Tag Archives: self expression

Death rattle

* This a poem that I wrote whilst waiting and comforting my mom and my gran before she passed over in March 2018, from vascular Dementia and Alzheimers. I wrote it while waiting for her to let go of Life. It’s a Morbid (and possibly strange) thing to do when someone you love is dying in front of you. This was one way of expressing my powerlessness, over a period 3 days watching someone cling on to this Life).*

Death rattle

Reminiscent of an uprising of crickets ready to battle.
Stare at a puffed updiamond heart
Drumming inside an empty cage.
Birds ripped apart.
Gargoyle stares ignored.
Folk bumble about unaware of what’s in store for us all,
eventually.
The breathe of Hades lingers
then makes a dash for scant flesh and bones.
Meat is not this gods instrument
Lust causes the call for more drones.
Sponge, moisten parched parted lips
Raven signals the ire of its whips.
The ones who don’t loose it in bedlam excite
Death,
Invites all loved ones to rally around
Stands by door.
Stands back a while
Admires its own power.
A moment to savour
Every door closed,
Each breath cloys,
Begs for enough fare to cross the distance to embrace Elysium air.
Today everyone shall know how close we are to parting from brown soil.
Lambs,
Hatched chickens,
Babies born in Cumbersome air.
The cycle must complete before we can emerge reborn.
Death is inevitable as necessary as life is to the Cumbaya of springs first show of petal.
When you look at the beginning of this new dawn,
Know that when you stand back in awe
Its because you have felt the chill of winters soul depart.
Shed a tear for the snowman who brought our youth so much joy.
Appreciate death.
Stare it in the face.
The sun chants
counting his rosary beads.
Tomorrow never dies.
Trying to type something while listening and watching my grandmother dying.
Rasp
Gasp
I support the assisted dying law.
This is inhumane!
A selfish farce.
Happy mothers day,
Wherever you go
Wherever you roam
I hope that it is a place as magnificent as earths revellers make it out to be.

Ma petit fripon. Je t’aims toujours

 

GOAT Feature interview with Hessian

 

I first came across Hessian’s TOLD YOU-on Soundcloud. I find most of the tracks I’ve listened to of his are transcendental and epic (it wouldn’t fit out of place as a backdrop to a movie.

 

 

Hessian is Bristol based electronic music producer. His music is an infusion  of  enigmatic textual soundscapes. Some of his  music has been likened to Bonobo ( ninja tunes records) & Maribou State. 

 

Who is Hessian?

Matthew de Souza (aka Hessian)

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What (if anything inspired) ‘Told you?’

I like to build a solid soundscape before I start arranging anything and this is exactly what I did for ‘Told You’. Once I had got the sounds I was looking for I then started to arrange. A lot of the inspiration came from the vocals I had previously recorded. I love messing around with vocals as they can provide textures that no instruments can.

Where are you from originally?

 Born in Twickenham, London. 

How old are you?

28

 

Why do you live in Bristol?  

The music scene in Bristol is amazing and everyone is so welcoming where ever you go. I live on one of the most vibrant roads in Bristol, there is always something exciting happening.

Yeah, The Bristol sound has been quoted as “possessing darkness that is uplifting, a joyful melancholy” 

Random fact:  Trip-hop band, Massive attack member/graffiti artist  – Robert Del Naja hails from Bristol.  

 

 

Why do you continue to do music?

I have always been a very creative person and music seems to be the perfect outlet for my creativity.

Music helps me express myself.

If for some reason I end up not composing/producing anything for over a week, I  can definitely feel the difference in myself not being able to release that creative side of me. I am also very interested in finding new and unique ways of making sounds. I don’t think I will ever stop making at least some form of music.

 

 Have you had another career that wasn’t in the music industry?

No not really, I have always had other small jobs to support my music but never another career.

When/What made you start playing music?

I went to a music specialist school and so from that point I had always been interested in it.

 

 

14. How did you get started in the music industry?

After learning the basics of music at school and then music technology at collage, I then went on to complete my degree in Creative Music and Sound Design. From here I learnt about the industry and gained connections enabling me to start my career.

What kind of people connect with you and your music?

 Looking at the statistics on Spotify/instagram and other social media platforms. The majority of my listeners range between 25 and 40 year of age. I think this is because the sound I try to portray is slightly more complex/intricate than your standard house music.

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What genres of music do you like/would like  to perform in?

I love to DJ the entire spectrum of electronic music. Taking people on a journey I personally think is very important when performing live. 

Do you write your own music?

Everything I write is my own work.

 What other roles do you play in the industry?

I make a lot of sample packs and background music mainly to help pay the bills but the more connections I can make, the better.

What are you trying to do in the industry?

I have started my own label which I hope in the future will be the hub for all my releases, maybe even some other artists. I don’t like the thought of contracts which essentially gives away the ownership of my work. I want 100% of what I have made and starting my own label is the best way to do so.

 

What are your view on mental health issues and the music industry? 

I think mental health plays a huge part in every industry but especially the creative industries. The expectation to perform and provide for audiences/fans is becoming more and more demanding and there doesn’t seem to be any more help. Fortunately I have been lucky enough not to experience any mental health issues myself but I know a lot of people that have and it makes a huge difference on that person even when doing the smallest of things. It is different for every person but I think in general it isn’t addressed enough and more should be done about the issue.

Indeed. It seems you have used music as a positive creative outlet.  

MUSIC MINDS MATTER     is a charity for UK musicians /artists mental well being & is worth checking out.

What is your favourite quote?

I don’t actually have a favourite quote. I feel when having a favourite ‘something’, you tend to favour that way of thinking and so I like to leave my mind open and just see what happens

Yeah… I liken it to a “mini” prayer or mantra & I can see why you take such a strong stance on not having a favourite quote. 

What quote/sentence would you say best describes you and your music?

I always struggle to describe my music. I would probably put my music under ‘textural/ambient deep house’. Something like that. Most of the time I just end up showing them and letting them decide.

What are your 3  favourite songs ?

Fwoooah, tricky one. It changes almost ever week as I’m always finding something new that I like. But at the moment I would have to say:

  • Apollo by Tourist

  • Sonnen allee by Ben Bohmer& Hifi Brother (and finally I recently went to see Deadmau5 which brought a lot of love back for him so I’m going to say)

  • 4ware by Deadmau5.

What is your perspective on the current state of the industry?

I personally think that the music industry is one of the most dynamic and adaptive industries out there and if you can stay on top of things and keep with the times then everything will work out fine.

What do you think will help the industry survive/what do you think the industry needs in order to stop its decline?

The only thing I think the industry needs is time to adapt. There is always new companies and start ups pushing new ideas and the full transition form analogue to digital will be a long process. I have no doubt that the industry will survive. The decline will stop once everything else adapts.

 

 Finally, what are you currently working on?

I am currently working on a new 4 track EP which features a selection of singers. It’s a lot more clubby but still represents my sound and style through the vocals chopping and textural elements.

 

Hessian’s new EP has dropped. 

 

SPOTIFY

Trail my Sole

https://youtu.be/RPS-Cq4uMFs

 

 

I followed that trail
my underbelly led it to a rock
Semi Submerged in seasick emotional flotsam invading my inner core.

What to expect?

Great waves crashing down all rage.
Great waves licking at my ignorance.

These once still waters bleaches out the silent promise of a future sapling tree.

Astrology serfs over destined seed in future sprout.
A reveller over imbibed on a sea of nostalgia

Caught up in the ebb of the past
Questioning this quest within.

Shirk off Encouragement’s reflection of this monstrosity.

The seeker detracts all light
Preventing it from bursting out into a blooming melody of melancholy.

Hushed by the primal scream of inflammation.
A shout
Unravel this life – its pathetic parody.

Self-doubt over spills
I see Antarctica.

It isn’t sole Lee fish from the Abyss leading ours to a final resting place.

It’s all about
Me
Me
Meme

Pronunciation vows clear
Lee clueless to his commitment.

Vagabonds vogue
Postering frigid between two sparring states
Hell is bitterly encrusted under layers of hot ice.

This Casual Tee
IOP[UHcaught in the middle of a fight or flee.
Its position caught in the middle of stagnating breathe

Overhead speech bubbles crystallise an outline of security.

*To be continued… 10 more pages to edit.  🤣😣.

Mr Tut Tut

I thought I’d succeed this time .

I’d die reciting poetry under my favourite duvet ..

Perhaps listening to music.

Nearly ended up sectioned .

Making the most of a new day.

No serious damage except to my ego.

I’ve never felt so ashamed at failing to take my own life as this attempt.

Why ? Cos I’m still fucking here.

Apologising to people for not wanting to be here.

Time to keep going.

Moving to a new home is a priority..

This house is a poltergeist.

It feeds my need to keep bleeding.

Tired now.

I love my husband

My mommy & daughter.

3 good reasons to state that I’m

Still breathing.

If you wanna switch off you could

I threw it away

Not realising I would come to call it my most favoured crown.

Fascinated seeing my self riding waves of the guilt

drowned in salt tears of rumination to the hilt.

letting mom down

all my fam too.

Those who truly love me.

There are but few.

Hot damn! That’s better than cool.

Gave self-destruction a permit to ride out a course of self-flagellation

decorated in sleuth

The truth hit me oops upside of my head

Discombobulated -I saw the truth.

I let myself down

I deduce.

Take me back to my roots.

Be nt over crooked

wrung my hands for people who haven’t left my life

Yet

Anticipate gloom & doom.

allow these drum beats to perform

my body afloat

on cloud nine singing cheerfully to the staying alive tune…

Regrettably, I’m responsible for this present predicament.

There goes a fully armed disorderly platoon.

One setback

folded like that grieving widow.

She had a reason

I still have an abode

I’m not a widow.

I’m down on my knees & up off them almost like it didn’t happen

Stood defiant still feeding an outdated superstition

of other motives

This is my prison.

Trust in people

Risk my heart

Yes, It didn’t go my way

This was a time to not fall apart.

A glimmer of hope I’ll grow strong

again

Make mirth and merriment

not misery & disappointment.

I have only one person to blame.

I disappoint myself over and over again

then Surprise myself by what achievements I continue to create.

How am I to play this next move?

escape to another alternative reality – never to bloom!

Or talk about my feelings -is anyone listening?

Cos they have, what is the problem, strewth?

facing all that ‘I feel fat’ STUFF

Makes me wanna holler hey you, cat, scat!

Look me in the mirror & be proud

of my deeds for seven consecutive weeks.

Nor ask my loves to keep turning another cheek.

I’m ashamed.

I am to blame.

I have to fight

My mother is alright. I mean my mother is right.

This half-hearted escape acts

attempts on my life.

attempts to self-harm

They come & they go.

If I can keep this train of thought

the cravings of self-hate might go

come back

less frequently…

Perhaps I will still hold on to some of my dignity

or become a statistic…

We all end up a statistic one way or another

What statistic do I want to come under?

Now there’s a question to ponder over.

Words are my moonshine

When you  feel you’re hanging on the vine,

Remember- a seed push forth a mighty sign.

You must  take the sunbeams and treasure what’s thine

Wild Kansas City is but one destination on the sign.

Take hope, light and lose the animosity,

for inside  you, there is no monstrosity

Get caught speeding in high velocity.

It’s not a train smash —  nor a catastrophe.

When you’re stuck in the middle of time.

Jump off the fence ‘cos that’s doing yourself a crime.

Don’t you let commoners  think your words cannot define,

Your value, worth and dreams are not benign.

Take it from the apple tree

He allows fruit to aid in his victory.

Oh don’t, hide like a willow tree

Cry, but remember you have a destiny.

Everything will start to — lookup —  allow the clouds to throw some shapes.

Open  them wide , mind expand — understand the lessons from life’s true greats.

You’re already one them-slightly chipped — still most valuable of porcelain plates.

Never doubt  what you can do —   take a leaf from natures golden ratio

You radiate when you guide the fates.

Lets’ lasso this  up and keep your spirit wild

Grow tall — never lose your inner child.

A silly poem  to spread to the crowd

Accept her quirks  — light-hearted, silly sap —  never lose a day when she has smiled.

*I Iwas inspired by the song ‘This little light of mine’. live, love, don’t hold as grudge. Remain true to who you are and you won’t stand alone for long.

 

 

i

 

 

 

 

Coalesce

Don’t give up – don’t give in.

Eyes discover you bloated- vomiting up your own sin.

Brain chess- pawn after pawn is taken unjustly,

Black equality doesn’t matter – cognition will conquer what it desires lustily.

Ivory conquests – impure from the acidic bile.

Caffeine alert – simulate all senses –   the target is common -the biggest bargain ransom.

Flogging a dead horse to a blind, muted soul –  cognitive dissonance –

child sings ‘Out comes the sunshine’  in the disguise of a bloomed blossom.

Wasted life.

Wasted wife.

Wasted mother .

Wasted father.

Wasted land.

Travesty lurks spoof like

 We know it is there

 Feet kicking, hiding behind the sofa, giggling childlike thinks it’s invisible.

Unchain my heart.   Hostel bed sores – shine a light on our plight – save us from This saw hand, marked fallible.

Man-made – pharmaceutical drug lords inject a lethal dose of synthetic Gamma wave stationary by product.

Profiteering – collateral damage – no name – no existence mere condensation trickling down a viaduct.

Fight for your life- for your consciousness .

Throwdown the tools of self-destruction

 only ashes to see here

Phoenix bird eloped with the Dodo bird in Act two.

Aristophanes’s – Greek tragicomedy – bawdiness.

 One character stumbles along a plot that emerged in the opening scene of the frenzied laughter (offstage)

Tame that harlot shrew.

Glasses askew – brightness dulled by 1960 tranquilised   blue smurf salesmen.

What do we know of consequences?

When we seemingly have found an answer to a long-held problem of delirium tremor flashbacks from war apocalypse rehabilitation stint-

Take 911!

Hurry or we will need another corporate shaman.

Worry not – reverse psychology.

Worry a lot – trust in the depth of raising questions in philosophy.

I write with no answers,

intelligible at times.

Wondering how to get back to a well-educated mind

who knew how to rationalize.

splitting images

 There goes a notorious caricature of her former self –  ignoring traffic lights and all her accumulated speeding fines.

Slow-release.

Hat trick

Card trick

Fear of bats

Watch the finest disappearing act,

coalesce.

Sadie- F*** Pillow talk

Be the prick

 Be the swollen lips

Be the trickle of blood sauntering down her pale leg.

Treat her fragility -with vagile virility – trust in her own common sense.

Let her open up to you

Let her tease you into bed, out layered by peels of laughter.

Perhaps you find yourself lying up looking at her naked body, legs astride your torso in your bed head.

 

Don’t try to stop her from controlling the ride.

Sadie’s on top

you best stay on her appealing side.

 

Reason shuts down – arousal highjacks all senses.

an Amygdala orgasm- hands reveal the disguise no pretences.

Light strokes vary speed and pace.

Exposed to surrender at near glimpses of skin covered in see-through lace.

Playful

Cleansed and tainted from the dance of sentients

Sweaty, ruddy bare cheeks,   clothes abandoned, sheets ruffled into a dazzling fusion.

Eye to eye contact  threatening on impact

Discard pained thoughts numbed by this oxytocin released from incarceration.

Sadie’s initial taunts inspired events such as this audacious body gratification.

Whiskers of petit amours raise to embrace all sensation.

Blood whips around a  framework

 Frenetic climax into a bewildered orgimi of elation.

Beating hearts enthral Sadie to linger.

All mighty mother nature – gave us each blessed finger.

 

Sadie gives what she feels can un-ribbon her mask of distrust.

Less than few broke her hymen soul – merging adoration and lust.

 

Needs fulfilled. Fuck pillow talk.

don’t ask her how it was.

See her eyes, see her smile, see?

Her face won’t betray her mind.

indifferent to praises of technique.

 

 Trust that Sadie’s tasted delicacies never  to discover again

Tongue provokes once soft nipples – get it right.

 you will know by instinct if this entices her.

 

Spontaneous love.

All-time suspended from her world,

You may lose yourself too

 entangled in limbs.

Sadie need not hear your confession – though she smiles at the gesture.

She knows your lip service is filled with the original grace of binding hymns.

Comely are those creatures features when treated with respect.

Learn to appreciate a woman.

Learn to appreciate art.

Learn what is and isn’t a subject.

 

Study her until she catches you out

Especially when you least expect it.

A conjurer of a finely dressed tables

in a laboratory with you as her primary objective.

 

 Endowed with abundant pleasure

A pinch of naive seduction

That look, you wonder –what could she be thinking?

 

Maybe you’re to busy having a good time to think.

 

Maybe she stops mid-thrust  curiosity aroused

Out loud you hear  -What are thinking about? 

 

Maybe you fill  her with expectations

A moment of  temporary heady delight

A moments reprieve from her  slumber

 

 Facedown  femme fatale floats

Parted lips

Over Imbibed in the river of Styx.

 

*Inspired by Gustav Klimt’s  ‘ The kiss’*

Shrouded Sun Screen

*photo credit Francesca Woodman, Space2, Providence, Rhode Island, 1977, © George and Betty Woodman*

‘Always wear sunscreen’ – comes from a song.

Wisest life advice I’ve ever heard?

‘Don’t read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly. ‘

Quoting like I’m toting.

Screens -Scenes. Teams. Streams.

Rhyme it out until I get an inspiration to scream.

I Love screens. What to watch?

 I never wore sunscreen.

I went under the artificial tan beams when I hit the isle of  Blighty. Cancer, I probably have.

The world is full of it. Boasting in its insidious arrogant fashion. We can’t slip away from any malady.

Life is a parody.

Stage screens. Projections. People hustling and bustling about in the form of shadows.

Cue: Audio – people chattering, laughing, Christmas jingles pop out like a pack of Pringles.

‘Once you pop you can’t stop’

Stream of consciousness interrupted by my very own human Bee.

How you doing ? – A total Joey from the series ‘friends’.

 

Beware of enemies posing as your bros and sisters. Cut out cardboard – fake, one-dimensional – prankster – inanimate.

Politics have got me in the corner of a boxing ring, cutting teeth on my mouthguard.

Betray my thoughts and beliefs when I mention the pantomime that is crawling underneath the flesh of America’s skin.

I don’t want to share any posts on this farce. Spread more hate and give more time to something that makes me want to spew my guts out.

 

Angry on behalf of all that is left of humanity.

The stupidity line is growing longer than the start of the poverty sign.

One screen dividing the people and oh wait they are all in the same queue.

Branded – I can’t stand it.

 

Fuck Kim K and K west and all the KKK’s and the rest of the Hollywood bandit Muppet crew in folly land with extra zest.

All lives matter. Seriously?

I’m about ready to pack my bag with the bare necessities. Head out to the jungle and live life with my true fellow earthlings.

If I could grow fur, I wouldn’t need sunscreen.

 

What the hell are we humans even doing here when we can’t even adapt or evolve in our natural surroundings?

Destroy, conquer, divide- it’s a woeful stuttering thought.

Soon we will be paying for the air we breathe.

“Water is not a basic human right” Just a thought from Nestle.

Stop polluting what was given to us.

Stop changing the screen to the scenery you want the commoners to see.

We are dying.

 

Hairdresser fed up of listening to other people moan. She applies for a job to treat people in a morgue.

Silence.

Now you listen to me!

We all need to talk even if it is behind a screen – a mask.

I’d rather bleed from my eyes than cover my true feelings, opinions, and thoughts.

People can laugh. I don’t care.

Scan my soul  and I will pass every scripture criteria to go to anyone of your chosen heavens.

Arrogant?

Perhaps.

I reflect what I see in others. We are but mirrors of another.

Despise me?    Something inside me resonates with you. What are you hiding?

Drawn to me?    remove the smokescreen – brave soldier-admits and refuses to deny that we all share common dreams,

feel similar emotions.

Have days when it’s all commotion after commotion.

I scream – a throwback to the bairn I never intended to wean.

Heartless – that would mean I am aimless.

I’ve had my eye on a spot. That takes more heart and commitment than spouting out hateful, denounced rhetoric.

 

Chloridic.

Grief- ridden, sick chick.

She should have grabbed the knife.

She should have locked the door.

She should have put more clothes on.

She should have done the cha- cha- cha.

 

Would it have saved her?

Polo – life mint- raspy breath in need of sprightly death.

It’s fun to dream. It’s even better to live it.

 

Wear sunscreen?

Protection –  duty to our children- the ones who love us.

I say be reckless -not with others hearts- but be a part of the movement to dine with the  Ming dynasty, hovering somewhere above, a local art museum, in some loco town down in  Acapulco.

 

The song I was on about when my thoughts were rambling.

Hashtag all “crazy” Words matter

I’ve been thinking about the words we ( I) use, (perhaps flippantly) at times. Without really thinking about the meaning of what we say to describe a person.

An example?

Crazy.

My 8 year old daughter uses this word to describe anything / any person who seemingly comes across as alien or eccentric to what she doesn’t understands about people’s behaviour & words.

Continue reading Hashtag all “crazy” Words matter

A muse in Patron

It don’t matter how many selfies you take.

What matters is if you can accept your own mirror reflection.

No time to flinch.

No time to hesitate.

Free to stride across abundant valleys conjured by a sweeping imagination.

God, when she weeps!

I collect her tears.

Covertly

Thankful for the martyr,

My patron muse.

Crystallized an abundant array of gifts .

Perhaps it is a silhouette…

Perhaps it is a rainbow’s smile illuminating intrinsic hues…

These words could reveal Science’s stuttering staccato voicing his love for nature.

For all her might

For all her brute

Which one is Beauty?

Which is Art?

What if you believed the sky is indeed blue?