Muse on the run

 why have thou forsaken me?

The only God I ever thought could fulfil and denounce all insipidity.

Creativity- my muse. usually, I type -words flow not perfect but in some sense of verse.

Can’t swallow – I’ve been cursed.

Another person knows the truth – think I want to go back up the birth canal first

over thinking rhyming words – music, hoovers, the energy is far from an ideal haven.

Look above, hear the wings flap – a freak migration of the black wings – inaugurate the raven.

All exercise comes from my smile –  I’ve packed on the pounds frowning lines overused, flex around my mouth.

flex around my mouth.

Drop dead. A blow to the head. I’ve lost it.    Muse? ditched me to become a stitched up cowboy down south.

Swallow guilt in packs of threes.

Music to my ears -guilt shake me, blood seeps out -donation date in arrears.

These fears.

This rage.

doubtful mind -caution mindfully what you attempt to incite.

Confederate  vocabulary union matched up on  a strike

No more smiling faces in sight.

Each word resigns – there is nothing left to type.

No tears pouring down his face. There is no moisture to wipe.

Studpity rots the brain

no more stories when a writer runs out of grain.

Shadows – I cower away . Shadows induce carbon monoxide attack

Clamp down on every thought – seize all my gear-leave me with not one solid fact in tack.

Sincerley ,

the writer who dunnit

SOS!

Sometimes it’s not the people who actually know you -who want to see you succeed but I know when I started blogging on WordPress, I found a supportive community of people on here.

Sometimes it takes the people who don’t know us to see something in us that others can’t or won’t.

We are live!

La bella bijoux Ltd is online!   LOOK HERE

This is the start of a long and hard and remarkable journey.

I have so much to learn. SEO blah blah

I’m getting there

PLEASE  can you like my business facebook page

LA BELLA BIJOUX FACEBOOK

FOLLOW me on instagram

Share my Blog post on WIX -PLEASE.    HERE

Today, I have drafted scene two of my TMA 3 – Omniscience – about a girl with second sight.

I’m about to get ready to get a train to do  Week two of the Drama workshop I am on.

My Bella made her own jewelry last night. In 20-30 years times, it will be vintage and Retro. ha ha!

I will catch up on all the study material etc on the train to Leeds university, I need to catch up on.

I found out over the weekend that in May 2017 ( if I pass)  I get a post graduate certificate in the Humanities.

AMAZING.

Thanks for being so patient.

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Unhelpful Prohibition ban

When in doubt or clouded by fear, I communicate.

How you communicate is less important – write, talk, draw, paint, act, dance, create, do anything to express yourself in a way that promotes a healthy mind and your well being.

Heard of the saying: Write to recover?  I do this all the time.

This is how I dealt with today’s unhelpful thoughts and emotions this morning.

I feel you looking at my face, wanting to see it crumple – leave a salty distaste.

I feel you making a mockery of me by playing on my fears, wanting to swallow me whole-see my goals run into arrears.

I feel your idle bones creep and finger down my spine, wanting me to body jump, do justice to my shadow self -engage with a sardonic crime.

I feel you urging me to split in an 180-degree motion, wanting to leave your signature in the air. apocalypse 2017 style,  obtuse firework display.

Future appropriated by an indent eerily hanging in a feckless grin scented with rotting seaside -once a place of value in its prime.

These are my goals, my dreams, my choices. You can continue to dance in ritual, with odd bones, contrast black disguised in a beastly carcas- throwing out chanting voices.

I will cross from the stark white to contrast black. I know that gray matters vigilante’s courage will aid me in reaching the other side of the fog-drenched in echoed noises.

Mist, hurricane winds, cows moo-ing past in circles, the pressure to unveil my true self is marked down in these words I type in small spaces.

Don’t forget to inhale and exhale, life can’t move if forever enclosed in the darkest, somber of places. 

Doubt, Overthink, Overanalyze.

I think therefore I am? 

Scrambled, boiled, poached, deep fried, my mind waits in watch for its own demise -it will overthrow itself, find itself sunny side up. A successful conclusion and coup with my own prohibition ban.

I did it!

 I have expressed myself – in a way,  I feel less unsure of myself. I have released toxic energy from my mind to allow me to break through the fear and move on with my goals- Ongoing and new ones.

Fear or Goals.

I can only have one.

I choose my goals.

Objectives to reach my goals:

  • Continue taking responsibility for my physical and mental health. I’ve reached out to my doctor and asked to be put on extra supplements to make sure I’m feeding my brain and body.

  • Continue to be a mother to my daughter, I am not her friend- I am her mother, She needs me to encourage her to try out new experiences- starting this week. We have ongoing goals to persist with to help her become the best person she can be.

  • Continue to challenge myself, educate myself and learn new skills and techniques for my work life, volunteering life and my academic studies.  ( I’ve already written three drafts of 3 completely different fiction pieces for my TMA 2)

  • Pursue and engage with my goal to do an 8-week Drama workshop because I know what I will get out of it. 

  • Take time to have fun and laugh and do things that don’t involve me working all the time. Socialise, plan time out with my husband and friends, blog and connect with others. 

  • Take a break from social media.

  • What other people think of me is not my concern, unless I have a direct effect or influence on these people. Other people are not allowed to take my energy. I will not give thoughts or energy to those I can not and will not help.  I’ve already committed my time, thoughts, feelings to projects I want to.

That is it for today.

I have a new keyboard so I can finally type and write and blog and comment on blogs -YAY!

 

 

 

If you didn’t know…..

Morning Bloggers!

It’s been a stressful year, survived – again! I received my results for my first TMA for my MA .  I’m currently going through my options and rights as a student with the institution I am studying with. I can’t really go into  all the details it at this point.  I have received an unofficial  apology and have been advised to take it further.

I will say: I won’t be bullied by anybody.

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The themes I write about are close to my heart. I will fight for an  official apology , I’m not so sure about asking for it to be remarked-although other people who have read my work and, understand stage and theater  and the issues I raise say I should demand a remark.

 For me, it’s more about the principle. The people in my life who know the full story of what has happened (especially those who  have seen the comments) which don’t focus on  the academic side of my writing (and who work in the mental health and vulnerable  sector in my community)  are furious on my behalf and are  horrified by the ignorance displayed the person who marked my paper.

I have all the evidence and support to take it further, I just need to make a decision.

I will keep you updated on the outcome.

So, on a more positive note I have been nominated for the SUNSHINE BLOGGER AWARD by Megan Elizabeth Creative Imaginations card-flowers-daisies-thank-you-card-flower-chamomile-thank-you check out her random facts page. She’s based in Chicago!

THE RULES

  • Thank whoever nominees your blog – Me in this case! 

  • Indulge yourself and answer any questions you feel happy to answer

  • Spread  that radiance to some other awesome blogs to keep the light shining brightly.

  • Use these questions or make up your own to ask your nominees

  • Tell your nominees that they have been nominated. 

  • Put your preferred logo award on display . I chose this one. 

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Q&A TIME

Which decade do you miss the most?

I don’t miss it because I wasn’t alive at the time. I do feel drawn to the twenties. I love jazz, I love the bohemian artsy fartsy-ness of that time, politics, and art movement that brought so many creative and eccentric and bloody brilliant  minds together. I hate war but I love the culture  that grew from such an inauspicious  time.

Yes, I love the decadence- ignorance is bliss -for a brief moment. I love the lingo, the dancing, the style, I love all of it. The struggles during the war which is a stark contrast to the early 20’s.

I also have always loved Rap/hip hop. I had to know every word of Snoop Dogs lyrics. I do think he promoted his brand in a  sexist  manner but I love his smooth, humorous and effortless way of rapping that doesn’t come across like he wants to start a war. It was about the Fedora hats and Pimps – it wasn’t meant to be taken too seriously but everyone has their own interpretation of the music and the culture that grows from a genre of music.

 I do wish I had been around when disco and hip-hop emerged in the late 1970’s and 80’s. I  love Grandmaster Flash, Mr. Hollywood etc..

 I appreciate how  important music is in forming a culture and how it can divide and bring people and communities together.

 I was a rave bunny, a mosher , a skater girl, a raggamuffin.

I love all music.

I love writing.

I love poetry.

I was a part of the E  generation of the nineties. Alcohol wasn’t a popular drug to get high on and I saw a lot less fighting and a lot of different sub -cultures come together and accept each other for their differences.

To which poet do you feel most connected to?

Charles Bukowski and Sylvia Plath -(didn’t think much of her novel ‘Bell jar’ ) I do love her poetry.

Your spirit cartoon character/TV show artist?

Erm… My latest love is ‘Reign’ – just finished binge watching all three seasons and I love the politics and the scandal of that era  and I love to see queens kicking butt. Queen Mary of Scots, Queen Elizabeth Ist rock!

How has your blog helped you the most?

I get to write and people read my posts and get me! What more can I ask for?

I ‘ve made some awesome connections through blogging – It is a great way for me to express myself in any way I wish.  This blog and the people who support me have seen me through some crazy and turbulent times.

I nominate  -(I know some of these are award free blogs but I feel you have been a great support and ray of sunlight in times of need, whether you know it or not)

 

I think I will stop there

THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BALL OF SUNSHINE !

SUNSHINE WILL FOLLOW THE RAIN 

Nora bayes 

 

Do I get a star?

Discipline is what is required to receive the Masters of Creative writing.

To be perfectly honest when I am told to do something- I just want to be a bit of a rebel.

Shout out  a mega –No!

 My spirit kicking and fighting.

Word of the day.

Absurd to think I don’t even know if I have started to go gray.

Vanity.

Simply vanity.

A neutral  medlem of society.

forget the bloods and  the crips -it is we who are the true calamity.

Word of the day.

Can I just willy Neigh  Neigh?

September,

September is coming .

 Or as they say in Games of thrones –

Winter is coming!

It is on this isle.

I must write every day – stretch my brain – like- candyfloss.

Chewing on thoughts ,words to use,to make this an epic  – poetic -nonacademic,   empty  sweet wrapper to toss,

In the bin.

Environmental awareness is   ever so hip and positively in.

For how long, though -we are a fickle lot ?

Where to place this word in my head?

Scooby doo comes to mind,

Daphne,

Blonde dude and who was that other  one?

He had  a hell of a time conquering his phobia – which turned out to be his career – catching the rising dead?

I’ve heard of challenging yourself but what’s his name -seriously needs a new career counsellor – open up a burger joint or smoke one.

Daisy doesn’t condone drugs , in fact, I am the only person I know that can’t smoke the herb due to the whiff of  paranoia that is unleashed from my sensors –

I become  that buxom lass who lost a few buttons on her blouse and finds herself – ahem  unsexily undone.

I can assure you – it is no fun.

Books, so many books to read………

If only I could inhale books as much as I can inhale food like mead?

Well , drink, eat, whatever- you get my drift……

Oooh, that was spooky.

Did you feel that ice plummeting temperature drop ?

It left with the drift.

on its way out,

 I think it whispered boozy I mean breezy .

Did it just call me a floosie?

Goose pimples,

do not want to make me show you my dimples.

I’m being frivolously  silly, I do sincerely  know it.

I’m having a ball!

In an earthy , grounded way of course. Go  get into my extra ,bespoke,  vintage flow kit.

Dapper!

Flapper.

Starlight scatter!

I want to live in a world where everything is just, Darling!

Okay – this is getting ridiculous.

I’m sure by now -you are pulling out possible gray hairs,

rolling your eyes,

spitting out  ‘time waster’, snarling.

Okay, folks, I will put you out of your misery –

I recalled the name of that last  bumbling, ghost hunter gang banger – my mind is no longer scuzzy.

Are you ready?

His name was Thrummy.

Why are you laughing ?

 I know my characters!

Shaggy was the one  who did all that banging on the  bathroom room floor – butt naked I might add.

I say let it be.

It sure as hell wasn’t me.

I wrote something.  I come bearing gifts…..

 YAY!  THANKS ALL! 😀

giphy (10).gif

thrummy[thruhm-ee]

adjective, thrummier, thrummiest.

1.

of or abounding in thrums; shaggy or tufted.

DICTIONARY.COM

 

 

24 hours

Today- the present.

If you read what I refrained from posting yesterday, this will give you a clear perspective on how our thoughts and feelings change constantly. I wasn’t going to to go out yesterday. My feelings on how I  was feeling was that I was being  all very ‘woe is me’ and I  had a ‘doom and gloom’ outlook.

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Such an unproductive way for me to think.

 How did I get myself from my bed to out and about and carrying on with my life?

  • I COMMUNICATED.

  • I talked about my worries.

  • I explained my anxieties.

  • I spoke to my Mom and My G.

 

Mom’s great advice was

“You do not know what the future holds”

“Live for this moment”

My four year old daughters advice was this:

” Mommy, I have a good idea . Do you want to go to Asda with me and Daddy and then I can ride the bull/ car ride?”

 Here I was worrying about so many things. I should have been getting excited about getting married.

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I  know I am not  the only person  who over analyses and catastrophizes things. It’s a shit mind set to be in but I do work on it.

Catastrophizing is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is. Catastrophizing can generally can take two forms.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-catastrophizing/

I have really missed doing my volunteering. I’ve been so focused on the wedding. I am so happy to say that I have a chance to co -produce and facilitate a mini workshop for Healthy minds at the end of June.

It is in connection with the OPEN MINDS PROJECT.   – that Raises Mental Health Awareness and helps to fight against reducing the stigma around Mental Health issues. 

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Fingers crossed!

Please send me some positive vibes. 😀

 

 

I get the opportunity to help Healthy minds   do a mini -workshop ,to help  raise awareness around how    parents can  manage  Depression and Anxiety, in a  more holistic way. The other  aim of the workshop is to also sign post people to organisations where they can access help.

I may share a very small part of how I  personally handle my mental health as a parent.

I’ve got a meeting on the 27th June.  The wedding will be over and I can get back to doing something that gives me a sense of purpose.

What a difference a day makes!

I’m so glad I used my care plan and my coping skills yesterday and pushed myself. I can 100% honestly say that when I came home I felt I had accomplished something. I paid the bills, I went to Asda, I popped in to see a friend. I had a chance to laugh and I got to spend time with my daughter ( in the U.K. it is half term holidays.) .

If I had shut myself down completely and said no which is what I initially did. I wouldn’t be feeling like I feel today.

PushYourselfWeb

I will post details of the workshop in a post  as soon as possible.

24 hours ago –  My mind state. 

As you lose your youthful Strength,and your body acquires a “more lived in look”, meditate on your true self, your essential consciousness. Body consciousness has no place in your thoughts. You are old enough to know what really matters.” UNKNOWN.

You would this I had this one quote sussed already, right?

WRONG!

Yes, I look more mature these days, I’m getting married and I have a beautiful spirited child who gives me more joy than any drug or party  or person ever did. I’m turning 35 in November.

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As many people say:  I have come so far.

I have cheated death more times than the luckiest of cats.

I’ve gone from a 5 stone , skeleton to a 10 stone toned person full of child hearted  playfulness , a life, friends and  love.

What comes after marriage?

YOU MUST COME OFF YOUR MEDICATION DAISY! IT IS ADDICTIVE AND YOU DON’T WANT TO CHANCE ANOTHER CHILD  BEING BORN WITH WITHDRAWALS FROM PRESCRIBED MEDICATION  DO YOU?

No. Of course I don’t. I was  put on these meds to drug me into staying on bed rest.So, I didn’t burn off more calories when I was ill and severely Anorexic in 2005 . I also use them too hep me eat. Sometimes I still get anxious when I eat and after I have eaten.

One part of my eating disorder that hasn’t disappeared.

I do love food. A great anxiety reliever for me is exercising (in moderation).

I’ve been on these meds for over 10 years! Along with other medication.

I’ve spoken with my support  of a reduction plan at my own pace. I am up for it because eventually  we want to extend our family but today  I have suddenly been struck with the blood of a lizard.

Pale and anxious.

How am I going to cope without this shit that keeps me okay?

G  is an epic Dad. He deserves his hockey team.  😀   -(He is  not getting a Hockey team)

I haven’t touched cigs since my Aunt died of Lung Cancer in February 2015  but I am still addicted to nicotine.

I E -VAPE.

I can go without alcohol . That is not an issue for me.

So on these terms and as I stand today, what kind of start would I be giving our child (if I can conceive) ?

It is not  good enough.

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I’m trying to get my career back.

Since I have been focusing on the wedding, I have stepped away from volunteering and I feel a great loss in my life.

Volunteering and training in various courses was my career and still will be until I can get FULL  TIME work to pay the bills and maybe even take a holiday.

My previous pregnancy was a disaster because of the place I was in at that time.

I am utterly terrified of my body changing again, I’m afraid I won’t get an easy labour now I know how it all works and feels.

So do we wait a few years?

I’m less likely to conceive as each cycle goes by.

We want to move to  better place. A place we will be happier.

There are no chances of any accidents.

I am responsible and have the Non hormonal IUD fitted in me.

There are so many quotes about trusting your heart and not your mind. I yearn for another child. I want the chance to be excited and be a life  giver with a whole new outlook this time.

Time is working against me. I wouldn’t worry  so much if I was in my 20’s.

I looked up 50 great reasons to get pregnant. There are some gems in there. I never felt my Bella Bee move as she was snuggled behind my placenta.

How shallow does this sound.

I want another girl.

I don’t know what is up with me. I should be happy I have a family already.

I am.

I am scared of  having regrets too.

I am scared that I have a limited chance of conceiving again.

I am terrified of losing what I have (including control of my body)

I am angry that I worry about my body when the bigger picture is the miracle of life.

So I should know better.

I don’t want to go down the IVF route.

I’m not to posh to push ( gas and air will do)

I don’t even want to carry on with this post because I get so emotional.

I’ve never been great at planning. Impulse has always been my default mode.

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TEMPORARY FEAR MELTDOWN

 

 

THESE ARE ALL  THE  THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I HAD RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND YESTERDAY.

Today, I am not magically fixed.

I may look like I have my shit together and most days I do.

I am also a human  being who has thoughts and emotions just like everybody else.

I just  choose not to hide the fact that I have bad days.

Why should I?

 I am not saying it is easy to shift Depression and Anxiety. It isn’t.

Finding  Good coping skills  and using them are the key to helping  you manage yourself .

  • It takes time to find healthier coping skills. 

  • New Coping Strategies take practice

  • Be kind to yourself.

  • Remember, whatever coping skills you are using now, you have probably used them for a long time.

  • It will take time to gain confidence in using other coping skills.

  • There is no time limit on change- it is constant.

  • Be easy on yourself but try and find the balance to challenge yourself too. 

  • Know where to access help 

  • Ask for help

  • Establish and use a support network .

  •  Consider making a some kind of contingency plan like WRAP

Marching forward

Okay, so I have had a day to chill and do what I want. The problem with shutting down and taking myself away from the world is the motivation to get back in it.

Am I  alone here?

 I lost interest  in doing the The a-z challenge – Brutal honesty as always folks.  It’s not because I don’t love my animal friends. It’s just something I need to work out in my mind  of how I am going to tackle it.

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I’ve not given up entirely.

I woke up later than usual and I’m thinking to myself.

I have lost my vision.

I have lost the ability to write/type. 

All creativity is gone.

I’m scrolling through my emails.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL NEW FOLLOWERS THANK YOU!  I’m not usually so fucking morbid.

Yeah, so, I am scrolling through my emails thinking

do the  a-z challenge it is something to write about

Then another thought,

No, don’t be so flaky, Daisy. The challenge is in  addition to what you write not a reason to write

I am waiting for my coffee to cool down and am still in

the ‘aaaaarhgh I have to wake up’ zone.

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I see a comment on my Daisy in  the willows welcome page. This obviously intrigues me.

VERY HAPPY TO ACCCEPT MY NEW AWARD   from itsgoodtobecrzysometimes

No not the Liebster award

or

The versatile blogger award

but a kick ass

Spirit animal kick ass award –

(I am truly grateful for ALL  awards and shout outs . )

I feel like I have been shocked back into this world, out of a indifferent coma, by a defibrillator. It does feel like I have taken a bullet to the head.

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MUST BE AN EPIC WARRIOR

The sun is

blazing , burning bright.

It feels like the world is giving me small signs to stay the course.

Keep on my path and not lose hope.

Okay, I took one day off. I did a kick ass gym session today. Doubled the energy and upped the momentum.

Grey skies have turned blue.

I have been blessed with help from my family to let me have some away time  from all humans. I’ve got people in my corner supporting me.

I have all of you supporting me.

I may have been out of action for a day but I still have people who read my blog.

New  flowers appear  every day, interested in my  blog!

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These are all blessings. I must finish this a-z challenge. I must continue to get my shit down. No matter how lame I think  the content is. So here it is.

Today #FollowGreatFootsteps is embedded in this, my  FLEUR SCENTED POSTS  .

So here is my quote:

“Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.” -HENRY FORD

I’m back  –‘one perfect queen’ is the title  for my  a-z challenge – small cheat but  I’m using my creativity. 😀

Thank you everyone for all your supportive words.

Me, the weed has turned away from the darkness and lifted my head up  towards the sun . I am the phoenix bird of the flowers. I re bloom.