate.

Terrorized by bones on hinges, pelvic oddities, a face grappling on the fringes.

Uncertainly – you can do it! Mascot duty – you blew it.

Evey day the output becomes more – input audios in a  fervescent roar.

Fading into a numb place slowed down by brain freeze swimming in a shoal  – no empty dregs to fill my soul.

Restricted by my own limitation – Hear me when  I say I’m not doing this for inspiration.

What to do in a world knocked into  askew?

Nondescript, blinkered – all-seeing eyes – know when to usher in the seasonal yule.

nonsense, no sense, prop me up – inhale oxygen and don’t give up.

Against my better judgment – I’m imploding from the inside.

I had it all figured out until I became a seeker in need of washed out make -overs from dead flotsam at low tide.

*Inspired by internal conflict and the world.* 😀 

sizedimage.png

Sensibilise

Did I miss something?

I know people talk about having the blues, the Monday blues and motherhood blues but there is a day assigned to recognize,

Blue Monday!

Who came up with the concept to celebrate a day of woe?

My thoughts: people who want to capitalize on our misery. 

Pharmaceutical companies, people trying to sell us comfort kits or whatever.

I get the whole statistic thing, that it’s the third week in January and financially big organizations and businesses are feeling –  mainly pennies no freshly printed notes.

Can, I just put out it on here -that Monday has been the best day of the week for me, out of all the Monday’s in January.

Why?

I didn’t focus on my money situation, or if people liked me or if I was anxious. What made my Monday bluesy – Jazzy – full of a spectrum of emotions:

is seeing my Grandma.

Yes, she still has Dementia, she still is bedridden, in a care home but she is not on death’s bed, not in pain and she has been taken off palliative care.

I made her laugh – more than once- just being me!

I held her hand and I  felt a bit sad, nostalgic,  thinking I should do more.

Wondered about certain people I LOVE  who I only get to experience one dimensionally.  They are not here anymore.

Monday was blue and pink and yellow and it was a Fun day – it was ONE day of my life.

It wasn’t the saddest day of my life or the happiest.

I love the color Blue. Don’t dress it up and mark as a negative.

We are capable of feeling.

Yes, feeling and responding to others.

We are capable of making connections with others because we can feel and empathize.

What a gift!

Pain, feels like Niagara falls coming down on me. I love watching it. I’m in awe of its power. I don’t like feeling it. It does transform me and is a natural part of me.

Just like being happy is, angry, comical, loud, quiet, bossy, friendly, energetic, sloth-like.

I’m not into blue Monday.

When I feel the blues I listen to the blues.

This song (when it first came out) caused people around the world to commit suicide.

I find strength in this song. People have looked at me and thought ‘she must be deranged’ to find any beauty and comfort in this song,

I do.

I don’t feel driven to kill myself when I hear it.

I feel less alone. I feel like I’m not only one who has shit days.

Smurfs aren’t sad?  or is it the magic potion they drink that gets them all bouncy and energetic?

I don’t know.

I do know people place a lot of expectations on feeling a certain way because there is a day assigned to feeling shitty.

No, thank you, my moods are not controlled by the media and whoever else comes up with these ideas.

I deal with my emotions – every moment, every hour, every second.

I don’t get to leave to my mind.

If I’m feeling alright on a Monday -no one is going to tell me I should feel differently.

Just a thought on this cloudy  Wednesday.

Looking forward to Friday – not because it’s  the weekend. I never stop working!

I’m going to meet up with friends I haven’t seen for 8 years.

 silly poem alert.   

If you feeling the woo of the blues

Take a pint of milk from the cows that cheerfully moos.

Don’t despair – feelings change with random flair

Enjoy the sunshine in your heart, don’t hold up a wall that says beware.

Life is full of ups and downs, smiles and frowns

It’s okay to feel this way. No-ones escaping life with ‘ I faked it better’ crowns.

Remember when you feeling down – you are never alone 

Support is here when we are transparent and make ourselves fully shown.

Ha ha! Lame, I know. I don’t care.

One small rant:

This has been going around the social media websites.

From NHS Director to mental health inpatient in 10 days

AAEAAQAAAAAAAAgzAAAAJDllYjc4MGJiLTdiZmYtNGI5Zi1hZjcxLWFmOTk3Y2Q2YWU0Yg (1).jpg

CLICK HERE TO READ HER PERSONAL JOURNEY

 

I’m so happy this person has found the strength to come out and fight against stigma, with the experience of being at the top of the hierarchy in dealing with mental health, and now,  having insight into how it feels to experience severe bad mental health.

By all means, I applaud this woman.

If the title caption had been ‘from  HOSPITAL CLEANER  to mental health inpatient  in 10 days’

what is the difference?

Who is more important?

Both make a significant contribution tothe U.K. health service, do they not ?

Just saying…….